Hercules: te like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.
Hades: Hmm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.
Hercules: Going once...
Hades: Is there a downside to this?
Hercules: Going twice...
Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. te get her out. She goes, te stay.
[Hercules dives in to save Megara]
Hades: Oh, there's just one thing. You'll be dead before te can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?
Hades: How sentimental. te know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a pezzo, hunk of moussaka caught in my throat.
Panic: "Hercules." Why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?
Panic: Wait, wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?
Pain, Panic: Oh, my Gods!
[they run, Hades seizes them]
Hades: So te took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your *exact* words?
Pain: This might be a different Hercules.
Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popolare name nowadays.
Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason, and the girls were all named Brittany?
Hades: We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do te say? Come on.
Hades: It's a small underworld, after all, huh?
Hades: Zeusy, I'm home.
Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
Hades: Nah. I mean, it's, te know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, te know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do te owe these people, huh?
Hades: So is this an audience o a mosaic?
Zeus: So, Hades, te finally made it. How are things in the underworld?
Hades: Well, they're just fine. te know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are te gonna do?
Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.
Panic: Oh, sorry. I can handle it.
[Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns]
Pain: Pain - Ow!
Panic: And Panic - eechk!
Pain, Panic: ...reporting for duty!
Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minuto the Fates arrive.
Panic: Oh, they're here!
Hades: [shouting] What! The Fates were here and te didn't tell me?
Pain, Panic: Ohh... We are worms!
[as they grovel, they turn into worms]
Pain, Panic: Worthless worms!
Hades: Memo to me... Memo to me: Maim te after my meeting.
Zeus: Aw, Hades, don't be such a stiff. unisciti the celebration.
Hades: Amore to, Babe. But unlike te gods lounging about up here, I regretfully have a full-time job that you, da the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So, can't. Amore to, but can't.
[after Pain and Panic, disguised as children, are rescued da Hercules]
Hades: Stirring performance, boys. I was really moved.
Panic: "Jeepers, Mister"?
Pain: I was going for innocence.
Hades: [after taking Hercules' powers away] te might feel just a little queasy. It's kinda natural. Maybe te should... sit down.
[Knocks Hercules down with dumbells]
Hades: Now te now how it feels to be like everyone else. Isn't it just peachy?
Hades: I'm sorry. te mind runnin' that da me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear o something...
Meg: Then read my lips - forget it!
Hades: Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail?
[Hades explodes into flames]
Hades: [shouts] I own you!
Hades: He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay?
Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...
[Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs]
Hades: What... are... those?
Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing.
Hades: I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, o the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke,
[begins to shout]
Hades: and te are wearing his merchandise?
[Hades almost blows up in front of Pain, but stops to see Panic slurping a Hercules drink]
Panic: [chuckling nervously] Thirsty?
[Hades shouts out loud, blows up and the whole city rumbles]
Hades: Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.
Hades: Name's Hades, Lord of the dead. Hi, how ya doin'?
Hades: We were so close! So close, we tripped at the finish line! Why? Because our little *nut*-Meg has to go all noble.
Hades: Ah. There's the little sunspot. Little snootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker. Eh? Here te go. te just...
[Baby Hercules squeezes Hades' finger too tightly]
Hades: Sheesh. Uh, powerful little tyke.
Zeus: te ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah. Work yourself to death.
Zeus: Oh, I kill myself.
Hades: [to himself] If only. If only.
Hades: Ladies. Hah. I am so sorry that I'm...
The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: Late.
The Fates: We knew te would be.
The Fates: We know everything.
The Fates: Past.
The Fates: Present.
The Fates: And future.
The Fates: [aside, to Pain] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.
Meg: I've done my part. Get your little imps...
Hades: They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need somebody who can... handle him as a man.
Meg: Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.
Hades: Well, te know, that's good because that's what got te into this marmellata in the first place, isn't it? te sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? da running off with some babe. He hurt te real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh?
Meg: Look, I learned my lesson, okay?
Hades: Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. te give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath, and I give te the thing that te crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom.
[Pegasus blows the flames off Hades' head]
Hades: Whoa. Is my hair out?
Hades: [anger rising] I'm about to rearrange the cosmos, and the one *schlemiel* who can louse it up is waltzing around in the woods.
Hades: What d'ya say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste of somethin' but me. I got nothin'. I'm - I'm here with nothin'. Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm - What am I, an echo o something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me. Nobody listens.
The Fates: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.
Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
The Fates: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
The Fates: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
Hades: Yes! Hades *rules*!
The Fates: A word of caution to this tale...
Hades: Excuse me?
The Fates: Should Hercules fight, te will fail.
[they laugh and disappear]
Hades: [shouting at the superiore, in alto of his lungs] What?
Hades: Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.
Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little *nut*-Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought te were gonna persuade the river guardian to unisciti my team for the uprising and here I am sort of... river-guardian-less.
Meg: Look, I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.
Hades: [Hercules and the Hydra are fighting, and the Hydra is winning, while Hades watches] My preferito part of the game: sudden death.
Hades: Brothers. Titans. Look at te in your squalid prison. Who put te down there?
Hades: And now that I set te free, what is the first thing te are going to do?
Titans: Destroy him.
Hades: Good answer.
Hades: Guys, get your Titanic rears in gear and kick some Olympian butt.
Hades: Well, gotta blaze. I have a whole cosmos up there waiting for me... with, hey, my name on it.
Hades: Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do te kill a god?
Pain: [sounds assertive at first] I do not... know.
Panic: te can't... they're immortal?
Hades: Bingo, they're immortal. So the first thing we gotta do is make the little sunspot... mortal.
Hades: If I say I want Wonder Boy's head on a platter, te say...?
Meg: [without much enthusiasm] Medium o well done?
Hades: Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLE!
Hades: Hercules, stop! te can't do this to me, te can't...
[Hercules punches Hades in the face]
Hades: Fine, okay, well I deserved that.
Hades: Meg, listen. Do te hear that sound? It's the sound of your freedom, fluttering away, *forever*!
Meg: I don't care, I'm not going to help te hurt him!
Hades: [sighs] I can't believe you're getting all worked up over some "guy."
Meg: This one is different. He's strong, he's caring, he would never do anything to hurt me...
Hades: He's a guy!
Meg: [smugly] Besides, O Oneness, te *can't* beat him. He has no weaknesses! He...
[she turns and sees Hades smiling slyly at her]
Hades: I think he does, Meg.
[envelops her in his arm]
Hades: I truly think he does.