Family Guy Script
Episode: ###
Stewie Quagmire
Summary: When Stewie gets a cold, Lois is forced to take him to the doctor, where his birth certificate shows up, revealing that he’s Quagmire’s son.

Key: ( ) = location
{ } = info
[ ] = Action
/ \ = commercial break
(Griffin house)
(Living Room)

[Family sitting on divano watching TV]

Dianne Simpsons: In local news the, a cold academic has swept through Quahog.
Tom Tucker: Well, Dianne I’m not sure if it’s an academic. It’s just a cold.
Dianne: Do te really have to contradict everything I say?
Tom: I’m just saying, it happens once a year, it’s not exactly an academic.
[Dianne narrows eyes] Dianne: Now onto Ollie Williams, who’s on the front line to deliver the story.
Tom: What’s it like out there, Ollie?
[Dianne narrows eyes again]

[Cuts to middle of city. Shows Ollie in a gas protection suit.]

Ollie: People are sick!”

[Cuts back to news station. Joyce sits alone. Blood stains Tom’s chairs.]

Dianne: Thanks Ollie. Breaking news. Tom Tucker has just gone on a sudden vacation. Who knows if he’ll ever be back?
[Dianne jumps up on desk, takes off camicia and spins it around in the air.]
Dianne: I’m FREE! FREE!
Camera Guy: We’re still broadcasting.
[Dianne freezes.]

[View pulls out to Griffin family watching the news.]
[Lois clicks tongue]
Lois: Uh, how does someone afford to take a sudden vacation in times like this?
Peter: I don’t know, but I want his secret. I could use a vacation.
Brian: Peter, te just came back from vacation yesterday.
Peter: Yeah but come on, Brian, I’ve been sleeping ever since then. It wears te out.

[Cuts to theme song]

(Griffin family cucina in early morning)

[Stewie walks in, dragging Rupert with him. Stewie coughs loudly into his fist, and hops up into his high chair. He examines his cialde with disgust.

Stewie: What the hell is this? Who the hell eats cialde anymore, this is the 21st century for God’s sake.
Lois: Stewie, stop complaining and eat your breakfast
[Stewie sighs] Stewie: Uh, this is worse then the time I walked in on Meg talking to herself in the bathroom.

[Cuts to bathroom. Meg is standing at mirror. Stewie walks in]

Meg: So Sarah, thanks for inviting me to the party last Saturday. I had a great time.

[Meg turns around]

Meg with ‘cool’ accent: Well, te know, it was fine. I mean, I’m totally less popolare than te in every way, and your so cool and attractive and stuff. ciao te wanna be friends?
[Meg turns back around]

Meg: Yeah!

[Meg turns around]

Meg with ‘cool’ accent: te wanna make out?

[Meg turns around]

Meg: Yeah!

[Meg starts to make out with herself. Stewie, with wide eyes, slowly scoots out of bathroom. secondi later, sound of Stewie puking fills the air.]

[Cuts back to the kitchen]

Brian: Really, it was worse than that?
Stewie: No, I just needed something to say.
Meg: ciao dad, can I go to a party tomorrow?
[Peter is Leggere newspaper]
Peter: Yeah, sure.
Meg: Really?!
Peter: Yeah
[Meg squeals happily and runs out of the room. Peter lowers newspaper. Peter turns to Lois.]
Peter: What the hell was she talking about?
Lois: Who?
[Stewie starts coughing loudly. Lois looks at Stewie with worried eyes.]
Lois: Stewie, are te okay?
Stewie: Of course I am you…[cough]…vile woman…[cough].
Lois: Are te sure?
Stewie: Of course…[cough]…I’m as healthy as a whore…[Stewie collapses off chair and hits floor]
Brian: I think te meant to say horse.
[Stewie lifts head] Stewie: No I meant what I said. [Head collapses again]

(Hospital room)

[Dr. Hartman walks in]

Dr. Hartman: Well, I can safely say, your son is cured of his cold, Mrs. Griffin.
Lois: Oh, thank God!
Dr. Hartman: Oh no! He has cancer!
Lois: WHAT!
Dr. Hartman: My son. He has cancer. Looks like I’ve got to find ANOTHER adoption agency.
[Lois breathes a sigh]
Dr. Hartman: Good God, is that a parasite?!
[Lois gasps]
Dr. Hartman: No, no, its just his…never mind.
[Herbert peaks his eyes through the window]
Herbert: MmmMmmmmm
[Lois sighs]
Dr. Hartman: Oh my God, his cuore has stopped!”
Lois: WHAT!!
[Dr. Hartman puts down hand held game device]
Dr. Hartman: Sorry, I was playing a video game where I have to keep this stupid guy alive. I…[laugh]…guess i…[laugh]…failed.
Lois: Is my son healthy o not?!
Dr. Hartman: Yes ma’am. I can honestly say that Stewie Quagmire is 100% a okay.
Lois: Oh thank God…wait…who?
Dr. Hartman: Stewie Quagmire. Your son.
Lois: My son’s name is Stewie Griffin.
Dr. Hartman: Not according to this.
[Dr. Hartman pulls out Stewie’s birth certificate]
Dr. Hartman: It says right here that Stewie’s father is one Glenn Quagmire.
Lois: D***, how drunk was I?”

/Commercial break\

(Quagmire’s living room)

Peter: Lois, why are we here?
Lois: You’ll find out, Peter.
Peter: Ah, God, I’m più bored then when I watched those two lesbiche having tea.

[Cuts to living room. Two women sit at a tavolo drinking tea. Peter sits on the divano in only his underwear]

Woman 1: Oh I just looooove tè time with you.
Woman 2: I Amore it more!
Woman 1: No, I do!
Woman 2: No, I do.
Woman 1: No, I do!
[Both giggle]
Peter: te gonna make out o what!
[Cuts back to Quagmire’s living room.]
[Quagmire walks in naked. Quagmire freezes.]
Quagmire: Heeeeeey. What are…uh….what are te guys doing here?
Lois: We were meeting te remember?
Quagmire: That…that was today?
Lois: Yes!
[Quagmire sucks in breath] Quagmire: Ooooooh. Ummmmm….well te see….I….uh…
Female voice echoing from other room: Quagmire, do te have the whip? [Female voice puts emphasis on H]
Stewie: Hang on a sec.
[Stewie walks into other room. Gun fires.]
Stewie: Nobody gets to do it but me, b****!
[Stewie walks back into room and climbs into Lois’ lap.]
Stewie: Okay we’re good.

[Minutes later, Quagmire is fully dressed and sitting across from Lois, Peter, and Stewie. Lois has just broken the news to him]

Quagmire: Oh God, oh God, oh God!
Lois: Quagmire, it’s gonna be okay. I’ll take care of Stewie.
Quagmire: te kidding me? I don’t care about that. I care that I was too drunk to remember doing it with you. Giggity.
Peter: Okay what I wanna know is where was I when te to were so wasted te had Stewie together!
Quagmire: Oh, te were betting away the lottery money te had just won. I remember the lottery numbers. 12, 1, 45, 67, 28.
[Quagmire beats his palm on his forehead]
Quagmire: Oh what the hell!
Stewie: Are te telling me that I’m the spawn of that pervert!
Brian: Looks like it.
[Stewie turns to Brian]
Stewie: When the hell did te get here?
Brian: I don’t know. It went with the scene. Blame the writer.
Stewie: Writer? What do te mean writer?
Brian: Well, te know the guy who writes what we’re supposed to say.
Stewie: Are te saying that everything I say, is previously chosen da some fat low life that probably dropped out of high school, and spends his nights in his underwear crying himself to sleep.
Brian: Yeah.
Stewie: Who the effing hell came up with that?
Brian: Seth Macfarlane.
Stewie: Who is that?
Brian: The creator of the show…you know what, just never mind. Just forget everything I just said, and go back to thinking te have control over your own fate.
[Brian walks out. Stewie turns back to Lois, Peter and Quagmire.]
Stewie: What’d I miss?
Lois: Okay, so Quagmire te can take him Monday through Sunday, and I won’t take him at all.
Stewie: What!
Quagmire: te got it! da the way, do te know if he’s ever Giggitied with a girl’s gasmooshifesh.
Lois: I…uh…don’t think so.
Quagmire: Got it. Know what to get him for his birthday now.
[Peter leans in and whispers in Lois’ ear]
Lois: Oh. Oh, God, no! No, no, NO!
Quagmire: Don’t worry it’ll be with his own age.

/Commercial break\

(Quagmire’s Kitchen. 10:00 A.M.)

{Stewie sits in his high chair waiting for Quagmire to come and make him breakfast}

Stewie: te know Rupert, I’m beginning to think the pervert’s dead.
Rupert: …
Stewie: I mean what kind of bastard sleeps till 10 when there’s a baby that needs feeding in the house.
Rupert: …
Stewie: te know it wouldn’t kill te to contribute to the conversation.
Rupert: …
Stewie: Screw you, Rupert.
Rupert: …
[Stewie knocks Rupert off the chair.]
Stewie: Oh God, I’m più hungry than Brian after he came back from being Lost in the dessert.

[Cuts to Griffin living room. Brian walks in door, matted and bruised. Meg walks in.]
Meg: Oh ciao Brian. Its great to see… [Brian jumps on superiore, in alto of meg and begins ripping apart her leg.]…Oh God. Ow. Ow. Oh God. Brian, stop. Dad, help.
Peter: Shut up Meg!
[Cuts back to Quagmire’s kitchen]

[Stewie grins] Stewie: Yeah. Yeah that was bloody.
[Quagmire walks in] Quagmire: ciao Stewie, how’d te sleep?
Stewie: I didn’t. I couldn’t sleep through the fat hooker’s moans te perverted bastard.
Quagmire: Ahh, poor guy. te hungry?
Stewie: No, no, I’m not hungry. I’ve just been sitting here for 3 hours waiting for te to get your lazy a** up so I can get something to eat. So, no, Quagmire, I am not hungry.
Quagmire: Alright then sport, see te in 24 hours.
[Quagmire walks out]
Stewie: Wait no. I was only kidding you, te fool… [Stewie jumps out of his chair and lands face first on the floor.]…D*****!

[Cuts to Griffin family living room]

{Brian and Peter are watching TV when Lois walks in}
Lois: Peter, I’m going to the store to pick up some things for Quagmire and Stewie. I want te to go to Quagmire’s and check on Stewie. See how he’s doing.
Peter: Okay.
[Lois walks out of the room. Car revs outside and speeds off.]
Peter: What’d she say?
Brian: That te should go check on Stewie.
Peter: Great, te do it.
Brian: Okay.
[Cuts to Quagmire’s front door. Brian knocks on door]
Brian: What the hell? God, I’m più gullible than Ashton Kutcher.

[Cuts to hotel room]
Brian: ciao te know the word gullible is on the roof.
Ashton: Really?
[He looks up]
Brian: Now its on the floor.
Ashton: Really?
[He looks down]
Brian: Now its on the left wall.
Ashton: Really?.
[He looks left]
Brian: Now its on the right wall.
Ashton: Really.
[He looks right]
Brian: Now its on the bullet in this pistol.
[Brian hands pistol to Ashton.]
Ashton: Really
Brian: Yeah point it at yourself and shoot it to see it.
[Gun fires]

[Cuts back to Quagmire’s door. Brian rings door bell]

Quagmire; voice echoes from inside house: Stewie get the door!
Stewie: Screw you, pervert!
Quagmire: Shut up and get the door!
Stewie: I said, screw you.
Quagmire: Get the door!
Stewie: Fine. te know what…you want me to get the door…fine!... [trigger clicks. Door explodes]…Happy!
Quagmire: Why is there a draft in here?
[Brian walks in.]
Brian: ciao Stewie.
Stewie: Dog. Good. You’re here. I need your help.
Brian: Well, with what?
[Stewie pulls out a dress]
Stewie: I need te to wear this and seduce Quagmire into the room. I placed a bomb inside it. When he moves into to do it with you, I’ll detonate it.
Brian: But I’ll die!
Stewie: Meh, collateral damage.
Brian: No. No I’m not going to do it.
[Stewie drops to his knees]
Stewie: Please Brian, I need your help. I never thought I’d miss that vile woman, Lois, but I do. I need to get out of this house. Help me!
[Dr. Hartman walks in]
Dr. Hartman: There’s no need for that. I found out that the Stewie Quagmire is not this Stewie.
Stewie: Really?
Brian: Really?
[Quagmire pokes head into the room] Quagmire: Giggity
Dr. Hartman: Yes. te are a 100% Griffin.
[Dr. Hartman exits. Brian and Stewie look at each other.]
Stewie: Well this was kind of a sucky ending
Brian: Yeah I mean…
Stewie: Just really uncreative
Brian: Its like the guy just suddenly stopped caring.
Stewie: I know right.
Brian: I mean they need to hire a new writer.
Stewie: What do te mean writer?
Brian: Yeah I’m not going through this again.