Chapter Eleven
You'd think that spending half the night snogging drunkenly in some doorway somewhere would drive a great big awkward wedge between you and your worst-enemy-turned-best-friend.
You'd also think that the entire school knowing about said drunken snogging would intensify that wedge.
As it was, neither happened.
Instead it brought Lily and James closer, meaning that they were now rarely seen without the other, and for the first time in his entire Hogwarts career James could be found more with a certain someone else that with his precious Marauders – something they were happy about, as James was finally getting 'in' with Lily, and sad about, as they were being pushed aside.
Under no circumstances, however, were Lily and James dating. Oh, no. They may have spent all their free time glued to the others side, but that was the extent of their physical contact. As if bound by some wordless oath, neither even dreamed of letting their lips once more touch the others'.
Well. That's a lie. We all know what James Potter's dreams are like.
Yet still neither made any sort of move on the other, since to the other they both seemed quite happy where they were at the moment and so neither knew that all the other wanted was to take it just that one step further.
Well. That's another lie. Everyone knew just how much James Potter wanted to take it just that one step further.
Everyone except Lily Evans.
And so they went about their lives in this peculiar little paradox.
–––––
One day in mid-December Lily suddenly realised that for the first time ever, she'd have to stay at Hogwarts over the Christmas holiday. After all, the Leaky Cauldron didn't seem quite as appealing for Christmas as it had in the summer, and... though she tried her hardest to block it out, the fact remained that she had no family (Petunia would undoubtedly slam the door in her face if she ever went looking).
It was as she was pondering this fact that James walked in, exhausted and sporting the jubilant expression that generally followed good Quidditch practises. All hints of joy, however, left his face when he saw Lily sitting in her armchair in front of the fireplace in the Head's Common Room, staring off into space and looking very much like a lost child. Chucking his various protective pads and whatnot off on the way, he rushed over to her, sitting down on the chair's arm rest. “Lils? What's wrong?” She didn't reply, caught up in dreading her first Christmas without her parents, and James gently pushed her shoulder. “Hey, Lils?” he asked again, this time managing to get a soft “Mmm?” out of her.
“Lils, what's wrong? Talk to me.”
“It's Christmas soon,” she said simply, her eyes glimmering with tears yet to be shed. “Christmas.”
“What's that got to do with – oh,” he replied, realising mid-sentence exactly how much it had to do with everything. And so James wrapped his arms around her, sinking into the chair beside her and awkwardly pulling her into his lap, and held her as the tears finally came.
It hit him then, as he smoothed her hair and whispered comforting nothings to her like so many times before (though usually in the middle of the night), how hard it must be for Lily to listen to all of the other students talk about how they couldn't wait to see their parents again, to remember each time that she'd never see hers again. He tried to imagine what it would be like to know he'd never see his parents again and shuddered at the mere thought. His hand, now rubbing her back in what was hopefully a comforting manner, stilled. “Oh, Lils,” he whispered. “What are we going to do with you?”
Eventually, her heaving sobs quieted until they were no more than a steady river of tears silently chasing each other down her cheeks. He held her still, held her and said nothing at all, until finally she shifted in his hold to turn her damp face towards him. “Thanks,” she whispered, the smallest attempt at a smile ghosting across her face, and once more he felt his heart breaking. Turning her face once more into the crook of his neck, she fell asleep within minutes.
James carried her carefully into her room, entering the sacred chamber behind the heavy mahogany door for the second time in his life. Now, with no urgent comforting to be done, he was able to glance around the room a bit. It was almost anally neat, as was to be expected of Lily, but it was showing signs of the recent stress she'd been under. The bed was made haphazardly, the desk that would usually boast books stacked by subject and piles of spare parchment neatly lined up was beginning to clutter, and a stray jumper or two had found their way to the back of the chair. None of this would be at all out of the ordinary, were the person in question not Lily Evans... but it was, and so the only-just-substandard room was yet another sign that seventh year was taking its toll on the best of them (not to mention the fact that she was still grieving).
He pulled back the corner of the duvet and set her down, contemplating whether it was wise to undress her and deciding against it. He settled for cautiously removing her shoes and cardigan and tucked her in, smiling at the way she instinctively curled into a foetal position, clutching the blanket like a lifeline. Backing out quietly, he whispered “Night, Lils,” before shutting the door with a barely discernible thud.
–––––
James made his way to the Gryffindor Common Room in silence, hiding under his Invisibility Cloak even though curfew was still an hour or two away; he didn't particularly feel like talking to anyone except Sirius at that particular moment. Changing his mind about the common room, he pulled his ever-present mirror out of some inside pocket of his robes. “Padfoot! Where are you, mate?” He peered into the mirror with an odd intensity, until suddenly Sirius' shaggy black head appeared.
“Prongsie! How are you on this fine day, my dear fellow?”
“Padfoot, cut the crap. Where are you?”
“Oh, it's that kind of day again. Fine. I'm down near the Quidditch Pitch, why?” And suddenly James heard a distinctively feminine giggle from somewhere to the left of Sirius' head. That would explain it.
“I'll meet you up on the Astronomy Tower in five, all right?”
“Yeah, yeah, fine,” came the disgruntled reply, and James shoved the mirror back in his pocket. In reality, Sirius could get to the top of the tower in two minutes, tops, but James, deciding to be chivalrous, had given him a minute or two to make his excuses to whatever lady friend had their turn that day.
Unsurprisingly, James reached the top of the tower before Sirius. He sat down in what he would have called their secret place, had that not sounded too five-year-old-ish, and left the Cloak on for a few minutes more – though it afforded no protection against the bitter December wind, it gave the illusion of it, and he wrapped it even closer around himself before remembering his wand and casting a Heating Charm. Sirius entered just as he was putting his wand away. He wasted no time sitting down next to James and asking, “What is it this time?”
“Padfoot, I can't leave her here for Christmas. It'd be... cruel, asking her to spend her first Christmas as an orphan alone.”
“That it would,” Sirius agreed. “That it would. So what are you gonna do about it?” Trust him to put it so bluntly.
“Well...” James said, trying to figure out how to put into words the idea that had been bouncing around his head in some form or another ever since he'd realised exactly what the coming of Christmas had to do with everything. “I was thinking... You like Lily, as a friend of course, right?”
“Are you kidding?”
“No, no... see I was thinking, we could invite her to come spend Christmas with us, couldn't we?”
“Indeed we could, Prongs, indeed we could. Besides, I'm sure your Mum's dying to meet her, after all she's heard over the years...”
“Oh. Crap. That.”
“Yeah, that. But don't worry, I'm sure she'd manage to... contain herself. Somewhat.”
“Yeah, because that's comforting.”
“Sorry, it's the best I have to offer.”
“Ah, well. We'll cross that hurdle when we come to it. But you're okay with this plan, right?”
“Did you not hear me ask you whether you were kidding? In case you missed Sarcasm & Figures of Speech 101, that would generally imply that I am very much in favour of this plan.”
“Right, thanks, Captain Obvious.”
“Any time, any time. Now tell me, have you and Lily talked about that kiss yet?”
“Uh... no?”
“Prongs! It's been, what, three weeks? You can't keep avoiding the subject forever.”
“No, but we can try, can't we?”
“No! You need to talk about it. This is extremely unhealthy, you know.”
“Since when have you been some sort of relationship expert?” James asked, snorting at the thought of Sirius sitting in some office advising middle-aged women on how to get their husbands to love them.
“Since always. Now go write to your mother.” Still laughing slightly, James did as he was told.
–––––
Hundreds of miles away from Hogwarts Castle, James's barn owl tapped on the window of his childhood home's living room. Elizabeth Potter looked up from the poem she was attempting to write, glad for the distraction. Letting the owl in, she untangled the letter from its leg, silently berating James for his excessive wrapping. The smile that had begun to crease her face spread as she read the letter – a scrawled “Dear Mum”, then a few hasty lines about how school was going well, they won a Quidditch game and lost another one, normal stuff. And then began the point of the whole letter (she knew it from the way his handwriting was suddenly infinitely neater, as if each word was carefully planned out beforehand): could Lily possibly spend the holidays with them? This one sentence, so clearly printed, stuck out like a sore thumb. The following sentences, explaining exactly why she should do this, were a rambling jumble of words, as if he thought he was going to be denied and was trying to give as many reasons as possible in as short a time. Elizabeth shook her head at her son's sloppiness and sat down to compose a letter of her own; of course Lily could spend Christmas with them, such a silly question, and of course they'd be delicate about the loss of her parents, what kind of person did James think she was? She gave the letter to the owl along with a treat or two. “Go on,” she told it. “Go make him feel like a hero.”
–––––
And feel like a hero he did when he told Lily of his plans the following evening.
They were (once again) attempting to complete their homework in the Heads' Common Room, when James suddenly cleared his throat. “Um, Lils? You know how you said you were gonna stay here for Christmas?” Lily nodded, looking slightly confused – you'd think that after the sobfest of the previous evening, he'd at least attempt to avoid the subject. “Well, Sirius and I were thinking... how would you like to come home with us?”
“James, that sounds wonderful, really... but I couldn't possibly.”
“Whyever not? My Mum would absolutely love to have you. She's being dying to meet you ever since I told her about the time you stuck my arse to my chair in second year.”
“You told her about that?”
“Well, obviously. I was terribly impressed, you know.”
“Sure you were.”
“I was! Seriously. But hey, how about it?”
“No, James, really... I can't intrude on your family's Christmas.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You wouldn't be intruding, honest to Merlin. Come on, Sirius is gonna be there too.”
“Oh, really, now?” Lily asked, her eyes gleaming mischievously. “Sirius too?”
“Indeed. Imagine that: Christmas with the better half of the Marauders.”
“That does sound tempting...”
“Just say you'll come. You have no idea what it'd mean to my mum, honest – and me. I can't just leave you alone for Christmas.”
“You could perfectly well leave me alone for Christmas, you know, I'd be just fine.”
“Lils...”
“But okay, yes, fine, I'll come.”
James let out a sound somewhere between victory and relief and flung his arms around Lily's neck rather over-zealously. She laughed. “Jeez, calm down already! But thanks.” And for the second time in as many days a softly uttered thanks did wondrous if cracking, breaking things to James' poor confused heart.
–––––
It seemed the cycles of the moon had not a hint of compassion, because as luck would have it, the full moon fell on the day before Christmas, meaning that Remus had to stay at the castle over the holidays. Wanting to avoid the joyous commotion that always accompanied leaving the school, he headed to the Hospital Wing two days before school let out, opting instead to rest in the relative quiet offered in Madam Pomfrey's domain.
James and Sirius were heading up the last Quidditch practise of the fall season, working the players extra hard so as to try and prevent the inevitable fattening brought on by Christmas.
Lily was doing some last-minute homework in the Heads' Common Room when the portrait whole sprang open. “James?” she asked, confused; practise was supposed to go on for a while still, and it wasn't like James to cut them short. When no answer came in return, she lifted her head to see Peter standing in the doorway, a most unreadable expression on his face. That was odd... Peter had never shown much interest in Lily, excluding of course the long conversations of nights long passed in the Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory. “Hi, Peter. James and Sirius are at practise and Remus is in the Hospital Wing, if you're looking for them...” Peter didn't reply, merely took a step closer.
That was when Lily began to feel that something was not quite right.
–––––
Half an hour or so later, James was walking towards his common room with Sirius. They were laughing about something or the other – it had been a good practise – when they arrived at the portrait of Uric the Oddball, only to notice that it was hanging slightly open.
“That's odd...” James trailed off; it was extremely unusual for Lily to leave anything halfway, even something as small as doors. He pushed the door fully open and stepped in with a feeling of trepidation, barely noticing the small rodent that slipped past him and into the dark corridor.
The sight he met was not one he would ever have dreamed up, not even in his wildest nightmares. For there was Lily, curled up on the floor with her clothes torn and her hair all over the place, rocking back and forth and sobbing silently.
He took a tentative step towards her, and then another one, approaching her like he would a wounded animal as Sirius looked on from the doorway, shock rooting him in place. He reached out a hand, attempting to touch her, establish some sort of contact with her, but as soon as his hand got within a few inches of her, she let out a piercing scream, pushing him away and scrambling into the corner.
You'd think that spending half the night snogging drunkenly in some doorway somewhere would drive a great big awkward wedge between you and your worst-enemy-turned-best-friend.
You'd also think that the entire school knowing about said drunken snogging would intensify that wedge.
As it was, neither happened.
Instead it brought Lily and James closer, meaning that they were now rarely seen without the other, and for the first time in his entire Hogwarts career James could be found more with a certain someone else that with his precious Marauders – something they were happy about, as James was finally getting 'in' with Lily, and sad about, as they were being pushed aside.
Under no circumstances, however, were Lily and James dating. Oh, no. They may have spent all their free time glued to the others side, but that was the extent of their physical contact. As if bound by some wordless oath, neither even dreamed of letting their lips once more touch the others'.
Well. That's a lie. We all know what James Potter's dreams are like.
Yet still neither made any sort of move on the other, since to the other they both seemed quite happy where they were at the moment and so neither knew that all the other wanted was to take it just that one step further.
Well. That's another lie. Everyone knew just how much James Potter wanted to take it just that one step further.
Everyone except Lily Evans.
And so they went about their lives in this peculiar little paradox.
–––––
One day in mid-December Lily suddenly realised that for the first time ever, she'd have to stay at Hogwarts over the Christmas holiday. After all, the Leaky Cauldron didn't seem quite as appealing for Christmas as it had in the summer, and... though she tried her hardest to block it out, the fact remained that she had no family (Petunia would undoubtedly slam the door in her face if she ever went looking).
It was as she was pondering this fact that James walked in, exhausted and sporting the jubilant expression that generally followed good Quidditch practises. All hints of joy, however, left his face when he saw Lily sitting in her armchair in front of the fireplace in the Head's Common Room, staring off into space and looking very much like a lost child. Chucking his various protective pads and whatnot off on the way, he rushed over to her, sitting down on the chair's arm rest. “Lils? What's wrong?” She didn't reply, caught up in dreading her first Christmas without her parents, and James gently pushed her shoulder. “Hey, Lils?” he asked again, this time managing to get a soft “Mmm?” out of her.
“Lils, what's wrong? Talk to me.”
“It's Christmas soon,” she said simply, her eyes glimmering with tears yet to be shed. “Christmas.”
“What's that got to do with – oh,” he replied, realising mid-sentence exactly how much it had to do with everything. And so James wrapped his arms around her, sinking into the chair beside her and awkwardly pulling her into his lap, and held her as the tears finally came.
It hit him then, as he smoothed her hair and whispered comforting nothings to her like so many times before (though usually in the middle of the night), how hard it must be for Lily to listen to all of the other students talk about how they couldn't wait to see their parents again, to remember each time that she'd never see hers again. He tried to imagine what it would be like to know he'd never see his parents again and shuddered at the mere thought. His hand, now rubbing her back in what was hopefully a comforting manner, stilled. “Oh, Lils,” he whispered. “What are we going to do with you?”
Eventually, her heaving sobs quieted until they were no more than a steady river of tears silently chasing each other down her cheeks. He held her still, held her and said nothing at all, until finally she shifted in his hold to turn her damp face towards him. “Thanks,” she whispered, the smallest attempt at a smile ghosting across her face, and once more he felt his heart breaking. Turning her face once more into the crook of his neck, she fell asleep within minutes.
James carried her carefully into her room, entering the sacred chamber behind the heavy mahogany door for the second time in his life. Now, with no urgent comforting to be done, he was able to glance around the room a bit. It was almost anally neat, as was to be expected of Lily, but it was showing signs of the recent stress she'd been under. The bed was made haphazardly, the desk that would usually boast books stacked by subject and piles of spare parchment neatly lined up was beginning to clutter, and a stray jumper or two had found their way to the back of the chair. None of this would be at all out of the ordinary, were the person in question not Lily Evans... but it was, and so the only-just-substandard room was yet another sign that seventh year was taking its toll on the best of them (not to mention the fact that she was still grieving).
He pulled back the corner of the duvet and set her down, contemplating whether it was wise to undress her and deciding against it. He settled for cautiously removing her shoes and cardigan and tucked her in, smiling at the way she instinctively curled into a foetal position, clutching the blanket like a lifeline. Backing out quietly, he whispered “Night, Lils,” before shutting the door with a barely discernible thud.
–––––
James made his way to the Gryffindor Common Room in silence, hiding under his Invisibility Cloak even though curfew was still an hour or two away; he didn't particularly feel like talking to anyone except Sirius at that particular moment. Changing his mind about the common room, he pulled his ever-present mirror out of some inside pocket of his robes. “Padfoot! Where are you, mate?” He peered into the mirror with an odd intensity, until suddenly Sirius' shaggy black head appeared.
“Prongsie! How are you on this fine day, my dear fellow?”
“Padfoot, cut the crap. Where are you?”
“Oh, it's that kind of day again. Fine. I'm down near the Quidditch Pitch, why?” And suddenly James heard a distinctively feminine giggle from somewhere to the left of Sirius' head. That would explain it.
“I'll meet you up on the Astronomy Tower in five, all right?”
“Yeah, yeah, fine,” came the disgruntled reply, and James shoved the mirror back in his pocket. In reality, Sirius could get to the top of the tower in two minutes, tops, but James, deciding to be chivalrous, had given him a minute or two to make his excuses to whatever lady friend had their turn that day.
Unsurprisingly, James reached the top of the tower before Sirius. He sat down in what he would have called their secret place, had that not sounded too five-year-old-ish, and left the Cloak on for a few minutes more – though it afforded no protection against the bitter December wind, it gave the illusion of it, and he wrapped it even closer around himself before remembering his wand and casting a Heating Charm. Sirius entered just as he was putting his wand away. He wasted no time sitting down next to James and asking, “What is it this time?”
“Padfoot, I can't leave her here for Christmas. It'd be... cruel, asking her to spend her first Christmas as an orphan alone.”
“That it would,” Sirius agreed. “That it would. So what are you gonna do about it?” Trust him to put it so bluntly.
“Well...” James said, trying to figure out how to put into words the idea that had been bouncing around his head in some form or another ever since he'd realised exactly what the coming of Christmas had to do with everything. “I was thinking... You like Lily, as a friend of course, right?”
“Are you kidding?”
“No, no... see I was thinking, we could invite her to come spend Christmas with us, couldn't we?”
“Indeed we could, Prongs, indeed we could. Besides, I'm sure your Mum's dying to meet her, after all she's heard over the years...”
“Oh. Crap. That.”
“Yeah, that. But don't worry, I'm sure she'd manage to... contain herself. Somewhat.”
“Yeah, because that's comforting.”
“Sorry, it's the best I have to offer.”
“Ah, well. We'll cross that hurdle when we come to it. But you're okay with this plan, right?”
“Did you not hear me ask you whether you were kidding? In case you missed Sarcasm & Figures of Speech 101, that would generally imply that I am very much in favour of this plan.”
“Right, thanks, Captain Obvious.”
“Any time, any time. Now tell me, have you and Lily talked about that kiss yet?”
“Uh... no?”
“Prongs! It's been, what, three weeks? You can't keep avoiding the subject forever.”
“No, but we can try, can't we?”
“No! You need to talk about it. This is extremely unhealthy, you know.”
“Since when have you been some sort of relationship expert?” James asked, snorting at the thought of Sirius sitting in some office advising middle-aged women on how to get their husbands to love them.
“Since always. Now go write to your mother.” Still laughing slightly, James did as he was told.
–––––
Hundreds of miles away from Hogwarts Castle, James's barn owl tapped on the window of his childhood home's living room. Elizabeth Potter looked up from the poem she was attempting to write, glad for the distraction. Letting the owl in, she untangled the letter from its leg, silently berating James for his excessive wrapping. The smile that had begun to crease her face spread as she read the letter – a scrawled “Dear Mum”, then a few hasty lines about how school was going well, they won a Quidditch game and lost another one, normal stuff. And then began the point of the whole letter (she knew it from the way his handwriting was suddenly infinitely neater, as if each word was carefully planned out beforehand): could Lily possibly spend the holidays with them? This one sentence, so clearly printed, stuck out like a sore thumb. The following sentences, explaining exactly why she should do this, were a rambling jumble of words, as if he thought he was going to be denied and was trying to give as many reasons as possible in as short a time. Elizabeth shook her head at her son's sloppiness and sat down to compose a letter of her own; of course Lily could spend Christmas with them, such a silly question, and of course they'd be delicate about the loss of her parents, what kind of person did James think she was? She gave the letter to the owl along with a treat or two. “Go on,” she told it. “Go make him feel like a hero.”
–––––
And feel like a hero he did when he told Lily of his plans the following evening.
They were (once again) attempting to complete their homework in the Heads' Common Room, when James suddenly cleared his throat. “Um, Lils? You know how you said you were gonna stay here for Christmas?” Lily nodded, looking slightly confused – you'd think that after the sobfest of the previous evening, he'd at least attempt to avoid the subject. “Well, Sirius and I were thinking... how would you like to come home with us?”
“James, that sounds wonderful, really... but I couldn't possibly.”
“Whyever not? My Mum would absolutely love to have you. She's being dying to meet you ever since I told her about the time you stuck my arse to my chair in second year.”
“You told her about that?”
“Well, obviously. I was terribly impressed, you know.”
“Sure you were.”
“I was! Seriously. But hey, how about it?”
“No, James, really... I can't intrude on your family's Christmas.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You wouldn't be intruding, honest to Merlin. Come on, Sirius is gonna be there too.”
“Oh, really, now?” Lily asked, her eyes gleaming mischievously. “Sirius too?”
“Indeed. Imagine that: Christmas with the better half of the Marauders.”
“That does sound tempting...”
“Just say you'll come. You have no idea what it'd mean to my mum, honest – and me. I can't just leave you alone for Christmas.”
“You could perfectly well leave me alone for Christmas, you know, I'd be just fine.”
“Lils...”
“But okay, yes, fine, I'll come.”
James let out a sound somewhere between victory and relief and flung his arms around Lily's neck rather over-zealously. She laughed. “Jeez, calm down already! But thanks.” And for the second time in as many days a softly uttered thanks did wondrous if cracking, breaking things to James' poor confused heart.
–––––
It seemed the cycles of the moon had not a hint of compassion, because as luck would have it, the full moon fell on the day before Christmas, meaning that Remus had to stay at the castle over the holidays. Wanting to avoid the joyous commotion that always accompanied leaving the school, he headed to the Hospital Wing two days before school let out, opting instead to rest in the relative quiet offered in Madam Pomfrey's domain.
James and Sirius were heading up the last Quidditch practise of the fall season, working the players extra hard so as to try and prevent the inevitable fattening brought on by Christmas.
Lily was doing some last-minute homework in the Heads' Common Room when the portrait whole sprang open. “James?” she asked, confused; practise was supposed to go on for a while still, and it wasn't like James to cut them short. When no answer came in return, she lifted her head to see Peter standing in the doorway, a most unreadable expression on his face. That was odd... Peter had never shown much interest in Lily, excluding of course the long conversations of nights long passed in the Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory. “Hi, Peter. James and Sirius are at practise and Remus is in the Hospital Wing, if you're looking for them...” Peter didn't reply, merely took a step closer.
That was when Lily began to feel that something was not quite right.
–––––
Half an hour or so later, James was walking towards his common room with Sirius. They were laughing about something or the other – it had been a good practise – when they arrived at the portrait of Uric the Oddball, only to notice that it was hanging slightly open.
“That's odd...” James trailed off; it was extremely unusual for Lily to leave anything halfway, even something as small as doors. He pushed the door fully open and stepped in with a feeling of trepidation, barely noticing the small rodent that slipped past him and into the dark corridor.
The sight he met was not one he would ever have dreamed up, not even in his wildest nightmares. For there was Lily, curled up on the floor with her clothes torn and her hair all over the place, rocking back and forth and sobbing silently.
He took a tentative step towards her, and then another one, approaching her like he would a wounded animal as Sirius looked on from the doorway, shock rooting him in place. He reached out a hand, attempting to touch her, establish some sort of contact with her, but as soon as his hand got within a few inches of her, she let out a piercing scream, pushing him away and scrambling into the corner.
