Wilson parked his car in front of Cuddy’s house. The silence was still filling the air around them since they left Mary’s home. The awkwardness of it was shouting the absence of words that could possibly express how they felt after what Doctor Mary told them. secondi later Cuddy broke it.
“How… could it… have it come to this, Wilson?” Her voice was Lost and his eyes focused on the street.
“I don’t know…”
“Do te want to come in?” She spoke as she opened the door.
“Only if te need me.”
Cuddy took a deep breath and the silence filled the air again. “Should I… should I visit him, Wilson?”
“I think te should.” Wilson was certain on his words. He, beyond anyone, wish the two of them could make things right, NOT that it should be like before… but they should talk.
“What… what am I gonna say?” Cuddy stared at Wilson, her eyes red in tears she didn’t allow to fall.
“I can’t answer that, Cuddy… I’m sorry. I’m not in a situation like yours, so I don’t know how it feels. I’m his friend so I say things to him that I would say if nothing of this had happened… but…”
“Ok, Wilson.” She stepped out of the car.
“Still need me to come in?”
“No, thanks. I need to be alone.”
“Just call me if te need.”
Cuddy stepped inside her house and closed the door. She leaned her back against it and closed her eyes slowly while pictures of a past broadcast inside her head, a past that would not leave her alone and would never come back. The way he would wake up after a long night of pure love, laying on his stomach and sprawled in the letto in a tangle with the blankets, the way she would lay on that beautiful back and hear his breathing, his cuore beat, his soul in a moment of serenity, the way his crazy hair would be crazier in the morning and the way she would caress it while he was sleepy, the way she would laugh on his sweetie hard mood when he woke up in the Mondays, she would always make him smile after pissing him about his mood, the way his eyes would sparkle just to see her, wonderful shiny blue eyes piercing her soul making everything else in the word fade away… These would never come back. It was all memories broken in the billion pieces of sand that formed the dust.
“Oh God, what have I done?” Cuddy hid his face in her hands as her back slide through the door until she could sit at the floor.
**
“Hey, baby…” House approached her and kissed soft her lips.
Cuddy was sat at the erba of her backyard looking at the stars. She had to tell him. He sat da her side and looked at the direction she was looking.
“Either te are solving some equation about the black holes and the principle of the uncertainty o te are about to tell me something I won’t like…” He looked at her and smiled. She just looked back at him and took a deep breath.
“Hey, I know I’ve been hard to deal with lately and I’m sorry about that… I just…” House spoke a little embarrassed.
“I cheated on you.” She didn’t look at him but spoke directly. House stared at her with a uncertainty and surprised face, as If his brain couldn’t process what she had just told him.
“Wh…what?”
“I’m sorry, Greg.” She looked down where she was playing with the grass. She couldn’t face him, she couldn’t handle to see the hurt in his face, and she could NOT handle to see the damage, another greater damage she had done to him.
House stared at the precedente direction unable to say a word, unable to even process a word. His brain had stopped the moment she detto “cheated on you”. A moment of silence filled the air. She could hear his unstable breathing like he was about to cry his cuore out and was holding the tears with all his powers. That sound was the cruelest thing she had ever heard in her life and she felt like she was the greater devil hanging around in the world doing damage to people who were already too much damaged.
“Why… why would te do that?” His voice was trembling and broken, but puzzled.
“I’m sorry, Greg…things were not good between us…”
“And is it reason enough for te to fuck another guy? It’s not even a reason.” He interrupted now angry.
“Greg…” She finally looked at him and her cuore exploded when she saw his eyes, his blue eyes was a shadow behind an ocean of tears he would not allow to fall.
“You are a coward, Lisa.” He grabbed his cane and stood up.
“Greg, wait.” She stood up and grabbed his arm.
“Get off of me.”
“I know it’s not a reason but I was lost, I didn’t know how to deal with you. te don’t talk to me, Greg, te don’t let me help te when te need…”
“I don’t need your help…”
“YOU are a coward.” She shouted at his face. “You are afraid to mostra me that even you, the Greater Gregory House, have your vulnerabilities and it’s frustrating because…”
“It’s not vulnerability, It’s pain.” He shouted back.
“I don’t see any difference.” She shouted back and they stared at each other.
“Let go off me.” He spoke angry, but she didn’t listen.
“Do te have any idea how hard it is to see te in pain and don’t be able to do anything? Do te know how it feels to see te cry alone while the pain devours te with no compassion? te don’t know that, Greg!!” She raised her voice.
“How could it possibly justify what te did!?” He raised his voice back.
“It doesn’t! I feel guilty every secondo I see te in pain…”
“I never blamed te and te know that!”
“Then why don’t te let me help you! For Christ’s sake, Greg! I Amore you!.”
“Don’t te dare saying that!!”
She closed her eyes and let go of his arm.
“Greg…” Her eyes were in tears and she didn’t care to let them fall.
“I have anterograde amnesia when I’m in pain. That’s why I’ve never let te near me, Lisa. I could hurt te pretty bad without knowing what I’m doing.” He turned and walked away.
“What?!!” She blocked his way.
“Leave me alone.”
“Greg… I’m sorry… I needed someone to talk to, I needed someone to be there and te weren’t. I don’t know what happened to te the last few months…”
“So then te decided to fuck another guy so te could chat with him about my pain and how I’m an egoistic jerk who won’t let te help me for te to feel less guilty… and how did te two chat… Moans? In a foreplay? In the middle of the sexy? For god’s sake, Lisa! te are worse then I am.” She slapped him. Gesù Christ, he did know how to hurt deep inside.
“Get out of my way.”
“No.” She detto angry.
“What do te want from me?” He detto angry.
“I don’t know… I don’t want te to go.”
“Oh, come on. te won’t be alone… te have your dirty little secret to wash your tears.”
“Stop it!” She shouted. “Stop hiding behind your sarcasm, I can see te need to cry and te are proud enough to even when te are completely destroyed not cry in front of people.”
“You gotta be kidding.” He laughed soft and looked away. “You are the last person in this world I will cry over its shoulder after what te did to me.” Now he was serious. “There were another less cruel ways for te to hurt me, Cuddy… and te choose the most horrible one. If te want to know whether I’ll cry o not, I tell te that I will because te were the last person I thought could hurt me so bad and te did. Proud now? I’ll cry the rest of my life because I Amore te and I won’t be able to deal with it. And still people ask me why I have issues about trusting… Now let me go, please.” He was crying.
She got out of his way and he left.
**
Cuddy stood up and headed to her bedroom. She was so tired she could sleep for the whole eternity not to deal with guilty anymore. She laid curled up in her letto and held her cuscino to soon fall sleep.
The lights in prison were still on and Theodore was sat at the little tavolo trying to decipher another book of pathology that House had stocked there. Theodore seemed to have fun with those difficult libri even though he would understand just a bit. Sometimes he asked House things and House tried to explain but Theodore couldn’t understand. He was also listening to House’s IPod even though he would know less about those songs.
“Greg… are te up?” He took the phones off.
“Yeah.” His voice was a little sleepy and sounded like a moan.
“What is a… Anti-neu…trophil cyto…plas… I can’t pronounce that?” Theodore tried to spell the word but couldn’t.
“Anti-neutrophil cytoplasmic antibodies.” House spelled for him.
“I could never spell something like that, how do I expect myself to understand it.” Theodore smiled.
“It’s not that hard. ANCAs are a group of mainly IgG antibodies against antigens in the cytoplasm of neutrophil granulocytes and monocytes. They are detected in some autoimmune disorders, but più associated with systemic vasculitis.” House stopped for a moment. “Ok, maybe it is that hard.” He smiled, but Theodore could not see.
“Oookaay… I got the word “disorders”…” He laughed. “Are te ok?” Theodore felt House’s voice a little agonized. He turned to look at the bunk letto and saw House curled up massaging his thigh.
“Yeah… Fine”
“You don’t seem fine.”
House didn’t respond. The lights suddenly went off; Theodore closed the book and headed to the bunk bed. He handed in House’s IPod and climbed the safety leader. Of course he slept at the letto above. A minuto later he spoke.
“Thank te for saving me that day.”
“Whatever…” The ‘whatever’ came in an agonized moan.
“You’re far from being ok… can I do something to help you?”
“No…” Another moan.
“Oh, God.” Theodore looked down “We can call the guards to take te to the infirmary.”
“Just sleep Theodore.”
“I can’t….”
“Then shut up.” House tried not to sound so hard and got it.
“Do te think Jay-E will come after te for revenge?”
“Probably...” House didn’t want to talk, but he didn’t want to cut Theodore off. The pain was destroying him… those painkillers were like candies, they didn’t have any effect.
“I’ll be there for you.”
“No, te won’t! te can’t fight him!” House spoke angry.
“I can, Greg!”
“No, te can’t! te can’t even to fight to get out here knowing te are innocent.” He detto angry.
“How do te know that?” Theodore turned to his side and looked down at House.
“How could a man like te possibly do the kind of crime te have to do to be sent to this prison?”
“I’m no better then te are, Greg.”
“You don’t know me at all and te should not say that when te know what I did.”
“Then how is it possible for man like te to do something like that?”
“I don’t have the answer, Theodore.”
“I have. This woman did something to you; she hurt te pretty fucking bad. I know everybody should say that it doesn’t justify what te did but te had no other way to mostra her how hurt te were o to take back so te choose that horrible way that happened to be a screwed up in every part way, da the way, but…”
“There are no buts’! For Christ’s sake are te trying to justify raping?”
“No!”
“Then shut up!” House was angry because he didn’t want to think that rape could be justified, because If it could… it would be his fault what Jay-E did to him. In his mind he was sure it was his entire fault, but he didn’t have to think about it all the fucking second.
“I’m not innocent at all, Greg.” The silence filled the air and was broken secondi later da the voice of Jay-E who appeared to be in a closer cell that he hadn’t been before.
“Heeeeey, Gregggg… my little cutie bitch… are te up?”
House flinched in his letto as that voice assaulted his head. “What is he doing up here?” Theodore spoke and looked down to check on House.
“I don’t know…” House spoke with a scared voice.
“Greg! Tomorrow I have a surprise for you! We will make sweetie love.”
“Shut up up there!”, “Yeah, new mostra coming up, yo!”, “Fuck him hard and let us watch, yo-E” These were the kind of murmurs the convicts who were still wake were spelling.
“Don’t let him get into your mind! Shut up te disturbed piece of crap.” Theodore screamed.
“Looks like your boyfriend wants some fun too, Greg.”
“Leave him alone...” House finally spoke.
“Only if te suck my cock, little bitch.” He laughed and the some convicts followed his laugh da laughing too.
“Oh yeah! Now I remember… I was supposed to do that but I left te on your knees screaming in pain on the floor.”
“Shut up!” Jay-E could not handle things that would mostra how vulnerable he could be.
“Shut the fuck up up there!”, “kill him yo-E!”, “Leave a piece of him for us, E.”, “Pretty nice culo should it be.”
“Shut up! All of you!” The guard up their floor detto with angry and imposition in his voice.
“I have a plan, Greg.” Theodore whispered and went down to sit in House’s bed.
“Just sleep, Theodore.” House turned to the other side to face the wall.
“If te end up in the solitary he couldn’t get you, Greg.”
“I don’t want to end up there again.”
“Would te rather being raped and let that monster beat the shit out of you?”
“We would just delay the inevitable.”
“Here’s the deal I’ll offer, te have a night to think about it. We will be at lunch talking, and then we will start to shout at each other whatever stuff we think about that could look like a real fight, then te will jump in me and beat the hell out of me.”
House turned again to face the man. “Why are te doing this?”
“Because I don’t want te to be killed.”
“Why?”
“Do I have to explain the unexplainable?”
“Yes If the unexplainable has something to do with me owning te a favor that I would NOT like to pay.”
“Shut up, man! I’m not that kind of a man. I’d not sexually blackmail you. I would not blackmail te at all and I’m not even gay.” Theodore was angry, but he could understand why House couldn’t trust anyone.
“So te are ok I beat the shit out of te just to protect me.”
“Protect me either since I’m also stuck in the situation for now on. I’ll be sicuro, cassetta di sicurezza in the infirmary and te will be metaphorically sicuro, cassetta di sicurezza in the solitary… at least to give us some time to think about how to stop that monster.”
“I’m not doing this… I can’t… go back to there again…”
“Greg! He is going to kill you.” Theodore almost shouted, but could suppress his voice in time.
“Then he would do me a favor…”
“Oh, listen to yourself!” Theodore spoke in disbelief and climbed up the safety ladder. “You, Greg! te don’t know how lucky te are!”
“How could I possibly be lucky, Theodore?!” House was getting really angry with the guy.
“You don’t value your life… Your life is enough lucky, Greg.” Theodore shifted impatiently in his bed.
“My dad, who turns out not to be my real one, abused me when I was a kid and my mom hid in their bedroom while he practiced his atrocities in his son. I tried to kill myself because of him when I was 12, I shoved his gun inside my mouth and pulled the trigger, in front of him, and he laughed because the gun was unloaded… my first real girlfriend betrayed me when she consent on a surgery, without my approval, and crippled me, and then she abandoned me because she couldn’t handle the guilty in seeing me in pain all the time… Then the first woman I really loved cheated on me… then I Lost it, became addicted to morphine and raped her when she screamed on my face that she was still fucking the son of a bitch… then when I tried to kill myself for ‘100’ time I got stuck in an accident that burned 70% of my body and trashed one of my kidneys… then I end up in prison, went to an agonizing detox from vicodin and morphine, and then a monster like that rape me and fuck the shit out of me… do te think that is lucky?” House was angry, really angry. His breathing was hard and he was almost panicking. Theodore couldn’t spell a word after House’s brief panic attack. He was still processing all his friend had just detto and it hurt, so much, because Theodore realized Greg was a victim of life and now, his theories wouldn’t apply…
Cuddy couldn’t sleep a wink as the flashbacks were playing through her mind. She needed a reason to explain what the hell she was thinking when she hooked up with John. Everything falls apart in the end, that was House’s point of view, but the difference between the explainable failure and the unexplainable one were the way the events would happen. Death was one of the explainable ones… what human beings couldn’t destroy… death would… But humans’ twisted minds were always running wild and free to do whatever damage they want to without think about the consequences… What would lead someone to hurt? Maybe human minds were controlled da some greater force, maybe things we couldn’t explain o even understand were set on da something bigger then us. Bullshit… Why do human beings always want to justify their actions da blaming something “bigger” then them? As If there were aliens out there controlling our minds and doing whatever damage they wish. Anyway… there she was trying to justify… How pathetic was that. She cheated, what’s there to explain besides the obvious? But the obvious for their relationship were più complex then the complicated obvious of normal people. House was not a normal guy, he was a genius, he was a child, he was needy, he was introspective in every possible way. te could not expect him to act like a normal guy. Ok, enough with the surreal and back to the reality. Forget the cheating and focus on the consequences of it. Why would he rape her? Can we call that rape? Did she enable him? Could she have stopped him? Did he have… an anterograde amnesia induced da the abuse of morphine and severe pain? No, that didn’t seem like it…. He was pretty consciousness. She never knew he had this kind of amnesia before. This means that the pain he felt was way crueler then she ever thought it could be. But she never realized it in him… Maybe because he would NOT let her near him when he was in pain… because he could hurt her and didn’t even know what he was doing… “I have anterograde amnesia when I’m in pain. That’s why I’ve never let te near me, Lisa. I could hurt te pretty bad without knowing what I’m doing.” … but no, that wasn’t it… She was a doctor; she would recognize an amnesia… Fuck… she couldn’t sleep anymore.
Cuddy stepped outside her bedroom and headed to the kitchen. She grabbed some succo, succo di frutta in the refrigerator and leaned against it when she closed the door. Her eyes were Lost and when she better knew, she was calling Wilson.
“Hello.” Wilson spoke with a sleepy voice.
“Hey, Wilson… are te sleeping?”
“Not anymore…” Wilson turned in the letto and looked at the ceiling.
“Did te know House had anterograde amnesia when he was in pain?”
“I guess I didn’t… why?”
“I was thinking… when I told him about John… we had a pretty hard fight… and he told me that he didn’t allow me to help him because he could hurt me without knowing…”
“Well! He’d never told me… He’d never let me help him either…”
“I was thinking maybe he had it when he… when he… could it be possible, Wilson?” Wilson sat in his letto and looked confused.
“I know he was high… Morphine could do that but he had to have used a lot of it…”
“Wilson, I need to see him…” Cuddy sniffed and Wilson caught that.
“Hey, Cuddy… te alright… calm down… We will figure a way out.”
“I should have fought harder!”
“Ok! Listen to me… just calm down. I’ll be right there soon.”
Wilson wore the first outfit he found and headed to Cuddy’s home.
In prison Theodore couldn’t sleep, he was listening to House’s irregular breathing and thinking… He needed to ask him something, but what If he was sleeping, what If the answer was a ‘yes’ and he panicked about that…
“Greg…” He whispered.
“Shut up, Theodore.” House spoke with a sleepy and begging voice.
“I have to ask te something… I know te freaked and it’s not a good time to dig this, but I need to know… maybe it could explain some things…”
“Just sleep.”
“The abuse? Was it… did he… was it sexual?” He finally spoke and hoped House wouldn’t panic.
“No…” He answered simple. He just wanted to sleep and make the pain go away.
“Ok… can I ask another question? I promise it would be last…”
“Please… shut up…” House’s voice had a bit of crying.
“When te pulled the trigger… te knew the gun was unloaded? te knew, Greg! Please, tell me te knew and te did it just to scare your father…” House didn’t understand Theodore’s concerns, but he was in a lot of pain to obsess with it and he just needed to sleep.
“No, I didn’t know.”
“Why would te do that, Greg? te were a child…” Theodore needed an answer based on God for all his theories and he couldn’t come up with one about House.
“…” House was crying in silence. “I just… wanted to… end… that, Theodore… please”
minuti later…
“Good night Greg!”
**
“Why would te cheat on him, Cuddy?” The domanda surprised Cuddy. They were talking about what-why-how would she see him after all that happened. “I can’t stop wondering… House is a nice guy when he wants too… He is never boring, he is smart, has those incredibly blue eyes, he is funny, ironic, defying, handsome… and he loves you… why would te do that?”
“It’s complicated, Wilson…” Cuddy shifted in her sit. She didn’t want to talk about that with Wilson.
“There’s gotta be a reason… I know because I’ve been there… I’m not judging te yet because I did it too, but I had reasons and I can explain easily all of them…”
“I was lonely, Wilson. The last few months of our relationship were not… fine… He was distant… he didn’t open up… didn’t let me help him. I think he was already on morphine and I… I couldn’t see him in pain and not be able to help him because he didn’t let me…” Cuddy was dropping tears. “Everything on the outside looked great, people saw us as the couple of the year, but the real thing was totally different. We were fighting all night, hurting each other deeply… I just needed someone… I hate myself for being that weak, I hate myself for being the real cause of all this mess, I hate myself for cheating when I could look at his eyes and just punch, punzone him on the face and say that I loved him so he should better let me help him o I would hurt him even more…” The last words made a little smile appear at Wilson’s face, but it was easily faded because he saw Cuddy was really crying.
“Come here.” Wilson hugged Cuddy.
“I’m sorry, Wilson. I didn’t know about the amnesia… I didn’t know he was pushing me away to protect me… I’m so selfish”
“Calm down, we will fix this mess… We can do it.”
**
“Gregory! What are te doing outside?” Little Greg watched his father approaching him in fury. He flinched and stood from his precedente sit. He was observing some ants in the garden.
“Please, John… leave him…” Blythe tried to stop the furious man.
“I told him to not be outside at night. He does it to defy me!” John grabbed Greg’s little arm and started dragging him through the garden.
“Mon…” Greg tried to call for his mom in a scary voice.
“John, please… stop it.” Blythe begged in tears… Greg could see she was tired to see his father hurting him, she had been sad since Greg was 5,… She probably felt guilty and Greg felt guilty about his mother sadness. He didn’t want her to fell guilty about what John did to him because it was not her fault… It was Greg’s fault…always, even when he tried his best to be a good son, he failed, in everything and now he was failing in make his mother happy… make her be proud of him… He didn’t want to see her crying like that anymore… crying because of him… because he was there in the garden observing ants when he was strictly told NOT to do that… Blythe should be disappointed with her son… He didn’t want to see her mother in misery like that… He needed to stop it… If he was the cause of her suffering, he should stop it.
“Go to our bedroom, I’ll be there soon.” John kissed her forehead and dragged little Greg to the basement.
“Greg…” She whispered his name and he turned his head to look back at her while he was being dragged.
“I’m sorry, mom.” It was all he could say before Blythe was running away. He had to stop hurting his mother.
“When I specify a rule to you, Gregory… te should follow it… I’m your father and te should do what I said. Do te think te are smart enough to defy me… te aren’t, little child.” John threw Greg inside the basement and closed the door.
“I’m sorry dad, please.” Greg flinched when he saw the tub and his father getting the ices from a fridge.
“I give te all a boy can dream. I give te good school, I give te expensive toys, I give te a bedroom full of stupid child stuffs and I feed you! All te have to do is obey me! Is it so hard, Gregory?”
“I’m sorry, dad…I just wanted to see the ants.” Greg was scared, but he was thinking about his mom. He had to stop hurting her no matter what.
“You owe respect for me and your mother. Do te think she likes when te disobey me. Do te think she likes when te defy me? Answer me, Gregory.” John was now filling the tub with ice and water. Greg felt his little cuore sunk with the words of his father. Greg new it was his fault that his mom was sad, and feeling guilty when she was not blamed. His little blue eyes spotted his father gun at the shelf. He had to stop that… for her mom he would do anything… even if it meant taking his own life away and stop being a sin to his parents. Little Greg ran to the shelf.
“Gregory! Where are te going?” He detto in an authoritarian voice.
Little Greg grabbed the gun and John froze.
“Greg, put it down.”
The child held it for a while and then he turned to face his father. John stared at his son and all he could see was Greg shoving the gun inside his mouth and pulling the trigger, quickly. He screamed ‘no’ and ran to his child, but no sound was made da the gun. He stared at Greg relived, but he couldn’t mostra his son that vulnerability, so he started laughing. Greg was disoriented, his little blues eyes was lost… He swore he was dead and when he realized his father was laughing he Lost it… He cried… he needed to end that… and he failed again…
“You are pathetic, Greg.” John grabbed the gun from Greg’s little shaking hands and put it away. He tried to reach his son arm but Greg ran quickly. John let him and when Greg reached the door and ran outside, John started to cry. The crying thing was the part that Greg didn’t see.
**
“Greg! Wake up! te are having a nightmare.” Theodore sat beside House and tried to shake his curled up form to wake him up. The man was trembling and sweating. “Greg wake up!” Theodore was desperate. “Greg!” He shouted and shook House’s shoulders. House opened his and immediately flinched in Theodore’s arms to then press his body against the wall, as If he was trying to protect himself.
“Greg! It’s ok… te were having a nightmare… It ok… look at me.” Theodore tried to reach him.
“There… was blood…” His voice was trembling, scared and his eyes were lost.
“It’s ok, it was a bad dream…”
“I just wanted… to do… something good… for once… for my mom… to stop her from being sad because of… me…” He started to cry a lot and embrace himself. Theodore reached him and pulled him to himself, to hug House’s curled body against his chest. House didn’t deny it… He grabbed Theodore’s T-Shirt with all his forces and held it like it was his life.
**
Thanks again, all of you! Sorry da the mistakes! I think my betta quit! :)
See ya!
“How… could it… have it come to this, Wilson?” Her voice was Lost and his eyes focused on the street.
“I don’t know…”
“Do te want to come in?” She spoke as she opened the door.
“Only if te need me.”
Cuddy took a deep breath and the silence filled the air again. “Should I… should I visit him, Wilson?”
“I think te should.” Wilson was certain on his words. He, beyond anyone, wish the two of them could make things right, NOT that it should be like before… but they should talk.
“What… what am I gonna say?” Cuddy stared at Wilson, her eyes red in tears she didn’t allow to fall.
“I can’t answer that, Cuddy… I’m sorry. I’m not in a situation like yours, so I don’t know how it feels. I’m his friend so I say things to him that I would say if nothing of this had happened… but…”
“Ok, Wilson.” She stepped out of the car.
“Still need me to come in?”
“No, thanks. I need to be alone.”
“Just call me if te need.”
Cuddy stepped inside her house and closed the door. She leaned her back against it and closed her eyes slowly while pictures of a past broadcast inside her head, a past that would not leave her alone and would never come back. The way he would wake up after a long night of pure love, laying on his stomach and sprawled in the letto in a tangle with the blankets, the way she would lay on that beautiful back and hear his breathing, his cuore beat, his soul in a moment of serenity, the way his crazy hair would be crazier in the morning and the way she would caress it while he was sleepy, the way she would laugh on his sweetie hard mood when he woke up in the Mondays, she would always make him smile after pissing him about his mood, the way his eyes would sparkle just to see her, wonderful shiny blue eyes piercing her soul making everything else in the word fade away… These would never come back. It was all memories broken in the billion pieces of sand that formed the dust.
“Oh God, what have I done?” Cuddy hid his face in her hands as her back slide through the door until she could sit at the floor.
**
“Hey, baby…” House approached her and kissed soft her lips.
Cuddy was sat at the erba of her backyard looking at the stars. She had to tell him. He sat da her side and looked at the direction she was looking.
“Either te are solving some equation about the black holes and the principle of the uncertainty o te are about to tell me something I won’t like…” He looked at her and smiled. She just looked back at him and took a deep breath.
“Hey, I know I’ve been hard to deal with lately and I’m sorry about that… I just…” House spoke a little embarrassed.
“I cheated on you.” She didn’t look at him but spoke directly. House stared at her with a uncertainty and surprised face, as If his brain couldn’t process what she had just told him.
“Wh…what?”
“I’m sorry, Greg.” She looked down where she was playing with the grass. She couldn’t face him, she couldn’t handle to see the hurt in his face, and she could NOT handle to see the damage, another greater damage she had done to him.
House stared at the precedente direction unable to say a word, unable to even process a word. His brain had stopped the moment she detto “cheated on you”. A moment of silence filled the air. She could hear his unstable breathing like he was about to cry his cuore out and was holding the tears with all his powers. That sound was the cruelest thing she had ever heard in her life and she felt like she was the greater devil hanging around in the world doing damage to people who were already too much damaged.
“Why… why would te do that?” His voice was trembling and broken, but puzzled.
“I’m sorry, Greg…things were not good between us…”
“And is it reason enough for te to fuck another guy? It’s not even a reason.” He interrupted now angry.
“Greg…” She finally looked at him and her cuore exploded when she saw his eyes, his blue eyes was a shadow behind an ocean of tears he would not allow to fall.
“You are a coward, Lisa.” He grabbed his cane and stood up.
“Greg, wait.” She stood up and grabbed his arm.
“Get off of me.”
“I know it’s not a reason but I was lost, I didn’t know how to deal with you. te don’t talk to me, Greg, te don’t let me help te when te need…”
“I don’t need your help…”
“YOU are a coward.” She shouted at his face. “You are afraid to mostra me that even you, the Greater Gregory House, have your vulnerabilities and it’s frustrating because…”
“It’s not vulnerability, It’s pain.” He shouted back.
“I don’t see any difference.” She shouted back and they stared at each other.
“Let go off me.” He spoke angry, but she didn’t listen.
“Do te have any idea how hard it is to see te in pain and don’t be able to do anything? Do te know how it feels to see te cry alone while the pain devours te with no compassion? te don’t know that, Greg!!” She raised her voice.
“How could it possibly justify what te did!?” He raised his voice back.
“It doesn’t! I feel guilty every secondo I see te in pain…”
“I never blamed te and te know that!”
“Then why don’t te let me help you! For Christ’s sake, Greg! I Amore you!.”
“Don’t te dare saying that!!”
She closed her eyes and let go of his arm.
“Greg…” Her eyes were in tears and she didn’t care to let them fall.
“I have anterograde amnesia when I’m in pain. That’s why I’ve never let te near me, Lisa. I could hurt te pretty bad without knowing what I’m doing.” He turned and walked away.
“What?!!” She blocked his way.
“Leave me alone.”
“Greg… I’m sorry… I needed someone to talk to, I needed someone to be there and te weren’t. I don’t know what happened to te the last few months…”
“So then te decided to fuck another guy so te could chat with him about my pain and how I’m an egoistic jerk who won’t let te help me for te to feel less guilty… and how did te two chat… Moans? In a foreplay? In the middle of the sexy? For god’s sake, Lisa! te are worse then I am.” She slapped him. Gesù Christ, he did know how to hurt deep inside.
“Get out of my way.”
“No.” She detto angry.
“What do te want from me?” He detto angry.
“I don’t know… I don’t want te to go.”
“Oh, come on. te won’t be alone… te have your dirty little secret to wash your tears.”
“Stop it!” She shouted. “Stop hiding behind your sarcasm, I can see te need to cry and te are proud enough to even when te are completely destroyed not cry in front of people.”
“You gotta be kidding.” He laughed soft and looked away. “You are the last person in this world I will cry over its shoulder after what te did to me.” Now he was serious. “There were another less cruel ways for te to hurt me, Cuddy… and te choose the most horrible one. If te want to know whether I’ll cry o not, I tell te that I will because te were the last person I thought could hurt me so bad and te did. Proud now? I’ll cry the rest of my life because I Amore te and I won’t be able to deal with it. And still people ask me why I have issues about trusting… Now let me go, please.” He was crying.
She got out of his way and he left.
**
Cuddy stood up and headed to her bedroom. She was so tired she could sleep for the whole eternity not to deal with guilty anymore. She laid curled up in her letto and held her cuscino to soon fall sleep.
The lights in prison were still on and Theodore was sat at the little tavolo trying to decipher another book of pathology that House had stocked there. Theodore seemed to have fun with those difficult libri even though he would understand just a bit. Sometimes he asked House things and House tried to explain but Theodore couldn’t understand. He was also listening to House’s IPod even though he would know less about those songs.
“Greg… are te up?” He took the phones off.
“Yeah.” His voice was a little sleepy and sounded like a moan.
“What is a… Anti-neu…trophil cyto…plas… I can’t pronounce that?” Theodore tried to spell the word but couldn’t.
“Anti-neutrophil cytoplasmic antibodies.” House spelled for him.
“I could never spell something like that, how do I expect myself to understand it.” Theodore smiled.
“It’s not that hard. ANCAs are a group of mainly IgG antibodies against antigens in the cytoplasm of neutrophil granulocytes and monocytes. They are detected in some autoimmune disorders, but più associated with systemic vasculitis.” House stopped for a moment. “Ok, maybe it is that hard.” He smiled, but Theodore could not see.
“Oookaay… I got the word “disorders”…” He laughed. “Are te ok?” Theodore felt House’s voice a little agonized. He turned to look at the bunk letto and saw House curled up massaging his thigh.
“Yeah… Fine”
“You don’t seem fine.”
House didn’t respond. The lights suddenly went off; Theodore closed the book and headed to the bunk bed. He handed in House’s IPod and climbed the safety leader. Of course he slept at the letto above. A minuto later he spoke.
“Thank te for saving me that day.”
“Whatever…” The ‘whatever’ came in an agonized moan.
“You’re far from being ok… can I do something to help you?”
“No…” Another moan.
“Oh, God.” Theodore looked down “We can call the guards to take te to the infirmary.”
“Just sleep Theodore.”
“I can’t….”
“Then shut up.” House tried not to sound so hard and got it.
“Do te think Jay-E will come after te for revenge?”
“Probably...” House didn’t want to talk, but he didn’t want to cut Theodore off. The pain was destroying him… those painkillers were like candies, they didn’t have any effect.
“I’ll be there for you.”
“No, te won’t! te can’t fight him!” House spoke angry.
“I can, Greg!”
“No, te can’t! te can’t even to fight to get out here knowing te are innocent.” He detto angry.
“How do te know that?” Theodore turned to his side and looked down at House.
“How could a man like te possibly do the kind of crime te have to do to be sent to this prison?”
“I’m no better then te are, Greg.”
“You don’t know me at all and te should not say that when te know what I did.”
“Then how is it possible for man like te to do something like that?”
“I don’t have the answer, Theodore.”
“I have. This woman did something to you; she hurt te pretty fucking bad. I know everybody should say that it doesn’t justify what te did but te had no other way to mostra her how hurt te were o to take back so te choose that horrible way that happened to be a screwed up in every part way, da the way, but…”
“There are no buts’! For Christ’s sake are te trying to justify raping?”
“No!”
“Then shut up!” House was angry because he didn’t want to think that rape could be justified, because If it could… it would be his fault what Jay-E did to him. In his mind he was sure it was his entire fault, but he didn’t have to think about it all the fucking second.
“I’m not innocent at all, Greg.” The silence filled the air and was broken secondi later da the voice of Jay-E who appeared to be in a closer cell that he hadn’t been before.
“Heeeeey, Gregggg… my little cutie bitch… are te up?”
House flinched in his letto as that voice assaulted his head. “What is he doing up here?” Theodore spoke and looked down to check on House.
“I don’t know…” House spoke with a scared voice.
“Greg! Tomorrow I have a surprise for you! We will make sweetie love.”
“Shut up up there!”, “Yeah, new mostra coming up, yo!”, “Fuck him hard and let us watch, yo-E” These were the kind of murmurs the convicts who were still wake were spelling.
“Don’t let him get into your mind! Shut up te disturbed piece of crap.” Theodore screamed.
“Looks like your boyfriend wants some fun too, Greg.”
“Leave him alone...” House finally spoke.
“Only if te suck my cock, little bitch.” He laughed and the some convicts followed his laugh da laughing too.
“Oh yeah! Now I remember… I was supposed to do that but I left te on your knees screaming in pain on the floor.”
“Shut up!” Jay-E could not handle things that would mostra how vulnerable he could be.
“Shut the fuck up up there!”, “kill him yo-E!”, “Leave a piece of him for us, E.”, “Pretty nice culo should it be.”
“Shut up! All of you!” The guard up their floor detto with angry and imposition in his voice.
“I have a plan, Greg.” Theodore whispered and went down to sit in House’s bed.
“Just sleep, Theodore.” House turned to the other side to face the wall.
“If te end up in the solitary he couldn’t get you, Greg.”
“I don’t want to end up there again.”
“Would te rather being raped and let that monster beat the shit out of you?”
“We would just delay the inevitable.”
“Here’s the deal I’ll offer, te have a night to think about it. We will be at lunch talking, and then we will start to shout at each other whatever stuff we think about that could look like a real fight, then te will jump in me and beat the hell out of me.”
House turned again to face the man. “Why are te doing this?”
“Because I don’t want te to be killed.”
“Why?”
“Do I have to explain the unexplainable?”
“Yes If the unexplainable has something to do with me owning te a favor that I would NOT like to pay.”
“Shut up, man! I’m not that kind of a man. I’d not sexually blackmail you. I would not blackmail te at all and I’m not even gay.” Theodore was angry, but he could understand why House couldn’t trust anyone.
“So te are ok I beat the shit out of te just to protect me.”
“Protect me either since I’m also stuck in the situation for now on. I’ll be sicuro, cassetta di sicurezza in the infirmary and te will be metaphorically sicuro, cassetta di sicurezza in the solitary… at least to give us some time to think about how to stop that monster.”
“I’m not doing this… I can’t… go back to there again…”
“Greg! He is going to kill you.” Theodore almost shouted, but could suppress his voice in time.
“Then he would do me a favor…”
“Oh, listen to yourself!” Theodore spoke in disbelief and climbed up the safety ladder. “You, Greg! te don’t know how lucky te are!”
“How could I possibly be lucky, Theodore?!” House was getting really angry with the guy.
“You don’t value your life… Your life is enough lucky, Greg.” Theodore shifted impatiently in his bed.
“My dad, who turns out not to be my real one, abused me when I was a kid and my mom hid in their bedroom while he practiced his atrocities in his son. I tried to kill myself because of him when I was 12, I shoved his gun inside my mouth and pulled the trigger, in front of him, and he laughed because the gun was unloaded… my first real girlfriend betrayed me when she consent on a surgery, without my approval, and crippled me, and then she abandoned me because she couldn’t handle the guilty in seeing me in pain all the time… Then the first woman I really loved cheated on me… then I Lost it, became addicted to morphine and raped her when she screamed on my face that she was still fucking the son of a bitch… then when I tried to kill myself for ‘100’ time I got stuck in an accident that burned 70% of my body and trashed one of my kidneys… then I end up in prison, went to an agonizing detox from vicodin and morphine, and then a monster like that rape me and fuck the shit out of me… do te think that is lucky?” House was angry, really angry. His breathing was hard and he was almost panicking. Theodore couldn’t spell a word after House’s brief panic attack. He was still processing all his friend had just detto and it hurt, so much, because Theodore realized Greg was a victim of life and now, his theories wouldn’t apply…
Cuddy couldn’t sleep a wink as the flashbacks were playing through her mind. She needed a reason to explain what the hell she was thinking when she hooked up with John. Everything falls apart in the end, that was House’s point of view, but the difference between the explainable failure and the unexplainable one were the way the events would happen. Death was one of the explainable ones… what human beings couldn’t destroy… death would… But humans’ twisted minds were always running wild and free to do whatever damage they want to without think about the consequences… What would lead someone to hurt? Maybe human minds were controlled da some greater force, maybe things we couldn’t explain o even understand were set on da something bigger then us. Bullshit… Why do human beings always want to justify their actions da blaming something “bigger” then them? As If there were aliens out there controlling our minds and doing whatever damage they wish. Anyway… there she was trying to justify… How pathetic was that. She cheated, what’s there to explain besides the obvious? But the obvious for their relationship were più complex then the complicated obvious of normal people. House was not a normal guy, he was a genius, he was a child, he was needy, he was introspective in every possible way. te could not expect him to act like a normal guy. Ok, enough with the surreal and back to the reality. Forget the cheating and focus on the consequences of it. Why would he rape her? Can we call that rape? Did she enable him? Could she have stopped him? Did he have… an anterograde amnesia induced da the abuse of morphine and severe pain? No, that didn’t seem like it…. He was pretty consciousness. She never knew he had this kind of amnesia before. This means that the pain he felt was way crueler then she ever thought it could be. But she never realized it in him… Maybe because he would NOT let her near him when he was in pain… because he could hurt her and didn’t even know what he was doing… “I have anterograde amnesia when I’m in pain. That’s why I’ve never let te near me, Lisa. I could hurt te pretty bad without knowing what I’m doing.” … but no, that wasn’t it… She was a doctor; she would recognize an amnesia… Fuck… she couldn’t sleep anymore.
Cuddy stepped outside her bedroom and headed to the kitchen. She grabbed some succo, succo di frutta in the refrigerator and leaned against it when she closed the door. Her eyes were Lost and when she better knew, she was calling Wilson.
“Hello.” Wilson spoke with a sleepy voice.
“Hey, Wilson… are te sleeping?”
“Not anymore…” Wilson turned in the letto and looked at the ceiling.
“Did te know House had anterograde amnesia when he was in pain?”
“I guess I didn’t… why?”
“I was thinking… when I told him about John… we had a pretty hard fight… and he told me that he didn’t allow me to help him because he could hurt me without knowing…”
“Well! He’d never told me… He’d never let me help him either…”
“I was thinking maybe he had it when he… when he… could it be possible, Wilson?” Wilson sat in his letto and looked confused.
“I know he was high… Morphine could do that but he had to have used a lot of it…”
“Wilson, I need to see him…” Cuddy sniffed and Wilson caught that.
“Hey, Cuddy… te alright… calm down… We will figure a way out.”
“I should have fought harder!”
“Ok! Listen to me… just calm down. I’ll be right there soon.”
Wilson wore the first outfit he found and headed to Cuddy’s home.
In prison Theodore couldn’t sleep, he was listening to House’s irregular breathing and thinking… He needed to ask him something, but what If he was sleeping, what If the answer was a ‘yes’ and he panicked about that…
“Greg…” He whispered.
“Shut up, Theodore.” House spoke with a sleepy and begging voice.
“I have to ask te something… I know te freaked and it’s not a good time to dig this, but I need to know… maybe it could explain some things…”
“Just sleep.”
“The abuse? Was it… did he… was it sexual?” He finally spoke and hoped House wouldn’t panic.
“No…” He answered simple. He just wanted to sleep and make the pain go away.
“Ok… can I ask another question? I promise it would be last…”
“Please… shut up…” House’s voice had a bit of crying.
“When te pulled the trigger… te knew the gun was unloaded? te knew, Greg! Please, tell me te knew and te did it just to scare your father…” House didn’t understand Theodore’s concerns, but he was in a lot of pain to obsess with it and he just needed to sleep.
“No, I didn’t know.”
“Why would te do that, Greg? te were a child…” Theodore needed an answer based on God for all his theories and he couldn’t come up with one about House.
“…” House was crying in silence. “I just… wanted to… end… that, Theodore… please”
minuti later…
“Good night Greg!”
**
“Why would te cheat on him, Cuddy?” The domanda surprised Cuddy. They were talking about what-why-how would she see him after all that happened. “I can’t stop wondering… House is a nice guy when he wants too… He is never boring, he is smart, has those incredibly blue eyes, he is funny, ironic, defying, handsome… and he loves you… why would te do that?”
“It’s complicated, Wilson…” Cuddy shifted in her sit. She didn’t want to talk about that with Wilson.
“There’s gotta be a reason… I know because I’ve been there… I’m not judging te yet because I did it too, but I had reasons and I can explain easily all of them…”
“I was lonely, Wilson. The last few months of our relationship were not… fine… He was distant… he didn’t open up… didn’t let me help him. I think he was already on morphine and I… I couldn’t see him in pain and not be able to help him because he didn’t let me…” Cuddy was dropping tears. “Everything on the outside looked great, people saw us as the couple of the year, but the real thing was totally different. We were fighting all night, hurting each other deeply… I just needed someone… I hate myself for being that weak, I hate myself for being the real cause of all this mess, I hate myself for cheating when I could look at his eyes and just punch, punzone him on the face and say that I loved him so he should better let me help him o I would hurt him even more…” The last words made a little smile appear at Wilson’s face, but it was easily faded because he saw Cuddy was really crying.
“Come here.” Wilson hugged Cuddy.
“I’m sorry, Wilson. I didn’t know about the amnesia… I didn’t know he was pushing me away to protect me… I’m so selfish”
“Calm down, we will fix this mess… We can do it.”
**
“Gregory! What are te doing outside?” Little Greg watched his father approaching him in fury. He flinched and stood from his precedente sit. He was observing some ants in the garden.
“Please, John… leave him…” Blythe tried to stop the furious man.
“I told him to not be outside at night. He does it to defy me!” John grabbed Greg’s little arm and started dragging him through the garden.
“Mon…” Greg tried to call for his mom in a scary voice.
“John, please… stop it.” Blythe begged in tears… Greg could see she was tired to see his father hurting him, she had been sad since Greg was 5,… She probably felt guilty and Greg felt guilty about his mother sadness. He didn’t want her to fell guilty about what John did to him because it was not her fault… It was Greg’s fault…always, even when he tried his best to be a good son, he failed, in everything and now he was failing in make his mother happy… make her be proud of him… He didn’t want to see her crying like that anymore… crying because of him… because he was there in the garden observing ants when he was strictly told NOT to do that… Blythe should be disappointed with her son… He didn’t want to see her mother in misery like that… He needed to stop it… If he was the cause of her suffering, he should stop it.
“Go to our bedroom, I’ll be there soon.” John kissed her forehead and dragged little Greg to the basement.
“Greg…” She whispered his name and he turned his head to look back at her while he was being dragged.
“I’m sorry, mom.” It was all he could say before Blythe was running away. He had to stop hurting his mother.
“When I specify a rule to you, Gregory… te should follow it… I’m your father and te should do what I said. Do te think te are smart enough to defy me… te aren’t, little child.” John threw Greg inside the basement and closed the door.
“I’m sorry dad, please.” Greg flinched when he saw the tub and his father getting the ices from a fridge.
“I give te all a boy can dream. I give te good school, I give te expensive toys, I give te a bedroom full of stupid child stuffs and I feed you! All te have to do is obey me! Is it so hard, Gregory?”
“I’m sorry, dad…I just wanted to see the ants.” Greg was scared, but he was thinking about his mom. He had to stop hurting her no matter what.
“You owe respect for me and your mother. Do te think she likes when te disobey me. Do te think she likes when te defy me? Answer me, Gregory.” John was now filling the tub with ice and water. Greg felt his little cuore sunk with the words of his father. Greg new it was his fault that his mom was sad, and feeling guilty when she was not blamed. His little blue eyes spotted his father gun at the shelf. He had to stop that… for her mom he would do anything… even if it meant taking his own life away and stop being a sin to his parents. Little Greg ran to the shelf.
“Gregory! Where are te going?” He detto in an authoritarian voice.
Little Greg grabbed the gun and John froze.
“Greg, put it down.”
The child held it for a while and then he turned to face his father. John stared at his son and all he could see was Greg shoving the gun inside his mouth and pulling the trigger, quickly. He screamed ‘no’ and ran to his child, but no sound was made da the gun. He stared at Greg relived, but he couldn’t mostra his son that vulnerability, so he started laughing. Greg was disoriented, his little blues eyes was lost… He swore he was dead and when he realized his father was laughing he Lost it… He cried… he needed to end that… and he failed again…
“You are pathetic, Greg.” John grabbed the gun from Greg’s little shaking hands and put it away. He tried to reach his son arm but Greg ran quickly. John let him and when Greg reached the door and ran outside, John started to cry. The crying thing was the part that Greg didn’t see.
**
“Greg! Wake up! te are having a nightmare.” Theodore sat beside House and tried to shake his curled up form to wake him up. The man was trembling and sweating. “Greg wake up!” Theodore was desperate. “Greg!” He shouted and shook House’s shoulders. House opened his and immediately flinched in Theodore’s arms to then press his body against the wall, as If he was trying to protect himself.
“Greg! It’s ok… te were having a nightmare… It ok… look at me.” Theodore tried to reach him.
“There… was blood…” His voice was trembling, scared and his eyes were lost.
“It’s ok, it was a bad dream…”
“I just wanted… to do… something good… for once… for my mom… to stop her from being sad because of… me…” He started to cry a lot and embrace himself. Theodore reached him and pulled him to himself, to hug House’s curled body against his chest. House didn’t deny it… He grabbed Theodore’s T-Shirt with all his forces and held it like it was his life.
**
Thanks again, all of you! Sorry da the mistakes! I think my betta quit! :)
See ya!
