Theme song: link
Bob: *Picks up his phone as it rings* Hello.
SeanTheHedgehog Presents
The Bob Newhart Fanfiction
Narrator: This is the story of a stallion named Bob Newhart. He lives in Fillydelphia with his wife, Emily. They have a friend that sometimes visits them, named Howard. Bob has a great life. He's a therapist, and helps out many ponies that have a problem. One day, he arrived at work, and three ponies were waiting for him.
The song fades away as the therapy session begins.
Lily: Good morning Bob.
Sam: How has your giorno been Bob?
Mr. Carlin: Wonderful weather we're having, eh Bob?
Bob: Yeah, it's wonderful weather we're having. What's the matter with te three?
Sam: Mr. Carlin says that the two of us are lazy, because he want's us to wash his car.
Mr. Carlin: Just do somepony a favor, okay?
Bob: Mr. Carlin, if te want your car to be washed, but don't feel like doing it yourself, go to a carwash.
Mr. Carlin: That costs money. I want somepony to do it for free.
Bob: I don't think that's possible. You'll have to pay the ponies that wash your car.
Mr. Carlin: I don't have enough money to get a carwash though.
Bob: Do te have any kids?
Mr. Carlin: Only one. Why?
Bob: I know a lot of colts, and fillies that like to have fun with water, sponges, and everything used for cleaning a car. Perhaps your little pony would like to clean the car for free.
Mr. Carlin: Yeah. Good idea.
Bob: Excellent, I'm glad we could fix this. So, is that the only problem?
Lily: Yes, thank te for helping us.
Bob: Alright, te three come back anytime te have another problem.
Later, at Bob's apartment.
Howard: *On smartphone*
Emily: Howard?
Howard: Yes?
Emily: How long have te been on my phone?
Howard: Oh, this was yours? I've been playing caramelle Crush for so long, that I forgot.
Emily: How many lives do I have left?
Howard: One.
Bob: *Enters his apartment*
Emily: Hi Bob.
Bob: Hello Emily. *sees Howard on smartphone* Need extra lives Howard?
Howard: Oh no, this is Emily's phone.
Bob: Well, don't te have your own phone?
Howard: I used to, but it got destroyed on the last plane I had to fly.
Bob: How?
Howard: Let's just say I was too busy to see where I was sitting.
Bob: Oh, I see.
Emily: How was your giorno dear?
Bob: It was alright. I had three ponies come in, because one of them tried to create some slavery over a carwash.
Emily: Well, te don't have to worry about that anymore. I just finished preparing dinner. te two can eat whenever you're ready.
Howard: Alright, just as soon as I... *Fails level* What?! When did a bomb get there?
Bob: ciao Howard, how about we have some chicken, instead of a rage?
Howard: *Puts phone on table* Okay.
The successivo giorno at work, Bob was in his office.
Bob: Carol?
Carol: Yes Bob?
Bob: Could te please get me some coffee?
Carol: Coming right up.
Mr. Carlin: *Knocking on door*
Bob: My door is open, te can come in.
Mr. Carlin: Oh, I knew that, I just like knocking on doors. *Enters room*
Bob: Is everything okay?
Mr. Carlin: Well, to be honest, no. My wife got angry with me, for letting our puledro, colt wash the car for free. Now, she's thinking on divorcing me.
Bob: Well, I'm sorry to hear that Mr. Carlin-
Carol: *Brings coffee* Here te are Bob.
Bob: Thanks, put it on my scrivania, reception in front of me.
Carol: *Puts coffee on desk, and leaves office*
Mr. Carlin: What were te going to say?
Bob: What I was going to say was that te should apologize to your wife, and try to take her out on a date. This works on most occasions, but if she's extremely angry, there's a chance it won't work. That reminds me, how angry is she?
Mr. Carlin: She threw mud on my car.
Bob: Yeah, I'd go with the divorce.
Mr. Carlin: Thank te Mr. Newhart.
Bob: te can just call me Bob.
Mr. Carlin: But te always call me Mr. Carlin.
Bob: Well, maybe that's because I don't know your first name.
Mr. Carlin: Well I don't have a scrivania, reception with my entire name on it.
Bob: What is your first name?
Mr. Carlin: George.
Bob: Alright George, I'm glad te came down here to talk, but unfortunately, we're out of time. te come back again successivo week if you'd like.
Mr. Carlin: Right, thanks. *Leaves office*
A half ora later, Bob's boss arrived.
Boss: Hello Bob.
Bob: Hello sir.
Boss: I just want to say you've been doing a great job this week. Keep it up.
Bob: te got it sir, but I wanna tell te something.
Boss: Yes?
Bob: I think it's time that I went on a vacation. Only for four days.
Boss: Okay. We'll get te something for your vacation.
Bob: Alright, I'll go the giorno after tomorrow.
Boss: Good plan.
Lily & Sam: *Walk in office* Hi Bob.
Bob: Hello. What can I help te two with?
Lily: We were at the zoo, and something bad happened to us.
Bob: What happened?
Sam: One of the guards made us leave this exhibit, because he thought we were loitering, but we were just watching one of the monkeys.
Bob: And how did this make te feel?
Lily: Angry.
Six hours later, Bob returned home, and was talking to Emily about the vacation
Emily: What did te have in mind?
Bob: I was thinking we could go on a luxury cruise. We'll go the giorno after tomorrow, and take a break from it all.
Howard: *Knocking on door* Bob, let me in!
Bob: In a minuto Howard, I'm busy.
Howard: *Walks in apartment, and walks right successivo to Bob*
Bob: Come in Howard!
Emily: Could te close the door?
Howard: Oh, right. Sorry. *Goes to door, and closes it* What's going on?
Bob: We're planning a vacation.
Howard: Can I come along?
Bob: Well...
Howard: *Hears his phone ringing* Hold that thought. *Answers phone* Hello... What?... Now?..... Alright, sorry, I'll get there right away. *Hangs up* I have to fly a plane to London. Perhaps another time, I'll go on a vacation with you.
Bob: Right.
Howard: *Leaving apartment* Bye gu- *walks into door, then opens the door* Bye guys. *Closes door as he exits apartment*
The successivo day, Bob came to work. Carol had a gift for his vacation tomorrow.
Bob: Hello.
Boss & Carol: ciao Bob. We have your present.
Bob: What is it?
Carol: *Shows gift* Some wine, for you, and your wife.
Bob: Thanks. How old is this wine?
Carol: It's from last Tuesday.
Bob: Oh.
Sam: *Arrives* Hello Bob.
Bob: Hi Sam, have a sede, sedile in my office, I'll be right with you.
Sam: *Sees wine* What's the vintage on that? I'll bet it's from 1936.
Bob: Last tuesday.
Sam: Oh. Doesn't taste as good as a '36, but okay. *Goes to office*
Bob: Well, I really like the gift te have dato me, and I want to thank you.
Boss: No problem. Now get to work.
Bob: *Goes to his office*
The successivo giorno was the vacation. Bob, and Emily got on the luxury cruise liner, and were enjoying theirselves very much.
Bob: *Laying in bed* This is great Emily. I'm glad we could get some time to do this.
Emily: You're right. We needed più time for a vacation.
Bob: No Howard, no problems with Lily, Sam o Mr. Carlin. Just you, and me.
Somepony was knocking on the door.
Emily: Who could that be?
Scottish Pony: *Opens door* Good morning. My name is Burt Klinger, and this is me mum, Mildred.
Bob: te call your own mother da her first name?
Burt: I ain't got a mother, I detto mum.
Mildred: It's just a nickname he likes to use for me.
Bob: Pretty... Clever.
Burt: So how are you?
Bob: Good.
Emily: Excuse me for asking, but have we met before?
Burt: No we haven't. This is something I like to do with everypony when they seem friendly.
Bob: But te just met us.
Mildred: We saw te boarding, and we saw which room te went in, and we decided to come in, and say hello.
Bob: How nice of you, hello.
Burt: Well, we better get going, a scavenger hunt is going to start soon.
Emily: Ooh, I Amore scavenger hunts.
Bob: I was going to get some lunch.
Emily: Why don't the four of us go together?
Bob: I don't think thats-
Burt: That's a great idea. Let's go now.
Bob: *Sighs* Why?
Burt: te know what I like to get all the time?
Bob: Potatoes?
Burt: No, that's the Irish. I like to get the salad.
Mildred: And I get steak.
Burt: Maybe, this time te should have the insalata with me mum.
Emily: insalata sounds nice.
Bob: I have to agree with Mildred, the bistecca sounds good.
Waiter: May I take your orders.
Burt: Me, and mum will have a salad.
Mildred: Don't be daft Burt, I can order for myself. Let me have a steak.
Waiter: Okay. *Writing down orders* And for the rest of you?
Bob: Steak.
Emily: Salad.
Waiter: Okay. What kind of dressing would te like for the salads.
Burt: Ranch.
Emily: French.
Waiter: Coming right up. *Goes to kitchen*
Burt: Why didn't te get the salad?
Mildred: I told you, I could order my own food!
Bob: Hey, there's no need to shout.
Mildred: Sorry Bobby.
Bob: Please, just call me Bob.
Burt: So, what te do te two do?
Bob: I'm a therapist.
Burt: A rapist?
Bob: No, I detto therapist.
Emily: I work on advertising.
Bob: So, what about-
Burt: te know something? I'm sorry to say this, but I hate therapists. They're always telling ponies that they have this problem, and how to solve them.
Bob: Actually Burt, the ponies that come to visit a therapist tell them their problem. Not the other way around.
Burt: But te always tell them how to solve it.
Bob: Because they want help.
Burt: I just hate therapy in general.
Emily: ciao look, the band is here.
The band shows up on stage, and is playing a song: link
Mildred: Oh, I Amore this song.
Bob: Me too. Emily, do te want to dance while we wait for our food?
Emily: Sure.
Mildred: I want to dance too.
Burt: I don't. te go ahead, and dance. We'll let the waiter know where te are.
Bob: Well, thanks. *Goes to dancing floor*
Emily: *Follows Bob*
While Bob, and Emily were dancing, Mildred seemed sad. She left the table.
Burt: Where do te think you're going?
Mildred: For a walk. I need some fresh air.
Burt: Oh, fine.
Mildred: *Goes for walk*
After lunch, Bob went in his room to relax, while Emily, and a few other ponies went on a scavenger hunt around the ship. Soon, Bob heard somepony knocking on his door.
Bob: Come in.
Mildred: *Comes in* I need your help with something.
Bob: What's the matter?
Mildred: It's Burt. He's been bothering me since we came here. I told him not to call me mum, but he got angry with me.
Bob: He didn't try to hurt you, did he?
Mildred: No, but he's probably looking for me, and then he'll hurt me.
Bob: I'll make sure he doesn't hurt you.
random Pony: *Knocking on door*
Mildred: That's probably him!
Bob: *Opens door*
random Pony: Hi I'm on a scavenger hunt. Do te have any grey socks, a football, o a long wooden stick?
Bob: No, I don't have any of those.
random Pony: *Leaves room*
Bob: *Closes door* Now, where were we?
Mildred: I told te that Burt might hurt me if he finds me.
Bob: Well, if he shows up, te just hide somewhere, and I'll tell him that you're not around here.
??: *Knocking on door*
Mildred: That's him, I know it! *Hiding in closet*
Bob: *Opens door*
random Mare: Hello, I'm on a scavenger hunt. Do te have a foto of Bruno Mars, o a diamond necklace?
Bob: What kind of a scavenger hunt has a diamond necklace?
random Mare: None, but I thought if I detto it fast, te would give one to me. *Leaves*
Bob: *Closes door*
Mildred: *Comes out of closet*
Okay, I know that sounded wrong, but bare with me!
Mildred: I think this is too death defying.
Bob: Mildred, te have to relax. te should take some deep breaths, and if te need to, I'll let te lay in my bed.
??: *Knocking on door*
Mildred: Back to the closet! *Runs in closet*
Bob: *Opens door*
random pony 35: Hello, I'm on a scavenger hunt. Do te have a pair of headphones, an Italian flag, o a spear?
Bob: No.
random pony 35: Are te sure?
Bob: I think I'd remember packing a spear.
random pony 35: *Leaves*
Bob: *Closes door*
Mildred: *Comes out of closet*
Emily: *Enters room*
Mildred: AH! *Sees Emily* Oh, it's just you. I thought it was somepony else.
Emily: What's the matter?
Bob: Mildred, and Burt got in this fight, and now she's concerned that Burt wants to hurt her.
Emily: What are te going to do?
Bob: I'm not sure. I guess we can keep Mildred in here until things get sorted out with her, and Burt.
Emily: Is that alright with te Mildred?
Mildred: Yes! Anywhere from that miserable stallion is a good place to me.
Bob: Alright. I'm gonna go talk to him.
Bob found Burt at the bar. He was drinking some alcohol.
Bob: Burt, may I talk to you?
Burt: Oh, sure thing Bob. What would te like to talk about?
Bob: I heard from your wife that te threatened to beat her up if te saw her again.
Burt: Yes I did. Have te seen her?
Bob: No.
Burt: Oh well. Why don't te have some drinks with me? You'll Amore it.
Bob: How many did te have?
Burt: Oh, about six so far.
Waiter: *Arrives* Would te like another drink?
Burt: Yes, and get one for me friend too.
Bob: Right. I want one too.
Waiter: Coming up. *Goes to get drink*
Bob: So anyway, why would te want to beat up your wife?
Burt: She disrespected me.
Bob: Well, the way I heard it, te were disrespecting her.
Burt: te must've heard it wrong. She told me that she didn't want to be called mum anymore, so that infuriated me, and I told her to leave me alone.
Bob: te know, maybe for once te should call your wife da her own name.
Waiter: *Arrives with drinks*
Burt: Thank you.
Bob: Yes, thanks.
Burt: Could te bring us another drink?
Waiter: Yep. I'm on it. *Goes to get drinks*
Burt: Now te drink that booze, and tell me what te think.
Bob: *drinks* It's- *Coughs* Good. *Bangs on counter twice*
Burt: I knew you'd like it. *Drinks his drink* Now, why would I want to call Mildred da her own name, when I got an adorable nickname for her?
Bob: I don't think she likes that nickname anymore. Maybe te should stop.
Burt: No thanks.
Waiter: *Brings drinks*
Burt: Thank you. *drinks*
Bob: *Drinks, coughs, then bangs on counter twice*
Burt: te really enjoy that, don't you?
Bob: Yeah, but I have to go. *Leaves counter*
Bob returned to his room, where Emily, and Mildred were waiting.
Mildred: What did he say?
Bob: *drunk* Who's he? I never met that pony.
Mildred: Burt. What did he say to you?
Bob: Oh, that pony... He detto that mum is a great name for you.
Emily: Are te okay Bob?
Bob: Me? Of course I am... Who are we talking about?
Mildred: I'm so attraversare, croce with Burt, I could just punch, punzone him.
Emily: Bob has a solution to get that anger out of your system. What was it Bob?
Bob: What was what?
Emily: Oh, I remember. Grab a pillow, and punch, punzone it.
Mildred: *Grabs pillow* Are te sure?
Emily: This works all the time.
Mildred: *Punches pillow* That felt fun.
Meanwhile outside of Bob's room
Burt: *Walking toward Bob's room*
random Pony: *Sees Burt* Excuse me sir, I'm on a scavenger hunt, do te have a yellow crayon, o a cell phone?
Burt: I don't have any of those.
random Pony: What kind of a pony doesn't have a cell phone? *Walks away*
Burt: *Knocks on door*
Mildred: AH! That could be him!
Burt: Bob, could I come in?
Bob: Sure.
Mildred: What are te doing?
Bob: Relax, use that cuscino if he tries to punch, punzone you.
Burt: *Enters room* Mildred, what are te doing here?
Emily: She just stopped da a few minuti ago.
Burt: Oh. Anyway, I wanna apologize for my behavior. It was wrong of me, and I won't do it again.
Mildred: That's great Burt. Thank you.
Burt, and Mildred left the room smiling at each other.
Bob: Well, now what?
Emily: We enjoy the rest of our cruise until returning to Fillydelphia.
Captain: *Talking on loudspeaker* Attention, this is your captain speaking. I know this may seem like you're flying on an airplane, especially with the starting sentence, but that's not the point. te will be returning to Fillydelphia soon. Thank te for staying with us, and we hope te enjoyed your visit on this ship.
Bob: Well. It was nice while it lasted.
Bob, and Emily returned home.
Emily: Well, that was a fun cruise.
Bob: *Being sarcastic* Yeah, especially the part where random ponies ask for random items.
Emily: Perhaps some TV might help you. *Turns on TV* Let's see what's on.
TV Pony: Walt Disney has gone bankrupt creating the movie Frozen, which turned out to be the worst animated film ever.
Emily: Enjoy that, I'm gonna go get groceries. *Leaves apartment*
Bob: Yeah, but I'm not watching a review about some stupid cartoon that nopony likes. *Changes channel*
Ponies On The Rails came on the Televisione
Gordon: *Loading baggage on train*
Pete: *Parks car in parking lot*
P.S.M: Gordon, your boss is here.
Gordon: How do te know? *sees Pete's car* Oh no.
Bob: *Changes channel*
The Seventh Scroll came on.
Bartholomew: I think we're here.
Javelin: My flat's over there in that building. *they walk up there and find the door open* Oh no... this can't be good...
Bob: Don't care *Changes channel*
A channel that played classical TV shows came on.
Bob: Oh good. I'm watching Adam 12.
25 minuti later.
Emily: *Returns* Bob, this isn't what te were watching when I left.
Bob: I know, I changed the channel.
Emily: *Sees TV* What are te watching?
Bob: The classics. Right now, they're playing an episode of Emergency, and the fuoco department has to run around Los Pegasus saving ponies.
Emily: Interesting, but it's almost ten O' clock. Don't te normally sleep at that time of night?
Bob: *sees Clock* Oh, you're right. *Turns off TV* I have almost forgotten.
successivo morning at work
Bob: *Sitting in office*
Boss: *Knocks on door*
Bob: Come in.
Boss: *Enters room*
Bob: Hello sir. What can I do for you?
Boss: First of all, I wanna welcome te back.
Bob: Well, thank you.
Boss: And I also wanna tell you, that Mr. Carlin is no longer going to be here.
Bob: Why not?
Boss: He detto it was because of everypony here, in this town. So he grabbed all his belongings, and moved all the way into Chicagoat.
Bob: Chicagoat? Goats live there, not ponies.
Burt: There's a few ponies that live there. Anyway, Mr. Carlin is gone.
Bob: That's too bad. Sir, I wanna tell te the truth. I was really tired of this job, so that's why I went on the vacation. When I was on there however, this Scottish couple detto they were having problems, and I helped them.
Boss: Good work. Do te think te could get them here?
Bob: Well I don't know. I never did get their number.
Burt & Mildred: *Come up in elevator*
Carol: Excuse me, who are te two?
Burt: Friends with Bob, we'd like to see him.
Carol: Okay.
Burt & Mildred: *Walk into Bob's office* Hello.
Bob: How did te two find me?
Burt: We followed ye'.
Mildred: And we're sure glad we done it too.
Burt: Now we can come to te whenever we need help.
Bob: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
The End
The Bob Newhart Fanfiction - SeanTheHedgehog. Copyright 2014