Author’s Note: This is my sixth installment of skits. My first was regular everyday scenarios (link), then Skilene-themed skits (link), then a set for the villains (link), then a set starring the lemurs (link), then a humanized set (link), and lastly, Dorski-themed skits (link). I now present to my readers, Dave Skits! I had loads of fun with this one and I hope te all enjoy them. da the way, I certainly did not do this as an excuse to make celebrity puns. I’m not sure why te would think that . . .
61) Time is Money [XXVIII]
“I want to thank te for meeting with me, Mr. Miyoshi. Your investment in my research will be greatly appreciated,” Dave—disguised as Dr. Octavius Brine—said from across a scrivania, reception in a fancy office in Osaka.
Mr. Miyoshi smiled. “I respect both the field of science and your work, Dr. Brine. My associates agree that te are a worthy investment. I have faith that te will not disappoint me,” he said, lacing his fingers on his desk. “My intern is bringing the documents to us now.”
“I appreciate that, Mr. Miyoshi,” Dave replied. “I assure you, te will not regret your decision.”
Before he could reply, a high-pitched ringing resounded from Dave’s cell phone, which was tucked in his lab cappotto pocket. He smiled nervously.
“My apologies, Mr. Miyoshi,” he said, pulling out his phone. Mr. Miyoshi held up a hand in dismissal as Dave answered. “Dr. Brine. Oh, hello, Jacob. What can I do for you?” He listened to the response of his octopus henchman, who was in the submarine. “Yes, I detto that I wanted it finished before I returned.” He listened again. “No, I detto that was Julie and Drew’s responsibility.” He listened once more.
“All right,” Dave replied with an irritated sigh. “I’ll be there in less than an hour. Over and out.” He ended the call and put his phone back in his pocket. “I hate to rush this along, Mr. Miyoshi, but there seems to be a mix up back in the lab amongst my employees.”
Mr. Miyoshi nodded. “I understand.” He hit a button on his scrivania, reception phone and told his intern to hurry up in Japanese. He turned back to Dave. “He should be here momentarily, Dr. Brine.”
“That’s fine,“ Dave replied.
A few minuti later, a young Japanese man walked in carrying a manilla folder and gave it to Mr. Miyoshi. They exchanged a few words in Japanese and the man left. Mr. Miyoshi opened the folder and started sifting through the papers. After assuring everything was there, he grabbed a pen and slid the documents toward Dave.
“Just sign wherever te see an X, Dr. Brine,” he detto with a smile. Dave grabbed the pen and started skimming over the documents and signing his name. “Perhaps we can have lunch sometime. I would Amore to hear più details about your work.”
Dave looked up and smiled. “Perhaps, Mr. Miyoshi. Although, I’ve been rather busy lately, so I’m afraid I’ll have to take a rain check,” he replied.
“Oh, that’s fine, Dr. Brine. te have my card if and when te wish to make the appointment,” Mr. Miyoshi said. “I know this excellent Japanese restaurant. They have the best takoyaki I’ve ever tasted.”
Dave looked up and frowned. “Takoyaki?” he repeated. “Isn’t that—?”
“A delicious ball-shaped treat filled with tenkasu, pickled ginger, green onion, and diced octopus,” Mr. Miyoshi detto with a smile. “I know te would absolutely Amore it.”
Dave smiled nervously. “Um, that sounds—nice, Mr. Miyoshi. We’ll see what my schedule looks like,” he said, staring determinedly at the documents he was signing.
Mr. Miyoshi sighed. “I remember the first time I tried takoyaki. I was seven. I fell in Amore with it from the first bite. The texture of the onion, the chewiness of the octopus. I could call the restaurant now, if te want. I’ll tell them to send te fresh takoyaki, on me,” he said, reaching for the phone.
“No!” Dave blurted, startling Mr. Miyoshi as he slapped his hand down on the phone a little harder than he’d intended. “I mean,” he started as he awkwardly retracted his hand, “that won’t be necessary. I’ll be leaving Giappone immediately after we finish business here,” he detto as he signed the last document. “Here te go, Mr. Miyoshi. Pleasure doing business with you,” he said, grabbing his hand and giving it a quick shake before turning on his heel and heading for the door.
“Dr. Brine, wait!” Mr. Miyoshi called. “It would only take a few minuti to deliver it to you,” he detto with a laugh.
Dave stopped at the door. “Thanks, but no thanks. Time is money!” he detto with a forced smile. “Have a wonderful day, Mr. Miyoshi.”
Before Mr. Miyoshi could say anything else, Dave shut the door and hurried down the hallway to the elevators. When he got to the roof and onto his chopper, he sat down and took a deep breath as they took off. An octopus henchman approached him and mumbled in octopus speak, asking him what was wrong.
Dave put his head between his faux knees. “You don’t want to know, Sandra. Oh, I’m gonna be sick.”
62) Tech Savvy [XXIX]
“Neil, Patrick, hair is in the drains again!” Dave called in annoyance to his respective henchmen. “How many times do I have to tell te guys not to play with my wigs!”
Dave rolled his eyes and went to the communications baia and overlooked the work of another group of henchmen.
“Are we almost in?” Dave asked his henchmen. They answered without turning from their work. Dave watched the screens carefully. “Keep working. We need to hack into their system within the ora so I can deliver my message.”
Soon enough, Dave received word that they were ready to place the video call in to North Wind.
“All right, ladies and gentlemen,” Dave said, preparing himself in front of the webcam, “get ready.”
The octopus henchmen stood da as Dave hit a button. They exchanged looks as nothing happened. Dave looked at the controls and put the tip of his arm to his lip in thought. Then he smiled. “Ah!” he said, looking back into the camera as he hit another button, sure that it was the right one. Then he frowned as all the systems shut down and the lights turned off. A few of his henchmen slapped their foreheads.
A henchman came inoltrare, avanti and turned the systems back on. Dave examined his annoyed expression as he explained that they would have to re-hack into the system.
“What?” Dave detto defensively. “Don’t give me that look, Justin! Long have te known that I am not the best with computers.”
63) Irony in the First Degree [XXX]
Dave ceased his anxious pacing when his three henchmen that he’d sent after the penguins entered the room.
“Sarah! Jessica! Parker!” he greeted as he approached them with a smile. “I trust that te successfully recaptured the penguins?”
The three octopuses exchanged looks and studied the ground.
Dave frowned. “Well?” he urged.
Sarah mumbled in octopus speak.
Dave became irritated. “What do te mean, they got away?” he growled.
Jessica responded successivo with a pleading look. The other two nodded in agreement.
“North Wind?” Dave repeated. “Well, that won’t do. That won’t do at all,” he said, putting an arm to his lip in thought. “We’ll have to get the ball rolling on gathering the penguins. Prepare to make contact,” he ordered.
The three octopuses hurried off to carry out Dave’s orders. Dave left to another room where some henchmen were working on his ray.
“Evening, ladies and gentlemen,” he said, looking over their work. “How are things coming along?”
Right on schedule, boss, one of the henchmen answered in octopus speak.
“Excellent,” Dave replied. “These penguins won’t know what hit them. And there’s no one who can stop me!” He erupted into excited evil laughter.
Another octopus henchmen started to giggle and spoke up, also in octopus speak. Guess te could say these penguins aren’t a “flight risk,” eh, boss?
Dave sighed and rolled his eyes. “Courtney, Amore the enthusiasm, but te know I hate puns.”
64) Master of Disguise [XXXI]
Dave looked over the small group of henchmen before him, who were awaiting their first orders.
“All right, ladies and gentlemen,” he started, “first thing’s first. Before we embark on my quest for revenge, I’m going to need a convincing disguise that will fool the gullible humans. James, Patrick, Stuart, te three come assist me in making choices in apparel. The rest of te wait here. You’ll be the ones judging my appearance.”
Dave went into a room with his henchmen and shut the door behind them. The rest of the henchmen waited anxiously while their new boss changed clothes with the assistance of James, Patrick, and Stuart. After a few minutes, they heard his voice from behind the door.
“Okay, here I come!”
The henchmen perked up as the door opened and Dave stepped out wearing—
The speechless octopuses exchanged looks with each other.
“Well, what do te think?” Dave asked, gesturing to himself.
The henchmen exchanged looks again and the one closest to the front was shoved inoltrare, avanti a bit. She gobbled out a quiet response, avoiding eye contact.
Dave looked into the reflective surface of the nearest wall. “Hm,” he mused, “you’re right. Leather makes me look too gangster.”
He turned and went back into the room. The henchmen started sniggering to each other. Who thought dreadlocks would be a good idea? Saying he looked gangster was an insult to gangsters everywhere.
They waited for a little while longer before Dave returned with a new outfit.
“Okay, how ‘bout this one?” he inquired.
The henchmen looked him over and exchanged curious stares. The same henchmen from before spoke up again.
Dave frowned and looked at his reflection again. “Really? They detto that the Asian look would make me appear smarter.”
The henchmen facepalmed and pushed past Dave into the dressing room. Then they pushed James, Patrick, and Stuart out and dragged Dave back into the room. James, Patrick, and Stuart looked at each other and snickered.
In the dressing room, the remaining four henchmen got down to business. Two of them helped Dave out of his ridiculously stereotypical outfit and the other two looked through his wardrobe. They came back with a lab coat, black pantaloni and shoes, and robin’s egg blue-colored rubber gloves. They assisted Dave into the items, and then they pushed him to a bacheca where he could see himself. Dave looked over himself and nodded.
“Okay. Not bad.”
One of the octopuses gobbled a comment.
Dave grinned. “Doctor Octavius Brine. I like the ring of that.” He turned to one of the henchmen. “What about the hair?”
The henchmen dragged him over to the tavolo that had different wigs strowed about it. One henchman put a blonde bowl cut style wig on his head.
The henchmen gave him a quick once-over and shook their heads, taking the wig back. They then tried on a brown flattop style on. They quietly conversed for a moment and decided against it.
Finally, they put on a fiery red wig that covered just the superiore, in alto of his head, parted off-center towards the right. One henchman started to take it off him in rejection, but another stopped him. The four stepped back and looked him over.
“Well?” Dave inquired.
The henchmen exchanged glances and nodded with satisfaction. Dave grinned.
“Fantastic. We are in business gentlemen. Oh, and lady, of course,” he added quickly when he received a glare from the female. Dave looked at his reflection again and frowned. The henchmen inquired what was wrong.
“I domanda my body fat distribution,” Dave answered, putting his faux hands over the gut of his lab coat, where his extra arms were tucked underneath. He turned to the side. “What do te think, Mandy? più booty, o no?”
65) Heated [XXXII]
“It’s very nice to meet te in person, Dr. Brine,” detto Darian Elroy, a wealthy government man living in Washington State, as he shook hands with Dave, who was disguised as as his alter-ego, Octavius Brine. “This is my wife, Mary,” he said, gesturing to a young, tan woman with soft green eyes and voluminous brown hair.
She held up a hand, palm downward. “Charmed,” she detto with a smile.
Dave respectfully took her hand in his. “The pleasure is all mine,” he detto before gently pecking her hand just above the knuckles. She retracted her hand and looped her arm around her husband’s, her smile never wavering.
“I am delighted to have te at my home,” Darian detto as he gestured for him to enter. Dave stepped over the threshold. “I hope te don’t mind. I find this environment much più comfortable than the strenuous atmosphere of my office.”
Dave smiled. “Of course. te have a lovely home, Mr. Elroy,” he complimented.
“Please, call me Darian,” Darian insisted, holding up a hand. “I only invite people into my home whom I respect greatly. Anyone with so much of my respect can overlook formalities.”
“Oh, well, thank te for that, Mr.—excuse me, Darian,” Dave replied as Darian started leading them down a corridor, his wife still attached to his arm.
“I have always had a respect for the field of math and science,” Darian started. “I’m a major supporter of putting più funding into teaching them in schools. My son works at NASA, te know.”
“Oh, really?” Dave detto as they turned into a large sitting room. There were bookshelves on every wall, filled to the superiore, in alto with books. A window to the left looked out onto a beautiful garden, where a few keepers were watering plants and pulling weeds. At the end of the room, a fuoco crackled softly in a fireplace that was in front of a semicircle of furniture consisting of a leather divano and a matching leather poltrona on either side of it, a coffee tavolo in the middle.
“Yes,” Darian answered proudly, “he loves it there, always learning new and mysterious things. Please, sit.” He gestured to the poltrona to the right as he and his wife sat on the couch. “So, before we talk numbers, I’d like to hear più about your research. Genetics, as I understand it?”
“Yes,” Dave replied, crossing his legs and lacing his fingers over his knee. “I’m studying the intricacies of DNA and its genes—more specifically, what genetic markers yield specific traits, such as hair and eye color, facial contours, and body type, to lista a few. Also, other genetic markers that yield unique traits, like antlers on deer o the claws of a lobster. To go further, we also compare genetic markers from più attractive creatures than that of unattractive creatures—based on average societal standards, da the way. We’re compelled to discover what makes one, say, beautiful, o ugly, o . . . cute,” he detto with an underlying bitterness, which he masked with a smile. “That is, on a genetic level. Furthermore, we want to know if these genetic markers can be modified,” he added.
Darian nodded, genuinely intrigued. “How interesting. How close are te to making a breakthrough?” he inquired.
“Oh, I’m coming very close, actually,” Dave replied. “My employees have been working seven days a week—by choice, of course—to not lose a single crucial minute. We’re all very excited to make this revolutionary discovery we’ve been reaching for for quite some time now.”
“I’ll bet,” Darian detto with a chuckle. “You’ve been—”
He was interrupted when his cell phone rang and he gave an apologetic look. “Excuse me, Doctor,” he said, pulling out his phone and checking the screen. “I’m sorry, I have to take this,” he said, getting to his feet. Dave waved a hand in dismissal as he left the room. Mary scooted to the very end of the divano closest to Dave, checking over her shoulder to ensure her husband was gone. She smiled at him.
“So,” she started with a smile, “I’d like to know più about your personal life. Any secret lady friend you’re keeping in the shadows?” she asked.
Dave laughed nervously. “Oh, no. I’ve been much too focused on my research. I don’t want any distractions.”
Mary laughed. “Surely, te must have something to do in your free time. Something to relieve all that . . . tension?”
“Oh, I assure you, Mrs. Elroy, my work is my mistress,” Dave insisted, hoping the conversation would shift.
“Ah,” Mary said, holding up a finger, “what did we say about formalities?” she asked with a grin. Before Dave could reply, she continued. “You know, Octavius,” she started with a lively smile. She lowered her voice. “I have an . . . attraction to men with brains.”
Dave stared for a moment. Then he laughed nervously. “I’m sure Darian is a very smart man,” he said.
Mary rolled her eyes and waved a dismissive hand. “Please, all he talks about is politics, politics. Boring!” she detto under her breath. She leaned on the armrest. “How about we convince Darian to let me take a private tour of your labs, and I’ll give you a private tour, hm?”
Dave thought for a moment and shrugged. “Of what?”
Mary grinned and crossed her legs, placing a hand on her vitello and stroking her thumb against it suggestively. Dave swallowed and shifted uncomfortably.
“Um, Mrs. El—” Mary held up her finger again and Dave nervously corrected himself. “Mary,” he said, finding it difficult to maintain eye contact, “you’re a married woman.”
Mary laughed. “Aren’t te cute? Darian only married me for his image, and I him for the luxury,” she detto with a wink. “I assure te our marriage is very open, dato that things are kept under wraps.”
Dave searched for a response, and then let out a silent sigh of relief when Darian returned.
“I apologize for that, Doctor,” he detto as Mary casually scooted back over, allowing him to take his sede, sedile again. “What are we talking about?” he asked, looking between Dave and his wife.
“Oh, honey,” Mary started, taking his arm, “I was just asking Octavius if I could have a tour of his labs.”
Darian smiled. “Oh? What do te say, Doctor?” he asked, turning to him.
“Um,” Dave started. He looked at Mary, who winked at him while her husband wasn’t paying attention. He swallowed. “Um, actually,” he detto with a nervous smile, “that’s not really a good idea. te see, my employees are very socially awkward oc—uh, I mean, people. Having a . . . distraction . . . around would hinder their progress.”
“Oh, surely, a couple of measly hours won’t do much damage,” Darian replied.
“I—uh . . .” Dave tried to think of something else. “You see, every secondo counts, and, uh, we can’t afford to make any mistakes. te understand.” Before Darian could reply, Dave added, “I also want everything to be a surprise when it’s completed.”
Darian smiled and nodded. “Perhaps some other time, then, darling,” he said, putting his hand over his wife’s. She smiled understandingly until he turned his head away, at which time she looked bittersweetly at Dave, who cleared his throat awkwardly.
“I’m terribly sorry about that,” he said, avoiding eye contact. “Um, I hate to rush things, but I promised my employees I would return soon.”
Darian raised a hand. “Say no more,” he said, reaching into his breast pocket. “How many zeros would be adequate?” he asked, pulling out a checkbook and a pen.
Dave smiled. “This is your generous donation. I’ll let te decide.”
Darian thought for a moment, and then he filled out the check. He pulled off the superiore, in alto check and handed it to Dave.
“How’s that?” he asked. “Say the word and I’ll sign it.”
Dave looked at the check and tried not to react. He looked from Darian to the little slip of paper in his hands.
“Uh, yes, um, that’s . . . very generous of you,” he said, rubbing his jaw awkwardly. “Are te sure you—”
“Absolutely,” Darian replied, reaching over and retrieving the check. “I told te I very much support putting forth funding into science,” he said, signing the check. “I look inoltrare, avanti to seeing how te change the world and the field of science.” He handed the check back.
Dave put the check in the pocket of his lab coat. “Well, I thank te immensely, um, Darian,” he said, getting to his feet. “I should be going now. It was very nice meeting te both.”
Darian and his wife got to their feet.
“You as well,” Darian replied as they started for the door. They stopped at the superiore, in alto of the steps and Darian held out his hand. “I wish te much success, Doctor.”
Dave took his hand and they shook. “Thank you, Darian. te two have a wonderful evening,” he said.
“If te change your mind about that tour, te know where to find us,” Mary detto with a wink.
Dave smiled nervously. “We’ll see,” he said, trying to mask his unease. He turned and tried not to make it obvious that he was hurrying to his limo. He climbed in the back and leaned into the partition window, where he could see his octopus henchmen waiting patiently in the driver’s seat. “Ed, burn some rubber and get me out of here now!”
66) Staff Meeting [XXXIII]
“All right, ladies and gentlemen,” Dave detto as his head henchmen took a place at the circular tavolo with pen and paper handy, Dave himself at the head, “let’s get down to business. Roll call.”
Dave put on his glasses and looked down at his list. “Andrew? Garfield?” He marked his respective henchmen as present. “Janet? Jackson? John? Stewart? Alison? Bri?” All present. “Bradley? Cooper?” He noticed Cooper was absent. He turned to the henchman to his right. “Ellen, page Cooper and tell him he’s supposed to be in the meeting room.” Ellen nodded and left the room. Dave looked back down at his list, which still had one name not checked off. “And . . . I don’t suppose anyone’s seen Waldo? Nobody’s seen him since we got Lost in that crowd in Shanghai two weeks ago.”
The henchmen around the tavolo shrugged and mumbled quietly to each other for a moment, all coming to the conclusion that Waldo was indeed still uncalled for.
“We’ll send a cerca party for him. It can’t be that hard to find him,” Dave detto dismissively, bringing everyone’s focus back to the meeting. “Moving on. Alison, make a few notes for me.” Allison prepared her pen and pencil. “Jay, see to it that the sub’s engine has a full tank before we head to Norway. David, attraversare, croce Rio off our destination list. Nikki, read our manifest and ensure that all of the penguins we’ve gathered so far are accounted for.” Dave nodded. “Be sure those messages are delivered as soon as this meeting ends,” he told Alison, who nodded in response.
Dave turned to the rest of his henchmen around the table. “First order of business. As te all know, our successivo destination will da the Kristiansand Zoo in Norway. I have a clear-cut plan to grab those penguins. Due to the heat wave rolling through Norway, the zookeepers are on red alert to keep the penguins cool. They’ve been pumping seawater from several meters down from the city fjord. While I give my speech just outside the zoo, Deborah Ann will disable the alarm and tamper with the temperature setting. When the penguins hit the water to cool off, Joe, Kevin, and Nick will enter through the pompa and grab the penguins. Deborah Ann will then disable the pompa so they can take the penguins back to the sub. Any questions?”
No one spoke up.
“Fantastic! successivo order of business. Our Russian donor has sent us the check for two point five million dollars. John, mail Kovich a thank te note. Make it formal and extremely grateful. Scott can help te with the wording if te need it.” John nodded and made himself a note.
“Last order of business. I’ve been trying to figure out how to turn the computer back on for three hours. Seriously, none of the buttons say ON. Am I missing something?”
67) Predictable [XXXIV]
Two of Dave’s henchmen giggled to each other as they goofed off a bit. One turned and held up a few of his arms and made a tiny Dave with them.
Back to work! Back to work! he gobbled with a laugh. The other laughed and made his own tiny Dave with the end of his arms.
Penelope, cruise the sub to shore, he gobbled. The other wiped tears from his eye as they became unable to digita themselves.
What is all this laughing? one detto between laughs. All laughing that is not evil is forbidden!
They continued to laugh before they felt a presence behind them. The laughs caught in their throats as they slowly turned to see Dave behind them, staring at them with an indecipherable expression.
They immediately stood upright and stared straight ahead, not daring to meet his eye. They flinched when Dave started to laugh.
“Actually, that was a pretty good impression of me,” he detto commendably.
The two henchmen exchanged a look.
Really? one asked.
Dave frowned. “No,” he replied. “Dwayne, Johnson, get the rocks out of your heads and get back to work.”
68) Oblivious [XXXV]
“Thank you, everyone!” Dave, dressed as Octavius Brine, detto as he started to leave the stage. The crowd erupted and he smugly went backstage, where an intern was waiting with a bottle of water, which he accepted.
“Can I get te anything else, Dr. Brine?” she asked, trailing beside him and trying to hide her enthusiasm.
“No, thank you,” Dave replied before drinking down the entire bottle in one go.
“Do te want me to throw that away for you?” she offered, holding out her hand.
Dave handed her the bottle and she snuck it in her bag while he wasn’t looking. Dave pulled out his cell phone and put a call in to his henchmen on his submarine as he turned into his dressing room. The intern waited at the threshold, as she was assigned to standby for anything the famous Dr. Brine may need.
“Yes, Selena. Gomez is in the command bay. I need to speak to him,” Dave detto as he sat down at his dresser. After a pause, he said, “Hey, I was just calling to check on your progress with our project. I trust that I made the right decision in leaving te in charge during my absence?” A pause. “Good. Let me speak to Terry.” Another pause. “Terry, cruise the submarine to the harbor in Frankfort. I’ll be taking the scenic route back.” Another short pause. “Good. I’ll be there soon.” He hung up the phone and glanced over at the door, where his intern was standing with her mouth hanging open and her eyes wide with shock. “Is . . . something wrong?” he asked hesitantly.
The intern snapped back into reality and shook her head. “I’m—sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop o anything, but . . . I never knew Selena Gomez and Terry Crews worked for you. Since when?”
Dave blinked. “I’m—not sure what you’re talking about. Who?”
The intern cocked an eyebrow. “What do te mean who?” she asked. “You just detto their names.”
Dave knit his brow. “No . . . I spoke to Selena, one of my employees, Gomez, temporary head of project twenty-three, and Terry, my nighttime submarine operator.”
The intern blinked and laughed. “That’s . . . funny. Is that a deliberate thing te do? Call your employees like celebrity names?”
Dave thought for a second. “Um . . . Look, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, getting to his feet. “I think I’ll take a few minuti to be alone, if te don’t mind.” He braced a hand on the door and the intern took a step back out of the threshold.
“But . . . Dr. Brine, I thought—”
“I’m very tired. I’m sorry,” Dave detto as he shut the door.
The intern stood for a moment, flabbergasted. Then she said, “I’ll be out here if te need anything!”
Dave, inside his dressing room, shook the confusion from his head. “Humans sure are weird,” he detto to himself.
Besides, what kind of names were Selena Gomez and Terry Crews, anyway? She obviously had no idea what she was talking about.
69) Blend and Confuse [XXXVI]
“Jack, Nichole’s in position,” Dave detto into his radio as he and his henchmen executed his first kidnapping. “Bring in the chopper!”
Upon command, a chopper appeared above the pinguino exhibit in the Zoo Aquarium de Madrid and let down a rope ladder. Dave and three of his henchmen climbed onto it with the sack of penguins and were carried off. When they climbed into the cockpit, Dave let out a giddy squeal.
“Yes!” he cheered. “We did it! Not bad for our first, if I do say so myself. And I do. Seriously, am I the only one fangirling about this?”
The henchmen put the penguins into cages and locked them shut. Dave slithered over to them.
“Well, let’s see what we have here,” he mused.
“What do te want with us?” one of the penguins asked, hugging another in fear.
“Oh, you’ll soon find out,” Dave replied with an evil grin. “Meanwhile, you’ll spend a great deal of time in my submarine. But don’t worry, you’ll be getting some company very soon.”
The penguins exchanged frightened glances and held each other closer. Dave chuckled and turned to his pilot.
“All right, everyone. After we get these ones to the sub, we head to Paris! I hope te all packed your berets!”
One of the henchmen pulled out a berretto, beret and put it on with joy in his eyes. Dave immediately snatched the hat off his head.
“Not right now, Céline! Do te not know the meaning of inconspicuous? te can’t wear a berretto, beret in Madrid! You’ll draw unwanted attention. We don’t want people seeing our true colors, here.”
70) When In Rome [XXXVII]
Dave squealed like a giddy schoolgirl as he climbed into his chopper. “Yes! We did it!” he cheered. “That worked out way better than I thought it would. Set our course for Venice, gentlemen,” he told the pilots.
He looked out the window down at the vending machine hanging da the magnet, dangling da the cable from the chopper. He grinned with excitement and vengeance burning in his eyes as he rubbed his tentacles together. He turned back to his henchmen.
“Brooke, shields down. I don’t think we have to worry about any complications all the way to Italy,” Dave detto confidently. “Can te imagine what they must be thinking right now? They must be absolutely terrified! Scared out of their little pinguino minds! They have no idea!”
Dave bounced around for a few moments in his excitement. “You guys should’ve seen the looks on their faces! When I pulled them inside the machine! They were priceless! They didn’t even see it coming! And now they’re dangling beneath us, crippled with paralyzing fear! Can te believe it!”
As Dave continued with his gloating, the penguins tried to get their bearings down below.
“Kowalski, analysis,” Skipper ordered in the darkness of the vending machine.
“It appears that we are trapped inside the vending machine and flying over Kentucky, sir,” Kowalski answered. “In other words, we’ve been penguin-napped.”
“Chances of surviving a fall from this height?” Skipper asked.
Kowalski thought for a moment. “After careful calculation . . . carry the two . . . um, none,” he answered finally.
“Well,” Skipper mused, “I guess we’ve got us a waiting game until we arrive at our destination. Options.”
“I suggest we pass the time via Cheezy Dibbles, sir,” Kowalski replied.
“Good call,” Skipper said, followed da the sound of a bag of Dibbles popping open. “I call the Spicy Dibbles!”
Back in the chopper, Dave chuckled wickedly. “They’re totally going out of their minds right now.”
— § —
[XXVIII] Celebrity puns were: Jacob Witkin (Love and Death, 1975; Puppet Master: The Legacy, 2003; The Phantom, 2013), Julie Andrews (Mary Poppins, 1964; The Sound of Music, 1965; Shrek 2, 2004; Despicable Me, 2010), and Sandra Oh (Under the Tuscan Sun, 2003; Sideways, 2004; Grey’s Anatomy, 2005; Hard Candy, 2005).
[XXIX] Celebrity puns were: Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser, M.D., 1989; Starship Troopers, 1997; How I Met Your Mother, 2005; Gone Girl, 2014) and Justin Long (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, 2004; Accepted, 2006; Live Free o Die Hard, 2007; Drag Me to Hell, 2009).
[XXX] Celebrity puns were: Sarah Jessica Parker (Escape from Planet Earth, 2013; Glee, 2012-13) and Courtney Love (The People vs. Larry Flynt, 1996; Kurt & Courtney, 1998; American Pie, 1999; Juno, 2007).
[XXXI] Celebrity puns were: James Patrick Stuart (All My Children, 1970; Pretty Woman, 1990; The Penguins of Madagascar, 2008; It’s Complicated, 2009) and Mandy Moore (The Princess Diaries, 2001; A Walk to Remember, 2002; Saved!, 2004; Tangled, 2010).
[XXXII] Celebrity puns were: Ed Burns (writer and producer for: The Wire, 2002; Generation Kill, 2008) I have no idea where I got the idea for this one. I’m pretty sure my local Psychiatric Hospital has a reservation for me.
[XXXIII] Celebrity puns were: Andrew Garfield (The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, 2009; The Social Network, 2010; The Amazing ragno Man, 2012; The Amazing ragno Man 2, 2014), Janet Jackson (Poetic Justice, 1993; Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, 2000; How High, 2001; Why Did I Get Married Too?, 2010), Jon Stewart (Half Baked, 1998; The Larry Sanders Show, 1996-98; Doogal, 2006; The Beaver, 2011), Alison Brie (Community, 2009; The Five-Year Engagement, 2012; The Lego Movie, 2014; Get Hard, 2015), Bradley Cooper (The A-Team, 2010; Limitless, 2011; Guardians of the Galaxy, 2014; American Sniper, 2014), Ellen Page (Hard Candy, 2005; Juno, 2007; Inception, 2010; X-Men: Days of Future Past, 2014), Jay Z (American rapper, record producer, and entrepreneur—not known for many movies), Allison Mack (Smallville, 2001; The Ant Bully, 2006; Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, 2009; Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, 2009), David Cross (Small Soldiers, 1998; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, 2004; Kung Fu Panda, 2008; Megamind, 2010), Nikki Reed (The Twilight Saga, 2008-12), Deborah Ann Woll (True Blood, 2008; Catch .44, 2011; Ruby Sparks, 2012; Daredevil, 2015), Kevin, Joe, and Nick [Jonas Brothers] (Camp Rock, 2008; Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian, 2009; Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam, 2010; Married to Jonas, 2012), John Malkovich (Dangerous Liaisons, 1988; Being John Malkovich, 1999; Burn After Reading, 2008; Penguins of Madagascar Movie, 2014), and Scott Caan (Gone in Sixty Seconds, 2000; Ocean’s Eleven, 2001; Ocean’s Twelve, 2004; Hawaii Five-0, 2010).
Also, Waldo was a reference to “Where’s Waldo?”, a picture cerca game in which one would find a specific character in a crowd of people. First published in 1987.
[XXXIV] Celebrity puns were: Penélope Cruz (Blow, 2001; Vanilla Sky, 2001; Volver, 2006; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, 2011), and Dwayne Johnson (The scorpione King, 2002; Fast & Furious 6, 2013; G.I. Joe: Retaliation, 2013; San Andreas, 2015). Inspiration from this actually came from the end of Despicable Me, when Gru’s minions were making fun of him. Someone with “rocks in their head” is just someone who has acted foolishly and may o may not be a pun in itself.
[XXXV] Celebrity puns were: Selena Gomez (Another Cenerentola Story, 2008; Monte Carlo, 2011; Spring Breakers, 2012; Hotel Transylvania, 2012) and Terry Crews (Everybody Hates Chris, 2005; Get Smart, 2008; Bridesmaids, 2011; Blended, 2014).
[XXXVI] Celebrity puns were: Jack Nicholson (Batman, 1989; As Good as It Gets, 1997; Anger Management, 2003; The Departed, 2006) and Celine Dion (Canadian singer/songwriter).
[XXXVII] Celebrity puns were: Brooke Shields (The Blue Lagoon, 1980; Endless Love, 1981; Suddenly Susan, 1996; The Midnight Meat Train, 2008)
61) Time is Money [XXVIII]
“I want to thank te for meeting with me, Mr. Miyoshi. Your investment in my research will be greatly appreciated,” Dave—disguised as Dr. Octavius Brine—said from across a scrivania, reception in a fancy office in Osaka.
Mr. Miyoshi smiled. “I respect both the field of science and your work, Dr. Brine. My associates agree that te are a worthy investment. I have faith that te will not disappoint me,” he said, lacing his fingers on his desk. “My intern is bringing the documents to us now.”
“I appreciate that, Mr. Miyoshi,” Dave replied. “I assure you, te will not regret your decision.”
Before he could reply, a high-pitched ringing resounded from Dave’s cell phone, which was tucked in his lab cappotto pocket. He smiled nervously.
“My apologies, Mr. Miyoshi,” he said, pulling out his phone. Mr. Miyoshi held up a hand in dismissal as Dave answered. “Dr. Brine. Oh, hello, Jacob. What can I do for you?” He listened to the response of his octopus henchman, who was in the submarine. “Yes, I detto that I wanted it finished before I returned.” He listened again. “No, I detto that was Julie and Drew’s responsibility.” He listened once more.
“All right,” Dave replied with an irritated sigh. “I’ll be there in less than an hour. Over and out.” He ended the call and put his phone back in his pocket. “I hate to rush this along, Mr. Miyoshi, but there seems to be a mix up back in the lab amongst my employees.”
Mr. Miyoshi nodded. “I understand.” He hit a button on his scrivania, reception phone and told his intern to hurry up in Japanese. He turned back to Dave. “He should be here momentarily, Dr. Brine.”
“That’s fine,“ Dave replied.
A few minuti later, a young Japanese man walked in carrying a manilla folder and gave it to Mr. Miyoshi. They exchanged a few words in Japanese and the man left. Mr. Miyoshi opened the folder and started sifting through the papers. After assuring everything was there, he grabbed a pen and slid the documents toward Dave.
“Just sign wherever te see an X, Dr. Brine,” he detto with a smile. Dave grabbed the pen and started skimming over the documents and signing his name. “Perhaps we can have lunch sometime. I would Amore to hear più details about your work.”
Dave looked up and smiled. “Perhaps, Mr. Miyoshi. Although, I’ve been rather busy lately, so I’m afraid I’ll have to take a rain check,” he replied.
“Oh, that’s fine, Dr. Brine. te have my card if and when te wish to make the appointment,” Mr. Miyoshi said. “I know this excellent Japanese restaurant. They have the best takoyaki I’ve ever tasted.”
Dave looked up and frowned. “Takoyaki?” he repeated. “Isn’t that—?”
“A delicious ball-shaped treat filled with tenkasu, pickled ginger, green onion, and diced octopus,” Mr. Miyoshi detto with a smile. “I know te would absolutely Amore it.”
Dave smiled nervously. “Um, that sounds—nice, Mr. Miyoshi. We’ll see what my schedule looks like,” he said, staring determinedly at the documents he was signing.
Mr. Miyoshi sighed. “I remember the first time I tried takoyaki. I was seven. I fell in Amore with it from the first bite. The texture of the onion, the chewiness of the octopus. I could call the restaurant now, if te want. I’ll tell them to send te fresh takoyaki, on me,” he said, reaching for the phone.
“No!” Dave blurted, startling Mr. Miyoshi as he slapped his hand down on the phone a little harder than he’d intended. “I mean,” he started as he awkwardly retracted his hand, “that won’t be necessary. I’ll be leaving Giappone immediately after we finish business here,” he detto as he signed the last document. “Here te go, Mr. Miyoshi. Pleasure doing business with you,” he said, grabbing his hand and giving it a quick shake before turning on his heel and heading for the door.
“Dr. Brine, wait!” Mr. Miyoshi called. “It would only take a few minuti to deliver it to you,” he detto with a laugh.
Dave stopped at the door. “Thanks, but no thanks. Time is money!” he detto with a forced smile. “Have a wonderful day, Mr. Miyoshi.”
Before Mr. Miyoshi could say anything else, Dave shut the door and hurried down the hallway to the elevators. When he got to the roof and onto his chopper, he sat down and took a deep breath as they took off. An octopus henchman approached him and mumbled in octopus speak, asking him what was wrong.
Dave put his head between his faux knees. “You don’t want to know, Sandra. Oh, I’m gonna be sick.”
62) Tech Savvy [XXIX]
“Neil, Patrick, hair is in the drains again!” Dave called in annoyance to his respective henchmen. “How many times do I have to tell te guys not to play with my wigs!”
Dave rolled his eyes and went to the communications baia and overlooked the work of another group of henchmen.
“Are we almost in?” Dave asked his henchmen. They answered without turning from their work. Dave watched the screens carefully. “Keep working. We need to hack into their system within the ora so I can deliver my message.”
Soon enough, Dave received word that they were ready to place the video call in to North Wind.
“All right, ladies and gentlemen,” Dave said, preparing himself in front of the webcam, “get ready.”
The octopus henchmen stood da as Dave hit a button. They exchanged looks as nothing happened. Dave looked at the controls and put the tip of his arm to his lip in thought. Then he smiled. “Ah!” he said, looking back into the camera as he hit another button, sure that it was the right one. Then he frowned as all the systems shut down and the lights turned off. A few of his henchmen slapped their foreheads.
A henchman came inoltrare, avanti and turned the systems back on. Dave examined his annoyed expression as he explained that they would have to re-hack into the system.
“What?” Dave detto defensively. “Don’t give me that look, Justin! Long have te known that I am not the best with computers.”
63) Irony in the First Degree [XXX]
Dave ceased his anxious pacing when his three henchmen that he’d sent after the penguins entered the room.
“Sarah! Jessica! Parker!” he greeted as he approached them with a smile. “I trust that te successfully recaptured the penguins?”
The three octopuses exchanged looks and studied the ground.
Dave frowned. “Well?” he urged.
Sarah mumbled in octopus speak.
Dave became irritated. “What do te mean, they got away?” he growled.
Jessica responded successivo with a pleading look. The other two nodded in agreement.
“North Wind?” Dave repeated. “Well, that won’t do. That won’t do at all,” he said, putting an arm to his lip in thought. “We’ll have to get the ball rolling on gathering the penguins. Prepare to make contact,” he ordered.
The three octopuses hurried off to carry out Dave’s orders. Dave left to another room where some henchmen were working on his ray.
“Evening, ladies and gentlemen,” he said, looking over their work. “How are things coming along?”
Right on schedule, boss, one of the henchmen answered in octopus speak.
“Excellent,” Dave replied. “These penguins won’t know what hit them. And there’s no one who can stop me!” He erupted into excited evil laughter.
Another octopus henchmen started to giggle and spoke up, also in octopus speak. Guess te could say these penguins aren’t a “flight risk,” eh, boss?
Dave sighed and rolled his eyes. “Courtney, Amore the enthusiasm, but te know I hate puns.”
64) Master of Disguise [XXXI]
Dave looked over the small group of henchmen before him, who were awaiting their first orders.
“All right, ladies and gentlemen,” he started, “first thing’s first. Before we embark on my quest for revenge, I’m going to need a convincing disguise that will fool the gullible humans. James, Patrick, Stuart, te three come assist me in making choices in apparel. The rest of te wait here. You’ll be the ones judging my appearance.”
Dave went into a room with his henchmen and shut the door behind them. The rest of the henchmen waited anxiously while their new boss changed clothes with the assistance of James, Patrick, and Stuart. After a few minutes, they heard his voice from behind the door.
“Okay, here I come!”
The henchmen perked up as the door opened and Dave stepped out wearing—
The speechless octopuses exchanged looks with each other.
“Well, what do te think?” Dave asked, gesturing to himself.
The henchmen exchanged looks again and the one closest to the front was shoved inoltrare, avanti a bit. She gobbled out a quiet response, avoiding eye contact.
Dave looked into the reflective surface of the nearest wall. “Hm,” he mused, “you’re right. Leather makes me look too gangster.”
He turned and went back into the room. The henchmen started sniggering to each other. Who thought dreadlocks would be a good idea? Saying he looked gangster was an insult to gangsters everywhere.
They waited for a little while longer before Dave returned with a new outfit.
“Okay, how ‘bout this one?” he inquired.
The henchmen looked him over and exchanged curious stares. The same henchmen from before spoke up again.
Dave frowned and looked at his reflection again. “Really? They detto that the Asian look would make me appear smarter.”
The henchmen facepalmed and pushed past Dave into the dressing room. Then they pushed James, Patrick, and Stuart out and dragged Dave back into the room. James, Patrick, and Stuart looked at each other and snickered.
In the dressing room, the remaining four henchmen got down to business. Two of them helped Dave out of his ridiculously stereotypical outfit and the other two looked through his wardrobe. They came back with a lab coat, black pantaloni and shoes, and robin’s egg blue-colored rubber gloves. They assisted Dave into the items, and then they pushed him to a bacheca where he could see himself. Dave looked over himself and nodded.
“Okay. Not bad.”
One of the octopuses gobbled a comment.
Dave grinned. “Doctor Octavius Brine. I like the ring of that.” He turned to one of the henchmen. “What about the hair?”
The henchmen dragged him over to the tavolo that had different wigs strowed about it. One henchman put a blonde bowl cut style wig on his head.
The henchmen gave him a quick once-over and shook their heads, taking the wig back. They then tried on a brown flattop style on. They quietly conversed for a moment and decided against it.
Finally, they put on a fiery red wig that covered just the superiore, in alto of his head, parted off-center towards the right. One henchman started to take it off him in rejection, but another stopped him. The four stepped back and looked him over.
“Well?” Dave inquired.
The henchmen exchanged glances and nodded with satisfaction. Dave grinned.
“Fantastic. We are in business gentlemen. Oh, and lady, of course,” he added quickly when he received a glare from the female. Dave looked at his reflection again and frowned. The henchmen inquired what was wrong.
“I domanda my body fat distribution,” Dave answered, putting his faux hands over the gut of his lab coat, where his extra arms were tucked underneath. He turned to the side. “What do te think, Mandy? più booty, o no?”
65) Heated [XXXII]
“It’s very nice to meet te in person, Dr. Brine,” detto Darian Elroy, a wealthy government man living in Washington State, as he shook hands with Dave, who was disguised as as his alter-ego, Octavius Brine. “This is my wife, Mary,” he said, gesturing to a young, tan woman with soft green eyes and voluminous brown hair.
She held up a hand, palm downward. “Charmed,” she detto with a smile.
Dave respectfully took her hand in his. “The pleasure is all mine,” he detto before gently pecking her hand just above the knuckles. She retracted her hand and looped her arm around her husband’s, her smile never wavering.
“I am delighted to have te at my home,” Darian detto as he gestured for him to enter. Dave stepped over the threshold. “I hope te don’t mind. I find this environment much più comfortable than the strenuous atmosphere of my office.”
Dave smiled. “Of course. te have a lovely home, Mr. Elroy,” he complimented.
“Please, call me Darian,” Darian insisted, holding up a hand. “I only invite people into my home whom I respect greatly. Anyone with so much of my respect can overlook formalities.”
“Oh, well, thank te for that, Mr.—excuse me, Darian,” Dave replied as Darian started leading them down a corridor, his wife still attached to his arm.
“I have always had a respect for the field of math and science,” Darian started. “I’m a major supporter of putting più funding into teaching them in schools. My son works at NASA, te know.”
“Oh, really?” Dave detto as they turned into a large sitting room. There were bookshelves on every wall, filled to the superiore, in alto with books. A window to the left looked out onto a beautiful garden, where a few keepers were watering plants and pulling weeds. At the end of the room, a fuoco crackled softly in a fireplace that was in front of a semicircle of furniture consisting of a leather divano and a matching leather poltrona on either side of it, a coffee tavolo in the middle.
“Yes,” Darian answered proudly, “he loves it there, always learning new and mysterious things. Please, sit.” He gestured to the poltrona to the right as he and his wife sat on the couch. “So, before we talk numbers, I’d like to hear più about your research. Genetics, as I understand it?”
“Yes,” Dave replied, crossing his legs and lacing his fingers over his knee. “I’m studying the intricacies of DNA and its genes—more specifically, what genetic markers yield specific traits, such as hair and eye color, facial contours, and body type, to lista a few. Also, other genetic markers that yield unique traits, like antlers on deer o the claws of a lobster. To go further, we also compare genetic markers from più attractive creatures than that of unattractive creatures—based on average societal standards, da the way. We’re compelled to discover what makes one, say, beautiful, o ugly, o . . . cute,” he detto with an underlying bitterness, which he masked with a smile. “That is, on a genetic level. Furthermore, we want to know if these genetic markers can be modified,” he added.
Darian nodded, genuinely intrigued. “How interesting. How close are te to making a breakthrough?” he inquired.
“Oh, I’m coming very close, actually,” Dave replied. “My employees have been working seven days a week—by choice, of course—to not lose a single crucial minute. We’re all very excited to make this revolutionary discovery we’ve been reaching for for quite some time now.”
“I’ll bet,” Darian detto with a chuckle. “You’ve been—”
He was interrupted when his cell phone rang and he gave an apologetic look. “Excuse me, Doctor,” he said, pulling out his phone and checking the screen. “I’m sorry, I have to take this,” he said, getting to his feet. Dave waved a hand in dismissal as he left the room. Mary scooted to the very end of the divano closest to Dave, checking over her shoulder to ensure her husband was gone. She smiled at him.
“So,” she started with a smile, “I’d like to know più about your personal life. Any secret lady friend you’re keeping in the shadows?” she asked.
Dave laughed nervously. “Oh, no. I’ve been much too focused on my research. I don’t want any distractions.”
Mary laughed. “Surely, te must have something to do in your free time. Something to relieve all that . . . tension?”
“Oh, I assure you, Mrs. Elroy, my work is my mistress,” Dave insisted, hoping the conversation would shift.
“Ah,” Mary said, holding up a finger, “what did we say about formalities?” she asked with a grin. Before Dave could reply, she continued. “You know, Octavius,” she started with a lively smile. She lowered her voice. “I have an . . . attraction to men with brains.”
Dave stared for a moment. Then he laughed nervously. “I’m sure Darian is a very smart man,” he said.
Mary rolled her eyes and waved a dismissive hand. “Please, all he talks about is politics, politics. Boring!” she detto under her breath. She leaned on the armrest. “How about we convince Darian to let me take a private tour of your labs, and I’ll give you a private tour, hm?”
Dave thought for a moment and shrugged. “Of what?”
Mary grinned and crossed her legs, placing a hand on her vitello and stroking her thumb against it suggestively. Dave swallowed and shifted uncomfortably.
“Um, Mrs. El—” Mary held up her finger again and Dave nervously corrected himself. “Mary,” he said, finding it difficult to maintain eye contact, “you’re a married woman.”
Mary laughed. “Aren’t te cute? Darian only married me for his image, and I him for the luxury,” she detto with a wink. “I assure te our marriage is very open, dato that things are kept under wraps.”
Dave searched for a response, and then let out a silent sigh of relief when Darian returned.
“I apologize for that, Doctor,” he detto as Mary casually scooted back over, allowing him to take his sede, sedile again. “What are we talking about?” he asked, looking between Dave and his wife.
“Oh, honey,” Mary started, taking his arm, “I was just asking Octavius if I could have a tour of his labs.”
Darian smiled. “Oh? What do te say, Doctor?” he asked, turning to him.
“Um,” Dave started. He looked at Mary, who winked at him while her husband wasn’t paying attention. He swallowed. “Um, actually,” he detto with a nervous smile, “that’s not really a good idea. te see, my employees are very socially awkward oc—uh, I mean, people. Having a . . . distraction . . . around would hinder their progress.”
“Oh, surely, a couple of measly hours won’t do much damage,” Darian replied.
“I—uh . . .” Dave tried to think of something else. “You see, every secondo counts, and, uh, we can’t afford to make any mistakes. te understand.” Before Darian could reply, Dave added, “I also want everything to be a surprise when it’s completed.”
Darian smiled and nodded. “Perhaps some other time, then, darling,” he said, putting his hand over his wife’s. She smiled understandingly until he turned his head away, at which time she looked bittersweetly at Dave, who cleared his throat awkwardly.
“I’m terribly sorry about that,” he said, avoiding eye contact. “Um, I hate to rush things, but I promised my employees I would return soon.”
Darian raised a hand. “Say no more,” he said, reaching into his breast pocket. “How many zeros would be adequate?” he asked, pulling out a checkbook and a pen.
Dave smiled. “This is your generous donation. I’ll let te decide.”
Darian thought for a moment, and then he filled out the check. He pulled off the superiore, in alto check and handed it to Dave.
“How’s that?” he asked. “Say the word and I’ll sign it.”
Dave looked at the check and tried not to react. He looked from Darian to the little slip of paper in his hands.
“Uh, yes, um, that’s . . . very generous of you,” he said, rubbing his jaw awkwardly. “Are te sure you—”
“Absolutely,” Darian replied, reaching over and retrieving the check. “I told te I very much support putting forth funding into science,” he said, signing the check. “I look inoltrare, avanti to seeing how te change the world and the field of science.” He handed the check back.
Dave put the check in the pocket of his lab coat. “Well, I thank te immensely, um, Darian,” he said, getting to his feet. “I should be going now. It was very nice meeting te both.”
Darian and his wife got to their feet.
“You as well,” Darian replied as they started for the door. They stopped at the superiore, in alto of the steps and Darian held out his hand. “I wish te much success, Doctor.”
Dave took his hand and they shook. “Thank you, Darian. te two have a wonderful evening,” he said.
“If te change your mind about that tour, te know where to find us,” Mary detto with a wink.
Dave smiled nervously. “We’ll see,” he said, trying to mask his unease. He turned and tried not to make it obvious that he was hurrying to his limo. He climbed in the back and leaned into the partition window, where he could see his octopus henchmen waiting patiently in the driver’s seat. “Ed, burn some rubber and get me out of here now!”
66) Staff Meeting [XXXIII]
“All right, ladies and gentlemen,” Dave detto as his head henchmen took a place at the circular tavolo with pen and paper handy, Dave himself at the head, “let’s get down to business. Roll call.”
Dave put on his glasses and looked down at his list. “Andrew? Garfield?” He marked his respective henchmen as present. “Janet? Jackson? John? Stewart? Alison? Bri?” All present. “Bradley? Cooper?” He noticed Cooper was absent. He turned to the henchman to his right. “Ellen, page Cooper and tell him he’s supposed to be in the meeting room.” Ellen nodded and left the room. Dave looked back down at his list, which still had one name not checked off. “And . . . I don’t suppose anyone’s seen Waldo? Nobody’s seen him since we got Lost in that crowd in Shanghai two weeks ago.”
The henchmen around the tavolo shrugged and mumbled quietly to each other for a moment, all coming to the conclusion that Waldo was indeed still uncalled for.
“We’ll send a cerca party for him. It can’t be that hard to find him,” Dave detto dismissively, bringing everyone’s focus back to the meeting. “Moving on. Alison, make a few notes for me.” Allison prepared her pen and pencil. “Jay, see to it that the sub’s engine has a full tank before we head to Norway. David, attraversare, croce Rio off our destination list. Nikki, read our manifest and ensure that all of the penguins we’ve gathered so far are accounted for.” Dave nodded. “Be sure those messages are delivered as soon as this meeting ends,” he told Alison, who nodded in response.
Dave turned to the rest of his henchmen around the table. “First order of business. As te all know, our successivo destination will da the Kristiansand Zoo in Norway. I have a clear-cut plan to grab those penguins. Due to the heat wave rolling through Norway, the zookeepers are on red alert to keep the penguins cool. They’ve been pumping seawater from several meters down from the city fjord. While I give my speech just outside the zoo, Deborah Ann will disable the alarm and tamper with the temperature setting. When the penguins hit the water to cool off, Joe, Kevin, and Nick will enter through the pompa and grab the penguins. Deborah Ann will then disable the pompa so they can take the penguins back to the sub. Any questions?”
No one spoke up.
“Fantastic! successivo order of business. Our Russian donor has sent us the check for two point five million dollars. John, mail Kovich a thank te note. Make it formal and extremely grateful. Scott can help te with the wording if te need it.” John nodded and made himself a note.
“Last order of business. I’ve been trying to figure out how to turn the computer back on for three hours. Seriously, none of the buttons say ON. Am I missing something?”
67) Predictable [XXXIV]
Two of Dave’s henchmen giggled to each other as they goofed off a bit. One turned and held up a few of his arms and made a tiny Dave with them.
Back to work! Back to work! he gobbled with a laugh. The other laughed and made his own tiny Dave with the end of his arms.
Penelope, cruise the sub to shore, he gobbled. The other wiped tears from his eye as they became unable to digita themselves.
What is all this laughing? one detto between laughs. All laughing that is not evil is forbidden!
They continued to laugh before they felt a presence behind them. The laughs caught in their throats as they slowly turned to see Dave behind them, staring at them with an indecipherable expression.
They immediately stood upright and stared straight ahead, not daring to meet his eye. They flinched when Dave started to laugh.
“Actually, that was a pretty good impression of me,” he detto commendably.
The two henchmen exchanged a look.
Really? one asked.
Dave frowned. “No,” he replied. “Dwayne, Johnson, get the rocks out of your heads and get back to work.”
68) Oblivious [XXXV]
“Thank you, everyone!” Dave, dressed as Octavius Brine, detto as he started to leave the stage. The crowd erupted and he smugly went backstage, where an intern was waiting with a bottle of water, which he accepted.
“Can I get te anything else, Dr. Brine?” she asked, trailing beside him and trying to hide her enthusiasm.
“No, thank you,” Dave replied before drinking down the entire bottle in one go.
“Do te want me to throw that away for you?” she offered, holding out her hand.
Dave handed her the bottle and she snuck it in her bag while he wasn’t looking. Dave pulled out his cell phone and put a call in to his henchmen on his submarine as he turned into his dressing room. The intern waited at the threshold, as she was assigned to standby for anything the famous Dr. Brine may need.
“Yes, Selena. Gomez is in the command bay. I need to speak to him,” Dave detto as he sat down at his dresser. After a pause, he said, “Hey, I was just calling to check on your progress with our project. I trust that I made the right decision in leaving te in charge during my absence?” A pause. “Good. Let me speak to Terry.” Another pause. “Terry, cruise the submarine to the harbor in Frankfort. I’ll be taking the scenic route back.” Another short pause. “Good. I’ll be there soon.” He hung up the phone and glanced over at the door, where his intern was standing with her mouth hanging open and her eyes wide with shock. “Is . . . something wrong?” he asked hesitantly.
The intern snapped back into reality and shook her head. “I’m—sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop o anything, but . . . I never knew Selena Gomez and Terry Crews worked for you. Since when?”
Dave blinked. “I’m—not sure what you’re talking about. Who?”
The intern cocked an eyebrow. “What do te mean who?” she asked. “You just detto their names.”
Dave knit his brow. “No . . . I spoke to Selena, one of my employees, Gomez, temporary head of project twenty-three, and Terry, my nighttime submarine operator.”
The intern blinked and laughed. “That’s . . . funny. Is that a deliberate thing te do? Call your employees like celebrity names?”
Dave thought for a second. “Um . . . Look, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, getting to his feet. “I think I’ll take a few minuti to be alone, if te don’t mind.” He braced a hand on the door and the intern took a step back out of the threshold.
“But . . . Dr. Brine, I thought—”
“I’m very tired. I’m sorry,” Dave detto as he shut the door.
The intern stood for a moment, flabbergasted. Then she said, “I’ll be out here if te need anything!”
Dave, inside his dressing room, shook the confusion from his head. “Humans sure are weird,” he detto to himself.
Besides, what kind of names were Selena Gomez and Terry Crews, anyway? She obviously had no idea what she was talking about.
69) Blend and Confuse [XXXVI]
“Jack, Nichole’s in position,” Dave detto into his radio as he and his henchmen executed his first kidnapping. “Bring in the chopper!”
Upon command, a chopper appeared above the pinguino exhibit in the Zoo Aquarium de Madrid and let down a rope ladder. Dave and three of his henchmen climbed onto it with the sack of penguins and were carried off. When they climbed into the cockpit, Dave let out a giddy squeal.
“Yes!” he cheered. “We did it! Not bad for our first, if I do say so myself. And I do. Seriously, am I the only one fangirling about this?”
The henchmen put the penguins into cages and locked them shut. Dave slithered over to them.
“Well, let’s see what we have here,” he mused.
“What do te want with us?” one of the penguins asked, hugging another in fear.
“Oh, you’ll soon find out,” Dave replied with an evil grin. “Meanwhile, you’ll spend a great deal of time in my submarine. But don’t worry, you’ll be getting some company very soon.”
The penguins exchanged frightened glances and held each other closer. Dave chuckled and turned to his pilot.
“All right, everyone. After we get these ones to the sub, we head to Paris! I hope te all packed your berets!”
One of the henchmen pulled out a berretto, beret and put it on with joy in his eyes. Dave immediately snatched the hat off his head.
“Not right now, Céline! Do te not know the meaning of inconspicuous? te can’t wear a berretto, beret in Madrid! You’ll draw unwanted attention. We don’t want people seeing our true colors, here.”
70) When In Rome [XXXVII]
Dave squealed like a giddy schoolgirl as he climbed into his chopper. “Yes! We did it!” he cheered. “That worked out way better than I thought it would. Set our course for Venice, gentlemen,” he told the pilots.
He looked out the window down at the vending machine hanging da the magnet, dangling da the cable from the chopper. He grinned with excitement and vengeance burning in his eyes as he rubbed his tentacles together. He turned back to his henchmen.
“Brooke, shields down. I don’t think we have to worry about any complications all the way to Italy,” Dave detto confidently. “Can te imagine what they must be thinking right now? They must be absolutely terrified! Scared out of their little pinguino minds! They have no idea!”
Dave bounced around for a few moments in his excitement. “You guys should’ve seen the looks on their faces! When I pulled them inside the machine! They were priceless! They didn’t even see it coming! And now they’re dangling beneath us, crippled with paralyzing fear! Can te believe it!”
As Dave continued with his gloating, the penguins tried to get their bearings down below.
“Kowalski, analysis,” Skipper ordered in the darkness of the vending machine.
“It appears that we are trapped inside the vending machine and flying over Kentucky, sir,” Kowalski answered. “In other words, we’ve been penguin-napped.”
“Chances of surviving a fall from this height?” Skipper asked.
Kowalski thought for a moment. “After careful calculation . . . carry the two . . . um, none,” he answered finally.
“Well,” Skipper mused, “I guess we’ve got us a waiting game until we arrive at our destination. Options.”
“I suggest we pass the time via Cheezy Dibbles, sir,” Kowalski replied.
“Good call,” Skipper said, followed da the sound of a bag of Dibbles popping open. “I call the Spicy Dibbles!”
Back in the chopper, Dave chuckled wickedly. “They’re totally going out of their minds right now.”
— § —
[XXVIII] Celebrity puns were: Jacob Witkin (Love and Death, 1975; Puppet Master: The Legacy, 2003; The Phantom, 2013), Julie Andrews (Mary Poppins, 1964; The Sound of Music, 1965; Shrek 2, 2004; Despicable Me, 2010), and Sandra Oh (Under the Tuscan Sun, 2003; Sideways, 2004; Grey’s Anatomy, 2005; Hard Candy, 2005).
[XXIX] Celebrity puns were: Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser, M.D., 1989; Starship Troopers, 1997; How I Met Your Mother, 2005; Gone Girl, 2014) and Justin Long (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, 2004; Accepted, 2006; Live Free o Die Hard, 2007; Drag Me to Hell, 2009).
[XXX] Celebrity puns were: Sarah Jessica Parker (Escape from Planet Earth, 2013; Glee, 2012-13) and Courtney Love (The People vs. Larry Flynt, 1996; Kurt & Courtney, 1998; American Pie, 1999; Juno, 2007).
[XXXI] Celebrity puns were: James Patrick Stuart (All My Children, 1970; Pretty Woman, 1990; The Penguins of Madagascar, 2008; It’s Complicated, 2009) and Mandy Moore (The Princess Diaries, 2001; A Walk to Remember, 2002; Saved!, 2004; Tangled, 2010).
[XXXII] Celebrity puns were: Ed Burns (writer and producer for: The Wire, 2002; Generation Kill, 2008) I have no idea where I got the idea for this one. I’m pretty sure my local Psychiatric Hospital has a reservation for me.
[XXXIII] Celebrity puns were: Andrew Garfield (The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, 2009; The Social Network, 2010; The Amazing ragno Man, 2012; The Amazing ragno Man 2, 2014), Janet Jackson (Poetic Justice, 1993; Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, 2000; How High, 2001; Why Did I Get Married Too?, 2010), Jon Stewart (Half Baked, 1998; The Larry Sanders Show, 1996-98; Doogal, 2006; The Beaver, 2011), Alison Brie (Community, 2009; The Five-Year Engagement, 2012; The Lego Movie, 2014; Get Hard, 2015), Bradley Cooper (The A-Team, 2010; Limitless, 2011; Guardians of the Galaxy, 2014; American Sniper, 2014), Ellen Page (Hard Candy, 2005; Juno, 2007; Inception, 2010; X-Men: Days of Future Past, 2014), Jay Z (American rapper, record producer, and entrepreneur—not known for many movies), Allison Mack (Smallville, 2001; The Ant Bully, 2006; Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, 2009; Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, 2009), David Cross (Small Soldiers, 1998; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, 2004; Kung Fu Panda, 2008; Megamind, 2010), Nikki Reed (The Twilight Saga, 2008-12), Deborah Ann Woll (True Blood, 2008; Catch .44, 2011; Ruby Sparks, 2012; Daredevil, 2015), Kevin, Joe, and Nick [Jonas Brothers] (Camp Rock, 2008; Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian, 2009; Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam, 2010; Married to Jonas, 2012), John Malkovich (Dangerous Liaisons, 1988; Being John Malkovich, 1999; Burn After Reading, 2008; Penguins of Madagascar Movie, 2014), and Scott Caan (Gone in Sixty Seconds, 2000; Ocean’s Eleven, 2001; Ocean’s Twelve, 2004; Hawaii Five-0, 2010).
Also, Waldo was a reference to “Where’s Waldo?”, a picture cerca game in which one would find a specific character in a crowd of people. First published in 1987.
[XXXIV] Celebrity puns were: Penélope Cruz (Blow, 2001; Vanilla Sky, 2001; Volver, 2006; Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, 2011), and Dwayne Johnson (The scorpione King, 2002; Fast & Furious 6, 2013; G.I. Joe: Retaliation, 2013; San Andreas, 2015). Inspiration from this actually came from the end of Despicable Me, when Gru’s minions were making fun of him. Someone with “rocks in their head” is just someone who has acted foolishly and may o may not be a pun in itself.
[XXXV] Celebrity puns were: Selena Gomez (Another Cenerentola Story, 2008; Monte Carlo, 2011; Spring Breakers, 2012; Hotel Transylvania, 2012) and Terry Crews (Everybody Hates Chris, 2005; Get Smart, 2008; Bridesmaids, 2011; Blended, 2014).
[XXXVI] Celebrity puns were: Jack Nicholson (Batman, 1989; As Good as It Gets, 1997; Anger Management, 2003; The Departed, 2006) and Celine Dion (Canadian singer/songwriter).
[XXXVII] Celebrity puns were: Brooke Shields (The Blue Lagoon, 1980; Endless Love, 1981; Suddenly Susan, 1996; The Midnight Meat Train, 2008)
