'Last Dance' 

UM… Can this recap just be two pages of exclamation points and question marks?! Or just the entire transcript of the Mama Liars’ wine-drunk sleuthing? (Yeah, we’ll get to that.) I’ve said this a couple times lately, but

, more than any other recent episode, is Classic PLL: A gasp-inducing, pulse-pounding thrill ride, just scary enough that you don’t want to watch it alone.

From the first scene, it was clear this episode would have four

stars: the Mamas! ALL of them. In ONE episode. Can you believe it? In a strange sort of revolving-door series of shots, each Liar-Mama pair has pretty much the same conversation: “Sorry you can’t go to prom, honey.” “Ugh this sucks!” “It’ll be fine. You won’t miss much at commencement either.” “Wait we can’t graduate!?” The consolation prize? They get to have a fake prom in the Hastings’ barn — which, as we know, and as they even admit later, is where this whole “Ali’s missing” thing started in the first place.

The girls try to cheer each other up. “Even if we went to the real prom, who would we hang out with except each other?” True. “We already know that Charles had some twisted thing with formals.” Also true: And so did every other incarnation of “A.” These Liars have really short memories.

Despite the cheering, they’re still not thrilled: As Emily puts it, “Nobody wants to put on a ball gown and get splinters in their butt.” (“It’s not that kind of a barn,” Ashley Marin counters. “It’s that kind of a prom,” Emily says. Looks like she took over from Hanna in the sass department!)

Resigned to Barn Prom ‘15, they try to scrape together dates. Spencer’s got Toby, Ezra offers to go with Aria (who, side note, won that photo contest and the internship in Los Angeles), Caleb bails because he’s going on a mysterious trip with his dad, and Sara turns Emily down because her friends at her “old school” (how many schools could there be in this small town?) have prom the same night. So, if you’re counting: Two guys, four girls. Well, five if we count Ali, who’s fielding shady texts from “A”/Charles: “Better be at prom. It’s our last chance to dance. Come alone.” But we can’t ever count on Ali to stay in one place, can we?

Spencer, for some reason, is trying to make things right between Ali and Lorenzo — who, like Toby, is suspended indefinitely from the police force for obvious reasons (letting your gf steal your ID while unconscious, and being stoned off of pot candy, respectively). I think she only wants to keep him around to look at him… or is that just me? I’m not ready to lose

candy just yet, Lorenzo! Anyway, this was funny: Spencer tries to make excuses for Ali’s sociopathic behavior. “Stealing that key card was stupid and impulsive,” she says. “But she just didn’t think it through!” I’m gonna stop you right there, Lorenzo says: “Ever since I got to Rosewood, I’ve

heard that she’s a master planner and manipulator.” You got that right. Still, it looks like she’s convincing him.

Okay friends: Now it’s getting good. The Mamas sit in the Hastings’ kitchen, where they’ll be “chaperoning” the girls’ “prom” from a short distance. (What could go wrong?) This is where I want to write down every single line the moms say because they were all perfect. Like Mrs. Fields, who was late because she was chatting up both cops on duty outside. When the other Mamas press for dirt, she says, “These aren’t high-ranking officers, so they wouldn’t know anything.” Right. The police department sends the second string to protect the girls who are murder/kidnapping targets/victims every other day. Sounds like Rosewood.

Someone else who’s had it up to here with Rosewood: Veronica Hastings. Lady opens up a bottle of red wine, convinces the other Mamas to partake, and proceeds to get gossip-spewing, fight-stirring drunk. This is Veronica like we have

seen her, and I loooove it! The Mamas hang out on the front porch with their wine, and Veronica’s secrets dribble out as she seethes with rage about the DiLaurentis family. “Lying is like oxygen to them,” she slurs. “Jason didn’t even know he wasn’t Kenneth’s… Oh gosh, I spilled.” Ella quips: “Not enough!” I can’t believe they didn’t know about the Mrs. D/Mr. H affair this whole time, but there it is. (I think only Ashley knows everything, because she’s the one who talks to her child more than once a month.)

Veronica doesn’t stop there. “I can’t even spend time out here without being reminded of that woman,” she says, in a rage: “That’s where the dog dug her up.” Emily’s mom says, “I completely forgot.” PLEASE, Mrs. Fields, please. You

that your daughter’s best friend’s mom was murdered and buried in your daughter’s other best friend’s yard? Oy vey.

The girls, minus Ali, are in the barn, doing absolutely the most realistic thing the show has ever seen them do: They’re sitting on the couch, scrolling through some fake TV-version of Instagram, talking trash. “She’s 85% tequila—and her dress is on backwards.” Lucas took

? Or was he just her driver? This is amazing… until they see a certain familiar face in the background of a picture. Yep: Ali went to prom.

the Liars show up at the freaking prom. Of course. They all look phenomenal—particularly Emily, who is some sort of dark queen, and Aria, who sort of looks like Snow White but I’m digging it. Ali, on the other hand, looks like she’s wearing a figure skating outfit on top with that awful nylon netting.

Also at prom: Creepy Clark, who has been avoiding Aria’s phone calls ever since they saw him at the abandoned doll factory. “You don’t go to school here, Clark,” Aria says. “You’re in college.” But some mean school lady pulls them apart before Aria can finish interrogating him, and she tells Aria she and her pals need to find the exit.

When Ali sees the girls, she’s angry, as expected. “You’re going to scare him away, just like at the arcade,” she whines, then stomps off to continue staring at all the red-caped figures wandering around prom. I don’t know what

high school prom looked like, dear readers, but mine didn’t include any of the following: Caped, masked figures, wrought-iron lanterns by the dozen, stone bridges with moss growing on them, halls of mirrors and even more lanterns, a human-sized hourglass full of sand, just one chaperone. For a town full of abandoned doll factories and one single coffee shop, Rosewood sure has a pretty hefty high school prom budget. (Perhaps they got a loan from the Carimissi Group?)

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