Episode 1 - Pilot
Emmett: [referring to an attractive man at Babylon] "My God, have te ever seen anything più beautiful?"
Ted: "Venice. At sunset."
Emmett: "Fine. te go down the Grand Canal, I'll go down on him."
Michael [voice-over]: "Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you've got to admit, these days it takes real guts to be a Queen in a world full of commoners."
Michael [voice-over]: "Ted's this really smart guy and he's got a really big heart. Only, nobody here is interested in the size of that organ."
Michael: We need to go. We want to eat.
[Brian is receiving oral sex from a guy in the back room of Babylon.]
Brian: I'm just gonna give him my number.
Michael: "What'd te do, write it on your dick?"
Michael: "That was quick."
Ted: "Not when you've had as much practice as he's had."
Brian: "I got bored."
Emmett: "I know, getting your dick sucked can be so tedious."
Brian: "Do te like Special K?"
Justin: "It's okay. I like Cheerios better."
Brian: "I don't mean the kind te eat with bananas."
Brian: [to Justin] "So are te coming o going? o coming and then going? o coming and staying?"
Michael: "This is my friend Emmett. He's staying with me temporarily since the hooker who lived down the hall from him burnt his apartment building down two years ago."
Trick: "Two years is a long time to be temporary."
Michael: "And yet it hasn't interfered with my Amore life... which I suppose says a lot about my Amore life."
Brian: [to Melanie when she asks about Justin] "You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me."
[Brian says that Justin is only 17]
Melanie: "So te and Lindsay each had an infant tonight."
Brian: "Mine doesn't suck on my tits... unless I want him to."
Brian [to Justin]: "Pop quiz, no talking. Here's your question. Multiple choice. Do te want to come home with me? A, yes. B, yes. o C, yes. Tick tick tick! Time's up, pencils down. What do te say?"
Michael: "None of the above. He's going home."
Justin: "I'm going with him."
Brian: "Good boy. te get an A+."
Emmett: "Poor baby. Well I have just the thing. A new porn video. [Runs to get the video] It all takes place in a prisoner of war camp. Hot, horny men starved for action."
Michael: "I can relate to that."
[Emmett hands over the video to Michael.]
Emmett: "Guaranteed to make your private stand up and salute."
[Michael walks in on Justin and Brian]
Michael: "Christ! Didn't te get enough last night?"
Brian: "There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast."
Brian: "Here we are sonny boy."
Michael: "Be sure to come home right after school."
Brian: "No lingering on the playground o in the locker room with the gym teacher."
Michael: "Oh te did not tell him about that!"
Brian: "It's the most famous doccia scene since Psycho."
Justin's schoolmate: [passes, screams at Justin] "Hey Justin, wanna suck me off?"
Brian: "No!" [Gets down from his jeep] "But I'll kick your tight little virgin culo so hard te won't sit down for a week!"
Daphne: "Where have te been? Your mom called. I didn't know what to tell her. I detto te were still asleep."
Justin: "I just saw the face of God."
Justin: "His name is Brian Kinney."
Episode 2 - Queer, There and Everywhere
Emmett: "So, uh, who's he look like?"
Michael: "Well he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and Lindsay's nose."
Ted: "If he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble."
Michael [voice-over]: "Remember that story we all read in high school, te know the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? Plato o whoever? All they could see were shadows on a bacheca so after a while they started thinking that was reality. Well, in a way that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real. That no one's really there, that they're only... shadows. Then again, who ever got anal warts in a chatroom?"
Brian: [to Michael about Tracy having feelings for him] "You could have told her the truth instead of recitazione like a scared little faggot. te should have just said, "I take it up the culo sweetheart, deal with it."
Brian: "There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: the ones that hate te to your face, and the ones that hate te behind your back."
Debbie: "So, te going out cruising after te drop me off?"
Michael: "No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy."
Debbie: "Woo! Sounds hot!"
Brian: [to Justin about their "fuck"] "Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. te get in and out with the maximum of pleasure and minimum of bullshit. Amore is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. And then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what te want, then go find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married."
Episode 3 - No Bris, No Shirt, No Service
Michael: "I wished for a moment that I too could be a lesbian. But then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I detto forget it!"
Brian: "Christ. He'll probably grow up to be straight."
Michael: "All the più reason he needs his Dad!"
Emmett: "I read that for every thirty pounds te lose, te gain an entire inch of cock."
Episode 4 - Ted's Not Dead
Ted's mother: "Loving someone's not the same as knowing them."
Debbie: "I've always said, it isn't who te love, it's how te love. Genitalia is simply God's way of accessorizing."
Ted: "I saw you... fucking. When I woke up. I thought I'm in Hell and this is my punishment. Watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity."
Brian: "You should be so lucky."
Episode 5 - Now Approaching... The Line
Justin: "I like dick. I want to get fucked da dick. I want to suck dick. I like sucking dick. And I'm good at it, too." [/b]
Michael: "Who's leading her on? We're counting cartons of toilet paper."
Brian: "Yeah, which te can use because you're so full of shit."
Michael: "You ever been on a real date?"
Brian: "Once. I ended up fucking the waiter."
Episode 6 - The Art of Desperation
Brian: I tune out self-pity, it makes my dick soft. And we wouldn't want that... would we?
Ted: "Roger and I have decided to get to know each other before we have sex."
Brian: "What do te think te are, lesbians?"
Justin: "What are te doing? She thinks you're a lesbian."
Daphne: "Well, can't I be one of the cool people, too?"
Brian: "Fuck groups."
Lindsay: "I thought te did."
Episode 7 - Smells Like Codependence
Emmett: [expecting David] "Ohhhh! That must be Prince Charming!" [Brian walks in] "Make that the Wicked Witch."
Michael: "I just don't know what te do for a whole weekend."
Emmett: "Well, let's see, first te arrive."
Ted: "Then te fuck."
Emmett: "Then te unpack."
Ted: "Then te fuck."
Emmett: "And then te go berry-picking."
Ted: "Then te fuck."
Michael: "I mean after te fuck!"
Emmett: "You talk. te get to know each other."
Justin: "If te want to hit me, go right ahead. Only I'm not gonna cry like some little faggot. And if te want to send me away, that's all right too. 'Cause I bet più butt-fucking goes on in boarding school than in the backroom of Babylon. But whatever te do, it's not gonna matter. 'Cause I'll still be your queer son."
Episode 8 - Babylon Boomerang
Justin: "I'm turning 18 soon. That means I can vote, get married, and unisciti the army."
Emmett: "Hopefully not in the same day."
Craig: "I am not gonna be humiliated da a bunch of..."
Jennifer: "Fags? I got news for you, big man. te already have been."
Brian: "You're not crying, are you?"
Justin: "I'm not some little faggot."
Brian: "No, you're not. You're pretty Ribelle - The Brave actually."
Ted: "I could fix te up with my sister. Only she looks like me in a dress."
Vic: "AMC has a Joan Crawford festival all week.
Debbie: "Nobody is that gay."
[About Craig's rules for Justin staying in the house]
Brian: "So in other words, for Justin to live here with te he has to deny who he is, what he thinks, and how he feels?"
Craig: "No one asked for your opinion, pal."
Brian: "Well, that's not love. That's hate."
Episode 9 - Daddy Dearest (Sonny Boy)
Melanie [to a nurse]: "Listen to me. I stay up half the night worrying that he will grow up to be happy, and healthy, and loved. So don't te dare tell me I have no right to be with him. te officious, homophobic cunt!"
Brian: "He eats with straight people?"
Ted: "Ick. te never know where their hands have been."
Emmett: "Drop to your knees, pussy boy."
Episode 10 - Queens of The Road
Brian: "This is not the White House! George Washington never slept here!"
Justin: "He's the only one who hasn't."
Mysterious Marilyn: "God writes the script, sweetie. I just say the lines."
Episode 11 - Surprise!
Ted: "I'm 33, what does that make me?"
Brian: "Did te guys hear something? A voice from the dead?"
Emmett: "I need to go into a phone booth and jerk off."
Vic: "Promiscuous is anyone having più sex than you."
Emmett: "I thought I was being safe... careful."
Vic: "Sex isn't careful. If it is you're doing it wrong. It's messy and it's human."
Ted: "So, listen. I know there's this part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved" —
Michael: "What are te talkin' about?"
Ted: "Let me finish. So we fall in Amore with someone we know we can't have and who's never gonna loves us, and we fantasize about the giorno when all of a sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing. te know, and all our dreams come true... only, that giorno never comes, and before te know it, it's your fortieth birthday, it's your fiftieth birthday and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you, Michael. Amore someone for real, someone who loves you."
Episode 12 - sposta It o Lose It
Michael: "Captain Astro uses his magical fisting power!"
Emmett: "Quit it! It's too early for fisting!"
Michael: "No, it is never too early for fisting!"
Matt: "I'm Matt."
Emmett: "Course te are. You're always Matt, o Scott, o Todd, o some other wonderful one-syllable name."
Matt: "I'd offer to buy te a drink, but something tells me te don't need another."
Emmett: "Something tells me te might be right! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home; it's always nicer to vomit in your own toilet."
Michael: "I told her I was an out and proud homosexual and if she didn't like it, she can suck my dick."
Michael [to Tracy]: "When te spend your entire life keeping it a secret, who te really are, te learn to stop trusting people and it becomes secondo nature."
Episode 13 - Very Stupid People
Ted [to Emmett]: "What's the matter with you?"
Brian: "He's got razor burn on his balls."
Brian: "Don't tell me no one's ever had a Big O at the Big Q?"
Michael: "I wouldn't know."
Brian: "Well, I would. First-hand. And I mean first-hand experience."
Michael: "Are te saying..."
Brian: "Remember last Natale when I came to pick te up and te were setting up for Santa's Workshop?"
Michael: "Not Santa. Don't tell me te fucked Santa!"
Brian: "Even I wouldn't do that. I'm not into fat. His elf!"
Michael: "You didn't."
Brian: "What he lacked for in feet he made up for in inches."
Episode 14 - A Change of cuore
Heather: [telling the story of her first time] "One night it just happened. We made Amore on the 18th green. God, I still remember that hole."
Brian: "Homophobic corporate America wins again."
Melanie: "Oh, please. te can hang a sign on your office door saying 'Blow Jobs 10 cents' and you'd still have it better than any woman and person of color, because guess what? You're a white man which still counts for something in this country."
Ted: "Just my luck, lesbiche find me irresistible."
Brian: "Jesus, it smells like a dirty jockstrap."
Melanie: "In that case, te should like it."
Justin: "He's majorly hung."
Brian: "And for once he's not talking about my cock."
Debbie: "A leopard can't change its stripes... and neither can a queer!"
Ted: [about Emmett trying to turn straight] "I think God appreciates it even more. Because he created te in his image. At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is Amore and God doesn't make mistakes, then te must be exactly the way he wants te to be, the way he intended te to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all His, Emmett. He loves us all."
Emmett: "I told them "some of us are meant to eat pussy and some of us are meant to suck cock." But either way - God loves us."
Episode 15 - The Ties That Bind
Debbie: "Do te even know what a Huggie is?"
Michael: "Here's a hint, it's not a sexual position."
Michael: "If God wanted me to be on ice, he would have made me a vodka martini."
Episode 16 - French Fried
Justin: (about coffee) "And it still causes high blood pressure, cuore attack, poor sexual performance."
Brian: "Haven't had any complaints."
Justin: "Fortunately, I have youth on my side. I can stay up all night fucking and still score 1500 on my SATs."
Justin: "Well listen up now that your hearing has returned. This queer says fuck you!"
Brian: "Once this straight football jock picked me up and dunked my head in the toilet."
Justin: "What did te do?"
Brian: "I followed him to his locker. It was open, his hand was up, like this. He was laughing so I slammed the door so hard it broke three of his fingers. And that was the end of the season for him."
Brian: "Can we sleep already?"
Justin: "I need your expertise."
Brian: [lying on superiore, in alto of him, naked] "I think I've dato te plenty..."
Brian: "You're the client; have a seat, Mr. Taylor."
Justin: [kicks him] "What's so funny?"
Brian: "That's just how I imagine all my clients, I picture them naked."
Episode 17 - Solution (How TLFKAM Got Her Name Back)
Debbie: "Well, I hate it when couples make out in front of you!"
Brian: "It's French. We're frenching."
Michael: "You're so anal."
David: "Lucky for you."
Justin's Principal: "Mrs. Taylor, there are più important lessons to be taught here."
Jennifer: "Than tolerance?"
Lindsay: "Do te still Amore me?"
Mel: "I never stopped."
Episode 18 - Surprise Kill
Brian: "And I thought I was finally rid of you."
Justin: "Not until I say so!"
Ted: "Jesus, he's still cute."
Emmett: "You say that about all the boys who put te in a coma."
Michael: "I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience o remorse!"
Brian: "Sorry, that position has already been filled."
Episode 19 - Good Grief!
Brian: "I need coffee."
Ted: "Someone was up fucking 'til the wee hours."
Justin: "Was he cuter than me?"
Michael: "Jesus, Brian, your dad just died. How can te think about getting your dick sucked?"
Brian: "This is my grief counselling."
Emmett: "She wants te to fuck her?!"
Ted: "Gay men and straight girls sleeping together, isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?"
Brian: "If te don't earn respect when you're alive, te don't deserve it when you're dead."
Episode 20 - The King of Babylon
Emmett: "Hooray! Only... it's starting to feel perilously like a couples night, seeing as I'm the only single boy left."
Brian: "Excuse me? What the fuck do te think I am?!"
Justin: [rushes over and grabs Brian's arm before anyone can reply] "Are we going to Babylon?"
Michael: "Those jeans are all worn and too tight... How come I haven't seen te in them before?"
David: "I only wear them when I don't have any clean clothes."
Michael: "Well, te must stop doing laundry immediately."
Episode 21 - Running to Stand Still
Justin: "This is disgusting. Really sick!"
Brian: "Are te looking at those hetero porn sites again?"
Episode 22 - Full cerchio
Brian: "What is this?"
Ted: "Your official membership to the Dead Faggots' Society."
Brian: "Who are you, the fucking founding father?"
Brian: "Yeah, that's just what I need, to be in a dance with a bunch of fucking 18-year-olds."
Justin: "I thought te liked fucking 18-year-olds."
Ted: "Flannel. Isn't that lesbian lingerie?"
Brian: "We gave them a prom they'll never forget."
Justin: "Me neither. It's the best night of my life."
Brian: "Even if it was ridiculously romantic."