The Shit List
(Taken from email@example.com)
**The Ghost Shit**
-The kind where te feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
**The Clean Shit**
-The kind where te feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
**The Wet Shit**
-You wipe your culo fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So te end up putting toilet paper between your culo and your underwear so te don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
**The secondo Wave Shit**
-This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and te suddenly realize te have to shit some more.
**The Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Shit**
-Also known as "Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit". te have to strain so much to get it out that te turn purple and practically have a stroke.
**The mais Shit**
-No explanation necessary.
**The lincoln Log Shit**
-The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
**The Notorious Drinker Shit**
-The kind of shit te have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after te flush.
**The "Gee, I Really Wish I Could Shit" Shit**
-The kind where te want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all te can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
**The Wet Cheeks Shit**
-Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your culo so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
**The Liquid Shit**
-That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
**The Mexican Cibo Shit**
-A class all on its own.
**The Crowd Pleaser**
-This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that te have to mostra it to someone before flushing.
**The Mood Enhancer**
-This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing te to be your old self again.
-This shit occurs at the same time each giorno and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
**The guinness Book Of Records Shit**
-A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
**The Aftershock Shit**
-This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the successivo seven hours is affected.
**The "Honeymoon's Over" Shit**
-This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
-A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
-Characterized da its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
-A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking o bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
**The Phantom Shit**
-This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
**The Peek-A-Boo Shit**
-Now te see it, now te don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
-A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking o a root canal) o te are nowhere near shitting facilities.
**The Snake Charmer**
-A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
**The Olympic Shit**
-This shit occurs exactly one ora prior to the start of any competitive event in which te are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
**The Back-To-Nature Shit**
-This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods o while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
**The Pebbles-From-Heaven Shit**
-An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when te actually can't shit.
-Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
-Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
**Energizer Vs. Duracell Shit**
-Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
**The Power Dump Shit**
-The kind that comes out so fast, te barely get your pants down when you're done.
**The Liquid Plumber Shit**
-This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the consigli from the lincoln Log Shit.)
**The Spinal Tap Shit**
-The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
**The "I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Asshole" Shit**
-Similar to the lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy birra can. Vacuous air spazio remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
**The porridge Shit**
-The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. te have two choices: a) flush and keep going, o b) risk it piling up to your butt while te sit there helpless.
**The "I'm Going To Chew My Cibo Better" Shit**
-When the bag of Doritos te ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
**The "I Think I'm Turning Into A Bunny" Shit**
-When te drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
**The "What The Hell Died In Here?" Shit**
-Also sometimes referred to as "The Toxic Dump". Of course te don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, te stand innocently near the door and enjoy the mostra as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
**The "I Just Know There's A Turd Still Dangling There" Shit**
-Where te just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if te wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.