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posted by McDreamyluva
Here's the famous 'Best Divorce Letter' da Dan to Connie, pretty hilarious, definitely a must read! xD



Dear Connie,

I know the counselor detto we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The giorno te left, I swore I'd never talk to te again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always te who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first sposta as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my cuore says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for te in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."

Two weeks fa I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like te wouldn't believe and culo that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?

As I sat on the divano being blown da this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but te see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better cuore than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique o her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because te weren't there to watch. Do te know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do te remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped da last week with a pan of lasagna. She detto she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the successivo thing te know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, te know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight o her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday your sister drops da with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's dato me lots of good consigli about te and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as te and all I can do is think of how much she looks like te when te were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured te about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do te see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your cuore te must know it. Don't te think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If te feel the same please please please, let me know.

Otherwise, can te let me know where the f***ing remote is?

Amore Dan





link the link to the actual letter.
50 Fun things to do in a Grocery Store

1. Ask the produce manager if he happens to have any fresh Oompah Loompah fruit.

2. While holding a cantaloupe directly in front of your chest, squeeze it and smile dreamily.

3. Every time te turn the corner with your shopping cart, shout “Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!”

4. Go up to the manager and tell him o her that you’ve Lost your mommy.

5. While waiting in line at the checkout, juggle some lemons.

6. Tiptoe stealthily up and down the aisles – and around corners – with a magnifying glass.

7. While scratching frantically, ask the manager if he o she has anything...
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Ways to annoy people in Wal-Mart



Hilarious Ways to be annoying!















"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the Frozen Cibo doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps te out.
Add really funny things to other peoples’ carts and watch them pay for it and see if they notice.
Around Natale time, start caroling. Ask for money from the listeners.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Ask if te can buy a shopping cart.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Ask Someone if they know were they sell little babies!...
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posted by Shelly_McShelly
Welcome to The Weakest Link.

Here is a very simple little test comprised of four domande to determine the level of your intellect. Your risposte must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating o wasting time.

And NO CHEATING. On your mark, set....GO!!!

1: te are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in secondo place.
In which position are te now?

Answer:

If te answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. te overtook the secondo runner and took their place, therefore you're coming second.

For the successivo domanda try not to be so dumb.

2 : If te overtake the last...
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posted by KitKitty12
(A/N) there is gayness, cussing, and sex


~Jason's POV~

I had just woke up tomorrow is Pax and im really excited.

I pulled off the covers and swung my legs over the side of the letto and stood up.

I'm going to Pax with Sky, Dawn, Husky, Jerome, And Deadlox, i was excited i'd never actually met them and tomorrow i would.

I grabbed a pair of clothes and a towel and hopped into the doccia blasting my outro song Eclipse.

Five to ten minuti later i climbed out and pulled my clothes on and brushed my hair out.

"Daily routine..done" I muttered to myself staring at the mirror.

My phone rang, i quickly grabbed...
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I'm bored, so I thought I'd share with te a few websites online that te can design characters! te all probably have either created characters, like for fanfictions, stories, o just in your mind, and here are some websites where te can design their appearance! o te could always make yourself and use it as a snazzy avatar/profile pic, o make characters from books/movies/etc. that already exist! There are tons of websites out there, these are just a few.
link
This website is da far the best superhero generator I've found. Basically te use it to make your dream superhero!!! (I use it to...
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added by missracoon
Source: ???
posted by ilovepenguins
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes da waving it and
saying, “Quite right, old bean!”
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t
wear it out!”
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow....
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posted by DramaQueen1020
Sad Stories About AIDS


I found these stories online. These are true stories.

I used to know Josephat and his lovely family of a wife, 2 daughters and a son. He used to live in a town 1,000Km from the city. The town is on the Tanzania Zambia border. He used to come to the city many times during the anno on his pickup furgone, van but when I did not see him for over a anno I inquired from his cousin. The cousin informed me that he had a motor accident on the Dar es Salaam Zambia Highway. He died on the spot. That was 6 years ago. I had forgotten about him and family till yesterday when I met his cousin...
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added by OmegaLeader
posted by someone_save_me
These are just some, più will probably be added later.

I hate:
-Animal abusers
-Child abusers
-Butthurt moralfags (If te get mad at me saying moralfags, well then, te must be new here. I'm not homophobic.)
-3/4 the mainstream crap on the radio
-Jersey Shore
-Homophobes
-People who don't thank te when te open a door for them
-Toddlers and Tiaras
-People who are always snooPING AS usual I see. /shot so fuckin' hard
-Fuckers who judge people da their appearance
-When my computer breaks down
-Fangirls who get mad at if te aren't borderline insanely obsessed with the same thing they are (Go on the Michael...
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posted by NatalieSunshine
1.Run with her on the beach.
2.Give her your sweater when she’s cold.
3.Never talk about other girls infront of her.
4.Learn to play the chitarra for her.
5.Comfort her when she’s scared.
6.Watch the sunset with her.
7.If she can’t sleep read her a bedtime story.
8.If te get in a fight with her and she starts crying,just stop and hold her.
9.Never force her to do anything.
10.Call her beautifull,especially when she least expects it.
11.Never let her walk alone.
12.Play with her hair when she’s laying on your chest.
13.Always make the first move.
14.Never lie to her she’ll find out.
15.Kiss her when...
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added by Rodz
Source: desktopnexus
added by SummerThunder
Source: Martz90
added by BellaMetallica
added by adultswimperson
Source: Google
posted by My8thUsername
A/N:Okay, I have seen a lot of these around, so I decided to look through through all of them an make my own lista of superiore, in alto Five 'Roses Are Red' Poems. Just cause I wanted to. Basically, everything I do is 'just cause I want to'. Except homework.

5.A/N:Best disclaimer EVER! Well, one of them...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me no own
So te no sue

4."Roses are red, violets are blue."
That's what they say, but it just isn't true.
Roses are red, and apples are too,
But violets are violet. Violets aren't blue.
An arancia, arancio is orange, but Greenland's not green
And pinkies aren't pink. So what does it mean?...
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added by Rodz
Source: photobucket
posted by i_luv_angst
65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin plant gardens.

60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Wisconsin sunbathe.

50 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.

40 above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above Zero
People in Miami all die.
Wisconsinites close the windows.

Zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico...
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posted by EmzLovesCheryl
Hey, this is my piece for my drama exam, without the stage directions. I started Scrivere it out on here as a way of learning it, then I thought, why no post it? I may as well, it's going to do no harm. :D
So here it is, its rather depressing though. So if te don't need to be depressed right now, then I suggest te don't read it. :)




[Give me a break. You’re going to go back to your Friends and either forget all about us o tell a story about the hideous freak te met tonight. te don’t know me, if te did, you’d never think we’d be friends. I don’t have Friends - except my brother....
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added by 050801090907