Reign recap: 'The Shakedown' 

How do you solve a problem like King Darnley? The guy immediately makes good on his promise to drink and sleep his way through Scotland. As if his debauchery isn’t bad enough, Mary discovers her husband has sunk to a new low: He’s been stealing money from Scotland’s emergency disaster fund. It would mainly just be annoying if, you know, there weren’t some kind of emergency disaster happening in Scotland, like, say, an earthquake.

That’s right, you guys, Scotland is all shook up. Things are bad for the people there, and Mary’s ability to lead is fully on display. If she’s unable to provide for her ailing country, her people will turn on her. If she has to go beg the privy council for money to bail her out, she’s showing the most influential men in her country that she has a weakness. She only has one option: Mary needs to find her louse of a husband and get her money back.

Darnley’s been banished to his family’s estate so as not to cause trouble for Mary at court. He’s home getting drunk and making out with blondes while sitting next to a giant chest of gold, as one does. Oh, he’ll give Mary that money in order to help the people of Scotland, he’s no monster. But in return, he wants to be allowed back at court — he’s no angel either.

Mary has a pow-wow with Team Good Hair. No one, especially Bothwell, is happy about Darnley’s return, but they all know Mary needs that money. Mary isn’t dumb enough to trust that Darnley will keep good on his quid pro quo, so she hatches a plan. They’ll throw a welcome back party for Darnley (“roast pig seems appropriate,” says Greer), and while he and his king’s guard are living it up at the castle, Mary and Bothwell will head to Darnley’s house, take the money, and put it safely in a church fund where Darnley can’t touch it.

At the great feast, Darnley hams it up for his adoring fans. He praises Scotland, he makes out with Mary, and does generally slimy things that disgust the Queen of Scots and give Bothwell a good excuse to get up from the table in anger and set the plan in motion. Only, when Mary and Lord Ponytail arrive at the Lennox estate, that chest of gold is now half empty. Darnley’s been spending that money at an alarming rate. Also alarming? Back at the party, Darnley catches on to the fact that Mary and Bothwell have been gone a while, even though there are heaps of important people milling about the castle — Mary would never leave important political figures unattended unless there was something important going on. Greer and Rizzio, though they be but pretty people, are terrible at stalling. Before long, Darnley’s on his way.

The sound of the king’s guard alert Mary and Bothwell, and he sends her off with the little money they found, volunteering to stay behind and deal with Darnley. Well, dealing with Darnley means revealing his true feelings for Mary and then getting the crap kicked out of him. It looks like it hurts…a lot.

Darnley returns and tosses Lord Ponytail in jail. Mary’s had enough of her husband’s shenanigans. She and Rizzio have worked out that the money is so depleted because he’s been buying property and using it to court some of Mary’s nobles who have some type of beef with the queen. He is actively working against his wife to bolster his own power. Mary’s got no time for that. She confronts him, they say terrible things to one another, and thanks to Mary’s reaction to his treatment of Bothwell, Darnley is now hip to the fact that Mary is in

Mary, now fully aware of how strong her feelings for Bothwell are, goes to visit him in prison. Even with a pummeled face, this guy is handsome! He’s also very doom and gloom: Darnley will always be a threat to Mary’s reign. They need to take him out. Mary’s not ready to order the murder of her husband…yet. Also, they hold hands! Talking about possible murder has never been so adorable!

Something tells me Mary might be singing a different tune about who she will and will not murder very soon. She knows Darnley is making friends with many of her enemies, but she doesn’t yet know that Darnley’s newest BFF is one Sir John Knox. Oh, it is so on, Darnley.

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