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Riku114 detto …
I hate dealing with trauma ngl, a lot of the time it is waaaaayyy easier to sit behind long establish disconnect from shitty experiences and let it fester until it ruins your life than it is to actually go through the hell of re-experiencing and facing the reality of shit. postato un mese fa
2ntyOnePilots commentato…
^ un mese fa
J_E_T commentato…
Trauma ghiandaia, jay and riku are stronger than te think fuck off and stop trying te bitch. un mese fa
Riku114 detto …
Being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things. te may be surrounded da others, but do te truly consider any of those people your friend?  postato ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I am honestly glad to be a mental health guru and wizard for a lot of people and it makes me happy to be able to help as many people as I do. It makes me really happy and honestly its one of the things that helps keep me grounded to the world and thus I almost actively seek it out at this point.

But honestly, sometimes I wish I had someone who could be a mental health guru / wizard for me at times. Often times I know if I were to talk about my problems, they'd either go ignored postato ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
o few would be able to say anything to help o assist o comfort me. I've kinda grown painfully aware that for a lot of this, I am kind of out here on my own figuring out how to make things work, and even within therapists and psychiatrists, few do much help as much as discussion and mutual planning at this point. ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I am not upset da any means that the amount I put out to people to help them and what I receive back are not equal, to be honest thats just the way it is with rare and kinda severe mental health issues and I've grown used to and accept it. To be honest, if anything, it is one of the reasons I want to reach out and help people as much as I can ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I figure if I have to go through all the work of figuring out how to maneuver therapy, recovery, mental health, and all that with little people to guide me o help me, I can at least use my struggle and the knowledge I got from it to leave a pane crumb for others to follow ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Admittedly, I really don't know half of what I am doing o if I am doing it right when it comes to my mental health, and I just go off of what seems best with the infomration I have at hand and its done me well, but if I could one giorno figure a way to a good life and if I could leave that pane crumb trail I took to get there for people to follow, then I suppose at least in a way that my struggle was actually worth it ·3 mesi fa
LuceOfTheLight detto …
I would like to say that I am da no means planning to hide the fact that I am an alter of Riku's as much as I would prefer to be treated and respected as an individual.

With that being said, Riku and myself have a stern policy that anything that one alter does reflects on the whole system. If Riku causes problems, then it is both her and my responsibility to handle it. Likewise, if I upset you, it is both our responsibilities to handle it. postato ·3 mesi fa
LuceOfTheLight commentato…
While we do identify separately, we are a single unit possessing a single body and a single brain and thus are responsible for everything done as a system. I do apologize if issues to arise regarding myself o Aderis o even Riku, and we take full responsibility. So if anything regarding this becomes a problem, please be patient while Riku and I (hopefully eventually Aderis as well) figure it out ·3 mesi fa
LuceOfTheLight commentato…
I figured that it would be beneficial for me to interact outside of the system più often and the only reason I am currently being as active as I am is because I do not know the successivo time I will be out. ·3 mesi fa
LuceOfTheLight detto …
Per request I am now having a Sakamoto icon. postato ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Anyone ever sit there and realize te are so fucked up and fucked over that te probably shouldn't even be alive da any logical standard? postato ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I'm proud to be alive despite it all, but really... I am so fucked up its hard to imagine. ·3 mesi fa
Lusamine commentato…
Pain is beauty. If anything, this makes te a stronger and wiser person, più suitable to thrive than any other. Take it as a compliment. ·3 mesi fa
LuceOfTheLight commentato…
It is how things are for some like us. All te can do is as Lusamine alluded to. Let the pain and suffering make te a stronger wiser person. Nothing can really change the past and all te can do is sposta inoltrare, avanti making the best of the hand te were dealt. ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
>tfw te are being a #sadboi over something DID related that is so deep into it that it sounds ridiculous if te were to share it

It not that bad, Im just being kind of down and frustrated and mopey but its just a me problem tbh. >.> postato ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
It is almost funny how clear cut and obvious it is that my Trichotillomania picks up 40x when I am at home and around my family a lot.

When I'm at college, Ill typically only pluck in small amounts that are negligible and have maybe one large session of plucking every couple weeks o so. It lets them grow decently before being plucked and thats actually pretty good compared to the past

I come back home and every giorno that I'm around them I pretty much start blank. postato ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Its really really bad to be honest. When I'm da myself I barely pluck, when I am with Kendall I near to never pluck, when I am home and around my parents, I pluck daily even if I don't want to ·3 mesi fa
J_E_T commentato…
If your parents are around just look at them and say to yourself my beautiful hair is too damn sexy to give a shit about this. ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
XD I know but I wish it was like that. My amygdala just responds regardless XD ·3 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Yooo guys back from my trip XD postato ·4 mesi fa
J_E_T commentato…
Miss your company...did te had fun? xD ·4 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
Welcome back! Hope te had a great time !!!! ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Yeah it was XD ·4 mesi fa
_Aderis_ detto …
I am the Roast Queen. To add to that I am also the Sass Queen but I prefer the Roast Queen thank te very much. postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Happy Fathers giorno to everyone and for those who don't have a father figure in their life o a good one, I'll adopt te :v postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Man I need a new icona but I havent been super attached to anything as I've been focusing on my finals and getting the fuck home that I really haven't had enough stable free time to just like... chill and read my mangaor anything XD postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I guess Ill settle with this handsome boy for now ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Trauma resurfacing from thin dissociaitve walls and bubbling back up in a PTSD sense sucks. Its probably my lightest unprocessed trauma and it fucking sucks.

I can literally be having a good giorno then one word o one image and flick there goes my brain trying to give me a flashback and crap

Kms, not really but still. postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
ONE FINAL DOWN THREE TO GO postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I honestly cant wait to be home in a little over a week man. postato ·4 mesi fa
LuceOfTheLight detto …
Riku says I have to make my icona Sakamoto. postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
FFF Dont call me out :v I didn't even notice this was here :vvv ·4 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
te really should !!!! ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Honestly a lot of the times my detachment from a lot from the world and what not serves me alright and sometimes well to reaching my goal and not getting bothered da the small things in life, but sometimes, often times, it can get to the worse either when it feels like the world is too far separate from me o when I feel like this is a secondary world and like I've been detached and disconnect from the world I actually belong in. postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Sometimes its a weird feeling. Its like being homesick from a sense of reality / world that te don't even really know. ·4 mesi fa
_Aderis_ detto …
Also I added my responses to some of the DID Alter Q and A postato ·4 mesi fa
_Aderis_ detto …
I'm going to compromise and post here just saying that sometimes I feel like I want to use my own account. It's a fine line to walk though, between freaking Riku out and between holding myself back from saying something 'mean' o 'rude' o 'improper' that might soil some of Riku's image.

Out of respect for her I try to stay out of the picture but te know~

I like to have my fun as well.

Besides, if Lucille can post a thing o two I sure don't see why I can't post an innocent post. postato ·4 mesi fa
_Aderis_ commentato…
Also hi Riku. Bet this is spookin ya but I want some fun as well. I'm behaving, don't worry about it. Buh bye, that is all. ·4 mesi fa
_Aderis_ commentato…
For those that aren't Riku feel free to friend me and message me o whatever. I don't particularly care and I'll reply like.. whenever I front and feel like it. Maybe that'd be a week, maybe a month, who knows. Not my problem tbh. ·4 mesi fa
_Aderis_ commentato…
Buh bye bitches and hoes. (I am mandated to state that I do not actually think te are bitches o hoes since apparently I am 'accidentally mean' a lot.) ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I am thoroughly attacked. I started watching Sakamoto Desu Ga and this is such a direct parody of myself and my social experience in highschool that it hurts.

I have been parodized postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
"DID pathologizes one of the coolest and amazing ways of exploring your mind"

Yeah, its so cool to have a personality that regularly gets in the way of your interpersonal relationships, one that is actively suicidal and distorted horribly with depression and trauma, and one that literally does nothing but belittle te and poke at your largest insecurities.

Its very cool and very fun and very amazing. postato ·4 mesi fa
Lusamine commentato…
Anybody who romanticizes mental illness is an absolute tool. ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Pfft right? ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Imma stream at about 2 PM PST (1.5 hours from this point) if te guys are interested. postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Ya know I honestly sometimes get a bit blown away when I think about the people that have claimed that I've helped them both online and offline. Often I don't really consider myself all that great and like... just kind of a pain in the culo of burden with how much baggage I can carry with me as someone to get to know, but then I have to double take and I realize I've really helped a good few people and it just sometimes doesn't sound real to be honest postato ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Like if there was an alternate reality where I never existed, so many lives could have been different and worse and I really don't like to toot my own horn and I really don't mean to since I'm just kind of shocked and find it a bit hard to digest ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I dunno, its just hard for me to avvolgere my head around the idea that I am ACTUALLY a good person più than anything. ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Like... I'm not a BAD person, but the idea that I am "not a good person" has been a bit of a well known "fact" of my identity for a while that its just kind of hard for me to like be like??? I've helped people??? And I'm kind of caring??? Even when all the evidence shows that I do care about people and have done a lot più than I am required to do ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
And its like???? Wow??? ·4 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Media depiction of DID

Alter: We gotta kidnap and kill them. I want to kill everyone. Stab them - Imma take over and kill them

Reality

Me: Maybe I should have a bit of soda with this popcorn

Lucille: I want tea.

Me: I am not walking out in the rain again to get tea. te can come out and make tè if te really want it postato ·5 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Admittedly, this is like XD There is a lot of work and shit that goes into it, but like XD Its just a meme I had like three secondi fa :v ·5 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
FYI Lucille is a tè addict ·5 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Randomly being able to hear your suicidal alter having some sort of an episode is hard shit. Like, its not emotions and feelings and thoughts that I myself feel like are my own and it is fine, but just constantly hearing "I am so tired of being alive. I am so tired of this existence." and so on and so forth is just... its not easy.

I'd get like "Oh I think shes done and I managed to relax" and then another line will whisper out of no where and itd be square one again. postato ·5 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I'm just kind of waiting for it to pass and for her to go back to being silent. It kind of sucks because I really can't communicate back so I'm just kind of sitting here listening to it randomly appear ·5 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
ciao dudes, for Mental Health Awareness mese I might try to post a few versions of DID domande and answer them myself and IF any of my alters come out and are willing to add their thoughts Ill let them :v postato ·5 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Public Service Announcement Kiddos

Take your medication. postato ·5 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
GUYS ITS ALMOST MAY

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH

Maybe Ill do something XD postato ·6 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
It is a good feeling when your old friend te had a bit of a really problematic friendship with messages back giving proper closure to the friendship's end and apologizing for some of the behavior in the time and ya know.

As someone who had a lot of codependent Friends left hanging, its a good feeling man. :feelsgoodman: postato ·6 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Imma ramble about some just random DID stuff I've been thinking about lately and its nothing important so dont bother too much with this unless te are reaaaaallly bored but anyways here I go postato ·6 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
So like, there is this thing that apparently a lot of people with DID have that I know I KINDA have and that I USED To have back when I thought I just had an overactive imagination and what not called "inner worlds" where the alters can manifest and occasionally interact and what not and sometimes they are actually kinda like big environments and what not ·6 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Also since I KNOW at least one of them checks my fanpop when he is out sometimes, yes this is at te :v :v :v Fight me and don't use my account to redact o revise what I am saying here :v this is completely valid for me to post on here :v ·6 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
inb4 he doesnt front anytime soon and this post just gets Lost in time ·6 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Oh ciao dude! I have a superiore, in alto Contributor thing now on my club's home page! Thats actually pretty cool XD postato ·6 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Its kind of nice being home and what not. I get some good time with my fiance and I can kind of relax and pull the breaks a bit. Its pretty good - dato my middle sister isnt also home postato ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
te know a lot of te guys are actually like a genuine family to me più than yall probably think te all probably think XD

Cause "Riku" is actually a personality that is of a system that didn't exist - o at least didn't firmly diviso, spalato / solidify - before fanpop existed. I'm really an existence that was 'born' here and figured herself out on here so a lot of me quickly kind of 'grew up' and 'developed' around te guys like one would with family postato ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Google: Did I really recover from my depression o did I just dissociate from it? postato ·7 mesi fa
2ntyOnePilots commentato…
Ohhhh man. Relatable ·6 mesi fa
2ntyOnePilots detto …
Ok so... I hav3 a domanda that may seem ignorant, but truth is I just can’t remember most o& the distinguished details. What ways are Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder different? postato ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
As someone who technically has both (one of my alters is BPD where as I myself is debatable on it) I can explain XD ·7 mesi fa
2ntyOnePilots commentato…
Ok thx sm. That’s so interestin. (Sounding like my mum but fuck it lol) a Definitely clears it up ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Aye drop da any domande XD ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
;-; Headache and fatigue for two days in a row ;-; postato ·7 mesi fa
2ntyOnePilots commentato…
Awe man, I feel that. Get some rest + take care. ❤️ ·7 mesi fa
GDragon612 commentato…
all the best for te ma Rikubun, take care and get well soon!! ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I lowkey Amore that the giorno I go to screening with Neurology to make sure there is no physiological reasons I have memory and identity issues is Dissociative Identity Disorder Awareness Day

The giorno my diagnosis will be pretty solid XD postato ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Inb4 "Oh looks like te just have a brain tumor" ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Update: Yeah I am physiologically solid so its probably just dissociation. Big shock XD ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Honestly if any of te guys have any domande on DID I am good for answering. XD I appreciate domande postato ·7 mesi fa
2ntyOnePilots commentato…
I have a question. Did te ever finish the articolo te wrote, and where might I find it? lol ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I got it MOST ways done but got distracted XD I need to finish it its still on my lista of things to do but man my mental health has been taking up a lot of time XD ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I am actually getting into the nit and gritty stuff of DID and its quite interesting and very tiresome XD ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
One of these I should work on explaining just how important and why Akashi is such a big thing for all of us. postato ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Also still happy I get to train Lefteris in the way of Kuroko no Basket. Soon there will be someone caught up enough to understand my lord and savior Akashi Seijurrou postato ·8 mesi fa
Economnomnomics commentato…
Glad to see someone joining the cult. How could te forget about me, Riku. ·7 mesi fa
Economnomnomics commentato…
Just because I'm inactive doesn’t mean I'm dead 😵💀 ·7 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Man I had a four giorno weekend but dude I still have a lot of stuff to get done postato ·8 mesi fa
2ntyOnePilots commentato…
^ ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
There are pretty much like three ways to know when Im MAJORLY dissociating and possibly switching personalities

1) A LOT of face touching. If Im rubbing my face a lot and/or blinking heavily, Im probably dissociating and its habitual touching in attempt to like "clear my eyes" and focus in

2) I spazio out into absolutely no where

3) I lower my head into my hands o arms o away from sight and towards the ground and take irregular breaths. postato ·8 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
I see. That is pretty interesting to know. Have been curious about the signs !!!! ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Holy shit I just realized Ive been worshipping Akashi for like four o five years now postato ·8 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
Happy 4th-5th Anniversary of Worshipping then !!!! ·8 mesi fa
simrananime detto …
Joined^^ postato ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Aye sweet ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
My little boy bird is a big boy now ;-; I raised him since he was a chick and my mom caught him fucking one of the females XD Shes the one Im taking to college and have shipped him with for ages so like... Im not upset and its rather normal for birds especially during this season XD

But man hes a grown boy now. I remember when he was like... a centimeter big and just a little baby chick. postato ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
That feeling when te were so dissociated for two to three months and constantly AT BEST half present that te THOUGHT te were fully present for some parts cause te forgot what it was like to be alone in your head / got used to it

Like for the first time probably since Ive come to college, its been just me - no Lucille o Aderis - and HONESTLY it feels GOOD baby. postato ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Like.... when te have più than one present up in the front and are dissociated, te cant really get into life and do exactly what te want to do regularly. te cant REALLY perceive all your emotions o your needs o the world around te cause even if te are semi-present, its like there is an overload and te only get half of whats being picked up. te are kind of stuck at a skin deep level ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Its so peaceful to just have a few days to myself for once and actually feel the world again and oh man. #FeelsGoodMan ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Imma kick back and enjoy this weekend ·8 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
Once again, I'm really happy to see te like this. As I said, make the most of this feeling, Rikubun !!!! ·8 mesi fa
heart
GDragon612 detto …
Party finally Rikubun got the 100
btw thanks to Nomy yeah!!!
opens a huge bottle of champaigne and Juice
throwe confetti
drunk now xD
Party hard =D

congrats ma Rikubun💗 postato ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Thanks XD ·8 mesi fa
GDragon612 commentato…
ya welcome XD ·8 mesi fa
GDragon612 commentato…
throws ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
"I honestly just see myself più of a character than anything else. To be honest, I learned most of my actions and who I am from Anime characters that I liked." ~ Me like.... three o four years ago

Still honestly not inaccurate, but the degree I saw myself a vessel to write and create a story in rather than to live in was interesting. I wouldn't go and say I dont view it that way anymore, but its much less severe if te were to ask me. postato ·8 mesi fa
heart
GDragon612 detto …
just one più fan then te got 100 fans
then I open a champaigne yeah(for non alcoholics succo, succo di frutta =3) postato ·8 mesi fa
GDragon612 commentato…
hwaiting*-*<3 ·8 mesi fa
GDragon612 commentato…
will open<<< ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
NOMY MADE THE 100! HALELLUJAH ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
MY FIANCE detto I CAN MAKE HIM WATCH KNB WHEN WE ARE LIVING TOGETHER YAS postato ·8 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
Yeee! One più person has been added to the KnB Gang !!!! ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Me: Man I never write articoli anymore. I still have like three o four half completed articoli to do. Im so lazy man. Why am I always so tired and not in the mood for Scrivere and explaining things when I remind myself of my articles?

Me: *working on a website to build and explain an entire fictional world with races and classes and cities and functions* *writes easily over a thousand o two on the website whenever shes bored enough to do it*

Me: Man I never write. postato ·8 mesi fa
Lusamine detto …
Joined! postato ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Welcome! ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Im still upset Ill never be able to be someones gay boyfriend postato ·8 mesi fa
Lusamine commentato…
I know, I was sad too. ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
;-; ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Sometimes I wish I had someone to look up to tbh. Someone to take guidance off of. Someone who I am impressed so thoroughly da that they serve as an inspiration. But alas, it turns out I am stuck da myself. I have to generate goals and admiration from myself within myself. I have to generate the drive and inspiration and will entirely on my own.

Its not horrible. It makes me independent

But sometimes having the safety net so te can take a break once and a while would be great postato ·8 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
Isn't there though? At least those who have contributed their fair share of inspiration over the years. Maybe not a complete Role Model through Life (A lot really have a hard time finding something like this and might also be not be the best option depending on one's selection) but the experiences taught through them and the examples te have taken can be valuable nonetheless. Regardless of being Family o Friends, irl People o Fictional, etc. I have noticed that they could have an impact in a person's jouney. Something that I can relate with myself !!!! ·8 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
That being said, it is apparent that your progress so far is mainly because of yourself. No one else could define it. Your very own driving force that pushed te towards Improvement. It is something to be truly admired and a reason why many others look up to te and seek for your guidance themselves. Something to take great Pride in !!!! ·8 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
^ As excessively Optimistic I might be coming across, that is my Hope. A pure one and I find it to be worthy holding on to it in your case. Just letting that be known !!!! ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
“I wonder since when, I started yawning as I left my home for a match. I wonder since when I stopped feeling anything even when we won. The person who can win against me is me alone. But all I wanted was an opponent that I could go all out against. I've always wished for a tight game in which te couldn't tell if you'd win o lose...I am grateful to te Tetsu." ~ Daiki Aomine postato ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
" *in meh mood* .... lets eat popcorn and soda"

"You know we literally just agreed and decided wed lean back towards tè and frutta since drinking things that do not excite the brain and fuels the body with HEALTHY stuff will actually almost factually pick up our mood right? Get some frutta and tea"

".....popcorn and soda" postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Im not living am I? postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Man I havent postato on here in a while. Its... been a week. XD Chaos man. Tiresome. postato ·9 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
Relatable XD !!!! ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Im in Amore postato ·9 mesi fa
GDragon612 commentato…
with your boyfriend o your birds Rikubun <3 ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Birds, boyfriend (fiance), and Akashi XDD ·9 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
#TripleLove !!!! ·9 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
The Holy Trinity of Riku's Obsessions !!!! ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
...... can someone tell my lungs how to breathe? postato ·9 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
link ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
MY LUNGS DONT WORK postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Personally, I identify più masculine than feminine and typically want to be and identify with più male / masculine things. I actually never wanted to be a girlfriend when I was younger. I hated the idea of being a GIRLfriend. I was 100% alright with being a boyfriend but the term girlfriend just grossed me out and Im still not a HUGE fan of it but Im used to it so I dont mind XD postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Theres the whole thing about wanting to be a prince and my style and all. There was even a point in my life / time when I wanted to look as masculine as possible and a bit of dysphoria but that all went away when I really stopped bothering with gender. ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I got overwhelmed and tired with all the gender culture and decided I was just going to be me and not do anything to my body that could harm it including binding my boobs cause once te get past 38D its really not sicuro, cassetta di sicurezza to bind ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Plus I like my tits and my fiance likes my tits so... ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
“I wish we met before they convinced te life is war.” postato ·9 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
Relatable !!!! ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Ah man. I was not ready to go back to college to be honest. Ill probably be better once I get back into academia and get fed the drug of constant work but ugh. postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I have a cheese addiction tbh postato ·9 mesi fa
Zeppie commentato…
As I'm munching through a handful of grated mozzarella I find this relatable v: ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
^^ ·9 mesi fa
JetBlack__ detto …
Riku didn’t post in 24 hours !!
call 911 postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
XD Im alright man XD ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Me: I didnt take my meds yet. Dont forget. Yeah just after I find some good Musica to listen to.

"Honestly sometimes don't te think it would be easier to play the roll of broken, edgy, depressed, and unhealthy drug lord o something than this high standing skilled academic and mental health caring scholar? It would be so easy to maintain that and we'd just have to stop trying with everything. Wouldn't that be fu-"

Me: Okay time to take medication. postato ·9 mesi fa
2ntyOnePilots commentato…
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ·8 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
i cant sleep cos i cant stop imagining things and scenarios :vv ;-; postato ·9 mesi fa
JetBlack__ commentato…
It's alright Riku it is all temporary,it's over now.you okay.. back to awesome Riku kicking life shit. ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
XD Its fine XD Its just lowkey nostalgic ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Me: I am not that bad of a maladaptive daydreamer

Me: *organizes a DnD group*

Me: *literally can not stop knocking out into obsessive character planning and background forming and sognare ad occhi aperti up different potential characters legit for the successivo 12 hours straight including while go kart racing to which Im shocked I didnt crash* postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Stream might be delayed due to DMV stuff postato ·9 mesi fa
BlueDopamine commentato…
ok, Anna ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
:vv Dont call me da my first name ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
It makes me uncomfortable XD Not cause its online but for other reasons I dont wanna go into XD ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
o well real name I suppose XD ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
ANYWAYS. I finally get to take my drivers test after annoying delays twice and a random appointment cancellation that the DMV didnt tell us about XD All the delays pretty much have me at the end of my learners permit though XD So I need to pass this o Ill have to start from square one again XD

But I think Ill do fine probably. I mean I am not the best driver and personally I wouldn't drive if I didn't have to cause of my dissociation, but Im somehow better than postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
my older sister according to my mom and she has a license so... I think Ill do fine. XD ·9 mesi fa
Rihanna312 commentato…
Welp, this is the third anno when I`m postponing getting a license. Mostly because I don`t feel the need for it. But if te have the reason and need it, I`m sure you`ll do good on the test! ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
But yeah I would have passed since my driving was stellar but not noticing it was a yield left was an instant fail ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Ah man its bird fucking season it seems XD My birds keep trying to fuck postato ·9 mesi fa
JetBlack__ commentato…
That’s disturbing yet cute xD ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
.... on another note I just realized I am 18 and have been living for the past few months with the self pressure as if I was like 21-24 postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Like my mom reminded my dad I was turning 19 and I was like "HOLY SHIT WAIT IM 18 WHAT THE HECK IM DOING JUST FINE. WHY AM I TREATING MYSELF LIKE IM WAY BEHIND?!?!" XD ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
With that being said, I am not going to change the working speed and rate I am working at :v I want to get everything done as fast as possible but man I shoulda cut myself some slack XD ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
"There is no victory for the passive" postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I wanted to do something when I got back but now House is hallucinating a person and it reminds me too much of personal shit so Im hooked XD postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Fresh Owari no Seraph profilo postato ·9 mesi fa
Shukuya commentato…
Looks cool! ·9 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
Noice. Looks pretty neat !!!! ·9 mesi fa
JetBlack__ commentato…
It’s perfect. ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Me: *gets into the car and sees fiance's giacca in the backseat and put it on*

Him: You? Cold? Who are you?

Me: Nah, I just miss your jacket

*twenty minuti later*

Me: Actually I was a bit chilly but I did really mainly want it cos I missed it.

Him: I know, te just have to be big strong girl that doesnt get cold

Me: >.> Shut up. postato ·9 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
After all these, anyone who still can't see te being a Tsundere simply knows nothing XD !!!! ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
YES I AM STILL THE Queen OF MEDIATING AND ARGUMENT CLEAN UP!

Managed to simultaneously

-Keep my sisters fiance from having to deal with my family's bs arguments
-Made sure my sister was alright the giorno before leaving
-Made sure my mom understood where my sister was coming from
-Made sure my mom was alright with how she left my sister
-Made sure everyone was at least neutral
-Ended the drama
-Explained my 'disowning' of my middle sister
-Everyone is alright postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Oh on that note, my middle sister I blantantly let it be known Im done trying with her and I am going to need to see her change and get her act together before I start trying again cos I got tired being let down on us getting along and her being nice and respectful to my existence ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I honestly cant hate her, but its not good for me to keep trying to be nice and get along cause Ill be sucked dry and left used if I keep trying when she isnt. ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
A bit of appreciation, but I honestly Amore my fiance. The più I think about it, the più of a rare human that probably has like a 0.01% chance of existing that fits my tastes in people, quirky interests, patient, capable, and understanding enough of my mental health bullshit, and everything to somehow find me and care / like me enough to make me give them a chance even after I tore them apart. postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Like... being in my tastes and being someone Im willing to spend time around IRL is like.... a one in a millionth shot (not really but its pretty rare) ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Then just multiplying the rarity of everything else... ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Im just lucky to have him ·9 mesi fa
Zeppie commentato…
So sweet ❤ ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I swear Ill get back to Hakuoki eventually XD

Im currently bouncing around a few other games though since there are some good sales on thigns I want

Currently doing Jurassic World: Evolution and then Devil May Cry 1 after. If I like Devil May Cry 1 I might get più of the series in the future but I dunno postato ·9 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Dude, I found a clear definitive hole in my memory. My sister's fiance's sister apparently was like... best Friends with me in elementary school and APPARENTLY I was teased a lot o something like that and she asked about me when my sister met her and I honest to god dont recognize her much at all if at all.

I was a biiit skeptical that it was overexaggerating but legit found pictures of me hugging her as a kid so??? postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
And I was in the same school as her for three years at the very least and she is somehow entirely absent from all my memories? I mean thats not shocking because I dont remember much from elementary school but I did make a hell of a hard job remembering the general story including Friends of mine at the time. ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I remember some of my other Friends at the time Im pretty sure...??? So its weird but the photographs dont lie... .-. ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Legit my first PROOF backed Lost memory and its kinda..... odd?? ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Bruh solid Natale this year. postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
>.> Starting to get to that "hating break" mood cause Im running out of things to keep my mind stimulated postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I honestly hate wasting time ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I hate being stressed out about wasting time especially on vacations because I know its irrational but I cant. ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Im honestly kind of jealous of people who can comfortably do nothing with their time may it be on vacations o not ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
ciao guys I'm not dead I swear postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Aye guess who is officially engaged now? postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Might stream tomorrow at 12 PM PST Kingdom Hearts 1 with my boyfriend. Might not, still considering it postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Nah decided against streaming btw XD Figured itd be più fun just to chill with my boi ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Since I dont really have the ability to remember my moods for più than two weeks and it screws up a lot of my psychiatry forum and all, I am going to now keep a mood log to keep track of how I feel so I can più accurately segnala it postato ·10 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
^ That is a really nice idea !!!! ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I might be kind of between fragments o something because I am feeling two extremely polar emotions at the same time that shouldn't be able to coexist at the extent that they are and because I can't respond to really interesting fanpop random domande because I cant come up with any consistent ideas so my sense of identity is probably obscure and messed up even though I dont notice it. postato ·10 mesi fa
TheLefteris24 commentato…
^ Relatable in a way. Have been similarly felt confused about some of them myself !!!! ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
SAIX DESERVES più Amore postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Its a bit shocking that I am still a good bit affected / bothered da my first major codependent break up. I've mostly moved on and I dont have breakdowns over it every other week like I did two years fa and I don't compulsively stalk unless "triggered" and thus there is like a REALLY small one in comparison to before

BUT Id be lying if I detto I wasn't still held back and occasionally bothered da it. There are some things that can "trigger" small little moments to which postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I recover from rather fast ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Its almost four years passed at this point I believe ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
da the way stream this week is canceled due to my schedule combined with other people's schedules postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
*sigh* Its hard to convince myself to sleep cause my brains oddly on edge over the session earlier today and the fact I gotta ride Uber to the airport which Ive always been paranoid about postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Not like horrifically but enough that Im resistant to sleep out of discomfort ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Tfw te have to talk with your therapist over why something te know is irrational is irrational because your brain doesnt always listen to ration and te just sit there like "Fuck man, now we look dramatic because te were freaking out over something I told te was irrational and pointless and potentially unhealthy." postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
And then him pointing out the fact I over prepare and over plan for the worst to the point its kinda bad with how it takes a lot of the fun and excitement out of life and then Im like ":vvvv Dont bring me into this :vv Im just trying to protect us :v We might get caught off guard if we dont know whats going on :vv" ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
.... I really clearly dissociate myself in therapy dont I? ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
I dont really mean dissociate in like... the experience of dissociation, but the way I talk about myself and my issues in therapy REALLY sounds like Im REALLY diviso, spalato and like "pfft thats not me" when it fucking is ya hoe. Like its not THAT apparently until I talk about my emotions and way of doing things ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Also I gotta stop talking in first person plural so much. XD o maybe not, cause it might be something I should stop restricting myself on. I dunno. Im curious what psychiatry will say when I go to it on the topic. And after I get MRI scans and shit on my brain so I can make sure its not like some tumor o anything that might be causing the memory issues and stuff just so they can go through the procedure of diagnosing shit ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
TFW te lazily and casually take the ECON practice exam that is 20 domande longer than the one te will take today and get an 96% on it with a little over 40 minuti to spare when te really didnt do anything other than Chem and a little bit of Animal Science for about a week postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Honestly I kind of doubt when I say I have extremely fragmented personalities because a good 90% of the time I currently feel really like... single. I dont mean dating wise, but like... I feel like Im the only one up in my head and Im like "Nah I must have faked it before" but I vaguely remember having way too indepth discussions with "thoughts" that had extremely different opinions and voices in my head and my boyfriend claims hes seen it in my eyes / body when I claimed to be Aderis so.. postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Lately its only when Im really stressed / threatened that I hear anything in my mental spazio - either that o briefly when something 'stimulates' one of them I guess ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I think I got Chem down XD I mean I learned the majority of it in the last two days cause I was on a good track for the first half of the quarter then the fires came and ruined my momentum XD

But its still pretty good. I hear the teacher curves the class two letter grades and I only need a 30% I think then? Which I know I can pull off. Plus I feel like I might know it better than a good chunk of people? postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Yo hearing your oldest sister be like "Yeah, I didn't really care that te were più attached to him than me, I was just glad there was someone else helping out because I could barely keep te alive since there is only so much a sister could do."

Well geee.

I mean I remember being bad but not that bad :v postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
But then again I dont really remember XD At least people being really up front with how close I seemed to be to offing myself gives me validation that I really was depressed at some point like my sparknotes of my own life says :v ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Lowkey kinda wanna go back and experience again just to see how bad I really was but I think Id regret that five secondi in ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
I don't really have a good sense of when Im pushing myself too hard to be entirely honest. Usually I end up pushing myself and pushing myself unaware of the toll its having o only minimal awareness of it to the point I feel like I can do a lot più then I just suddenly snap / break / crack and am forced to stop

Its something I am working on and I only really stopped studying (out of boredom) cause I took a short rbeak to call my boyfriend and he told me to take a break postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Turns out Im kinda feeling how exhausted I was after taking about an ora break XD ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
Same kinda goes with most internal feelings, may it be hunger, exhaustion, and sometimes even just flat out pain. Im really bad at recognizing it until Im barely functioning and at that point it tends to be too late :v But Im working on it and try to listen when someone I know that can read me and that I trust tells me to take a break cos I know some people are better at telling when Im worn down than I am XD ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
Man going through your tumblr (a place te only ranted on when REALLY bad and not really wanting people to know) and specifically go back to the rants cause te know te had a tag for them

"I WANT TO DISSOCIATE. I WANT ADERIS. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL o BE HERE." postato ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
[Hashtags so I could find the post if need be] #I Hate That Ive Been Stopping With My Dissociation #I Want It Back #I Dont Want To Be Here #I Dont Want To Feel For Now #If I Had To Give The Personality To Her #I Would #I Want Someone Else To Protect Me #I Want Someone Else To Handle The Stress #I Dont Want To Be The One To Take This Bullcrap #I Want Someone Who Doesnt Judge Herself #I Want Someone Who Can Say 'Fuck te And Fuck It' #I Want Someone Narcissistic And Egotistical #Just Not Me ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 commentato…
April 4th 2018 apparently. I wish I knew what happened that giorno XD ·10 mesi fa
Riku114 detto …
tfw te went to the nearby campus market to get più Icebreakers, forget, buy a soda and Ramune for the stream, then half an ora after te come back te just go "shit I dont have any icebreakers" postato ·10 mesi fa