Rule One:
If te pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
te do not touch my daughter in front of me. te may glance at her, so long as te do not peer at anything below her neck. If te cannot keep your eyes o hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but te and all of your Friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: te may come to the door with your underwear mostrare and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your data with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from te is an indication of when te expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from te on this subject is “early”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt te are a popolare fellow, with many opportunities to data other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once te have gone out with my little girl, te will continue to data no one but her until she is finished with you. If te make her cry, I will make te cry.
Rule Seven:
As te stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and più than an ora goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If te want to be on time for the movie, te should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t te do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a data with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, o anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, o nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, o happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, o anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a oca down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Film with a strong romantic o sexual theme are to be avoided; Film which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay.
- Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask te where te are going and with whom, te have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help te God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a riso paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent arancia, arancio starts recitazione up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the pistole as I wait for te to bring my daughter home. As soon as te pull into the driveway te should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that te have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for te to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
READ AND ANSWER:
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied da a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,current medical segnala from your doctor and personal reccomendation from your clergy.
NAME______________________ data OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ GPA_________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
home ADDRESS____________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do te have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do te own o have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do te have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek o a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF te ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words o less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words o less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words o less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church te attend
___________________________________________________
How often te attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer da filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all risposte are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________
C: A woman’s place is in the:
____________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________
E. What do te want to do IF te grow up?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON baciare TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_____________________ Â Â Â _____________________
Mother’s Signature          Father’s Signature
____________________ Â Â Â _____________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi          State Representative/Congressman
Thank te for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
te will be contacted in Scrivere if te are approved. Please do not try to call o write (since te probably can’t, and it would cause te injury). If your application is rejected, te will be notified da two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
If te pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
te do not touch my daughter in front of me. te may glance at her, so long as te do not peer at anything below her neck. If te cannot keep your eyes o hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but te and all of your Friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: te may come to the door with your underwear mostrare and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your data with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from te is an indication of when te expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from te on this subject is “early”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt te are a popolare fellow, with many opportunities to data other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once te have gone out with my little girl, te will continue to data no one but her until she is finished with you. If te make her cry, I will make te cry.
Rule Seven:
As te stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and più than an ora goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If te want to be on time for the movie, te should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t te do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a data with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, o anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, o nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, o happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, o anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a oca down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Film with a strong romantic o sexual theme are to be avoided; Film which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay.
- Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask te where te are going and with whom, te have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help te God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a riso paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent arancia, arancio starts recitazione up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the pistole as I wait for te to bring my daughter home. As soon as te pull into the driveway te should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that te have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for te to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
READ AND ANSWER:
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied da a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,current medical segnala from your doctor and personal reccomendation from your clergy.
NAME______________________ data OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ GPA_________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
home ADDRESS____________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do te have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do te own o have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do te have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek o a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF te ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words o less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words o less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words o less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church te attend
___________________________________________________
How often te attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer da filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all risposte are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________
C: A woman’s place is in the:
____________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________
E. What do te want to do IF te grow up?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON baciare TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_____________________ Â Â Â _____________________
Mother’s Signature          Father’s Signature
____________________ Â Â Â _____________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi          State Representative/Congressman
Thank te for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
te will be contacted in Scrivere if te are approved. Please do not try to call o write (since te probably can’t, and it would cause te injury). If your application is rejected, te will be notified da two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
