My Brutally Honest and Possibly Offensive Review of the 2004 Movie

    I’m sitting home sick from school with absolutely nothing better to do than write my (well, just read the title) review of the 2004 movie The Phantom of the Opera. Gerry phans and Patrick Wilson phans…I’d consider not Leggere this. So, here I am: putting Phantom in my DVD player and beginning to write down my random thoughts and reactions about it. te can be assured that it will be disorganized, random, completely honest, offensive, and a little inappropriate (just like me).

    Once More: GERRY AND PATRICK PHANS…YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

    Okay, Emmy. Let’s talk about her, since she’s the first main character to sing. I think she has a good voice, but they probably could have someone better. Her diction is a little poor sometimes and she seems to have trouble reaching some of the high notes. I wince at the “put te from my mind” part in Think of Me, and the “once inspired my voice in Twisted Every Way.

    Andre and Firmin look very…gay. Well, I guess they’re kind of supposed to. They sound less gay the OLC ones though.

    Patrick Wilson’s voice annoys me. While he’s usually right with the pitch, he has like, no emotion in his Canto and has a stupid blank expression on his face at most times. He is pretty hot…but the hair is a major turn-off.

    Okay, “Angel of Music” scene dissection. Meg (Jennifer Ellison? I think. Too lazy to look it up) is okay…I can’t think of anything specifically wrong with her but she just not that great. The one good thing I can say is that when they sing together, Emmy doesn’t drown out Jennifer, like Sarah Brightman does with Janet Devenish.

    I’m disappointed that “Little Lotte” wasn’t sung in this version, but of course I should probably be grateful, because that way I don’t have to hear Patrick Wilson sing. His speaking voice is just as annoying, however. I like how they almost exactly quote Leroux with the “Father detto when I’m in heaven, child…”. Okay, in the background we see a painting of someone that looks like Carlotta with a head on a piatto that looks a little like Andrew Lloyd Webber’s. WTF?

    And that brings us to “The Mirror”. Good job recitazione on Emmy’s part, she had some good facial expressions, and sang pretty well too. Gerry…let’s just say to preserve my sanity, I had to turn the volume down when he sang. Going back to Emmy, on the “Grant to me”, it sounds like she tried to do vibrato o something…and it didn’t work.

    DUUUUH!!! DUH DUH DUH DUH DUUUUH!!!!! Emmy does a better job Canto lower than high, I think. She’s growing on me…from, like ten minuti ago. Gerry looks sexy, as always, but makes my ears bleed. I do like his “sing, my angel” better than Michael Crawford. The horse is supposed to white! Idiots! I’m thinking they did that for symbolism though, (black=evil, white=good).

    Cape taking off=sexy. She’s wearing stockings in Musica of the Night. Okay, just remember that. Damn, he’s hot. Of course, I think a white half-mask makes anyone look better. Okay, am I the only one who noticed that when he detto “Let your fantasies unwind”, she looked down. Down. He kind of sounds German, don’t te think? I know he’s really Scottish…I don’t know, he sounds…something. He looks like a catfish. A very sexy catfish.

    Magical Lasso, blah, blah, blah. Meg going through the tunnel, blah, blah, blah. That doesn’t need my analysis.

    Okay, now SHE’S NOT WEARING ANY FREAKIN’ calza, maglia rasata when she gets out of the bed. te can interpret that however te want. Okay, she detto “Whose is the face in the mask” and was running her hand all over his sexy face, and he like has no idea what she’s gonna do...Now he sounds like an angry German guy. A sexy angry German guy. A sexy angry German guy who looks like a catfish. Okay, I’m done.

    “Notes”…what do I say about that? Well, it the only time we see Firmin without Andre, and it’s only for about a minute. They’re so gay. As for the singing…they’re good. I’d almost say better than the OLC.

    Hey, in Prima Donna they brought in the painting of her with Andrew Lloyd Webber’s head! This is one song I definitely like better in the stage show. Raoul only has like, two lines (once again, maybe that’s a good thing, though…). Minnie Driver/Margaret Preece is pretty good, but the words are way off with her mouth in some spots. o maybe she’s a ventriloquist, like Erik. Oh yeah, and I think they should use his name in the movie. I know they didn’t in the stage show, but they should have changed it.

    It’s Margaret Preece!! The person in Il Muto in the purple! I totally noticed that she sounds exactly like Carlotta. Speaking of Carlotta…she looks like a poodle/birthday cake thing. And what’s up with the midget? His only purpose is to follow around behind Piangi and mouth his lines. Stupid chandelier should fall now…

    Why Have te Brought Me Here/Raoul I’ve Been There is one of my preferito scenes. Even Patrick Wilson sounds…tolerable. I will always like how Emmy does this better than Sarah Brightman. Except for the “soar”…towards the end of the notes, Emmy sounds like she’s saying “sing”…it’s kind of weird.

    R.I.P. All I Ask of You. Patrick Wilson murdered it. When Steve Barton sings “then say you’ll share with me…” it is just so beautiful. Once I just listened to that one line on my iPod for almost a minute. P.W. still has no emotion in his singing.

    Ears bleeding again! Gerik has snot in his nose. Seriously, te can totally see it. Yes, I am that immature. EEEEEWWWW!!! And come on, no evil laugh after “All that the Phantom asked of you”!!!

    Masquerade. Never could stand this song. Andre has a frickin’ chicken on his head…I like the Furby guy though, he’s cool. And another part that isn’t sung; the “a secret engagement scene”. Not cool man, not cool.

    Okay, so Notes Two is now Why So Silent. And that is not Red Death. That is a dude in a red suit with a mask. Where’s my death’s head?!!! And te call that the torture chamber?!!

    Now, don’t even start me on the Phantom’s past and how they mutilated it. So basically Erik has been living under the Opera House since he was like, twelve. HE FREAKIN’ BUILT THE PLACE!!! Okay, maybe that was only in Kay, but…oh, well at least Javert looks rapisty. And anyways, Madame Giry shouldn’t be telling Raoul this, it should be THE PERSIAN. THE PERSIAN KICKS ASS, MAN!!

    Okay, Don Juan Rehearsal disappeared, so we jump to Journey to the Cemetery/Wishing te Were Somehow Here Again, and Twisted Every Way is moved after it. Emmy is actually pretty good in this song.

    Wandering Child is another one of my preferito scenes. I’m disappointed that Raoul doesn’t get to sing…oh, wait, never mind (Patrick Wilson…). Oh God…the Phantom would never stoop to a swordfight (AND LOSE!!), where are the fireballs?!

    The only plus of We Have All Been Blind/Twisted Every Way is Raoul’s jacket…yum.

    Gerry in his little Zorro mask is cute. The background dancers are disturbed and kind of freak me out. Wow Gerry, keep your hormones under control. I know it’s a sexy song, but those are tight pants (seriously, when they’re on superiore, in alto of the bridge…just look). And Emmy’s stupid dress straps keep falling down. The All I Ask of te Reprise is sweet, and Gerry sings it pretty well.
    Oh, wow. He is so hideously deformed. What happened to not having nose? o at least the stage show-style scarring? And once again, it should be the Persian with Raoul, not Madame Giry. The Raoul drowning scene is pointless and stupid. Also, in some spots, the bubbles go down. I didn’t know bubbles went down…

     Mmm…loving the white camicia on Gerik. The Final Lair scene is very…mediocre. The best song for Patrick Wilson, I’d have to say. Ooh, and note the subtle mouthing of “I Amore you” from Christine to Raoul. The baciare is very nice, but BOTH times they have a trail of spit hanging between them. I’m sorry, but that’s gross.

    Awww…he gives her her stalker’s Musica box. So thoughtful. I like the candle blowing to end the movie though. It’s a nice touch. And the song “Learn to Be Lonely” is really good.

    So…there te have it. My random thoughts and reactions to the movie.