Twilight la saga Article: A Twilight Hater's Review of New Moon

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posted by shieldmaiden

The lupo clan was kinda awesome, except for the crappy animazione and the fact that they're allergic to shirts.

The wolf clan was kinda awesome, except for the crappy animation and the fact that they're allergic to shirts.

Okay, I'll admit that I haven't laughed this hard at a film since I saw The Hangover last summer. Seriously, what was the plot here? I actually found the first film to be much better than this travesty. te can find my review of the first movie link. I'll go through it like I do with all movies. Pros and cons, then an overall.

Pros

The Volturi

Finally! Some ACTUAL vampires!! The Volturi I found were pretty awesome because, te know, they actually were cruel, soulless, mean, and did some actual VAMPIRING. The part towards the end where a tour group of humans is led directly to them and te hear their screams was pretty awesome. Come on people, that's what Vampiri#From Dracula to Buffy... and all creatures of the night in between. do. They drink the blood of huuumans. Sheesh. Also, they were pretty cruel too, what with the whole schiaffo, smack down of Edward and nearly killing Bella (so bummed that didn't happen). Getting a small glimpse of the actor who will be playing Grindelwald in Deathly Hallows was a nice bonus too. So for all te Twilight fans, the Volturi are GOOD examples of vampires. Much like the soulless Vampiri#From Dracula to Buffy... and all creatures of the night in between. on Buffy.

The lupo Clan

Now why I didn't particularly enjoy the crappy computer animazione of the Lupi (more on that later) I did enjoy the characters of the lupo clan. The one scene that I really liked is where we see Sam's fiance, with half her face clawed up. My friend and I definitely agree that even with the claw marks she was amazingly beautiful. I would see a movie about her and Sam in a heartbeat. It would be much much better than this terrible film. Pity they were stuck in it.

Jacob

Lautner got hot. No denying that. Other than the hotness factor though, he was probably the only real character with any dimensions and depth besides Bella's father. The way their relationship built to where Jacob fell for Bella, and she pretty much for him, was very realistic and healthy. So te can imagine my dissappointment when she chose Edward, who abandoned, controlled, and basically led to much of her depression, over Jacob. te Team Jacob fans, I now consider te semi-sane because te recognized a HEALTHY relationship. Props to te guys.

Cons

Bella...you there?

I hate the character of Bella, I truly do. She doesn't think for herself, is defined solely da her relationships, and for some reason Stewart could NEVER SHUT HER MOUTH. Even when she wasn't talking!! What was up with that?! Gaah. The fact too that she dissed her Friends at school and put her dad through so much crap with the screaming at night (seriously, wtf, she doesn't have PTSD) made me just loathe her character even più with a passion. Furthermore, her whole obsession over age was just ridiculous. Ohhh nooo you're a whole anno older than your 107 anno old vampire boyfriend!! Now he's not going to Amore te anymore!!! Yea, stupid. Those fan out there that idolize her, please find a healthier role model such as Eowyn, Hermione, heck even Lily on How I Met Your Mother. Bella is a very unhealthy and psychologically unstable character and is an insult to females everywhere. She didn't even drive her own car most of the time! Disgusting.

How is she special too btw?

If someone can explain how Bella is unaffected da any of the vampire's powers, it'd be much appreciated. That just seems like something that's just thrown out there. My theory? It's because Bella has no thoughts!

Edward...dude wtf?!

Sooo this guy that supposedly is totally in Amore with te throws te into a glass tavolo for protection, lies to you, breaks up with you, and abandons te in the forest. A car ride home would have been nice plskthnx. Also, the throwing into the glass tavolo for her protection? That was totally safe. te know, because she was bleeding even più profusely after the tavolo than she was after the papercut. Also, who has ever bled that much after a papercut anyways, if at all? Furthermore, the fact that he kept "appearing" everytime Bella had an adrenaline rush was just weird. I think if my ex-boyfriend started mostrare up everytime I had a rush, I'd go and get a CT of my brain to make sure I didn't have a brain tumor a la Izzie seeing Denny b/c of her tumor. Also, the fact that Bella takes him right back after all the crap he put her through was just great. Really shows girls that hey, after a guy lies to te like that te can totally trust him again with no really good explanation other than "I Amore you". Nice.

OMG a Plot Point!!!

Annd what was the plot?? Everytime a possible plot point appeared it seemed to get derailed, such as the shots of Victoria, Laurent, o whenever anyone detto Bella was recitazione crazy. If anyone spoke reason o a plot point appeared, it did not mostra again.

Lupin's lupo Looked Better...

The film must have had the world's worst computer animazione department because those Lupi were a travesty. How about those transf...I mean FURSPLOSIONS eh? Really bad animazione coupled with a laughable transformation sequence (FURSPLODE!) led to even più laughs. Too bad there weren't enough fursplosions.

That's What She Said!

There were way too many lines in the film where one could easily say that. For example- Bella: I'm coming! Me: That's what she said! Edward: I don't want te to come! Me: That's what HE said!! If te don't get the meaning behind that, then please go watch The Office where it is regularly utilized. Furthermore, the scene where Edward kisses Bella in front of her truck after the party was too funny. Edward acted like...well like link SNL skit. Please be forewarned that that link is meant for those 16 and older. That scene probably got one of the biggest laughs out of me.

Blocked

Finally, all the kiss-blocking that poor Jacob suffered through. Face punch, punzone high school guy who threw up at an action movie (he's so gay then), Bella denies, and Edward calls just as he macks on the upper lip! Seriously, Jacob should have just pulled an Owen (Grey's Anatomy character), grabbed Bella, and just rocked her world. Doubt she woulda left if he did that.

Overall

Overall, this movie was a travesty to the film community. It was plotless, very poorly acted, and featured a very unhealthy set of characters that girls and women alike should not look up to as role models. Bella should have been thrown in a psych center for the stuff she was experiencing. I'm not going to apologize either if I've offended anyone. This is my honest opinion, and I know I wasn't as kind as I was in my first review. Now you've heard an opinion of an anti-Twilighter. te Team Jacobers, te got some respect from me now. Please save your brain cells and your money and do not see this movie. Unless te want a really good laugh then da all means do. Oh and one più thing to note. The ending with the whole Marry me? Ending on the *gasp* garnered a huge laugh from our audience. And just for my own satisfaction, FURSPLODE TIME!!

No plot and many opportunities for "That's what she said!" abound in this film. Also, Edward during this baciare is very reminiscent of a certain SNL skit.

No plot and many opportunities for "That's what she said!" abound in this film. Also, Edward during this kiss is very reminiscent of a certain SNL skit.

Poor Jacob kept getting blocked and denied. In the end, Bella chooses the unhealthy relationship with Edward based on looks rather than the healthy one with Jacob based on the initial strong friendship.

xoPixie-Popxo, groovychicklisa and 10 others like this

rachaelwsz Lol. You've got great points there. But personally, I felt that the New Moon movie was better. What made me really dislike the Twilight movie was the terribly crappy script. (Think the spider monkey lines.) Oh, not forgetting the very disappointing special effects. (Sparkles- FAIL!) Btw, I've linked your article to the [url=http://www.fanpop.com/spots/critical-analysis-of-twilight] Critical Analysis of Twilight[/url] spot, better known as the CAT spot. ;) Check out the spot if you haven't.

shieldmaiden Didn't know that existed! Thanks! I've joined :) And the only reason that I found the first movie slightly better (by a very very small margin) than this one is because there was some semblance of a plot present. Not much though, but if you looked it was kinda there.

OCFan123 After reading this article...I really love you :) But I agree with rachelwsz, I thought this movie was better. But thats just me.

rachaelwsz @shieldmaiden I would agree with you about the weak plot presence in the New Moon movie. But if I were to compare both the movies, I still think New Moon was better overall. The CAT spot rules. ;)

XDRoseLuvsHP Haha, if you thought the movie was bad, you should see the book! E.P.I.C.F.A.I.L. Love the review :D

Impulse85 I love the fact that you made the Volturi part of the Pro part of the movie, b/c honestly, that's the only reason I went to go see the movie. I love the Volturi, they're a great set of characters that got caught in a crappy and pointless book. That's a shame to, they really should have a spin off. I'd buy that book!!!

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Life is for Living (Esme's POV) Chapter 4-- The Demise

posted by alicecullenrox1

Chapter 4-The Demise

I heard the front door creak open and then slam closed. “My cena had better be ready,” I heard the rough voice of my husband as he walked inside.

“Yes sir. It is,” I detto pulling out his chair for him. Then sprinting to sit at the other end of the tavolo before he could sit and yell at me more. We ate in silence then after dinner, much to my dismay he headed off to the bar with his 'drinking buddies'. I took this opportunity to clean the dishes and pray he didn't get too drunk.

A few hours later I was upstairs reading. The house was spotless and I couldn't think...

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Kayla's Visions, Chapter 3

posted by twilight-7

Rosalie hesitated before she began speaking. I could tell she wanted to just plough into an entire ora long speech but she considered her words carefully. She didn’t want to upset me which was weird but good.
“First of all,” she said. “I don’t hate you, Kayla. I never have and never will.”
I nodded. “That’s good. I wouldn’t know what to do if te did hate me.”
She smiled. “Probably run in terror, I think.”
“Probably,” I laughed. Rosalie even managed a tiny laugh.
“But,” Rosalie turned serious. “I do have to stress that I do not approve of te marrying Edward....

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Evening stella, stella, star (Eclipse in Edward's POV) Chapter 8

posted by patrisha727

Ok, here's the successivo chapter of Evening Star! ^_^

As usual, at night, I sticked da Bella's side, watching her sleep in peace. It made me smile when she detto my name over and over again. Sometimes she make full sentences saying, "I Amore you, Edward."
I kissed her forehead, and said, "I never get tired of te saying saying that, I will always Amore te too."
As if she could hear me, she smiled slightly and drifted into deeper sleep.
I rubbed her arm, letting her know that I will never leave her out of my sight again.

******

It was already the successivo day, and Bella and I were walking from Spanish class...

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The Brightest Days form the Darkest Shadows- Chapter 2a. Discoveries

posted by honey_dreams

In a dazed rush, Maria, having brushed her teeth to a standard that was less than satisfactory, set her toothbrush upright in the stand and glanced at her reflection in the mirror that hung over the basin. She looked tired, that much was apparent, but something about the delicate rings under her dark blue eyes, and the light flush on her normally pale cheeks, made her seem like an unrecognisable girl. A vivacious, excited teen that was eager for something that was coming. It worried her. She was used to being different, a sore thumb, but not alien. Especially not to herself. She had begun to...

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Amore - Ch. 2 - Plane Ride

posted by patrisha727

One for today! ^_^

I looked around, for my seat, K13. Angela already found her seat.
"I'll meet te once we are out of the plane." Angela told me.
I smiled. "Sure thing."
I took my seat, and settled. I got the window seat. I took out the book, Wuthering Heights and began reading. So far, no one took the sede, sedile successivo to me. I'm praying that I'll have this row to myself. I wasn't the talkative type, and I like to have privacy. But then I groaned quietly when a girl took a sede, sedile nect to me. She was about my age, but was like an average teenager. She wore makeup, lots of jewelry, and wore designer clothings....

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blue moon-chapter 2

posted by twilightfantic1

"Yes thats me" Edward replied "well we were just wondering can we get some help" she said.While walking in. "what can i do for you-"

"My name is jessica and this is justin,Im half- vampire my father is Laurent."

Just then we all froze.Did she come avenge us o the pack?Did she want to take kill my daughter and justin will take out Jacob?

"Dont worry i just came to see if that carlisle would except us into his coven."

"of course we will except both of you." "Thank te so much oh bella may i see nessie and nessa?"

"how do te know our names" i asked "Well thats part of my talent it cames from...

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Together Forever?

posted by Cullen_Freak

Starts right after the end in BD,,,,

Bellas POV

Nessie twirled around in her rosa tutu. She was mostrare it of to Rosalie and Jacob, laughing while they clapped for her.
"She sure is good. Dont te think Bella?" Jacob asked me as he admirred Nessie, his eyes filled with light.
"Shes better than I was." Rosalie laughed and then Jacob joind in. They had learned how to get along, finally. They both knew that if they ever wanted to see Nessie, the other was sure to be there. Admiration came with its consicuences.
I stood up, leaving the three of them, to go look for Edward. I passed Jasper and Emmett...

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Another Half Ch 2

posted by rose_emmett

Okay so heres the secondo chapter. I had a lot of fun Scrivere this one! I hope te enjoy!

Renesmee’s POV:

Before I left the shack I watch Jacob walk back to the beach. It was nice to see him again. I hadn’t seen him since we left to go to New Hampshire six years ago. I was looking inoltrare, avanti to coming back to Washington so that I could see him. I was worried that he had changed but I guess I have changed più than he has.

I didn’t run I just slowing walked back down the hill. I wanted to go back to him, but he was right if some one saw me then I would be in huge trouble. I started to run, but...

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Evening stella, stella, star (Eclipse in Edward's POV) Chapter 7

posted by patrisha727

One LONG one for today! ^_^

I stared at Bella with surprise as the dominant feature on my face. I didn't expect theory like this. When I didn't answer, Bella spoke again, she explained.
"Jacob told me that your family being here set things in motion. I thought te would already know...." she trailed off when my eyes narrowed.
Is she blaming us for the existence of werewolves.
"Is that what they think?" I asked.
"Edward, look at the facts. Seventy years ago, te came here, and the licantropi showed up. te come back now, and the licantropi showed up again. Do te think that's a coincidence?"...

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Evening stella, stella, star (Eclipse in Edward's POV) Chapter 6

posted by patrisha727

It's been a couple of days since I put the last Evening Star! Hope te guys enjoy! ^_^

"Honestly though, why do te read it over and over? What is it that appeals to you?" I asked Bella. I'm really getting curious about Bella's mind, and how it works. It's so hard to understand her. But I was glad her expressions and her eyes were easy to read. It makes things less complicated. Bella looked at me, and I can see that my gaze distracted her. It made me smile, for her to be intoxicated da my very presense.
"I'm not sure. I think it's something about the invitability. How nothing can keep them...

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Kayla's Visions, Chapter 1

posted by twilight-7

My vision blurring, I was thrust back into the present giorno of my bedroom.
I could still feel my letto underneath my so that meant I hadn’t fallen off which was a good thing. I blinked several times and found Edward watching me anxiously.
“Stop that,” I said, pushing him away from me. He was almost sitting in my lap.
“You are unresponsive when you’re having your premonitions,” he said, sliding back slightly. “I don’t know if you’re okay.”
“I’m unresponsive because I’m not actually here,” I replied, leaning back and closing my eyes, headache approaching.
“But Alice...

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Taylor Lautner interview about New Moon and Jacob Black character <3

posted by Brysis

Were te doing any stunts today?

I’ve been doing a lot recently, yeah. The cool thing is, they’ve pretty much let me do most of my stunts. I got to do all the dirt bike riding, I got to do this really cool sequence that I’m actually not going to tell te about, because I want te to wait to see it. But yeah, the stunts have definitely been my preferito part so far.

What physical preparation did te have to do to get ready for the stunt work?

Well, I had to put on some weight. (Laughs.) While filming 'Twilight,' I knew that Jacob’s character transforms, not only emotionally and mentally...

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Evening stella, stella, star (Eclipse in Edward's POV) Chapter 5

posted by patrisha727

I feel like I'm falling behind on Evening stella, star so I will post one today. ^_^

Did Bella think I insulted her? She looked angry. I was getting a little worried after a few minuti when she didn't speak. Then I put one finger under Bella's chin so she would pay attention to what I was saying and I want her to know that I didn't mean what I said.
"Sorry. Really." I told her sencerely.
She looked at me, with a frustrated expression, which confused me. But then she spoke.
"I know. I know it's not the same thing. I shouldn't have reacted that way. It's just well, I was already thinking about Jacob...

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Zoey McDaniel?? part 1 Twilight story

posted by Sk8bordNewMoon

Hi, my name is Zoey. I am 15 years old. I am from a little town Florida called Harbor Village. My parent and older brother who was 7 at the time, died when I was only 5. None of my relatives wanted me, I was a little rebel. I went from home to home, 20 to me exstact.Long story short, I lived on my own, the cops were out to get me. I was walking down the strada, via when a cop turn on his lights, well i took off running I was scarred to death! I ran 2 miles when they boxed me in. It was 4 cop cars against me. Well it didn't work, I hopped the cop cars and rode my skateboard down the biggest hill....

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Emmett's sure fuoco way to annoy Alice(Farting included)

posted by jacob-superhoty

Okay so my brother and I were swimming in our pool and suddenly we start talking Twilight.Well, if te know us then te know that we stared role playing.Mason REALLY wanted to be Edward so I let him.And I was Emmett. And so I started thinking of a joke paragraph.I REALLY hope te guys like it.

Emmett's pov.

"Where is Edward?!?", I thought to myself. I had been searching our property for well around 5 minuti and I knew he could hear my thoughts.
" Up here Em.", he detto chuckling from his room all the way upstairs. He knew I would hear.I was still in the forest.I was up and in his room in...

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Rob and Kristen: The Unrelentless Rumors

posted by mandapanda

I apologize beforehand that this articolo will probably most likely not be formally written.

Since Twilight, Rob and Kristen have been in countless magazines. The headlines pertaining to:

-"Rob and Kristen: The Hot Hook-Up!"
-"Rob Dumps Kristen for Co-Star Emilie!"
-"Kristen Pregnant with Rob's Baby!"
-"Rob's Family tells Him to Stay Away from Kristen!"
-"Rob Tells Kristen to choose between Him o Michael!"

All headlines pertaining to those above are rumors. Every headline is different and the "sources" in the magazines are never named. And for all the domande asking about Rob and Kristen...

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Rosalie and Emmett:The Beginning Part 1

posted by serenafan122

Edward is so irritating! How he could say those things? What does he know? Must he be able to read minds?! Aargh!!
Rosalie's thoughts were on Edward as she ran. They were all in Appalachia,Carslie,Esme,and Edward. Edward had heard her thoughts,heard how she wishes to be human again,how she would give up ANYTHING to be able to have children. He detto some things which made Rosalie want to rip his throat out. Instead she ran off,going to hunt.
Rosalie stopped. She was outside of Gatlinburg, Tennesse. She had run over 100 miles. All to get away from Edward. It was worth it. He couldn't hear her...

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Alice and Emmett Get Cozy?!

posted by Natalia94

Alice and Emmett Get Cozy?!

Uh oh... does Jasper have something to worry about?! What are Alice and Emmett doing together — as a couple?! Do we have a Cullen controversy on our hands?! Have we caught them red handed (and we ain't talkin bout blood)!?

No worries, Twihards, no steamy scandal here! While they're brother and sister in the Twilight Saga, Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene are set to stella, star in a movie called Warrior... and they'll play Amore interests!

Kellan plays a stella, star lacrosse player who joins the Navy; Ashley is his beautiful girlfriend. We've heard rumors about them hookin' up in real life, though they swear they're just BFF.

Brother and sister... BFF... boyfriend and girlfriend... the whole thing has got us confused! What do te guys think?

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Evening stella, stella, star (Eclipse in Edward's POV) Chapter 2

posted by patrisha727

Bella opened the door, with a smile on her face. She stared at me, full of wonder, as if I was the prize and she was the winner. In my point of view, it was the other way around. I couldn't ask anyone else for someone so perfect. She reached for my hand, and I didn't refuse.
"Hey." she detto with a smile.
I brushed her cheek with our interlaced fingers.
"How was your afternoon?"
"Slow."
"For me as well."
The outside world had nothing that I was interested in, unless I was with my Bella.
I pulled her wrist up to my face, gently without hurting her. My eyes closed at her warm skin, and smiled...

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Brosnan thinks Pattinson is too skinny.

posted by Hellohoudini

Irish Hollywood stella, star Pierce Brosnan has admitted that he is concerned about the health of his young co-star Robert Pattinson.

Brosnan and Pattinson are filming "Remember Me," in New York and Pattinson's army of female fan have been laying siege to the sets at Crestwood in Westchester and Central Park in Manhattan.

Pattinson plays Brosnan's son in the film which is his first lead since he rocketed to super stardom as the vampire Edward Cullen in the "Twilight" series.

Pattinson plays a man whose brother’s suicide has devastated his parents (Brosnan and Lena Olin) and rendered Pattinson incapable...