Steers, Queers, and Irrational fears: Texas’ gay problem 

Texas has a gay problem and it’s not the happy kind. Despite there being no proven biological cause

Texans are getting confused and turning homosexual. In record numbers. Why is this bad? One only need apply the corollary of Adam and Eve/

to see the logical insupportability of the lifestyle. Some would argue that this is too small a sample size to have statistical validity, but given that the two people in question were the entirely of the global population, at the time, it is perfectly representative.

Yet even in garden with the original peach, and no other men, Adam still managed to succumb to the sweet talk and sway of a thick undulating python. Good Christian men have been plagued by charismatic cruisers since the dawn of humanity, and only now do we have the medical means to fully assert our heterosexual birth right. You see Texas Republicans have made the de-legitimization and eventual eradication of the homosexual “lifestyle” a core part of there party’s platform. I don’t want to put words in these noble crusaders mouths so here is the verbatim quote from the Newsweek article.

“Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable alternative lifestyle, in public policy, nor should family be redefined to include homosexual couples. We believe there should be no granting of special legal entitlements or creation of special status for homosexual behavior, regardless of state of origin.”

The draft then goes on to endorse reparative therapy:

“We recognize the legitimacy and value of counseling which offers reparative therapy and treatment to patients who are seeking escape from the homosexual lifestyle. No laws or executive orders shall be imposed to limit or restrict access to this type of therapy.”

  I assume this speech ended with “

” and then a slow wink to the crowd, followed by a low five with a shadowy figure standing just off stage. To clarify, reparative therapy is a highly scientific process wherein a person whom, through exposure to the liberal media or an excess of musical theatre has become tricked into the gay lifestyle, is then re-indoctrinated over a period of weeks into a more normative sexual identify. Thus curing the mental illness of homosexuality

. It is beyond the scope of this article to delineate the full process, but I can briefly describe the stages;

  The underlying principle here is undeniable: Texans are incredibly susceptible to turning gay on a whim and only immediate medical intervention can prevent the slow erasure of the Texan race, through gay attrition. Birthrates have already been decimated by tight jeans and constant horse riding, so we are a few short steps from Mexicans owning banks. Hold fast Texas, lest the rising pink tide drown us all.

[1] I have carefully examined the evidence for the physical impossibility of true homosexuality and it is compelling stuff. A brief abstract of the more relevant datasets

It is physically impossible for two men wearing cowboy hats to close the distance sufficiently to kiss on the mouth

Dicks are so gross that the Mother Mary declined them entirely when building Jesus, and we know he’s straight

I, personally, have always dug women…so it just doesn’t add up

Teenagers love getting the shit kicked out of them for holding hands so why wouldn’t they fake it?

 [2] The DSM-5 definition of a pathological mental state: Things Clem down at the feed store would be confused by or feel awkward discussing with his wife

-The odd daughter/mother power dynamic in Gilmour Girls

9 thoughts on “Steers, Queers, and Irrational fears: Texas’ gay problem”

While I’ve had pretty easy ride as a painfully straight dude, I have close friends from every spot on the continuum and know enough about how painful and conflicted the coming out process was for them that the idea of the government trying to brainwash kids into a miserable life of denial and self hate is deeply upsetting.

Just the idea that a kid in Texas would go through the pain, social exile, and real risk of physical harm to “Decide to be gay” is insulting and ignorant on a level that has to be confronted.

Beautifully put – no one has an easy path and the idea that one would choose to complicate life even more is absurd

I lived in an area for a while (not Texas, but close enough) where this was the mindset, in a nutshell. That being said, I absolutely love this post. Too bad the ignorant homophobes that should see this lack the IQ to process your message…. But I suppose that’s a common side effect to inbreeding. Nonetheless, keep up the excellent work!

Much obliged. I wonder sometimes though how much is stupidity and how much is fear and lack of self awareness. I like to think that anyone is capable of moments of clarity and try to write with that goal in mind. Not attacking them, just pointing out the absurdites and hoping it gets through somehow.

Great once again ! I don’t get why my state is just so… hateful. It’s entirely illogical and I don’t get how people can think that way let alone agree with it but your satire was wonderful to read

Thank you. Though I’d never blame the whole state, there is just a unhappy momentum to these things that takes much longer to subside than it should. Hopefully in time.

I’d like to think it’s just fear of the unknown but it seems they simply don’t want to listen ( or believe ) anything that doesn’t follow their original ideals. There’s no room for growth or ideas that may differ.

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Steers, Queers, and Irrational fears: Texas' gay problem

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