Chapter 24
Sitting on her bed, watching her sleeping, House begins to whisper.
-Cuddy, I made things I regret, that te may… never forgive, never forget, but… I hope you’ll give me another chance, you’ll give US another chance… because … I cannot live without you, Lisa Cuddy, you’re the only one who always gave me another chance, who always took my side and believed in me even when I doubted about myself … well maybe Wilson too, but not in the same way, I Amore Wilson of course but I Amore him like my best friend te know, I’m not gay, and House giggles slightly, he feels so ridiculous trying to make Cuddy smile whereas she sleeps and doesn’t hear him. See what te make me do? I speak alone, I must look really stupid.
-No, you’re not, House, Cuddy risposte softly, opens her eyes and looks at him. I liked what te said, she adds with water in the eyes. A tear rolls on her cheek, House wipes it away tenderly.
-What did te hear exactly? He asks grinning.
-Do te really Amore Wilson? she asks teasingly.
-Hm, I … he’s my best friend and I like him, that’s all, nothing more.
-Really? Because te seemed to have strong feelings for him and… I was wondering if …
-Shut up Cuddy o you’re gonna regret it, House risposte and kisses her softly.
-House…
-Yeah?
-Do te really regret what you’ve done?
House looks at Cuddy straight in the eyes and says slowly: Cuddy! te know me! I’d never lie to you, he risposte and raises an eyebrow.
-Where did I hear someone repeat like a mojo “everybody lies”?
-Oh really? Someone detto that? Hm… I guess that’s a wise person, don’t te think?
-I’m sorry House if I hurt you, I …
-Shh, Cuddy, we can talk it later, te need to rest, he risposte softly and caresses her cheek. Your tests results should be soon here, he adds and feels concern about her state. Does it hurt anymore?
-No, I’m fine, they gave me some morphine I guess… House nods.
-House, we need to talk, and te know it, so why not now? We have nothing else to do!
-Cuddy, I…
-House! Listen to me, please… she says in a low voice, with wet eyes. House doesn’t say a word, he just remains still. I want te to know that I felt guilty, I knew I hurt te but… last time te were stoned when te came to me… Are te stoned right now? she asks and stares at him.
House stares at her a second, then he turns the head to the window. His eyes are full of pain, he didn’t think Cuddy would ask him that. The secondo these words came out of her mouth, she regretted them, she saw she hurt House deep, but it was too late. A shot of pain went through House’s heart, he didn’t know what to say, how to react. It hurts of course because it shows that she still doesn’t really trust him, o does she?
-House, I… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…
-But te did… he replies, still watching at the window. He doesn’t want to look at her, he’s afraid of what he may see in her eyes. What if she really doesn’t trust him? Could they have a future? And what if she finally thinks he’s not worth it? Could he have been so stupid to believe that one più time she would give him, give them another chance? How many chances did he waste in the past?
-Last time te were… how could te imagine te could have helped me in such a state?
-But te didn’t know it when I came to you, te understood it only when te were out of danger, safe, at your home… when we were sure te wouldn’t die…
-House! What if I died! Would te have been able to take care of Rachel?
-It wasn’t a problem at this time because te chose Julia to take care of her if something happened to you, don’t te remember?
-That’s not…
-Yes it is! It means that at this time te didn’t trust me! te may even have thought there was no future for us! Cuddy looks at him frightened. She never thought it would hurt him that she chose Julia to take charge of Rachel, that he would interpret her choice like a proof of lack of trust in him, in them, in a possible common life.
-I… I thought te didn’t want to be responsible for a child… te didn’t really seem to …
-To what? To be interested in raising a child? Cuddy nods and stares at him. I admit that at the beginning, I considered her as a… burden, te never wanted to stay over at me because of her and… but with time I understood how much she meant to te and… so I tried to pay più attention to her, I coached her for the preschool… and I… I started to like her… we got on well together.
-I … I’m glad to hear it, House. I… I don’t know what to say.
-If I took vicodin, it was only because I wanted to be with te to help you, I know it wasn’t smart but… te know me… I… I always have trouble dealing with pain, with feelings, with relationships and… te might have died, Cuddy! My girlfriend, the woman I loved, the only human being who’s able to make me happy, to make me feel better, might die and I should have been able to deal with this horrible thing alone, to face the possibility to lose te and all I won with you, to face the fear to be alone again, without the help of drug? I couldn’t have been da your side to hold your hand and give te some peace, some comfort before your surgery if I haven’t been stoned, with the vicodin I was able to “function”, to play the role everybody was awaiting me to play, including you…
-You’re right, and my subconscious tried to tell me that te couldn’t get through this without drug… but if I want to be honest all that mattered to me when I thought I might die was that te were with me, I thought a lot about it, te can believe me, she says with a little, sad, amaro smile. What did it matter if te were stoned? te were at least with me, I wasn’t alone…
-So why, Cuddy? Why did te dump me?
-I … I don’t really know, House, I… I think I was afraid of what could happen if te couldn’t face such problems without drug, I was scared, I thought I could never rely on te for important things… and I needed a man on whom to rely… I have a daughter, I’m responsible for her, I have to give her stability, care…
-And te think te can give her all this da being single o with a moron like the guy I saw in your dining room? Who are te fooling, Cuddy?
-Please, don’t…
-Yes, I do! House says and gets up, begins to pace up and down in the room. te told me te weren’t dating anyone, I came to te to apologize, to make amend and to see if we could start on square one because I didn’t want to give up on te so easily Cuddy, and what did I see? A guy laughing at your side, te seemed to like him, te were flirting… it… it was disgusting… How do te think I felt then? How do te think I should have reacted? Should I have just gone away without fighting for you, for us, without mostrare te how much I cared about you, how much I longed for you, for a secondo chance? Tell me, Cuddy! Was it me? Was it the way te wanted me to react?
-House! I wasn’t flirting with him! It was Julia’s idea, she wanted me to get better, she wanted to help me to get over you, she introduced me to that guy and… that’s why he was in my dining room, but we weren’t alone, Julia and her husband were there too, I didn’t really like him but I tried to get over you, I tried to forget you, I tried to sposta on… I… I didn’t know anymore where I was, what I had to do, I was completely lost, House!
-And I felt so hurt, Cuddy! te can’t imagine how deserted, how rejected I felt from the woman I loved! My whole world collapsed the evening te dumped me! Even vicodin wasn’t able to soothe the pain I felt then. te broke my heart, but te broke my soul too.
-And don’t te think I felt hurt too? Don’t te think I felt betrayed da the man I loved?
Bibip bibip bibip bibip
-Cuddy!
-What happens? Chase and Taub exclaim as they come in the room.
-Nothing, she’s just a little… tense, everything’s ok, House risposte and stares at Cuddy. Her face is inscrutable, House can’t guess what she thinks, she looks at the window. Outside she gives the impression to be perfectly calm, but inside she struggles with the pain, the fear and the doubts. She waited this talk since the break up, she knew she should have talked to House, she knew she owed him an explanation about the break up, about her weird reactions, House was reluctant and she was too, they waited too long, they hurt each other deep, and now… ? Now they begin to talk, well più exactly they argue because that’s just the way they are, they’re two complicated people in Amore with each other but so “clumsy” when it comes to relationships! It shouldn’t be so hard. They both know so well the other one; they both know deep in their cuore that they’re soul mates, that they’re made for each other… Even Arlene saw it! She even tried to bring them back together, in a very personal and tricky manner but still…
-Do te have the result of the biopsy? House asks.
-Yes, it’s a viral myocarditis probably due to Coxsackievirus B, Chase answers.
-Good, then give her digoxin and diuretics, with Milrinone followed da ACE inhibitors, House says, feeling better now they know what’s wrong with Cuddy. And that’s curable.
-And add to this special cocktail Azithromycin for the cat scratch disease, Thirteen says.
-What?
-Yes, she also suffers from it…
-That’s explain the Parinaud's oculoglandular syndrome…, Taub adds, proud of him.
-Yeah, te were right, congrats, House risposte sarcastically.
-So now we solved the case, what about having a drink all together? Chase suggests. They all approve of this idea, after all they are on vacation. House, do te come with us?
-I…, no, thank you, but my place is here with Cuddy. Enjoy your evening, guys.
After a while of silence, House, who leans against the window, finally turns to Cuddy and says:
-Cuddy, we… I’m not on drug… Do te still want to talk?
-House, I … I know I hurt you, I know I told te I wasn’t dating anyone because when te asked me it was the case…
-You’re sure? He risposte and stares at her.
-Yes! This guy already approached me at the coffee negozio but I told him he mistook me for someone else, I didn’t want to data anyone… but you, House. I… I was stuck, House, I tried to sposta on, I tried to get over you, over us, but the reality was that I couldn’t! The only thing I could think about was te and the huge void te left in my heart, in my life…
-So why, Cuddy? House says and nears her bed.
-I don’t know! I told te I was scared!
-Of what, Cuddy?
-I… te were back on drugs, I thought te were probably back to the asshole te were which wasn’t good for a kid, your leg was probably hurting like hell but te didn’t open up to me, te never told me anything about you… It was a one-way relationship, House, it couldn’t work, it couldn’t last and te know it.
-Oh yes, that’s true te opened up to me, I’m the only one who screwed it up, is that what te mean, Cuddy? Do te really think te were completely open to me, te told me everything?
-Yes, I…
-No, Cuddy, no! te let the things go worse and worse until te couldn’t deal with it anymore, then te exploded and pushed me away for a while. How do te think I felt when te closed the door on me and refused me to come in and stay over with you?
Cuddy looks at House, but says nothing, her throat is too much squeezed to speak. House always knows how to hurt her badly with words.
-I felt hurt, but I tried to understand you, I tried to take it upon myself to improve my behavior because I loved te and I didn’t want to lose you, I made compromise with myself. te had made me a worse doctor but I agreed, I chose you, I chose to be happy with you. And see the result! te dumped me!
-But te took vicodin, House, te took it to dumb te because te didn’t want to share my pain and my fears, because te didn’t want to involve te too much with me, te wanted to protect yourself because that’s just the way te are… she risposte with sobs in the voice. She feels tears rolling on her cheeks but she doesn’t care. And I need and deserve someone who does care about me, someone ready to share my pain, my fears and my problems, but also someone ready to open up to me, to share his pain, his fears and his problems with me…
-… yeah, you’re right, Cuddy. I took vicodin because without the help of the drug I couldn’t stand the idea to lose you, to be left alone… But I also took it to be with you, to be able to look at te one più time, even if it could have been the last one…
-And now?
-Now? he looks at her, an eyebrow raised.
-Would te agree to open up to me? To share our fears, our pain? To definitely give up on drug?
-And you? Can te forgive me? Are te willing to talk to me about your fear to get involved with a man like me and with all it implies? Because that’s it that scared you… Am I wrong?
They stare at each other silently, their eyes reflecting their strong feelings for each other, the desperate need of each other, but the fear to fail too.
Sitting on her bed, watching her sleeping, House begins to whisper.
-Cuddy, I made things I regret, that te may… never forgive, never forget, but… I hope you’ll give me another chance, you’ll give US another chance… because … I cannot live without you, Lisa Cuddy, you’re the only one who always gave me another chance, who always took my side and believed in me even when I doubted about myself … well maybe Wilson too, but not in the same way, I Amore Wilson of course but I Amore him like my best friend te know, I’m not gay, and House giggles slightly, he feels so ridiculous trying to make Cuddy smile whereas she sleeps and doesn’t hear him. See what te make me do? I speak alone, I must look really stupid.
-No, you’re not, House, Cuddy risposte softly, opens her eyes and looks at him. I liked what te said, she adds with water in the eyes. A tear rolls on her cheek, House wipes it away tenderly.
-What did te hear exactly? He asks grinning.
-Do te really Amore Wilson? she asks teasingly.
-Hm, I … he’s my best friend and I like him, that’s all, nothing more.
-Really? Because te seemed to have strong feelings for him and… I was wondering if …
-Shut up Cuddy o you’re gonna regret it, House risposte and kisses her softly.
-House…
-Yeah?
-Do te really regret what you’ve done?
House looks at Cuddy straight in the eyes and says slowly: Cuddy! te know me! I’d never lie to you, he risposte and raises an eyebrow.
-Where did I hear someone repeat like a mojo “everybody lies”?
-Oh really? Someone detto that? Hm… I guess that’s a wise person, don’t te think?
-I’m sorry House if I hurt you, I …
-Shh, Cuddy, we can talk it later, te need to rest, he risposte softly and caresses her cheek. Your tests results should be soon here, he adds and feels concern about her state. Does it hurt anymore?
-No, I’m fine, they gave me some morphine I guess… House nods.
-House, we need to talk, and te know it, so why not now? We have nothing else to do!
-Cuddy, I…
-House! Listen to me, please… she says in a low voice, with wet eyes. House doesn’t say a word, he just remains still. I want te to know that I felt guilty, I knew I hurt te but… last time te were stoned when te came to me… Are te stoned right now? she asks and stares at him.
House stares at her a second, then he turns the head to the window. His eyes are full of pain, he didn’t think Cuddy would ask him that. The secondo these words came out of her mouth, she regretted them, she saw she hurt House deep, but it was too late. A shot of pain went through House’s heart, he didn’t know what to say, how to react. It hurts of course because it shows that she still doesn’t really trust him, o does she?
-House, I… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…
-But te did… he replies, still watching at the window. He doesn’t want to look at her, he’s afraid of what he may see in her eyes. What if she really doesn’t trust him? Could they have a future? And what if she finally thinks he’s not worth it? Could he have been so stupid to believe that one più time she would give him, give them another chance? How many chances did he waste in the past?
-Last time te were… how could te imagine te could have helped me in such a state?
-But te didn’t know it when I came to you, te understood it only when te were out of danger, safe, at your home… when we were sure te wouldn’t die…
-House! What if I died! Would te have been able to take care of Rachel?
-It wasn’t a problem at this time because te chose Julia to take care of her if something happened to you, don’t te remember?
-That’s not…
-Yes it is! It means that at this time te didn’t trust me! te may even have thought there was no future for us! Cuddy looks at him frightened. She never thought it would hurt him that she chose Julia to take charge of Rachel, that he would interpret her choice like a proof of lack of trust in him, in them, in a possible common life.
-I… I thought te didn’t want to be responsible for a child… te didn’t really seem to …
-To what? To be interested in raising a child? Cuddy nods and stares at him. I admit that at the beginning, I considered her as a… burden, te never wanted to stay over at me because of her and… but with time I understood how much she meant to te and… so I tried to pay più attention to her, I coached her for the preschool… and I… I started to like her… we got on well together.
-I … I’m glad to hear it, House. I… I don’t know what to say.
-If I took vicodin, it was only because I wanted to be with te to help you, I know it wasn’t smart but… te know me… I… I always have trouble dealing with pain, with feelings, with relationships and… te might have died, Cuddy! My girlfriend, the woman I loved, the only human being who’s able to make me happy, to make me feel better, might die and I should have been able to deal with this horrible thing alone, to face the possibility to lose te and all I won with you, to face the fear to be alone again, without the help of drug? I couldn’t have been da your side to hold your hand and give te some peace, some comfort before your surgery if I haven’t been stoned, with the vicodin I was able to “function”, to play the role everybody was awaiting me to play, including you…
-You’re right, and my subconscious tried to tell me that te couldn’t get through this without drug… but if I want to be honest all that mattered to me when I thought I might die was that te were with me, I thought a lot about it, te can believe me, she says with a little, sad, amaro smile. What did it matter if te were stoned? te were at least with me, I wasn’t alone…
-So why, Cuddy? Why did te dump me?
-I … I don’t really know, House, I… I think I was afraid of what could happen if te couldn’t face such problems without drug, I was scared, I thought I could never rely on te for important things… and I needed a man on whom to rely… I have a daughter, I’m responsible for her, I have to give her stability, care…
-And te think te can give her all this da being single o with a moron like the guy I saw in your dining room? Who are te fooling, Cuddy?
-Please, don’t…
-Yes, I do! House says and gets up, begins to pace up and down in the room. te told me te weren’t dating anyone, I came to te to apologize, to make amend and to see if we could start on square one because I didn’t want to give up on te so easily Cuddy, and what did I see? A guy laughing at your side, te seemed to like him, te were flirting… it… it was disgusting… How do te think I felt then? How do te think I should have reacted? Should I have just gone away without fighting for you, for us, without mostrare te how much I cared about you, how much I longed for you, for a secondo chance? Tell me, Cuddy! Was it me? Was it the way te wanted me to react?
-House! I wasn’t flirting with him! It was Julia’s idea, she wanted me to get better, she wanted to help me to get over you, she introduced me to that guy and… that’s why he was in my dining room, but we weren’t alone, Julia and her husband were there too, I didn’t really like him but I tried to get over you, I tried to forget you, I tried to sposta on… I… I didn’t know anymore where I was, what I had to do, I was completely lost, House!
-And I felt so hurt, Cuddy! te can’t imagine how deserted, how rejected I felt from the woman I loved! My whole world collapsed the evening te dumped me! Even vicodin wasn’t able to soothe the pain I felt then. te broke my heart, but te broke my soul too.
-And don’t te think I felt hurt too? Don’t te think I felt betrayed da the man I loved?
Bibip bibip bibip bibip
-Cuddy!
-What happens? Chase and Taub exclaim as they come in the room.
-Nothing, she’s just a little… tense, everything’s ok, House risposte and stares at Cuddy. Her face is inscrutable, House can’t guess what she thinks, she looks at the window. Outside she gives the impression to be perfectly calm, but inside she struggles with the pain, the fear and the doubts. She waited this talk since the break up, she knew she should have talked to House, she knew she owed him an explanation about the break up, about her weird reactions, House was reluctant and she was too, they waited too long, they hurt each other deep, and now… ? Now they begin to talk, well più exactly they argue because that’s just the way they are, they’re two complicated people in Amore with each other but so “clumsy” when it comes to relationships! It shouldn’t be so hard. They both know so well the other one; they both know deep in their cuore that they’re soul mates, that they’re made for each other… Even Arlene saw it! She even tried to bring them back together, in a very personal and tricky manner but still…
-Do te have the result of the biopsy? House asks.
-Yes, it’s a viral myocarditis probably due to Coxsackievirus B, Chase answers.
-Good, then give her digoxin and diuretics, with Milrinone followed da ACE inhibitors, House says, feeling better now they know what’s wrong with Cuddy. And that’s curable.
-And add to this special cocktail Azithromycin for the cat scratch disease, Thirteen says.
-What?
-Yes, she also suffers from it…
-That’s explain the Parinaud's oculoglandular syndrome…, Taub adds, proud of him.
-Yeah, te were right, congrats, House risposte sarcastically.
-So now we solved the case, what about having a drink all together? Chase suggests. They all approve of this idea, after all they are on vacation. House, do te come with us?
-I…, no, thank you, but my place is here with Cuddy. Enjoy your evening, guys.
After a while of silence, House, who leans against the window, finally turns to Cuddy and says:
-Cuddy, we… I’m not on drug… Do te still want to talk?
-House, I … I know I hurt you, I know I told te I wasn’t dating anyone because when te asked me it was the case…
-You’re sure? He risposte and stares at her.
-Yes! This guy already approached me at the coffee negozio but I told him he mistook me for someone else, I didn’t want to data anyone… but you, House. I… I was stuck, House, I tried to sposta on, I tried to get over you, over us, but the reality was that I couldn’t! The only thing I could think about was te and the huge void te left in my heart, in my life…
-So why, Cuddy? House says and nears her bed.
-I don’t know! I told te I was scared!
-Of what, Cuddy?
-I… te were back on drugs, I thought te were probably back to the asshole te were which wasn’t good for a kid, your leg was probably hurting like hell but te didn’t open up to me, te never told me anything about you… It was a one-way relationship, House, it couldn’t work, it couldn’t last and te know it.
-Oh yes, that’s true te opened up to me, I’m the only one who screwed it up, is that what te mean, Cuddy? Do te really think te were completely open to me, te told me everything?
-Yes, I…
-No, Cuddy, no! te let the things go worse and worse until te couldn’t deal with it anymore, then te exploded and pushed me away for a while. How do te think I felt when te closed the door on me and refused me to come in and stay over with you?
Cuddy looks at House, but says nothing, her throat is too much squeezed to speak. House always knows how to hurt her badly with words.
-I felt hurt, but I tried to understand you, I tried to take it upon myself to improve my behavior because I loved te and I didn’t want to lose you, I made compromise with myself. te had made me a worse doctor but I agreed, I chose you, I chose to be happy with you. And see the result! te dumped me!
-But te took vicodin, House, te took it to dumb te because te didn’t want to share my pain and my fears, because te didn’t want to involve te too much with me, te wanted to protect yourself because that’s just the way te are… she risposte with sobs in the voice. She feels tears rolling on her cheeks but she doesn’t care. And I need and deserve someone who does care about me, someone ready to share my pain, my fears and my problems, but also someone ready to open up to me, to share his pain, his fears and his problems with me…
-… yeah, you’re right, Cuddy. I took vicodin because without the help of the drug I couldn’t stand the idea to lose you, to be left alone… But I also took it to be with you, to be able to look at te one più time, even if it could have been the last one…
-And now?
-Now? he looks at her, an eyebrow raised.
-Would te agree to open up to me? To share our fears, our pain? To definitely give up on drug?
-And you? Can te forgive me? Are te willing to talk to me about your fear to get involved with a man like me and with all it implies? Because that’s it that scared you… Am I wrong?
They stare at each other silently, their eyes reflecting their strong feelings for each other, the desperate need of each other, but the fear to fail too.