It had been almost 4 months since the night she had walked into my bathroom. On the floor with vicodin in hand I felt like I had Lost everything and doing the right thing was not getting me anywhere.
The night had started out at that tragic sight. A gru had collapsed on a building in Trenton. There were still so many people unaccounted for. As we arrived I could hardly believe my eyes. They had reached the gru operator and pulled him from the wreakage and he was on his way to Princeton where my team awaited him.
Cuddy had been recitazione strange and I was trying to find out what was going on. I made a call to Wilson to see if there was trouble in paradise.
Then there came a clanging from somewhere. As I was trying to figure out where it was coming from I yelled to the crew that someone was down there. As they came over to cerca they didn’t hear anything. I knew I had heard something. I saw a sprinkler pipe and took my cane and beat up against the pipe and it was the same noise.
Is anyone down there? I know I heard something. This is such a small space. Maybe I should go back. What am I doing? What the h…? How am I going to get through here? Why am I doing this? I should just turn around and go back. There she was and as she grabbed my cane it startled me. I heard her say help me. Her leg is trapped and I can’t lift the beam and I can’t pull her out. I have got to get help. I know te are scared but I have to get help.
I finally get back out of the hole and reach some people to get down there to help. ForH annah a connection was made with me. I begin looking for Cuddy again because I have to find out what is going on.
As I approach her I want her to tell me she broke up with Lucas. I want her to give me a chance. But the words that rolled from her lips were anything but wha tI had imagined.
“I am getting married House.” The words were loosely penetrating my cerebral cortex. No! te can't marry him Cuddy. te Amore me I detto to myself. I know te do.
Hannah’s situation is slowly escalated all night and they don’t know how long they can keep this building sured up and amputation was being considered. I would have argued to the death against the amputation.
They made one più desperate try to lift the beam but it caused another collapse and the debris flew and came close to an artery on my shoulder. Hannah I’ve got to go. I’ll be back.
As the worker approached he detto we needed to get Hannah out and that required amputation. Cuddy continued arguing with me and i was arguing back.
”I know you're angry, but please don't put her life at risk just to get back at me House.
~House: Really? (standing up and towering over her) Wow. So this is all about te now.
~Cuddy: te took her side against me right after te heard about my engagement.
~House: Yeah. That must be it. It's not that you're a pathetic narcissist.
~Cuddy: I don't Amore you. So just... accept it and sposta on with your life instead of making everyone miserable.
~House: That's great. A life lesson from a middle-age single mom who's dating a man-child.
~Cuddy: Screw you. I'm sick of making excuses for you. I'm sick of other people having to tiptoe around te and make their own lives worse while they try to keep te from collapsing. I'm done. (She walks away from him)
~House: (calling after her) Fantastic. Just stay away from my patient.
~Cuddy: (turning around and coming back toward him) What are te clinging to, House? You're going to risk her life just to save her leg? Really worked out well for you, didn't it? What do te have in your life honestly? Tell me. I'm moving on. Wilson is moving on. And you... You've got nothing, House, nothing. I'm going down there, and I'm going to convince her to let me cut her leg off. If te have any decency left, you'll stay out of it.
"She doesn't Amore me." It felt like a coltello had been run through me. "She’s right. It didn’t work out well for me." I have nothing. All those years I had wanted to be with her and I had really finally Lost her. I had punished her and taken advantage of her and she had finally had enough. I can’t let her do that amputation. It would haunt her forever. The only thing I have is medicine.
As I went down in the hole I talked to Hannah. I told her that I made the wrong choice that the doctors had to do a risky surgery because I wanted my leg. I am in pain every day. It made me a harder person and a worse person. I am alone. te don’t want to be like me.
Cuddy I saw the release in your eyes and the tear slid down your cheek. I had hurt te so much over the years. I had detto so many cruel things. Why couldn’t I just tell te that I was sorry and that I wanted to be with you? Why couldn't I just say those words? No it was too late.
I will take care of Hannah. I have got this. For all the pain te have suffered at my hands maybe I can take a little of it of from your shoulders this time.
I grasped Hannah’s hand as she asked me hw bad it would hurt and I told her it would hurt like nothing she had ever felt before. I can still hear her screaming. That saw cutting through the Bones in her leg. I think I will always hear her screaming.
"In those ashes I made my choice to let te know that I was wrong and that all those years I was a jerk. I set te free from the guilt and the responsibility of fixing me and keeping me from hurting myself. When I shut those doors on the ambulanza and I looked into your eyes I knew te were gone and any chance I might have had to be with te was gone."
In the ambulanza ride to the hospital it really began to set in. She is engaged to Lucas. I had really Lost you. te are getting married.
“I don’t Amore you.” The words kept repeating in my head cutting deeper each time.
"I’m moving on."
"Screw you."
"I am sick of making excuses for you."
She didn’t believe in me anymore and she wasn’t going to put her cuore out there to be walked on da me anymore.
Then the EMT shouted the words, “her blood pressure is dropping."
Hannah began struggling to get her breath. She couldn’t breathe. I thought it was a clot but as I tried to bust it I found it wasn’t a clot. I fell back. Oh no!! I looked at her almost pleading but there was nobody there for me to plead to. It was a fat embolism and there was nothing I could do. "Oh Hannah", as te looked at me I could hardly hold back my anger and frustration.
"Oh Hannah I am so sorry."
I had broken my own rules about making connections with patients and I had gave te false hope. I had told te that the amputation was the only way to save your life and now te were looking up at me as if to tell me te knew I had done everything I could. All I could do was watch te take your last breath. Everything I touch I destroy.
"I sat there for a while inside the ambulanza as Foreman tried to help but there was just no way to help me. The entire night sinking in to my brain. I had Lost everything that I had been working so hard to gain. I had tried to prove myself worthy only to find out I wasn't worthy of anything. I had done everything right and I still had nothing."
Foreman is following me through the hospital into the lobby still trying to help me but I was far beyond any help.
I had followed Dr. Nolan’s consigli to the letter and I still had nothing. Well not quite nothing, I had one più thing. I had always been able to depend on the………….
I got on my bike and I left the hospital. She is marrying Lucas. Wilson is moving in with Sam and I my patient is dead. più loss in one night then I could take. I can't take this anymore.
As I arrived at the apartment I had fixed a hole in the bacheca behind the mirror in the bathroom years fa in case something happened and I couldn’t get any pills. I stood there looking in the mirror for any reason not to take this pain away and on the verge of completely breaking down. The struggle of being clean for a anno ripping at my cuore and the desire to have something to take away the pain and the loss I had suffered tonight taunting me, tearing at my soul. I jerked the mirror off the bacheca and threw it into the bathtub shattering it into pieces. There, in the hole was the crutch I had depended on for almost several years of my life. I had left one crutch (in the form of my cane and all my excuses) in the hole underground that night now just to be reaching out for the another. I had freed the people I had imprisoned for so many years. I grabbed the bottles and fell to the floor. My hands were shaking and water filling my eyes as I opened the bottle and poured two vicodin in my hand. Go ahead, take them, te tried, te still have nothing, take them! It will make the pain go away.
My hand started upward and then I saw her shadow and I looked at her wondering if she really was there. Are te going to leap across the room and jerk them out of my hand? As te began talking I still wasn’t sure te were there. I was listening but still not sure that this was real. Did I really hear te say te had broke it off with Lucas? What?! Did te really say that? Are te really here? Did te really say that te loved me? As I held his hand up youhelped me up. Am I hallucinating this. Are te really here?
I leaned down and softly brushed your lips across yours. te feel real but I pulled back to make sure that I wasn’t hallucinating.
How do I know I am not hallucinating?
“Did te take the vicodin” te asked me?
“As I looked in my hand the vicodin were still there.” I threw them down as I moved in closer to te and leaned down and I abandoned all thinking and all logic and I deepened my baciare this time.
“I need to change the bandage” I thought I heard te say.
“It’ll wait.” I need to be close to te I thought to myself. I was too tired to hide my feelings anymore. I was afraid to let te in but I was più afraid of letting te walk away out of my arms o out of my life. As te touched my chest I leaned into you. Your hand sent waves of electricity through every part of me. Being in the room with te always made me feel a little funny. Earlier that night I thought I had Lost you. Now te were standing just inches away from me. Softly my lips met yours again and I brushed my lips back and forth across yours as the honesty of the moment was overwhelming for us both. I could barely breathe o get my bearings. The feel of te unlike anything I had ever felt. The moment was raw and like two battle worn soldiers as our hands and fingers interlocked the baciare deepened. There were no words and not really any actions that could describe the emotions that were pouring out of my soul.
te pulled away and led me to the bedroom. te helped me take my giacca off and te checked the wound. As te undressed me te washed me with a cloth and when te came to the scar te embraced all that we had been through as the healing began for us both. For a moment it was più than I could take in but as te looked into my eyes all my fears melted with your words and as I pulled te back up I had never known a Amore as faithful as what te had dato me for so long. As I lowered my head and my lips met with yours again I drank te in like water for someone dying of thirst.
te were a dream, a fantasy, and before this moment I thought te were out of my reach.
When I picked te up as much as it hurt I wanted te to know I would never let te fall again. I will go through the pain and the fear that rest deep inside my soul to be with you. Inside te that night I couldn't get close enough.
And now here we are 4 months later and te have just forgiven me again. Maybe te just needed to hear an apology because of all the times I didn’t say it. I lied to te about a case and although I didn’t think I was wrong I knew te were upset and for the first time in my life I needed te più than I needed to be right. più than needing to make my point I needed you.
te are opening your beautiful stormy gray eyes and as I brush your hair behind your ear I look at your beautiful face and I still find it hard to believe that you’re here. I promise te I am learning from my mistakes.
Cuddy I Amore te for what I am when I am with te and for the man te make me want to be. te loved me long enough and strong enough until I could no longer be without you. One giorno I will tell te this but for now these words are the ones that come from my lips:
"Are te planning on sleeping all day." No one needs this much beauty sleep. I couldn't be with te if te were that ugly.
Shut-up House.
As I lean down to baciare te your beauty washes over me and after 20 years te still take my breath away.
Luddy
