[The Simpsons] 1F02 - Homer Goes To College #255
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the cappuccio #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the cappuccio #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach te how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, te don't have a son.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught da the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An elefante #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An elefante #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's Cibo bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An elefante #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the elefante twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. furgone, van Houten: Yes, but we paid te $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 più that te owe me.
Mr. furgone, van Houten: Get off our property.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An elefante #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't te people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If te can tell me why I shouldn't fuoco te without using the letter "E", te can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: te will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a descrizione of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. te know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosauri weren't just confined to zoos!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want te stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minuto [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F22 - limone of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if te get lost, te can always find east da staring directly at the sun.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't te have some other type of party, one where te don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people Amore meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. te don't win Friends with salad.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, te can either get up o go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 minuti to sposta your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 minuti to sposta your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do te have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because te are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had da all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire cucina is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed da Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would te like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once più for money.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed da mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartuccia Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, o a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartuccia Family #253
Salesman: But surely te can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartuccia Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartuccia Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will te be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe te have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last mese when I paid back that loan? Well now I need te to do a favor for me.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping o mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I Amore Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my Amore life have been without it?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss te so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the Cibo preparation.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will te stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded da Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: te won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed da mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: volpe Broadcasting, down 8.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. o it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do te need a paperweight? 'Cause if te buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are te sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if te were, I'd have to ask te to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course te were.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are te holding me here? I want risposte now, o I want them eventually!
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a pantera leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - tennis The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips o anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't te worry about a thing. [turns on a birra tap, spilling the birra onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are te doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy birra from you.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, te don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: te don't like me? I like you.
Moe: te do? Then I like te too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. o very far. And if te drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few più details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no Cibo will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about te and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the anno end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each giorno like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I detto bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed da gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask te to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, te still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the fuoco first!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did te let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that te read it and tell me what te think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! te help me, and I in-turn am helped da you.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If te Amore the Bible so much, why don't te marry it? In fact, I now pronounce te and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - baciare Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the università of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: te ignorant American! te have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do te really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey te are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with te I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, te know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all te circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any dato Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the cappuccio #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the cappuccio #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach te how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, te don't have a son.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught da the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An elefante #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An elefante #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's Cibo bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An elefante #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the elefante twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. furgone, van Houten: Yes, but we paid te $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 più that te owe me.
Mr. furgone, van Houten: Get off our property.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An elefante #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't te people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If te can tell me why I shouldn't fuoco te without using the letter "E", te can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: te will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a descrizione of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. te know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosauri weren't just confined to zoos!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want te stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minuto [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
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[The Simpsons] 2F22 - limone of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if te get lost, te can always find east da staring directly at the sun.
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[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't te have some other type of party, one where te don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people Amore meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. te don't win Friends with salad.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, te can either get up o go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 minuti to sposta your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 minuti to sposta your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do te have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because te are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had da all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire cucina is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed da Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would te like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once più for money.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed da mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartuccia Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, o a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartuccia Family #253
Salesman: But surely te can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartuccia Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
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[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartuccia Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will te be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe te have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last mese when I paid back that loan? Well now I need te to do a favor for me.
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[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping o mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I Amore Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my Amore life have been without it?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss te so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the Cibo preparation.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will te stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded da Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: te won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed da mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: volpe Broadcasting, down 8.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. o it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do te need a paperweight? 'Cause if te buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are te sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if te were, I'd have to ask te to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course te were.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are te holding me here? I want risposte now, o I want them eventually!
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a pantera leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - tennis The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips o anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't te worry about a thing. [turns on a birra tap, spilling the birra onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are te doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy birra from you.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, te don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: te don't like me? I like you.
Moe: te do? Then I like te too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. o very far. And if te drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few più details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no Cibo will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
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[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about te and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the anno end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each giorno like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I detto bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed da gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask te to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, te still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the fuoco first!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did te let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that te read it and tell me what te think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! te help me, and I in-turn am helped da you.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If te Amore the Bible so much, why don't te marry it? In fact, I now pronounce te and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - baciare Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the università of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: te ignorant American! te have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do te really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey te are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with te I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, te know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed da sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all te circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any dato Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed da funnytvquotes.com
1) Pay the ring bearer a dollar to pick his/her nose during the ceremony.
2) Laugh hysterically the whole time while the vows are being said.
3) Pay the fiore girl a dollar to heap the petals on the floor, and walk in front of the bride with the basket on her head.
4) Play a heavy metal song in your portable CD player during the procession. Make sure te disabled the piano/organ first.
5) Walk around, handing other guests copies of embarrassing pictures of your cousin, who is the one getting married.
6) Get your best friend to call te repeatedly during the ceremony. Make sure te set your ringtone to an irritating tone.
7) Paint yourself purple for the occasion.
8) "Trip" and spill Cioccolato fondue all over the bride.
9) Put a "kick me, I'm making a stupid sposta da getting married" sign on the groom's back.
10) "Invite" a pit bull.
2) Laugh hysterically the whole time while the vows are being said.
3) Pay the fiore girl a dollar to heap the petals on the floor, and walk in front of the bride with the basket on her head.
4) Play a heavy metal song in your portable CD player during the procession. Make sure te disabled the piano/organ first.
5) Walk around, handing other guests copies of embarrassing pictures of your cousin, who is the one getting married.
6) Get your best friend to call te repeatedly during the ceremony. Make sure te set your ringtone to an irritating tone.
7) Paint yourself purple for the occasion.
8) "Trip" and spill Cioccolato fondue all over the bride.
9) Put a "kick me, I'm making a stupid sposta da getting married" sign on the groom's back.
10) "Invite" a pit bull.
#9 Have one of your Friends hit te on the back and spit out a piece of white gum o a tic-tak, this will make people think they broke your tooth.
#8 Go to the mall and ask people if they have change for the payphone. Don't stop until te have $20 o more.
#7 If te have to write a story for English class, write: Once upon a time, The end, and turn it in.
#6 After a lesson, if the teacher ask if there are any questions, ask something completely randon like "Where do bambini come from?"
#5 If the teacher leaves during the middle of a movie, get up and change the channel to Spongebob o Musica videos.
#4 Go around Canto the Free Credit Report.com songs.
#3 Go around hitting people on the head and say: "Could've had a v8."
#2 Get a bra and use it to shoot eggs at people.
#1 When the intercom comes on, drop to your knees and yell, "NO! It's those voices again!