There are certain rules of survival in horror movies. The movie Scream had some rules, but they weren’t very useful. Our rules are much better and teach te exactly how to survive a horror movie.
Don’t walk around saying “Hello?” like the killer is going to reply “Yeah I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”
If someone says “Oh yeah, that’s the house where Old Man Jenkins was murdered” then it’s time to sposta house.
If your friend gets bitten da a zombie and says “Maybe I wont turn into one”, kill him. Better sicuro, cassetta di sicurezza than sorry.
Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don’t go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don’t drop it. Car? Won’t start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die.
If something licks your hand in the darkness, it’s not your dog. Your dog is dead.
Stay away from places like Amityville, Haddonfield, Camp Crystal Lake, Elm strada, via and the entire state of Maine.
If you’re running around completely naked, te might as well just murder yourself.
Don’t be black. For some reason, in horror movies, black people are usually the first to die.
If te are annoying o a wise-ass, te will die before the black guy.
If te are a hot blond girl with big boobs, te will die before the annoying guy and the black guy.
If te open the door and there is a man standing there, holding an axe, he didn’t come to chop firewood.
Never go to the toilet alone. If needs be, poop your pants. It’s much safer.
If te see a clown, RUN. That clown isn’t hanging around to make te some balloon animals!
Leave slow o clumsy Friends behind. Every man for himself. Somebody’s got to live to tell the story.
Don’t diviso, spalato up and look for clues. Everything te learned from Scooby-Doo is wrong.
te know that creepy clown statue upstairs that is freaking te out? Well it’s not a statue.
Never say “I’ll be right back” because te won’t be right back.
When you’re walking around a spooky old house, at least try turning the lights on!
If you’re running from the killer, you’re going to trip and fall down at least twice. più if you’re a girl.
If te trip and fall, don’t lay there with the “Ow it hurts” face. Get up and continue running!
If the killer is chasing you, te don’t have to run fast. Just faster than your friends.
No matter how fast te run, the killer will always be right behind o in front of you, despite the fact that he is shuffling along at a slower and più dramatic pace.
On a stormy night, te will find an open window that te were sure was locked. It didn’t magically unlock itself!
Whatever te do, remember that the killer will never forget what te did last Summer.
If you’re pointing a gun at the killer, don’t say “If te sposta I’ll shoot! I’m serious!” Just shoot him already!
Just lay down on the floor and pretend to be dead. Hey, it works for bears… doesn’t it?
Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.
If te see something moving, hit it with a baseball bat… even if it turns out to be your friend. swing first, say sorry later.
Listen to the consigli of all the people in the movie theater who are yelling at the screen!
Don’t trot round the house shouting, “Hey! is anybody there?” Of course there’s somebody there, dummy!
Never take a shower. Killers Amore showers. Anyway, sweaty people are slippery and harder to catch.
If you’re a girl, get a boyfriend. He’ll be horribly murdered in front of you, but at least you’ll live.
If te hear weird noises, don’t go to investigate. You’re not Dora the Explorer.
Stay out of the library. It’s one of the worst places to hide. Seriously, it’s like a labyrinth of getting murdered. Do te realize how easy it is for a killer to hide behind a bookcase?
If you’ve beaten the killer into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up o otherwise destroy him.
If somebody claims that there’s nothing wrong, something is horribly, horribly wrong.
If you’re asked to babysit during a storm, on Halloween, on Friday the 13th o during a full moon, just say “Sorry, no can do”.
Don’t pick up hitchhikers and don’t hitchhike. If te do both, then the worst case scenario is: te could end up picking yourself up and murdering yourself.
If one of your Friends is injured, leave them behind. Even if it’s just a skinned knee. That qualifies as an injury. Leave them.
If te friend gets shot, don’t, under any circumstances, do CPR. This will only make them die faster!
Always have your keys at the ready. te don’t want to be fumbling in your bag going “Oh where are they I’m sure I have them here somewhere”, while the killer closes in.
Drips are never good. If te hear a dripping sound, it’s blood. Likewise, if te hear a clang, it’s a meat cleaver and if te hear a thunk, it’s a severed head.
If there is a scary legend, believe it. It’s real. It doesn’t matter of the legend says the killer has an cipolla for a head o a orso trap for a mouth. It’s real and he’s coming for te tonight.
If someone says “It’s just the wind, guys. Everything’s fine. Stop overreacting”, te should reply “Yeah well I hope I won’t overreact when you’re dead and stuffed beneath the floorboards”.
Avoid screaming, crying, whispering, panting, wheezing o breathing heavily when you’re trying to hide. Killers are not deaf.
Never bend down to spit out your toothpaste. When te come back up, there’ll be someone standing behind te in the mirror.
Don’t go to places with weird names like Terror Lake, Hell Hollow, Devil’s Den, Screamerville, Skull Valley, Dead Man’s Crossing, Spook Hill, Ghost Creek, Bloody Springs o Slaughter Beach.
Never go downstairs to check out a weird noise. Especially not in your underwear.
If your Friends go to check out a strange noise and don’t return, don’t go looking for them. Just make new friends.
If your son starts telling te “I see dead people”, put him up for adoption!
If you’re babysitting a kid and they tell te they saw someone scary at the window, tell them to stand at the window and wave while te go hide.
If your running from zombies and your friend trips, don’t worry. Leave them and say “I’ll see te again when you’re a zombie”
DO NOT hide where te obviously could be SEEN… like BEHIND a LAMP! *idiot*
This is the 21st Century. te have a cell phone. Why does nobody in horror Film call 911?
If you’re black, stay away from white people. They’re too curious – always checking out noises and getting killed.
Have a fat friend. They will come in useful. If te run into the killer, te can use them as a human shield.
When te hear the Musica change to “ch, ch, ch, ch…ah, ah, ah, ah”, you’re as good as dead.
If te and your Friends are running from the killer, trip up your friends. te can always make new friends, but there’s only one you.
If te are babysitting and the phone rings, don’t answer it. Just go home and let the kids fend for themselves.
Always check the back sede, sedile of the car. 9 out of 10 times, the killer will be crouched there going “Aw dude te caught me!”
If te come to a deserted town, it’s probably been deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
If you’re not sure who’s the killer and who’s an innocent person, shoot them all and let God sort them out.
If te see something mutating, don’t stand there with your “OMFG” face and wait for it to finish mutating. Kill it with fuoco and get the hell outta there.
I’m a leader not a follower… but if we’re going into a haunted house… you’re going first.
If some idiot in the group says “Let’s diviso, spalato up”, tell him “OK te go that way, the rest of us will go this way”
Never under any circumstances run upstairs if te are being chased. Once te get upstairs, there’s nowhere left to go.
If you’re hiding from the killer, put your phone on silent.
make sure the killer is dead. if the killer isn’t dead they will just keep coming back like team rocket.
OK under the letto is not a real hiding spot. What self-respecting killer WOULDN’T check under the bed.
If your BestFriendForever trips and falls and screams “Don’t leave me!”, change their friendship status to BestFriendForNever.
If te find your friend stabbed 78 times and lying in a pool of blood, dont go “OMG what happened?” te KNOW what happened.
The killer never dies the first time. Wait until he gets up, then kill him again.
when te find your friend stabbed 78 times dont comfort her. Run! She’s gonna die anyway.
When you’re driving at night and te hit someone, don’t stop to see if they’re OK.
Hide in the fridge. Killers don’t get hungry and stop for munchies during a murder spree.
Never look behind te while running away. When te look back, the killer will be standing in front of you.
Make sure your car has a full tank of gas and your cell phone is fully charged.
Whenever a puppet o doll turns to te and says “Let’s play”, it doesn’t REALLY want to play.
If te knock on the door of a creepy old house and it opens da itself, don’t go inside.
If objects in your house become possessed and start attacking you, don’t run into the kitchen. That’s where the knives are.
If te hear a little girl Canto a nursery rhyme, say “Feet don’t fail me now!” and start running.
Don’t stop at a gas station and ask the creepy old man for directions. He’s not going to help you.
After te shoot the killer, don’t drop your gun.
If someone hands te a videotape and says “If te watch this te will die in 7 days”, don’t break out the popcorn.
If te see something weird, tell someone. Don’t just go “Oh, I must be imagining things.”
There is a killer in town and the police have asked us to give te the following safety tips. Stay in well-lit areas, do not travel alone whenever possible, always wipe front to back.
Never get into a car. It will either not start, break down, run out of gas o te will lose the keys. Either way, the killer will be hiding in the back seat.
If a policeman arrives, don’t get your hopes up. He will be killed just before he reaches you.
Find a good hiding place and STAY THERE. If the killer can’t see o hear you, WHY WOULD te MOVE?
If te are buying a house and the real estate agent is all like “well, yeah, full disclosure – there were some murders that happened here”, buy a different house.
If te hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate. The killer is there. Also your dog is dead.
Never attempt to pull off the killer’s mask. te won’t like what te see.
Never assume the killer is dead. Shoot him, stab him, chop off his arms, legs and head, then burn the pieces and put them out with holy water. If possible, rocket his charred remains into space. Even then, he probably won’t be dead.
If te have any history of mental illness, te will discover at the end of the movie that te were the killer all along.
If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism. sposta very very far away. Because there’s blood on your walls. Blood! On your walls! Your walls are bleeding!
Never baciare your boyfriend o girlfriend. Smooching couples are a magnet for deranged serial killers.
Never yell things like “It’s over now” o “We made it”. That guarantees that it’s not over and te won’t make it.
If te spot a weird dude in your garden holding a chainsaw, he is not there to trim your hedges.
Don’t get drunk o do drugs. Escaping from a killer is much harder when you’re stumbling around and Canto to yourself.
If you’re going on vacation, Google the name of the area. If the first five cerca results are news stories about Missing Persons, take a holiday somewhere else.
Don’t go outside just because te hear a noise. That’s like coming out and saying “Here I am! I’m ready to be murdered now!”
Protect yourself. Find a weapon. Gun, knife, chainsaw = weapons. Umbrella, mop, lamp = not weapons.
Don’t drink alcohol o do drugs. Killers in horror Film have an extra-special hatred of drunk o stoned teenagers.
If your Dad goes insane and starts hacking down your bedroom door with an axe, don’t try to reason with him. Jump out the window.
Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don’t go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don’t drop it. Car? Won’t start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die.
If te hear a scary noise and find out that it’s just the cat, the successivo scary noise te hear won’t be just the cat.
If one of your arms o legs gets chopped off, don’t let it get te down. Later on, te may be able to replace it with a chainsaw o machine gun.
Don’t sacrifice yourself to save someone else. Usually the person te saved will die anyway.
If te see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s just one of your Friends playing a prank on you.
If your parents murdered a serial killer years ago, the killer will return to murder you. Strangely, he will leave your parents alone.
If your girlfriend is a hot cheerleader, dump her for the weird chick that nobody likes. Weird chicks never get killed, cheerleaders always die.
A good strategy is to say “No! Kill me instead!” That way, the killer will leave te alone and murder everbody else. Reverse psychology.
Don’t make Friends with rednecks o hillbillies unless te want to be down on all fours, squealing like a pig.
Never make a plan, because your plan will take into account everything that could possibly happen, except for the one thing that actually happens.
If te throw away a doll and come home to find it waiting for you, immediately leave the country. There is no other way to get rid of it.
If the calls are coming from inside the house, get outside the house.
When te find a strange weapon, immediately grab it. Later on, this will be the only weapon capable of killing the monster.
If te are shooting at a monster with a big gun and it has no effect, don’t take out a smaller gun and start shooting.
If a girl with long black hair starts crawling out of your TV, hit the OFF button on the remote before she gets all the way out.
If you’re being chased da a killer and te meet one of your Friends and they ask “what’s wrong?”, don’t stop to explain. Just shout “Cantstoptotalkkillerchasingmeseeyoulater” as te pass by.
If all else fails, make Friends with the villain and help him kill everyone else. If te can’t beat ‘em, unisciti ‘em.
A lista da Scary For Kids. Link here:
link
Don’t walk around saying “Hello?” like the killer is going to reply “Yeah I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”
If someone says “Oh yeah, that’s the house where Old Man Jenkins was murdered” then it’s time to sposta house.
If your friend gets bitten da a zombie and says “Maybe I wont turn into one”, kill him. Better sicuro, cassetta di sicurezza than sorry.
Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don’t go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don’t drop it. Car? Won’t start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die.
If something licks your hand in the darkness, it’s not your dog. Your dog is dead.
Stay away from places like Amityville, Haddonfield, Camp Crystal Lake, Elm strada, via and the entire state of Maine.
If you’re running around completely naked, te might as well just murder yourself.
Don’t be black. For some reason, in horror movies, black people are usually the first to die.
If te are annoying o a wise-ass, te will die before the black guy.
If te are a hot blond girl with big boobs, te will die before the annoying guy and the black guy.
If te open the door and there is a man standing there, holding an axe, he didn’t come to chop firewood.
Never go to the toilet alone. If needs be, poop your pants. It’s much safer.
If te see a clown, RUN. That clown isn’t hanging around to make te some balloon animals!
Leave slow o clumsy Friends behind. Every man for himself. Somebody’s got to live to tell the story.
Don’t diviso, spalato up and look for clues. Everything te learned from Scooby-Doo is wrong.
te know that creepy clown statue upstairs that is freaking te out? Well it’s not a statue.
Never say “I’ll be right back” because te won’t be right back.
When you’re walking around a spooky old house, at least try turning the lights on!
If you’re running from the killer, you’re going to trip and fall down at least twice. più if you’re a girl.
If te trip and fall, don’t lay there with the “Ow it hurts” face. Get up and continue running!
If the killer is chasing you, te don’t have to run fast. Just faster than your friends.
No matter how fast te run, the killer will always be right behind o in front of you, despite the fact that he is shuffling along at a slower and più dramatic pace.
On a stormy night, te will find an open window that te were sure was locked. It didn’t magically unlock itself!
Whatever te do, remember that the killer will never forget what te did last Summer.
If you’re pointing a gun at the killer, don’t say “If te sposta I’ll shoot! I’m serious!” Just shoot him already!
Just lay down on the floor and pretend to be dead. Hey, it works for bears… doesn’t it?
Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.
If te see something moving, hit it with a baseball bat… even if it turns out to be your friend. swing first, say sorry later.
Listen to the consigli of all the people in the movie theater who are yelling at the screen!
Don’t trot round the house shouting, “Hey! is anybody there?” Of course there’s somebody there, dummy!
Never take a shower. Killers Amore showers. Anyway, sweaty people are slippery and harder to catch.
If you’re a girl, get a boyfriend. He’ll be horribly murdered in front of you, but at least you’ll live.
If te hear weird noises, don’t go to investigate. You’re not Dora the Explorer.
Stay out of the library. It’s one of the worst places to hide. Seriously, it’s like a labyrinth of getting murdered. Do te realize how easy it is for a killer to hide behind a bookcase?
If you’ve beaten the killer into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up o otherwise destroy him.
If somebody claims that there’s nothing wrong, something is horribly, horribly wrong.
If you’re asked to babysit during a storm, on Halloween, on Friday the 13th o during a full moon, just say “Sorry, no can do”.
Don’t pick up hitchhikers and don’t hitchhike. If te do both, then the worst case scenario is: te could end up picking yourself up and murdering yourself.
If one of your Friends is injured, leave them behind. Even if it’s just a skinned knee. That qualifies as an injury. Leave them.
If te friend gets shot, don’t, under any circumstances, do CPR. This will only make them die faster!
Always have your keys at the ready. te don’t want to be fumbling in your bag going “Oh where are they I’m sure I have them here somewhere”, while the killer closes in.
Drips are never good. If te hear a dripping sound, it’s blood. Likewise, if te hear a clang, it’s a meat cleaver and if te hear a thunk, it’s a severed head.
If there is a scary legend, believe it. It’s real. It doesn’t matter of the legend says the killer has an cipolla for a head o a orso trap for a mouth. It’s real and he’s coming for te tonight.
If someone says “It’s just the wind, guys. Everything’s fine. Stop overreacting”, te should reply “Yeah well I hope I won’t overreact when you’re dead and stuffed beneath the floorboards”.
Avoid screaming, crying, whispering, panting, wheezing o breathing heavily when you’re trying to hide. Killers are not deaf.
Never bend down to spit out your toothpaste. When te come back up, there’ll be someone standing behind te in the mirror.
Don’t go to places with weird names like Terror Lake, Hell Hollow, Devil’s Den, Screamerville, Skull Valley, Dead Man’s Crossing, Spook Hill, Ghost Creek, Bloody Springs o Slaughter Beach.
Never go downstairs to check out a weird noise. Especially not in your underwear.
If your Friends go to check out a strange noise and don’t return, don’t go looking for them. Just make new friends.
If your son starts telling te “I see dead people”, put him up for adoption!
If you’re babysitting a kid and they tell te they saw someone scary at the window, tell them to stand at the window and wave while te go hide.
If your running from zombies and your friend trips, don’t worry. Leave them and say “I’ll see te again when you’re a zombie”
DO NOT hide where te obviously could be SEEN… like BEHIND a LAMP! *idiot*
This is the 21st Century. te have a cell phone. Why does nobody in horror Film call 911?
If you’re black, stay away from white people. They’re too curious – always checking out noises and getting killed.
Have a fat friend. They will come in useful. If te run into the killer, te can use them as a human shield.
When te hear the Musica change to “ch, ch, ch, ch…ah, ah, ah, ah”, you’re as good as dead.
If te and your Friends are running from the killer, trip up your friends. te can always make new friends, but there’s only one you.
If te are babysitting and the phone rings, don’t answer it. Just go home and let the kids fend for themselves.
Always check the back sede, sedile of the car. 9 out of 10 times, the killer will be crouched there going “Aw dude te caught me!”
If te come to a deserted town, it’s probably been deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
If you’re not sure who’s the killer and who’s an innocent person, shoot them all and let God sort them out.
If te see something mutating, don’t stand there with your “OMFG” face and wait for it to finish mutating. Kill it with fuoco and get the hell outta there.
I’m a leader not a follower… but if we’re going into a haunted house… you’re going first.
If some idiot in the group says “Let’s diviso, spalato up”, tell him “OK te go that way, the rest of us will go this way”
Never under any circumstances run upstairs if te are being chased. Once te get upstairs, there’s nowhere left to go.
If you’re hiding from the killer, put your phone on silent.
make sure the killer is dead. if the killer isn’t dead they will just keep coming back like team rocket.
OK under the letto is not a real hiding spot. What self-respecting killer WOULDN’T check under the bed.
If your BestFriendForever trips and falls and screams “Don’t leave me!”, change their friendship status to BestFriendForNever.
If te find your friend stabbed 78 times and lying in a pool of blood, dont go “OMG what happened?” te KNOW what happened.
The killer never dies the first time. Wait until he gets up, then kill him again.
when te find your friend stabbed 78 times dont comfort her. Run! She’s gonna die anyway.
When you’re driving at night and te hit someone, don’t stop to see if they’re OK.
Hide in the fridge. Killers don’t get hungry and stop for munchies during a murder spree.
Never look behind te while running away. When te look back, the killer will be standing in front of you.
Make sure your car has a full tank of gas and your cell phone is fully charged.
Whenever a puppet o doll turns to te and says “Let’s play”, it doesn’t REALLY want to play.
If te knock on the door of a creepy old house and it opens da itself, don’t go inside.
If objects in your house become possessed and start attacking you, don’t run into the kitchen. That’s where the knives are.
If te hear a little girl Canto a nursery rhyme, say “Feet don’t fail me now!” and start running.
Don’t stop at a gas station and ask the creepy old man for directions. He’s not going to help you.
After te shoot the killer, don’t drop your gun.
If someone hands te a videotape and says “If te watch this te will die in 7 days”, don’t break out the popcorn.
If te see something weird, tell someone. Don’t just go “Oh, I must be imagining things.”
There is a killer in town and the police have asked us to give te the following safety tips. Stay in well-lit areas, do not travel alone whenever possible, always wipe front to back.
Never get into a car. It will either not start, break down, run out of gas o te will lose the keys. Either way, the killer will be hiding in the back seat.
If a policeman arrives, don’t get your hopes up. He will be killed just before he reaches you.
Find a good hiding place and STAY THERE. If the killer can’t see o hear you, WHY WOULD te MOVE?
If te are buying a house and the real estate agent is all like “well, yeah, full disclosure – there were some murders that happened here”, buy a different house.
If te hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate. The killer is there. Also your dog is dead.
Never attempt to pull off the killer’s mask. te won’t like what te see.
Never assume the killer is dead. Shoot him, stab him, chop off his arms, legs and head, then burn the pieces and put them out with holy water. If possible, rocket his charred remains into space. Even then, he probably won’t be dead.
If te have any history of mental illness, te will discover at the end of the movie that te were the killer all along.
If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism. sposta very very far away. Because there’s blood on your walls. Blood! On your walls! Your walls are bleeding!
Never baciare your boyfriend o girlfriend. Smooching couples are a magnet for deranged serial killers.
Never yell things like “It’s over now” o “We made it”. That guarantees that it’s not over and te won’t make it.
If te spot a weird dude in your garden holding a chainsaw, he is not there to trim your hedges.
Don’t get drunk o do drugs. Escaping from a killer is much harder when you’re stumbling around and Canto to yourself.
If you’re going on vacation, Google the name of the area. If the first five cerca results are news stories about Missing Persons, take a holiday somewhere else.
Don’t go outside just because te hear a noise. That’s like coming out and saying “Here I am! I’m ready to be murdered now!”
Protect yourself. Find a weapon. Gun, knife, chainsaw = weapons. Umbrella, mop, lamp = not weapons.
Don’t drink alcohol o do drugs. Killers in horror Film have an extra-special hatred of drunk o stoned teenagers.
If your Dad goes insane and starts hacking down your bedroom door with an axe, don’t try to reason with him. Jump out the window.
Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don’t go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don’t drop it. Car? Won’t start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die.
If te hear a scary noise and find out that it’s just the cat, the successivo scary noise te hear won’t be just the cat.
If one of your arms o legs gets chopped off, don’t let it get te down. Later on, te may be able to replace it with a chainsaw o machine gun.
Don’t sacrifice yourself to save someone else. Usually the person te saved will die anyway.
If te see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s just one of your Friends playing a prank on you.
If your parents murdered a serial killer years ago, the killer will return to murder you. Strangely, he will leave your parents alone.
If your girlfriend is a hot cheerleader, dump her for the weird chick that nobody likes. Weird chicks never get killed, cheerleaders always die.
A good strategy is to say “No! Kill me instead!” That way, the killer will leave te alone and murder everbody else. Reverse psychology.
Don’t make Friends with rednecks o hillbillies unless te want to be down on all fours, squealing like a pig.
Never make a plan, because your plan will take into account everything that could possibly happen, except for the one thing that actually happens.
If te throw away a doll and come home to find it waiting for you, immediately leave the country. There is no other way to get rid of it.
If the calls are coming from inside the house, get outside the house.
When te find a strange weapon, immediately grab it. Later on, this will be the only weapon capable of killing the monster.
If te are shooting at a monster with a big gun and it has no effect, don’t take out a smaller gun and start shooting.
If a girl with long black hair starts crawling out of your TV, hit the OFF button on the remote before she gets all the way out.
If you’re being chased da a killer and te meet one of your Friends and they ask “what’s wrong?”, don’t stop to explain. Just shout “Cantstoptotalkkillerchasingmeseeyoulater” as te pass by.
If all else fails, make Friends with the villain and help him kill everyone else. If te can’t beat ‘em, unisciti ‘em.
A lista da Scary For Kids. Link here:
link
