Reign recap: 'Bruises That Lie' 

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As enjoyable as it’s been to watch Mary and Catherine’s relationship grow from one of contempt to deep friendship (serious question: Are Mary and Catherine the first squad?), the best Catherine is a scheming Catherine, and you guys, Scheming Catherine was back in full force tonight.

We have one man to thank for this triumphant return: Narcisse. Narcisse is living his best life as regent of France – and by best, I mean most evil. He’s called young King Charles to court to discuss marrying Claude off to the very rich Duke Boinel. He explains that France is in debt thanks to the war in Scotland, and they need Duke Boinel’s gold. Charles feels guilty since he promised Claude she could choose her husband, but Narcisse insists Boinel is a stand-up guy.

Claude is understandably livid when she finds out Charles has agreed to this arrangement. Charles reminds his sister that they’re royals and none of them get to marry for love, but it’s all very obvious this is thanks to Narcisse’s influence. Narcisse, though, isn’t as pleased as you would imagine. All of the gold Boinel handed over for Claude has gone missing. He confronts Catherine and Mary about it because, well, Catherine seems like the most likely suspect, and Mary is her BFF. Catherine denies the accusations, but she can’t deny Narcisse’s power over Charles is strong. She’s losing her son to her nemesis.

Out of all parties involved, Claude has the most reason to be upset. She has a quick, tearful goodbye with Leith, and then she’s off to an extremely upsetting wedding ceremony. Boinel leans a little on the creepy side, and Claude has to choke out her “I do.” As Claude rides off with the Duke to his estate, the girl looks broken. That final moment she shares with Leith as her carriage leaves is enough to make a robot feel.

Leith, like any heartbroken young man, heads to the local pub. He’s pretty pathetic, whining about his ridiculous, idealized version of love in between giant gulps of Greer’s finest ale. After two swings and misses, Leith has realized that people are no more than the station into which they’re born. Greer doesn’t want to hear any of that; she doesn’t want Leith to stop being a romantic, and she doesn’t want him to give up on himself. She reminds her friend that he started from the bottom, and he’s done pretty well for a kitchen servant.

It seems our ex-lovers have had a bit of a role-reversal. What’s the cause of Greer’s sudden belief in living outside of the box your birth has placed you in? A visit from her baby daddy, Pirate Handsome Face, that’s what.

Martín strolls into Greer’s Tavern and with one drunken attempt to cop a feel, he realizes Greer is pregnant with his child. Greer explains that she has a plan to give the baby to a nice family, but this isn’t enough for Pirate Handsome Face, who’s been thinking about the welfare of his child for a good 90 seconds now. If Greer keeps the baby, he could provide more than enough gold and visit a few times a year. He believes they could be great parents and wants Greer to make her decision based on what she wants, not what other people might think.

Suddenly, Greer’s plan – to have her sister Ellen and brother-in-law pretend the baby is theirs – doesn’t sound so hot. Ellen wants to take the baby to Scotland, but Greer wants her child close to ensure the baby has a better upbringing than she did – that her child knows there’s more to life than titles and bountiful dowries. Pirate Handsome Face has her rethinking everything. 

Back in the land of newly-wedded bliss, Claude is learning that her husband is more than just creepy – he’s abusive. When Claude won’t apologize for her behavior, he hits her in the face. Unfortunately, Duke Boinel doesn’t know that Claude’s been practicing her “Latin,” and she knocks him down with a few strategic punches and a whole lot of sass.

Claude makes it back to the castle, and when Charles sees what’s befallen his sister thanks to his deference to Narcisse, he’s furious. Catherine warned him that Narcisse was only looking out for No. 1, and he has no reason to protect the royal family. The little king is about to make some big changes.

Charles, with Catherine at his side, interrupts a privy council meeting and demands they replace Narcisse with a regent who will put the Valois line first: his mother. For the first time since we’ve met him, the young boy actually acts like the king he is. You guys, Charles

in charge. He makes it clear it’s in each council member’s best interest to oust Narcisse and make Catherine regent. It works.

When Catherine busts into Mary’s chambers and triumphantly announces “I am regent!” it’s hard not to stand up and applaud. Catherine’s beside herself with joy because now she can finally keep her family (including Mary) safe, but also because she beat Narcisse, and let’s be honest, that was the real goal here. The best part of the entire thing is that Catherine just had to sit back and let it happen.

What is this, amateur hour? Like Catherine de Medici would ever leave her fate to chance.

Catherine heads out into the Royal Forest of Secrets to meet with… Duke Boinel. Catherine hands him his gold, which was payment for HITTING CLAUDE. Catherine knew hurting Claude was the only way to get Charles to turn on Narcisse, so she orchestrated the entire thing in order to claim the regency. Scheming Catherine has not lost her edge.

NEXT: Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby

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