"So," she detto slowly, "You two seem like a happy couple. But tell me Tiana, is Naveen well equipped o is that big castello of his supposed to be compensating for something?"
"Beg your pardon?" asked Tiana.
"You know, the family jewels, are they the kind you'd want on an engagement ring o the kind te mistake for a sequin from the Dollar Store?"
Tiana still looked unsure.
"Does he have a big penis?" pisello rolled her eyes. "God, some of these goody-goodies just don't understand my metaphors. Anyway, what kingdom are te from?"
"Oh, I'm only royal da marriage," Tiana laughed. "I was a waitress before I met Naveen."
Pea's jaw dropped. "A waitress? That's one step up from being the bird lady Mary Poppins sings about. Geez, Naveen, I can't believe te settled for a commoner."
"What can I say?" chuckled Naveen, his voice sexy as usual. "I fell in love."
"It's just as easy to fall in Amore with a rich person as it is to fall for a poor person. That's what my mother always told me," answered Pea. "I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a peasant. Gross...no offence, Tiana."
"None taken," she replied, through clenched teeth.
Pea's words stung Conrad on the cuore a little bit because he had started to grow quite fond of her, although he didn't have a lot to offer. Just then, the four arrived at Mama Odie's hut in the bayou. The little old lady came swinging down a vine, laughing psychotically. She had sunglasses on her face and a snake on her shoulder.
"Are te sure she doesn't belong in the loonie bin?" pisello asked Tiana. "She looks like a total whack-job."
"Well, well, well," detto Mama Odie. "Tiana and Naveen, nice seein' ya again. The last time I saw y'alls te two were a couple of frogs turning human."
"You two were frogs?" inquired Conrad.
"Long story," answered Naveen.
"Listen, Mama Odie, I just need te to use your magic wand o whatever it is te do and turn back time...bring me back to the time before I was exiled, when I was truly happy."
"Were te happy though, Pea?"
"Ugh! Yes!" pisello was annoyed. "Why does no one believe me when I say I loved my old life, it's all I want!"
"Child, sometimes it ain't about what te want," replied the strange woman. "It's about what te need...Someday you'll figure that out. But until then, I can't help ya!" With that, she returned to her hut.
"We traveled all this way for that?" yelled Pea. "I could've gotten più useful consigli from Dr. Phil! God, this is hopeless!"
"Thanks for all your help guys," detto Conrad politely. "I'm sure we'll be fine. See te around."
Tiana and Naveen waved goodbye and headed back to New Orleans.
"Pea," detto Conrad. "I know that things are gonna work out in the end...I promise you. No matter what happens, I'll be da your side."
"Well, what are we gonna do?" asked Pea, fighting back tears. "Hmm...wait a second...I think I just thought of our successivo method of transportation..."
pisello and Conrad spent the successivo two and a half hours building a zattera out of wood, branches, and vines.
Mama Odie watched proudly through her window from above.
"You know what?" she detto to her snake. "I truly think she's gonna be okay. That princess is smarter than anyone gives her credit for."
(End Of Part 14)
