#1:
Elizabeth: I have absolutely no intention of marrying Everard. I'm sorry to upset your plans, but...
Elizabeth's Father: Plans did te say? My one and only plan, dear girl, is to see te as happy as possible, and I would never dream of forcing te to do something te don't want to.
Critic:(as Elizabeth's father) Unless it was the beginning of the movie in which case I detto te had no choice.
Critic: (as a scene of Elizabeth and her father hugging plays) Seriously, what did she do different? She made the same argument she did before. In fact, it's actually less angry. Are te honestly telling me that this...
Elizabeth: I have absolutely no intention of marrying Everard.
Critic: is much più stronger than THIS?
Elizabeth: (scene from earlier) I'd rather die than marry that horrifying, disgusting old serpent!
Critic:(as Elizabeth's father) Ohoho, that's just the PMS talking. You'll get over it!
Elizabeth: I have absolutely no intention of marrying Everard.
Critic:(as Elizabeth's father) WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! CALM DOWN, BITCH! CALM DOWN! WHOA! We'll figure this out, man! JESUS!

#2:
Zack Denbrough: What were te doing in Georgie’s room?
Young Bill: N-Nothing. Dad, listen!
Zack Denbrough: I don’t want te ever coming in here again, son. Do te understand?
Critic: (imitates Zack Denbrough) How DARE te try to mourn the loss of your one and only brother!

#3:
Owen: My God! That dinosaur that looks like a raptor, acts like a raptor, sound like a raptor and moves like a raptor... I think it's part raptor!
(NC, fed up, takes off his glasses, faceplams, and proceed to leave the room, with the camera following him)
NC: (offscreeen) No. No, No! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! (whimpering) NO, NO, NO, (see NC on the floor whimpering like a child) NO, NO, NO, NO! te can't be this stupid! te (uncovers face, which has now turned bright beetroot red with rage) CANNOT be this stupid! I mean, LOOK at that damn thing! OF COURSE IT'S PART FUCKING RAPTOR! IT'S LIKE 90% FUCKING RAPTOR, te GODDAMN MORONS!!
NC te know those sponge dinosaurs? The one te just add water to make them grow bigger? Well, DON'T mostra THAT TO ANYBODY HERE, IT'LL COMPLETELY BLOW THEIR MINDS! They be like (now facing the triceratops) What's that? Oh, that's a triceratops. C'mon, everybody knows that. Oh, you're gonna add water. Well, I don't know what that's gonna-(water is added and the triceratops grows only a little bit bigger) OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT IS THAT?! OH, MY GOD, IT CHANGED INTO SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNRECOGNIZABLE!! I mean, (turns to the camera) I'm AMAZING at what I do, but this- THIS IS BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION!! OH, MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!! (grows a little bit bigger and NC dives under his desk, while screaming)

#4:
Critic: What, ju...wait a minute! When did the chicken turn into a good guy?! There was no transformation scene, he didn't talk to anyone, there wasn't even a line of dialogue! Aren't te gonna fill us in, movie?! Aren't te gonna let us know what's going on?! (booming voice) JUST! EX- (Critic literary turns into a nuclear explosion cause of his anger) PLAAAAAAAAAIN.


#5:
Nostalgia Critic: DUMBASS! DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS! How much of a DUMBASS are you?! In fact, if te look up "dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of...
[The Critic looks up the dictionary entry for "Dumbass," expecting to find a picture of Doug, but instead finds a picture of Tommy Wiseau da the entry]
Nostalgia Critic: WELL, IT SHOULD BE te IN THERE!

#6:
Critic: (watching at animated Titanic movie where randomly it has a talking delfino for no explained reason) Okay. For the sake of argument, let's say that te stayed in the theatre after te saw this scene! What exactly are they gonna do with this revelation?
Dolphin: We are engaged in a desperate battle to save the lives of our friends, the whales! The Maltravers ships are hunting the poor things near to extinction!
NC:(VO) I'm sorry, WHICH STORY ARE WE WATCHING?! The Amore story? The ship? The mice? The whales? WHAT IS THE FOCUS?! te can't just throw this incredibly bizarre bullshit at us and just expect us to go along with it!
NC: I mean, it's like saying "Hey, the Titanic wasn't destroyed da an iceberg. It was an evil gang of underwater sharks who are in cahoots with the evil whaler".
Criminal Shark: (to Maltravers henchman) Hey, me and the boys are ready to go into action any time te say, guy!
(cut to NC's mouth hanging completely open in shock).

#7:
NC: OK, how long until he gets it? (to a clamoring audience, holding bets with the options "Bets for 2 Minutes," "Bets for 3 Minutes," and "Bets for 4 Minutes" below him) Do I hear two minutes? Two minutes? I hear three! Three minutes? Three minutes? Do I hear four minutes? Four minutes? Four minutes? (stops holding bets) Alright! All bets are off, let's take a look!
(Sean pokes at the dock pile until the squalo (from his point-of-view) approaches the boat)
Admiral Ackbar (from "Star Wars: Return of the Jedi"): It's a trap!
(The squalo rises out of the water and attacks Sean)
NC: And the official answer is…two minutes! Well done, everybody! (applauds) Well done.

#8:
Nostalgia Critic: Pain is just God's way of telling te to try harder!

#9:
Critic: Oh look one of the kids has a pocket knife. Remember kids true beauty is on the inside. And if te disagree I'LL CUT te OPEN TO PROVE IT!!

#10:
Critic: This not jumping the shark. This is jumping the shark, coming back, shooting it in the balls, raping it, eating its flesh, consuming its soul, mounting its head on a wall, AND DOING THE SAME THING TO 12 più FUCJING SHARKS JUST TO BE SAFE!!

#11:
(Schwartzenegger holds baby with a cgi shot of his face).
Baby: Momma
Critic: (horrified, high pitched scream)
Baby: Momma?
Crita: (continues screaming in terror)
Baby: MAMA!
Critic: (Continues to scream, then gets up to run to the bathroom and shuts the door while still screaming. We hear him sobbing, then vomiting in the toilet a few times; after a few dry heaves, NC leaves the bathroom and heads back to his seat, coughing a bit).
Critic: So—(whispers to himself) Oh, God. (He holds his face with both hands and sobs a bit before putting himself together and calmly speaks softly to the camera) Continue.

#12:
Critic: Yeah, I don’t care if he’s a kid. I don’t care if that’s his real accent o not. The squirt is fucking obnoxious! Why? Because he shouts every single one of his lines!
(A montage of clips of Short Round shouting his lines is presented)
Critic: Yeah! Practically every other line he says in this movie, he screams at the superiore, in alto of his lungs!
Critic: (screaming) AND IS THERE ANYTHING più ANNOYING THAN SOMEONE WHO SCREAMS ALL THEIR LINES!? I MEAN, THAT’S REALLY OBNOXIOUS!

#13:
(Mola Ram sticks his hand into the victim’s chest and pulls the cuore out; the victim screams, cut NC’s face changes to a state of shock with his mouth agape as the scene continues, cut to the cage being faced downward and two doors in the floor open up to reveal a lava pit, cut to NC still shocked, cut to the cage being lowered toward the lava pit, and the victim yells, cut to NC still shocked, then flaming balls of fuoco start to engulf the victim as his heart, being held up high da Mola Ram, catches fuoco as well, then NC’s eyes widen in surprise, Mola Ram laughs evilly before the cage finally enters the lava pit, then NC tilts his head inoltrare, avanti a bit to absorb what he’s seeing, cut to Mola Ram laughing evilly)
Critic:: Gesù CHRIST, MOVIE!!
Critic:: I mean, I know the Indiana Jones films can be crazy in their death scenes, but...HOLY SHIT! This is like something a psycho would write! God, it’s like how they fuoco journalists at volpe News!
(Earlier in the scene, as the cage is being prepared to face downward, the victim repeatedly says quickly “Om Namah Shivaya!” with the following fake subtitles placed in da NC: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say Obama had a point! I won’t tell Glen Beck to stop crying again. I swear I thought ‘Fair and Balanced’ really WAS a joke.”)

#14:
Malcolm: Oh, ciao Critic! Merry Natale Eve!
(Suddenly, NC snaps and grabs Malcom's giacca and slams his back on the fridge door.)
NC: (threateningly) What's so merry about it? I have just seen the absolute worst holiday special of all time.
Malcolm: "Santa Zombie Eats Jesus"?
NC: Worse! It's so bad I haven't slept in nights. It's kept me awake throughout the entire season. If I'm not careful, I might start hallucinating!
Malcolm: ciao Critic! (Appearing from the door behind the NC, who turns to him) Who are te talking to? (Critic turns at the fridge to find nobody there).
NC: te got any NyQuil?

#15:
(Lily turns around, and the other kids smile at them… unintentionally creepy smiles.. NC is made uncomfortable da this.)
NC: (squirming) Was that supposed to be charming them, o satanically hypnotizing them?
(The kids' smiles are repeated, but this time their eyes glow red.)
NC (vo): But their creepy culo smiles seem to win them over, and they start to know each other better.
Lily: (mumbling to the point te can barely understand her) My teddy orso has only one arm, but my mom says Santa will bring a new arm for him.
Critic: (struggling) What?
Lily: (can barely even be understood)
(Clip of Rush Hour)
Carter: What the hell did te just say?
Critic: Yeah, I don't know if this kid is the director's, the producer's, o even the casting agent's, but there is no way she got through any kind of audition process.

#16:
Mrs. Mavilda: (still in her bed) She's changing everything around here. I got to get rid of her, but how?
Critic: Well, maybe te can start da getting out of the fucking bed. It's like one o'clock, te lazy bitch. Get moving!

#17:
Critic: So the mayor wants her to pick out fancy new clothes for the children as Natale gifts. But the kids don't know what Natale is. So Judy explains.
Judy: Natale is a pretty and happy time of the year. A time when people get together. Friends with friends, children with their parents and grandparents…
Critic: Uhhh, x-nay on the parents-ay…orphans-ay.

#18:
Care Bear: The two of us aren't enough.
(sailboat appears from behind a rock, shining at the evil crow, harming it)
NC (demonic voice as the care orso sailboat): TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER!!
(The evil corvo is destroyed, and vanishes).

#19:
Critic: This was scripted people!

#20:
Linkara: Hey!
Critic: Get over it, te comic geek! Your special effects suck.
Linkara: Bat Credit Card.
Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?!! (starts shooting his gun) I'LL KILL YOU!!! I'LL KILL te ALL!!! (l=leaves the room, shooting rapidly, and screaming loudly, having gone literary insane).
Linkara: He's the Nostalgia Critic. He remembers it so te don't have to!

#21:
Kurt Bozwell: (the boss of Mondo Burger, played da Jan Schweiterman) From now on, your life is Mondo Burger. te can forget about your friends. te can forget about your family. 'Cause Kurt is now both your mother and your father.
(A clip of Adolf Hitler at a rally is shown.)
Hitler: (with mock subtitles) First, we will make cheeseburgers. Then, we will make milkshakes. Heil Mondo Burger!

#22:
Mr. Erlich: Remarkable work, Dr. Vaselli. (He extends a hand) Congratulations. (He retracts his hand to make an upward salute) Heil Hitler! (He shoots Dr. Vaselli with the other hand)
NC: (laughs) Wow, that was…the most over-the-top way to kill somebody. I give te props, guys, that-that was mighty silly.
NC (voiceover): I mean…it’s just so sporadic! te can call it the “Psych Hitler!” te go in to shake someone’s hand, and it’s like, “Psych! Heil Hitler!” (The shot of Richard shooting Dr. Vaselli is shown quickly) Do te think he does that everywhere, like at weddings?
NC: (as a wedding attendee, pretending to give a toast) A crostini, pane tostato to the bride and groom, on this, the happiest giorno of their—HEIL HITLER! (Shoots everywhere)
NC (voiceover): o how about bar mitzvahs? te think he does it there?
NC: (as a Jewish father) Jimmy, now that you’re officially a man, let us celebrate with this most sacred of Jewish tradit—HEIL HITLER!! (Shoots everywhere wildly)
NC (voiceover): o good God, what if he was a kindergarten teacher?
NC: (sings while doing the “Itsy Bitsy Spider” song with his hands) “The Itsy Bitsy ragno went up the water spout. Down came the rain to—” HEIL HITLER!!! (Shoots everywhere even più wildly).

#23:
Johnny: We got a new client at the bank, we'll make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I cannot tell you, it's confidential.
Mark: Oh, come on. Why not?
Johnny: No, I can't. Anyway, how’s your sex life?
(NC spits out the drink that he happened to be drinking at that point).
Mark: Can't talk about it.
Johnny: Why not?
NC: Why not? How about te just brought it the fuck out of nowhere, you... weird alien man!

#24:
Mark: What's going on?
Critic: Oh, my God, do te need landing lights to the bed!? She wants to sleep with you! That's what she does every other stinking time you're over, te fucking idiot!

#25:
Robyn: I'm Robyn Starling, I'm afraid I don't have a home anymore.
NC: I'm sorry, we're trying to shoot a movie here. Is there any chance te could just kinda mosey along and-
Robyn: I'm an orphan. (in tears and in a sad voice) My mother died when I was a baby.
NC: Sucks. te know, we have a lot of shooting to do, and it's actually about Tom and Jerry, I'm sure it's gonna be very funny once it comes out, but you're kind of in the way right now so if te could just kinda get outta the way, that'd be great.
Robyn: Aunt Figg was always calling me orphan. She even ha rubato, stola my locket and threw it out the window, but I climbed down and found it.
NC: You're really not gonna leave until we make a movie about ya, huh?
Robyn (in tears and in a sad voice): Uh-huh.

#26:
Critic: And just what is inside the machine? The Tardis from “Doctor Who”! (The caption “The Tardis!” appears onscreen) No, no, that’d be somewhat creative. No, it’s just aliens. (Beat) That’s it. They crash-landed and have been here for years eating up people so they can repopulate.
Jim: (to Bobbi) They’ve been giving te brain boosters when all they’re doing is-is fattening te up!
Terence Baggett (from “Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear”): It’s a cookbook! IT'S A COOKBOOK!!

#27:
Joey: I'll take the south end.
Jesse: Good.
(Histerical applauding from the sitcom audience as Jesse and Joey carry the baby down the stairs)
NC: That got an applause, people! That gives te an idea of just what kind of humor they deal with on here.

#28:
NC (voiceover): (as Jake) So, same time tomorrow? (normal) Actually, that’s exactly what happens. He goes back into the water to fight this thing. But this time, Jaws isn’t looking for him! Yeah, his ingenious revenge now directed him to a spiaggia a couple miles away. Yeah, that’s right. He’s (Mike) literally throwing himself at him, and he (Jaws)’s off at a spiaggia trying to eat some kids. I’m sorry, I really don’t get Jaws’ plan! I mean, again, here he (Mike) is, out in the open, and you’re eating this banana boat! OK, I guess te could make the argument that he was going for the granddaughter, but she’s right there! (A green Arrow points to where Thea is sitting on the barca while the squalo attacks another woman) He literally ignores her and goes for this other chick! What does she have to do with your plan? Did she…kick te when te were a guppy o something? I’m sorry, I know I’m dwelling on this, but I wouldn’t concentrate on this aspect of the revenge if the movie wasn’t called “The Revenge”! And the fact that he traveled so far to pull it off! I mean, if it wasn’t the revenge plot he was thinking of all this time, well, what was he thinking of [while] swimming to the Bahamas?
Shark: (sings to himself along to “Double arcobaleno Across the Sky” while swimming) attraversare, croce the sky….Double arcobaleno ‘cross the sky…

#29:
(Malus sees the little girl from the car on the boat, looking out on the railing. While Malus looks her over, a truck horn is heard and the girl suddenly gets run over da a truck)
Critic: Gesù CHRIST! WHO LET THE TRUCK ON THE BOAT?!

#30:
Critic: Oh! Fuck Donkey's!