Sarcasm is an art. It's one of those little yet big things in life which can only be expressed beautifully when mastered correctly. Though sarcasm may be funny, it may also hurt many people, so use it wisely.
Last week, I decided to collect as many sarcastic and funny remarks as I could, just for the fun of it. So, here's the list! The format of the lista is like this:
1. When someone says, "No"... <--- this is the "situation".
Yeah, right. <--- this is your sarcastic response.
Sometimes, there will be "no situation". te should be able to figure out when to use the sentence in italics then.
Without wasting any più time, here's the list:
1. Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh at te o pity you.
2. When someone's looking at an object (e.g. his wallet) and laughing...
What, does your wallet tell jokes?
3. When someone does something extremely fast...
te taking steroids?
4. When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
It's okay to feel what te are.
5. When someone is spelling something aloud...
Are te taking part in a spelling bee?
6. When someone is counting random numbers aloud...
Playing BINGO?
7. When someone says, "Hey, te wanna hear a joke?"...
It's okay, you're a joke all da yourself.
8. Looks like I overestimated the number of your brain cells.
9. When someone says, "I feel so stupid" o something similar...
That's an understatement.
10. When someone says, "I'm so short!"...
* No, you're *quite* tall.
* Cheer up! You're still taller than my sausage dog!
11. Let's say you're looking at a picture on a book, and someone asks, "What's that?!"...
A book. Duh!
12. When someone asks, "Why don't te talk to me??"...
* You're not worth talking to.
* Talking to te doesn't bring any benefits.
13. When someone tells you, "John is so ugly!"...
Gee, te remind me of him.
14. When someone says, "I've a pretty sister."...
Whatever happened to the brother / sister?
15. When someone says, "Hey, do te know that (blah) (blah) (blah)"...
Alert the media!
16. When someone says, "Oh, no! I've a pimple! What should I do about it?!"
I've bigger things on my mind to think about than your puny pimple, te know.
17. When someone says, "Don't tell me you're gonna tell me your parents" o something similar...
I do have a life too, te know.
18. Someone has a weird o funny name...
Gee, your parents certainly have a weird sense of humour.
19. When someone says, "I don't know how to do this."...
Ah, I'm not surprised.
20. When someone asks, "What's happening?!"...
With your IQ, I don't think te can understand.
21. You're so dumb your IQ and shoe size are the same.
22. You're so ugly your parents initially wanted to name te Rover.
23. Your B.O. is so bad you're classified as a potential biological weapon.
24. When someone delays something...
* That will be the time when te get your first grandchild.
* That will be the time when [name] stops doing [something he always does] (e.g. That'll be the giorno when Jack's feet finally smell nice)
25. te mean te don't know I've a dog?! Didn't te look in the mirror?!?! *give a shocked look*
26. Hey, what a coincidence! You've the same name as my dog!
27. Look at someone's eyes, give a surprised look and exclaim, "The eyes... they look like Aunt Camille's (for males) / Uncle Edgar's (for females)!"
28. Let's say Dr. John is a victim of manslaughter. Then, someone comes up to te and exclaims surprisingly, "What?! Dr. John got murdered?!?"
No, suicide.
29. Jack is so funny that he's making everyone laugh AT him, not with him.
30. Other than being disgusting, irritating, stupid, smelly, [name all the bad stuff te can think of], etc., etc... you're actually quite okay.
31. When someone asks, "Hey, should I invia this joke to the magazine?"...
Well, te never know. Some low-class species with the same viewpoint as the autore might find it funny.
32. When someone asks, "Do te think this dress is nice?"...
To say that it's nice would be a terrible lie.
33. You've so many pimples that te remind me of the craters of the moon.
34. te know why guys / girls don't like you? Look at yourself first.
35. When someone asks, "Hey, are te gonna mow the lawn now?" when te obviously are going to mow the lawn...
* No *expressed sarcastically*, I'm gonna do it successivo year.
* Then?! Wait for the Winter Olympics??
* No, I'm going to take a shower. Duh!
36. When someone is doing something (e.g. typing)...
Are te sure te can type?
37. When someone is hogging the stairs...
Hey, does your grandfather own the stairs?!
38. When someone expresses frustatedly, "I'm so stupid!"...
* Being honest is a good thing.
* It's always good to be honest.
39. When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
We know.
40. When someone plays a practical joke on someone else...
How could te do that?! te could hurt him, te know! Don't te know how bad it could've got?! [continue with all the serious remarks te can think about until he feels terribly guilty]
41. When someone insults someone else (esp. someone who's disabled)...
How would te know anything about him? Maybe when he was young, his mother died, and his dad married a terrible stepmother. Maybe when he was nine years old, he was knocked down da a lorry, and he ended up in a coma at the hospital. Probably his father had to work long hours giorno and night just to keep him alive. Maybe when he woke up finally, he wasn't ever the same again. [continue with all the pitiful things te can think about until the person you're talking to feels extremely guilty...]
42. Ask someone who can't drive, "Hey, are te free on Saturday? Can te send me to [some place]??" Then, before he gets the chance to reply, te say, "Oh, so sorry, I forgot... te *CAN'T* drive."
43. When te tell someone "I'm 19.", and after thinking for a while, he replies, "So, I guess that you're born in 19xx?"... Gee, they do teach te stuff at Taylor's. [replace "Taylor's" with the educational institution your victim is in]
44. te look like my grandma's grandmother!
45. When someone keeps referring to someone else as "the guy" o "the girl" o "my friend"...
Hey, doesn't he / she has a name? Even animali have names nowadays!
46. When someone insults te sarcastically and asks you, "Was that remark sarcastic o what?!"...
No, it's a downright lame insult.
47. When your younger sibling says "My Maths is getting better" o something similar...
Looks like the skills I've passed down to te have paid off after all.
48. Gee, the dress she's wearing sure looks nice... but NOT on her.
49. When someone asks, "Why can't I do this?"...
* Maybe it's inheritance.
* Maybe it's in your genes.
50. When someone says, "Hey, let me tell te a joke"...
HA HA HA HA HA! VERY FUNNY!
Right now, te might be asking, "Where in the world are numbers 51-101?" Well, sorry, but I can't think of any più sarcastic remarks, mean insults and irritating phrases.
If te have any te would like to add, please mail me. Don't worry, credit will be dato to all contributors! I'll continue to update this page often.
Last week, I decided to collect as many sarcastic and funny remarks as I could, just for the fun of it. So, here's the list! The format of the lista is like this:
1. When someone says, "No"... <--- this is the "situation".
Yeah, right. <--- this is your sarcastic response.
Sometimes, there will be "no situation". te should be able to figure out when to use the sentence in italics then.
Without wasting any più time, here's the list:
1. Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh at te o pity you.
2. When someone's looking at an object (e.g. his wallet) and laughing...
What, does your wallet tell jokes?
3. When someone does something extremely fast...
te taking steroids?
4. When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
It's okay to feel what te are.
5. When someone is spelling something aloud...
Are te taking part in a spelling bee?
6. When someone is counting random numbers aloud...
Playing BINGO?
7. When someone says, "Hey, te wanna hear a joke?"...
It's okay, you're a joke all da yourself.
8. Looks like I overestimated the number of your brain cells.
9. When someone says, "I feel so stupid" o something similar...
That's an understatement.
10. When someone says, "I'm so short!"...
* No, you're *quite* tall.
* Cheer up! You're still taller than my sausage dog!
11. Let's say you're looking at a picture on a book, and someone asks, "What's that?!"...
A book. Duh!
12. When someone asks, "Why don't te talk to me??"...
* You're not worth talking to.
* Talking to te doesn't bring any benefits.
13. When someone tells you, "John is so ugly!"...
Gee, te remind me of him.
14. When someone says, "I've a pretty sister."...
Whatever happened to the brother / sister?
15. When someone says, "Hey, do te know that (blah) (blah) (blah)"...
Alert the media!
16. When someone says, "Oh, no! I've a pimple! What should I do about it?!"
I've bigger things on my mind to think about than your puny pimple, te know.
17. When someone says, "Don't tell me you're gonna tell me your parents" o something similar...
I do have a life too, te know.
18. Someone has a weird o funny name...
Gee, your parents certainly have a weird sense of humour.
19. When someone says, "I don't know how to do this."...
Ah, I'm not surprised.
20. When someone asks, "What's happening?!"...
With your IQ, I don't think te can understand.
21. You're so dumb your IQ and shoe size are the same.
22. You're so ugly your parents initially wanted to name te Rover.
23. Your B.O. is so bad you're classified as a potential biological weapon.
24. When someone delays something...
* That will be the time when te get your first grandchild.
* That will be the time when [name] stops doing [something he always does] (e.g. That'll be the giorno when Jack's feet finally smell nice)
25. te mean te don't know I've a dog?! Didn't te look in the mirror?!?! *give a shocked look*
26. Hey, what a coincidence! You've the same name as my dog!
27. Look at someone's eyes, give a surprised look and exclaim, "The eyes... they look like Aunt Camille's (for males) / Uncle Edgar's (for females)!"
28. Let's say Dr. John is a victim of manslaughter. Then, someone comes up to te and exclaims surprisingly, "What?! Dr. John got murdered?!?"
No, suicide.
29. Jack is so funny that he's making everyone laugh AT him, not with him.
30. Other than being disgusting, irritating, stupid, smelly, [name all the bad stuff te can think of], etc., etc... you're actually quite okay.
31. When someone asks, "Hey, should I invia this joke to the magazine?"...
Well, te never know. Some low-class species with the same viewpoint as the autore might find it funny.
32. When someone asks, "Do te think this dress is nice?"...
To say that it's nice would be a terrible lie.
33. You've so many pimples that te remind me of the craters of the moon.
34. te know why guys / girls don't like you? Look at yourself first.
35. When someone asks, "Hey, are te gonna mow the lawn now?" when te obviously are going to mow the lawn...
* No *expressed sarcastically*, I'm gonna do it successivo year.
* Then?! Wait for the Winter Olympics??
* No, I'm going to take a shower. Duh!
36. When someone is doing something (e.g. typing)...
Are te sure te can type?
37. When someone is hogging the stairs...
Hey, does your grandfather own the stairs?!
38. When someone expresses frustatedly, "I'm so stupid!"...
* Being honest is a good thing.
* It's always good to be honest.
39. When someone says, "I feel so stupid"...
We know.
40. When someone plays a practical joke on someone else...
How could te do that?! te could hurt him, te know! Don't te know how bad it could've got?! [continue with all the serious remarks te can think about until he feels terribly guilty]
41. When someone insults someone else (esp. someone who's disabled)...
How would te know anything about him? Maybe when he was young, his mother died, and his dad married a terrible stepmother. Maybe when he was nine years old, he was knocked down da a lorry, and he ended up in a coma at the hospital. Probably his father had to work long hours giorno and night just to keep him alive. Maybe when he woke up finally, he wasn't ever the same again. [continue with all the pitiful things te can think about until the person you're talking to feels extremely guilty...]
42. Ask someone who can't drive, "Hey, are te free on Saturday? Can te send me to [some place]??" Then, before he gets the chance to reply, te say, "Oh, so sorry, I forgot... te *CAN'T* drive."
43. When te tell someone "I'm 19.", and after thinking for a while, he replies, "So, I guess that you're born in 19xx?"... Gee, they do teach te stuff at Taylor's. [replace "Taylor's" with the educational institution your victim is in]
44. te look like my grandma's grandmother!
45. When someone keeps referring to someone else as "the guy" o "the girl" o "my friend"...
Hey, doesn't he / she has a name? Even animali have names nowadays!
46. When someone insults te sarcastically and asks you, "Was that remark sarcastic o what?!"...
No, it's a downright lame insult.
47. When your younger sibling says "My Maths is getting better" o something similar...
Looks like the skills I've passed down to te have paid off after all.
48. Gee, the dress she's wearing sure looks nice... but NOT on her.
49. When someone asks, "Why can't I do this?"...
* Maybe it's inheritance.
* Maybe it's in your genes.
50. When someone says, "Hey, let me tell te a joke"...
HA HA HA HA HA! VERY FUNNY!
Right now, te might be asking, "Where in the world are numbers 51-101?" Well, sorry, but I can't think of any più sarcastic remarks, mean insults and irritating phrases.
If te have any te would like to add, please mail me. Don't worry, credit will be dato to all contributors! I'll continue to update this page often.
