Episode 1;

Roman: (meets Niko at the barca stop).

Niko: (stressed) What took te so long!

Roman: Sorry.. I was at a party.. But anyway.. (singing) Welcome, home, Cousin. te know that, I missed ye-

Niko: [Off-Screen] NO! [On-Screen] NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR te SING!

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Roman is driving them too the apartment, though he's driving very slowly, much to Niko's anger.

Roman: Do te think Mallorie's mad at me?

Niko: Because you're in the right lane behind a bus and te won't go around it? (sarcastically) No, I'm sure she finds it charming.

Roman: No, because I didn't invite her to come te with me.

Niko: I'm starting to think she dodged a bullet.. The slowest bullet in the world!.

Roman: Calm down Niko.. I thought te had your anger issues under control?

Niko: What are te talking about. I don't have anger issu- (suddenly enraged) OH MY GOD ROMAN! te DID "NOT" HAVE TO SLOW DOWN FOR A BIRD!.. te KNOW THEY FLY RIGHT!?

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THEME SONG;
link

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MEANWHILE:

Billy: Okay Johnny.. I'll ride up in your bike.

Johnny: I- I don't know man.. te a bit of a dick to me.

Billy: Johnny boy. I have "never" been a dick to you.

Johnny: [rolls his eyes] Oh please! All te EVER do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!

Billy: Johnny, when have I "ever" ripped on te for being a Jew?

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[in the playground when first meeting each other] You're a Jew!

{while they argue} Oh yeah! Well your just a stupid Jew!

[Riding on their bikes} SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN JEW MOUTH!

[at the club house, on the front steps] {angry at Johnny} Good job, Jew!

[leaving his sede, sedile in the club house] Shut up, Jew!

[angry at Johnny for no explained reason] You're JEWISH!

[seated on a curb with the other boys] Dude, he's Jewish!

[staking out a house] Jew!

[on Nightline, seated successivo to Johnny] Jew!

[in Ashley's dining room] Jew!

[at the side of a road] Jew!

[next to stacks of lumber, as Johnny is about to whack him] Jew!

[at a barn, through a hole on the roof] Jew!

[Johnny reads a Bible] Jew?!

[At a high school dance]

Billy: I told te Jewish people don't have rhythm.

Johnny: Fuck off, Billy!"

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Billy: ... Okay, except maybe for that one time.

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Niko: So, te full of crap o what!?

Roman: What!?

Niko: Where's luxury condo? Where's sports car? Where's Barbara with big titties and Stephanie who sucks like a vacuum?

Roman: What te talking about?

Niko: In your letters to my mother, in your letters to me... all I hear about is Mr. Big, Mr. Roman, living the American dream. Sports cars, condos, women, money, the beach... opportunity! I come here, and the only thing big about your life is the cockroaches.

Roman: That's right. I got the best cockroaches, I got the best dirt!

Niko: SHUT UP! (angrily punches hole into the wall).

Roman: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, I guess I'm okay with te destroying my property.

Niko: I'm serprised your sober enough to realize this.. te were drunk five minuti ago..

Roman: Relax... No alcohol was consumed during the party... Just kidding. I definitely passed out halfway through and woke up pissed off that no one woke me up when in fact they all tried multiple times to no avail. I've been low key lightweight casually kind of sick so I think my body was just like "yo seriously with all these shots right now?" and when I responded with più shots my body was all like "ok then I'm knocking te the fuck out" and thus began my slumbers. Apparently I was sweating profusely and they were all looking at me like 'is this dude ok?' So yeah when I say I've been low key lightweight casually kind of sick I mean I've been definitely sick. Anyways that stack of money was fake. Yes, it was omaggio money. I was too drunk to realize it was there, they got it out when I was asleep, but yeah I wasn't trying to "flex" so shut up. And if te don't believe me then why would I have just told all this in such large description? Good one person. This descrizione is just dumb at this point and I'm going to stop giving te unnecessary information righttt aboutttt now..

Raman: But anyway.. But here, all I needed was one good guy. One good guy, I could do well. Not take over the world, but do oka-

Niko: (angrily after looking in the fridge) WHERE'S THE FUCKIN MILK!?

Roman: I don't have any-

Niko: (enraged) Then go out and FUCKIN da SOME!

Roman: (scared) Okay, okay! (runs out the door).

SOON AFTER:

Roman: (gives Niko latte container) te happy now?

Niko: (happily) I'm VERY happy now?

Niko and Roman both sit at the table.

Roman: Anyway.. what about you? What about you, cousin?

Niko: What? What about me?

Roman: Well... why te leave home after all this time? First, I hear you're running around with the wrong kind, then I hear te joined the merchant navy, now you're here. te never tell me anything.

Niko: No.

Roman: What do te mean no?

Niko: No, I never tell te anything. Another time.

Roman: Oooh, mystery man... strange and exotic sailor! What happened? Did your captain make te pregnant?

Niko: Screw you! No, no, it's nothing like that. The ships were fine. It was before that, two things. te remember... (sudden anger) WHAT IS UP WITH THIS FUCKIN CHAIR!?

Roman: It's fine. Just keep going.

Niko: Fine., During the war. We did some bad things and bad things happened to us. War is where the young and stupid are tricked da the old and amaro into killing each other. I was very young, and very angry. Maybe that is no excuse... Roman?

Niko: (violently pounds table) ROMAN!.. Are te sleeping te FAT FUCK!?

Roman: I'm sorry I-

Niko: FUCK te ROMAN!... Fuck!... Fuck someone!... Fuck a tit!... Fuck a tit hard!... For the Amore of Alan greenspan... FUCK!

Roman: ... Feel better?

Niko: ... (sighs) not really.

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Billy: Line 'em up, my brother... Let me have some of that heroine, motherfucker!

Brian: Yeah! Heroine is tigh-

Billy: (annoyed) shut up Brian!

Billy: (smokes it).

Brian: Guess this means w-

Billy: [high on cocaine, shouting, speaking quickly] te know what I can't stand!? Internet piracy! How would te like it if musicians ha rubato, stola from YOU!?... (pointing at Clay) What if Cannibal Corpse ha rubato, stola your precious glasses?

Clay: ... [uncomfortable] I think I'll mostly just be confused..

Billy: (after calming down) So, Johnny boy... Where's my bike?

Johnny: te know where it is.

Billy: Uhhh... Let me rephrase the domanda - where the "fuck" is my bike, and why the fuck haven't te gotten it back for me?

Johnny: Because te know where it is!

Billy: Are te deaf? Give me that whisky. Are te fucking deaf!?

Johnny: No!

Billy: Then answer the God damn question. Why the fuck haven't te gotten it back for me, friend-brother?

Johnny: One word: business. Like I told te when te were in there, o were te so busy playing holier-than-thou te started believing your own bullshit?

Billy Oh forgive me. te know, I've had a complicated few weeks. It's hard to to pretend to care about people. Espically woman.. Now... GET MY FUCKIN BIKE!

Johnny: What am I!? YOUR FUCKIN DOG!?

Brian: Everyone calm dow-

Everyone: Shut up Brian!

Johnny: Listen, Billy, they were pissed and they had a reason. Your bike chopped that girl's leg off.

Jim: Better than the one Brian got shot.

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(Flashback):

Johnny: Okay Gionna.. Afraid I can't go with te to the drug trade.. But Brian can go.

Brian: I'll take good care of h-

Johnny: (angrily) SHUT UP BRIAN!

Johnny: (calmly back to Gionna) Anyway.. Brian is a good guy. i promise he won't rob te and leave te for dead.

SOON AFTER:

Brian robbed her and left her for dead.

Johnny: My God, Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my brotherly duty! (chuckles) I detto "duty," but no time to laugh about it now!

Johnny finds Brian at a bar.

Johnny: (angrily) ciao BRIAN!

Brian: (happy to see him) ciao Joh-

Johnny (leaps onto brian violently) And this is for laughing at all your own jokes during bike rides! (punches Brian in the face repeatedly) Who do te think te are? Ashley Butler!? (punches Brian in the face repeatedly) te think because SHE dose it, it's okay for you? (punches Brian in the face repeatedly) te HAVEN'T EARNED WHAT SHE'S EARNED BUDDY! (drops Brian who crawls away).

Johnny: All right, now where's the guy who betrayed Gionna?

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Roman: Come on, Dardan, what's your problem?

Dardan: I don't have problem. te do!

[Dardan points a coltello at Roman while Bledar smashes his computer monitor.].

Roman: ciao I just got that fixe- (get's locked in chock hold) Mommy!

Dardan [choking Roman] Where's your Russian friend now, eh?

Roman: (choking) He's not my friend... he's my loan shark...

Niko (enters and enraged da the scene) HEY!

Dardan: Fuck you! (tries to stab Niko, who dodge it)

Niko: (breaks his arm).

Dardan Oh my arm. Oh!

Niko: (mockingly) Ohh, was that your arm?

Dardan: Fuck you!

(Bledar hops over the scrivania, reception to help Dardan).

(The Albanians retreat and run out of the depot).

Niko: And if te come back! I'll kill you! te understand!

Roman: (waving Dardan's dropped knife) te forgot this, te Albanian pricks!

Roman: ... Shit, Niko - what did te do?

Niko HE WAS GONNA STAB ME!

Roman: Now he's going to kill you!

Niko: Relax, they learned there lesson.

Roman: But what if they beat me up later!?

Niko: Don't be silly. That isn't gonna happen..

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Jim: Pretty Boy.

PB Hey.

Jim: Where's the bike?

PB Oh, it's good to see te too, tough guys.

Uhh... what bike are te talking about exactly?

Johnny: te "know" what we're talking about.

PB: Billy's bike? Jesus, man, it's been a long time. I thought he was dead. What's he want it for? To sell it for crack, right, eh?

Billy [walks in] Maybe later.

PB: (scared) Hey, good to see you, Bill! Man, I thought te was dead...

Billy: Where's the bike?

PB: I don't know.

Billy: (disturbingly calm) Jim, start the bike.

(Jim starts the Bike and Johnny slowly holds him down to the real, much to his fear and agony).

PB: Whoa, hold on... Wait please, please... no, nooo...

Billy: (losing patience) Where - is - my bike?

Johnny: Speak, te ugly fuck!

PB Ah, okay listen... ah, the angeli of Death took it to their place in Northwood. Billy Motherfucking angeli of Death. PB That's all I know... please!.

Billy: WHAT!?

PB: I- It's true.

Johnny: (throws Pretty boy down) Thank you.

Billy: Yes.. (smashes hammer onto PB's jaw) THANK YOU!

Jim: Whoo, calm down Bi-

Billy: Shut up!.. Things just keep getting worse and worse for.. I done all this stupid shit from inside jail!.. Even had to take stupid fuckin lessons in becoming less angry. (enraged) But now those angeli have my motherfuckin bike! GOD (smashes hole in wall) DAMN IT!

Jim: (sarcastically) But te 'obviously' became less angry.

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Bleeder: Our problem is your cousin!.

Niko: I told te too stop! Now it's too late!

Niko grabbed one of the two unnamed men, head butted him violently, and violently kneed him in the face.

He defeats both, later finding the last one and tosses him out a window, killing him.

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Billy: WHOO! I GOT MY BIKE BACK! THIS SO AWESOME! I AM HIGH ON COCAINE! punch, punzone ME JOHNNY BOY!

Johnnny: (punches him because Billy asked him too).

Billy: WHY'D te FUCKIN HIT ME!?

Johnny: te asked me t-

Billy: Stop making excuses Jew boy!

Johnny: Bu-

Angel leader: (comes into view) Hey! Lost and Damned!

Billy: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Why the long faces? No wait, that's your "normal" faces.

Brian: (laughs)

Billy: Shut up Brian.

Brian: Y- Yes sir.

Billy: Anyway.. Might I tempt te in a veloce, swift libation, my most trusted and honored guests?

Angel leader: I thought we had a truce going on?

Billy: Did you? Funny thing.. I wasn't aware.

Johnny: I told te five minuti ag-

Billy: I wasn't aware!

Angel leader: (growls).

Billy: But, let me tell you, it's a strange kind of truce that makes te think it's okay to gatecrash my party, Deadbeat motherfucker.

Angel leader: I'm sorry. te enjoy your little party. I take it, the good times are over. No problem, old man. [flips him off while walking away].. Have a nice day.

Billy (shoots him dead) DON'T FUCKIN TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Johnny: Aah, te moron!

END OF EPISODE ONE: