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“Cat Burglar”

“The Penguins of Madagascar”

Season 4, Episode 1 (4X01)

Production Code: 401

Air date: ?

Previous: “The pinguino Who Loved Me” , Next: “I Spy”

Cat Burglar/Transcript

“Cat Burglar” Season 4, Episode 1, “The Penguins
of Madagascar”

Scene I: Archie’s Warehouse

(Archie is watching TV)

Archie: Ugh.. I’m bored! At least when I was The Archer, I was busy. I had motivation! I had my goals in mind.

(gets up and looks at himself in a mirror on the wall)

Archie: My real estate business is booming, but I'm bored with it.
And let's face it. I'm not getting any younger.

(a pause)

Archie: (turns this way and that, admiring his reflection) And I'm talking to myself... I MUST be bored.

(he chuckles a bit)

Archie: (points at his reflection. Does a Robert DeNiro impression) te talkin' to me? Huh?

(walks over to the TV and sits down again)

Archie: I sure do miss being The Archer. The freedom…the swashbuckling…..the cool stuff I
stole…the-

(Fred the scoiattolo comes in, unannounced)

Fred: Hi, Archie.

Archie: (looks up) Hm? Oh. Hi Fred.

(Fred sits down successivo to Archie)

Fred: What’cha watching?

Archie: “Shirtless Ninja Action Theater”.

Fred: Can I sit down and watch it, too?

Archie: (Stares wearily at Fred) te already ARE sitting down.

Fred: (looks behind him and swishes his tail) Huh. I guess I am.

(They sit in silence for a few moments)

Fred: Archie? Why don’t te wear your funny-looking hat anymore?

Archie: (annoyed) Look, Fred, I’m glad you’re here.
Really, I am. But can te do me a favor and go be stupid somewhere else?

(a short pause)

Fred: (glances around) What time is it?

Archie: (getting even più annoyed) Why?

Fred: Because going somewhere else to do something isn’t on my schedule until later.

(Archie’s eye twitches)

Archie: I’m not in the best of moods now, so-

Fred: (interrupts) Why don’t te wear your hat?

Archie: I told te that a while ago! It’s not part of my disguise. I don’t steal from people as much as I used to…if te don’t count the prices I sell the homes at. I’m in real estate now. A property agent.

Fred: Oh. (gets up and shuffles to the corner of the
warehouse, where the Archer costume is hung on a
cappotto rack) Hey. I found your funny hat.

(Picks it up and puts it on his head)

(Archie rushes to him, snatches the hat and puts it back on the rack)

Archie: Nuh-uh! No way Jose! Nobody. Touches.
The hat. te got that?

Fred: (Shrugs) Ok.

(a pause)

Fred: Hey! Wait a minute! te lied to me!

Archie: (exasperated) What are te talking about?

Fred: Your name isn’t Archie! It’s Nobody!

Archie: (confused) Huh?

Fred: te detto Nobody touches the hat. te touched it, so te must be Nobody!

(a pause)

Fred: I also touched it! That means I’m Nobody too! We have the same name! Are we related?

Archie: Fred…please just go. I’m NOT in the mood to-

Fred: But I’m not Fred! I’m Nobody!

Archie: Ok…Nobody…please just go. I’m not in the mood for this now.

Archie: (turns off the TV) (Mutters) I guess I should go through all the stuff I stole. I haven’t done inventory in a while.

(Fred hears this. Is about to exit the room)

Fred: Oh! Now I remember what I came to tell Archie! I wanted to tell him that there’s a lady giving away free stuff in the park! Can te tell him for me, Nobody?

Archie: (puts on his Archer costume as he says this) Fred…- I mean Nobody, you’re a genius! I think I found something interesting to do today!

Fred: Hmm…..Nobody the genius… I like the way that sounds! I’m going to go tell Fred that I’m a genius! Now where is he?

Scene II: A Bench in the Park

(Archie is hidden in a tree, watching an old lady feed some birds)

Archie: THIS is what Fred meant da free stuff? What a waste of time! It’s just –

(Spots a wallet in the old woman’s open purse)

Archie: Maybe this can be profitable after all! Now if I can only get down without letting the old bat know I’m there.

Gladys: Oh! I’m out of bread, little birdies! I’ll get a fresh loaf of pumpernickel from my purse!

(Reaches for her borsa to see Archie rummaging through it)

Gladys: Oh! Oh my! What a positively sweet little kitty cat!

Archie: Huh? (She picks him up) Whoa! Hey! Put me down! What are te doing?!

Gladys: Well, we’ll just have to get te out of that outfit now, shall we? As long as I’ll live I’ll never understand why cat owners dress their kitties up in outfits! (She takes off his Archer outfit)

(She is squeezing him as she takes off the outfit;
Archie is gasping out “No!”. Gladys mistakes it for mewing)

Gladys: (cooing) I’ll take te home with me!

Archie: (Struggles to get out of her grip) Say WHAT, lady?! Nuh-uh! I’m going anywhere with you!

(Gladys chuckles at the “cute behavior”)

Gladys: (Grabs her purse, and bag of bird food. Cradles Archie in the crook of her arm) I’ll take te home with me, sweetums, and I’ll squeeze you, and pet you, and Amore you, and feed you, and-

(continues talking as she walks back to her apartment)

Scene III: Gladys’ Apartment

Gladys: (Has not stopped talking for the whole walk back to her apartment) –and cuddle with you, and
throw te balls of yarn! And I think I’ll name te Mr. Whiskers!

Archie: Finally! te stopped talking!

(Gladys unlocks the door to her apartment with the hand not carrying Archie)

Gladys: We’re home, Mr. Whiskers! Time to meet your new roommate!

Archie: Roommate?!

Gladys: (Calls) Zoe! Zoey! Come here! I want te to meet a new friend!

Zoe:(From offscreen) (Snidely) Oh, te finally got yourself a boyfriend?

Gladys: (Just hears mewing) (Picks Zoe up from behind the scratching post) Oh there te are, Ms. Zoe! I want te to meet Mr. Whiskers! Isn’t he the cutest kitty ever? I found him in the park, all da his lonesome.

(Sets Archie on the floor. Pushes Zoe and Archie close together)

Gladys: (Grabs her keys and some grocery bags)
Now te two play nice. I’ll be back soon with some più cat food!

(She closes the door and locks it)

Archie: Quick, whatever-your-name-is! I have to get out of here! Do te know a way out?

Zoe: First of all, Mr. Whiskers (“Mr. Whiskers” is detto mockingly), my name is Zoe! secondo of all, why the heck would te want to leave here?

Archie: Because I have a life that I need to get back to! A Job!

Zoe: (Confused) Wait…. I thought she detto she found te in the park.

Archie: She did. But the old bat thought I was a cat.
I can see she also confused te for a cat too.

(a pause)

Archie: I mean, how stupid does a human have to be to confuse a fetter and a raccoon for cats?!

Zoe: She’s not stupid. Her eyesight’s not that great, and she gets easily confused. (Giggling) It worked very well for me last time she brought in a (air quotes) “stray”.

Archie: (sarcastically)How? Did te eat him?

Zoe: Very funny, bub! No, that idiotic lemure was rescued da some penguins in a floating chair.

(A pause)

Zoe: I’m serious. That’s what happened. Gladys still thinks he’s here and now I get double the food. And if I help you, I’ll-

Archie: (cuts her off) Wait… Penguins? Did one of
them have a flat head?

Zoe: (Shrugs) How the heck am I supposed to remember? It was two years ago! But I remember the lemure has a stupid little hat that Gladys took off of him when he came in.

Archie: (hugs her) Zoe, you’re a lifesaver! If the pinguino know where this place is, then they can help me get out of here!

Zoe: (struggles to get out of the hug) Ugh! The
lemure that came in tried to baciare me! o do I have to launch te out the window so te can get the picture, too?

Archie: Huh? (He quickly releases her)

Zoe: Never mind. But I’ll help you, Mr. Whiskers. So what do te need me to do?

Archie: My name isn’t Mr. Whiskers! If I never hear that name again, it’ll be too soon!

Zoe: So what IS your name?

Archie: My name is Nobody-…I mean, my name is Archie.

Zoe: Ok…Archie… so what was with the Nobody thing, then?

Archie: (mimicking her from before) Never mind.
Anyways, Zoe, what’s this strada, via address? I couldn’t see anything when Gladys was taking me here.

Zoe: 838, 5th avenue on the corner of East 66th street.

Archie: I actually know this building!

(Gets an idea)

Archie: Zoe, it’s time to go meet an old friend of mine!

Zoe: And just how are we going to do that, exactly? We’re kinda trapped in here!

Archie: (looks out the window) What’s the quickest way to the roof?

Zoe: (smirks) You’re looking at it. And why? te gonna jump off of it?

Archie: (ignores that comment) I guess we’re going to have to climb. (Suddenly looks at the traffic zooming da on 5th avenue. Becomes scared, and the camera zooms out, making the height seems much farther than it actually is.) It’s not….that…..far…

Zoe: (Tauntingly) Ha! Fraidy-cat!

Archie: Oh, be quiet, you! Let’s just start climbing!


Scene IV: The Outside bacheca of Gladys’ Apartment

(Archie and Zoe are scaling the outer bacheca of the apartment building. Some bricks stick out because of the way they’re laid out, and the two use them as footholds)

Zoe: (panting) Lucky it’s not that far to the (exhales) roof, isn’t it?

Archie: (Whimpers softly) Y-yeah. It is. (Tries hard not to look down)

Zoe: (teasingly) Aw, what’s the matter? Big Tough Archie is afraid of heights?

Archie: No! (He loses his grip for a second, and screams) O-okay…maybe a little!

Zoe: (Smirks) That’s just what I thought.

(They reach the ledge of the roof. A door leading to a set of stairs to the apartments below is seen as well as a secondo door just successivo to it, behind which is an old storage space, along with a TV cable antenna, and a few air ducts)

Zoe: (Reaches the ledge first and helps Archie scamper over it) Well, we’re on the roof. What now?

Archie: Just relax. I have a friend who lives up here.

(Archie walks over to the secondo door, and knocks on it)

(crashing noises are heard from within)

Max: (muffled from within) I told te I don’t have the rent! Um…there’s a radiation leak!...um….I’m in the shower! Whoever te are, just go away!

Zoe: (sarcastically) That’s some friend te got, Archie.

Archie: (exasperated) Max! Open up! It’s me, Archie!

(Max opens the door)

Max: (Not enthused) Oh. It’s you, Archie. I told you, I don’t have the rent this month, but I can pay te back-

Archie: (Interrupts) I’m not here for the rent, Max. In fact…as much as it pains me to say this…I need a BIG favor done. It should cover the cost of the rent.

Max: Well, what is it?

(He opens the door all the way)

Archie: Do te still talk to the penguins?

Scene V: pinguino HQ

(The penguins are seated at the cinder block tavolo in their HQ playing a game of cards)

Skipper: Okay boys…flip over your cards in three…two….one

(Max come bursting in, scattering the cards with the gust of wind created da the door opening)

Skipper: (Cards are falling everywhere. One lands on his head) Green eggs and bacon, man! Why did te just burst in on us like that?

Max: (panting heavily and wheezing) Archie’s….(wheeze) in trouble…asked me to..(wheeze) send help. He’s in the (wheeze) apartment building where I live.

(Max slowly catches his breath)

Skipper: Archie??

Max: That’s right. Archie. I ran all the way from there to here because of him.

Private: That pants-on-fire liar needs our help? Is
he in danger?

Max: te bet he is!

Kowalski: Of what sort, if I may ask?

Max: He’s trapped in..

(The pinguino inhale, as if to brace for the worst)

Max: ..Gladys’ apartment.

Skipper: te mean to tell me we have to rescue someone from her AGAIN? This kin d of thing must happen a lot with this woman!

Private: But she DOES give strays a home, Skippah.

Kowalski: Yes, Private. But none seem to ever be feline, as she assumes they are.

Skipper: Must be something in the water in that place.

Max: Look, can we just rescue him and dibattito about this later??

Skipper: Give us ONE good reason who we should help Archie with anything.

Max: It’s awful!

Skipper: (barks out) Kowalski, cover Private’s ears!

Kowalski: Yes sir. (Covers Private’s earholes with his flippers)

Max: She’s been talking nonstop about what she’ll do to him! She says she’ll squeeze him!

(The penguins gasp in horror)

Max: Cuddle him!

(They gasp again)

Max: Feed him latte and pesce every day!....Actually, I wouldn’t’ mind that bit.

(They gasp even louder)

Max: And the worst thing of all; (Max pauses
dramatically) She’s named him Mr. Whiskers!

(Private shrieks in terror and swoons)

Skipper: Men, It’s time for
Operation:…..um……Cat-nap! Yeah! I like the sound of that!

(A dramatic pause and a close up)
Skipper: Operation: Cat-Nap is a go!

Scene VI: The Ground Floor of the Apartment Building.

(The Penguins and Max stare up at the building, which looms over them)

Private: Why didn’t Archie get down the way te got down, Max?

Max: Because the way I got down is a way known only to cats! It’s highly superiore, in alto secret, and-

(Fred pokes his head out of the drain pipe)

Fred: Oh, Hi Max. I found the way down.

Skipper: Bushy-Tail? What in the name of The Miracle on 34th strada, via are te doing here?

Fred: Wait… there are only 34 streets in the city?

Skipper: What?

Fred: Well if te detto that there was a miracle on 34th street, then there was no 34th strada, via before the miracle.

Skipper: Never mind that! What are te doing in that drainpipe?

Fred: Oh. Some of my acorns fell down here. I found them.

Skipper: (Turns to face Max) Was THIS the “secret way” te mentioned?

Max: (Blushes) Yes. But Fred and me-

Kowalski: (Interrupts) Fred and I.

Max: Fine. Only animali like Fred and I can fit down there. Besides, Archie’s petrified of heights.

Private: (Suppresses a giggle) He is?

Skipper: We all have our fears. Now let’s- Quick! Hide! A human!

(They all anatra behind a cassonetto, dumpster in the alley, and a man wearing a trench cappotto and wide- brimmed fedora walks past)

Skipper: Quick! Follow that human! I have a plan!

Scene VII: The Elevator

(The penguins are stacked one on superiore, in alto of the other, wearing the trench cappotto and hat to pose as a human. Max is with them)

(Muzak plays a mellow version of the theme from “The Penguins of Madagascar”)

Skipper: (annoyed) Ugh! I hate this song!
(a several second-long pause)

Private: Why did we have to steal that poor man’s coat? Where’s the one we always use?

Skipper: Rico spilled motor oil on it. And then it was dyed pink.

Max: How the heck did all that happen?

Skipper: Long story. Anyway, it’s being cleaned.

Rico: (giggles at the memory) Heheheheheh! Kablamo!

Kowalski: So, the plan is as follows: We knock on Gladys’ door claiming to be from the Humane Society, and tell her that she requires a permit to own her cats. While we are talking, Max will sneak
Archie out. I will also be operating the Speak N’ Spell.

Skipper: Excelente! But what about a backup plan?

Kowalski: We say Archie is our Lost cat, and we’ve come to take him back.

(Elevator “Dings” open at the floor Gladys lives on) The penguins and Max step off.

Scene VIII: Gladys’ Apartment.

(Archie and Zoe are pretending to use the scratching post while Gladys watched television)

(The doorbell rings)

(Gladys walks over to answer it)

Gladys: (opens the door) Why hello there! Can I help you?

Kowalski: (Types on the Speak N’ Spell) Yes. Good day, Madame. I am from the Humane Society. I was notified da the super of your building that te own three cats. Is this not correct?

Gladys: Why yes. But won’t te come in? te sound like te have a cold. I’ll be right back with some tea!

Kowalski: That won’t be necessary, Madame. I am fine. Spring allergies.

Gladys: (Glances at her calendar) But isn’t it August?

Kowalski: My allergies last a long time. Are te aware that te need a permit to own three Gatti in your building?

Gladys: (Taken da surprise) No! I wasn’t Is there some paperwork I have to sign?

Kowalski: (hands her the “paperwork”, which is actually a gift certificate for Wally’s Waffle House in New Jersey) Yes. I also have a pen.

(While Gladys is signing, Max tries to coax Archie out)

Max: But, Archie! What happened to te wanting to go?

Archie: Max, I’ve changed my mind. I’m staying!

(Max and Zoe both say “What?!” at the same time. The Penguins gasp, and Kowalski types in “What?!” on the Speak N’ Spell)

Gladys: Something wrong, sir?

Kowalski: No, Madame. I just realized I forgot te have a secondo permit to sign.

Gladys: All right. Whatever is necessary to keep my kitties.

Zoe: Archie, te can’t be serious!

Archie: Zoe, I realized I wanted to stay. This place beats my warehouse in the park da a mile! AND it has central heating! A real good piece of real estate!

Max: Right! Real Estate! Archie, te have to snap out of this! te detto it yourself! te have a job to get back to.

Archie: My gosh, Max, you’re right! Let’s get the heck out of here!

(Archie and Max make a mad dash for the front door)

(Gladys finishes signing the paperwork)

Gladys: (hands it back to Kowalski) Well, here te go, sugar. Here it is, all signed and done with.

Kowalski: Thank te Madame. Have a nice day.

(They wobble towards the exit, almost losing their
balance and toppling over.)

Gladys: What a funny man, huh, my kitties?

Zoe: (Meows, and rubs against Gladys’ legs)

Gladys: Oh! It’s cena time!

(Gladys goes to fill three bowls of food)

Zoe: (triumphantly) Yes!!

Scene IX: Archie’s Warehouse

Archie: I can’t believe I almost stayed! Boy am I sure glad te talked me out of it, Max!

Max: No problem, Archie. Well, I gotta go. I’ll see te around.

(Max exits. Calls out “Goodbye guys!” to the penguins, who wave their goodbyes back)

Archie: Thanks guys! te really saved my tail back there!

Skipper: All in a day’s work, Archie. Now, we don’t want to hear any più from te for a while, so TRY to stay out of trouble!

Archie: Will do. Bye, birds.

(Archie waves, as the penguins waddle back to their HQ)

Private: Well, that was a close one, wasn’t it, Skippah?

Skipper: It sure was, Young Private. It sure was. Though I can’t shake the feeling we forgot something.

Scene X: Gladys’ Apartment

(A few hours later)

(Gladys walks in with a cat carrying case)

Gladys: Zoe! Mr. Whiskers! Mr. Cuddles! I have a new friend for you!

Zoe: (Groans in frustration) Another one?!

(Gladys sets the cage down and opens it)

Gladys: I found him in the alley outside. The poor guy is as skinny as a rail! Poor little kitty!

(Fred walks slowly out of the cage, and over to Zoe)

Fred: Hi. My name is Nobody, the genius cat. Meow!

(The camera shows the window of Gladys’ apartment. Zoe can be heard screaming “NOOOOOOO!” at the superiore, in alto of her lungs as the screen fades to black)

(Cue Credits)

Voice Cast:
Skipper: Tom McGrath
Kowalski: Jeff Bennett
Rico: John DiMaggio
Private: James Patrick Stuart
Archie: Rob Paulsen
Gladys: Rolanda Watts
Fred: Fred Stoller
Zoe: Ashley Bell
Max: Wayne Knight