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"The Penguins of Madagascar"
Season 4, Episode 3
Production code: 403
Air Date: ?
Previous: "I Spy", next: "I Smell a Rat"
Seeing Red/Transcript
Scene I: Red's Underground Base
(Red is muttering to himself, dusting)
Red: Ugh. 50 years worth of dust. I have been in here for /50 years/ and i get to cleaning NOW?! I am an idiot!
(Dusts off his control panel)
(A clattering overhead, followed da a voice echoing "ZOOOOOOOOOO!)
(A thud)
(Camera whips around to Fred)
Fred: Hello. te really need to get a mattress for the entrance. That fall hurt.
(Red drops the feather duster and turns around)
Red: Oh. It is you. How many times have i told te not to come in here without knocking?
Fred: Ok. (walks over to the nearest bacheca and knocks on it) Can i come in?
Red: (his good eye twitches) te already are inside, te twit!
Fred: Oh. I am. But, really. te need to get something to cushion that fall. (rubs his rear)
Red: te DO know that there are other entrances into my evil lair, do te not?
Fred: (looks around slowly) Really? I don't see any.
Red: (annoyed) (points to a large circular door behind him) There is one.
Fred: Oh! I never noticed that before! (he walks over to it. Stops, turns around, and sees his footprints left tracks in the dust)
Fred: Wow. te really need to clean here! hey! I know what i could do! I could use the last of my acorn jackpot to help you!
(Red perks up at this, suddenly interested)
Red: Would it be to help me finally get my minions? (sinister chuckle)
Fred: I don't know how they could help te clean. I was thinking of buying some paint.
Red: Paint?
Fred: yeah. paint. And maybe some throw pillows and a potted plant. This place is a dump.
(Camera pans around the cluttered, dusty room)
Red: It is not a dump! It just needs cleaning!
(Red walks over to open the big door, and empty acorn shells spill out)
Red: Ok. it is a dump! But I meant to clean those up! It has only been 20 years since i have done that!
Fred: Hey, Uncle Red, can i ask te a question?
Red: I still can't believe we're related! how could I be related to suck an idiot?!
Fred: Wait...we're related?
Red: (snaps) Of course we are! te are my idiotic, acorn-munching nephew!
Fred: (Chews come acorns. Talks with his mouth full) Guilty as charged.
Red: (Continuing, trying to control his anger) Why else would te have called me Uncle if we are not related?
Fred: I have an uncle?
(a pause)
Fred: Hey, Uncle Red, did te know i have another uncle?
Red: (face-paws) te detto te had a question. Ask it, and leave me alone, te twit!
Fred: Oh yeah. There are two penguins outside your house. Do te know them?
Red: Who are they?
Fred: (shrugs) I don't know. But one of them called me "Cupcake. Do I look like my name is "Cupcake"?
Red: (realizes who Fred is talking about) (outraged) What?!
(Goes over to his periscope and sees Buck Rockgut and Nigel standing outside the entrance to his lair)
Red: How did they get past my ground vibration sensors? And my rockets?!
Fred: Oh. I helped them. they detto they were looking for you.
Red: Just tell me what happened so I can deal with my two greatest foes already!
Fred: Ok. I guess it's flashback time. (He looks up at the ceiling, concentrating hard.)
Red: What on Earth are te doing, twit-face?
Fred: mostrare te my flashback. You're not looking in the right spot.
(Turns Red's head to where he is looking)
Fred: See it now?
Red: (snaps) Just tell me what happened!
Scene II: The Park
(!5 minuti earlier)
(Nigel and Buck are walking towards Red's lair)
Nigel: I don't know what te think you're doing here, Buck. Headquarters decided te weren't fit for duty. Besides, aren't te supposed to be hunting for The White Widow? Furthermore-
(They jump out of the way of two rockets with roped attached designed to drag them away)
Nigel: (Continuing) Furthermore, te were decalred legally dead 48 years fa after we couldn't find you. I was assigned red's case, so if te would kindly-
Buck: (cuts him off. Pushes him out of the way of a leg-trap catch) I won't be doing anything, kindly o not! He was my case first!
Nigel: But in case te haven't noticed, te were also declared insane once we found te again after 47 years after your little "retirement". (air quotes) Now, i don't mean to be unkind, but-
Buck: (cuts him off) "But", nothing! te can take your apologies and shove them where the sun don't shine!
Nigel: (Gasps) Why, te cheeky, insolent-
(Nigel pushes Buck out of the path of an oncoming doccia of darts)
Buck: Hm. The darts are a nice touch. Anyways, that's right! te can shove that apology right into Hoboken! o maybe a-
Nigel:(cuts him off) Let's just focus on the mission! Seeing as how te tagged along, it's too late to send te back.
(They pause to rest da a tree)
(Fred scurries down the tree.)
Fred: (Whispers) What's with all the noise?
Buck: (Whispers) Hey! you! Can te help us?
Nigel:(Whispers) Why are we whispering?
Fred: (whispers) My granny is asleep up in that tree.
Buck: Do you, da any chance, know a scoiattolo who calls himself The Red Squirrel? His aliases are The Red Squirrel, The Red Squirrel, and The Red Squirrel. Ever hear of him?
Fred:(Thinks) (Whispers) No. What does he look like?
Buck: He's a squirrel. And he's red. Really skinny. Overgrown teeth and claws. Wears an eye patch.
Fred: Never heard of him. Did te guys try the zoo?
Nigel: The Zoo? Whatever for?
Fred: Wait... we have a zoo in the park?
Buck: Are te some kind of idiot? te just detto to check the zoo, cupcake!
Fred: My name isn't "Cupcake", but if you're looking for a red squirrel, there's always my uncle. He lives downstairs.
(Fred pushes a button concealed bu a knot in the albero trunk. A hole in the ground opens)
Fred: But my uncle doesn't live in the-
(He falls in)
Fred: (echoing as he falls in) -ZOOOOOOO!
Scene III: Red's Underground Base
Fred: -and then i fell down, and I said, " Hello. te really need to get a mattress for the entrance. That fall-"
Red: (Cuts him off) Yes, but how did they get past my ground vibration sensors?!
Fred: Oh. They walked from behind the tree.
Red: Minions! Remind me to-... oh.
Fred: Who are te talking to?
Red: (Grabs a pen and paper) Number two on "To Do" list; Install ground vibration sensors and missiles all around the entrance to my lair.
(Buck and Nigel enter, wading their way through the pile of acorns in the entrance to the big door)
Buck: Yeah, Red. Who /are/ te talking to?
Nigel: Caught te at last! (assumes a fighting stance)
Red: Just what i needed.... another cause of a headache. Minions! Get me-...Ugh. I'll just get the aspirin myself.
Fred: Oh, ciao guys. meet my uncle!
Nigel:(To Fred) (aghast) That conniving villain is your uncle?!
Buck: (To Red) That brainless idiot is your nephew?
Red: Yes, and this devilishly handsome scoiattolo is your- (presses a button. Buck and Nigel are restrained against a metal bacheca with shackles. Fred is cuffed to the bacheca da his tail) - CAPTOR! Believe me, I do not like it any più than te do. he is a twit!
(Groans and presses a paw to his forehead) Ohh, my head!
(He walks over to his medicine cabinet. Takes out a bottle of aspirin, and swallows one)
Buck: Let us go, te dirt-bag!
Red: Call me what te are willing to, old-timer, but what makes te think i will listen? Like in those movies. The bad guy says to stop, but the hero does it anyway. I never saw the point. So, no. I will not let te go!
(He starts laughing manically. It turns into a rasping cough.)
Red: I (coughs) think i fractured my (coughs and wheezes) spleen!
Buck: Ha! And te called /me/ old?
Red: (Glares) I /HATE/ being called old! Do not call me old! I am not old! (Presses a button. Fred is let go) Seeing as how you, my idiot nephew, are of no help o harm to me, i will let te go. Now get out of here before i change my mind!
Nigel: Don't just stand there! Help us!
Red: If te take one più step towards them i will...i will never speak to te again! Actually, on secondo thought, go! step towards them!
Fred: Yeah, I'm just gonna go. You're sending me mixed messages.
(Fred walks out the big door)
Fred: Maybe I'll go ask my other uncle. He'll know what to do!
(Buck and Nigel share confused glances)
Red: It is a long story. Never mind. (Calls after Fred) And good riddance! Now, (sinister smile) where were we?
Scene IV: pinguino Habitat (topside)
(Skipper and the team are doing their daily exercises)
Skipper: Ah! I Amore the smell of hard work in the morning! (Takes a deep sniff, and then gags)
Kowalski: That's not hard work you're smelling, sir. Rico has bad gas this morning.
Rico: (Breaks wind) Sorry..hehe.
Skipper: Never mind the training, boys. I Lost my train of thought.
(Fred walks up to the fence of the habitat)
Fred: Hey, um, guys?
Skipper: Bushy-Tail! What seems to be the problem?
Fred: Did te guys know i have a secondo uncle?
Private: I didn't even know te had /one/ uncle. Is he nice? Did he just sposta into the park? Maybe we can send him a welcoming gift, Skipper!
Fred: Oh. I've never met him, but my first uncle lives in a room under a tree. And let me tell te something, it is /dusty/ in there! I'm still sneezing! Ah-achoo! (he sneezes on to Skipper's face)
Skipper: Hmm.....Fred has two uncles we've never heard about before... Kowalski, analysis!
(Kowalski says nothing)
Skipper: Fine. Kowalski, /please/ give us te analysis!
Kowalski: That's much better, sir. And I feel we have nothing to worry about from Fred's- (to Fred) What did te say their names were again?
Fred: What who's name was?
Kowalski: Your uncle.
Fred: Which one?
Kowalski: Both of them.
Fred: Can we be più specific? I don't know my other one's name, but Uncle Red sure is-
Skipper: (cuts him off) Wait a minute...Uncle /Red/? da any chance, do te know if he calls himself "The Red Squirrel"?
Fred: I don't know. Maybe. At least i /think/ that's what that ugly pinguino called my uncle before he trapped him and the British one.
Rico: (Grunts) Ugly penguin..? Whaddyatalkin'bout?
Fred: Oh, yeah. That ugly one called me "Cupcake" not once, but twice! I'm going to have to complain about that later! Anyways, Yeah. I think that's what he called my uncle.
Kowalski: The Red scoiattolo is your uncle?? Whoa! Didn't see /that/ coming!
Private: Have te noticed how a lot of our Friends turn out to be related to villains? It's just weird, isn't it, Skipper?
(To Fred) Wait... didn't te say he had them trapped? (gulps)
Fred: yeah. They're trapped against this metal wall-thing. Uncle red let me go, though. He really /does/ Amore me!
Private: Oh my goodness! The Red scoiattolo kidnapped my Uncle Nigel and Buck Rockgut! We have to help them!
Skipper: We can't just jump to conclusions here, Private!
Private: But he just said-
Skipper: I know what he just said, but he could be wrong. I mean, come on! This is Fred we're talking about! Just look at him!
(Camera pans to Fred, picking his nose using his tail)
Fred: Ow! Stupid tail!
Private: Well, can't we just check? Please, Skipper? What if he's right?
Skipper: (reluctantly) Ok, Private. but if he's wrong and you've wasted a trip, no snow-cone for te tonight! Let's sposta out, team!
(The penguins exit their habitat, leaving Fred, still picking his nose)
Scene V: Red's Underground Base
Red: -so, then after Fred and that idiot lemure ...what did they call that hippity-hoppy rap song...? Oh, yes! After they "dropped some acorns on me", i dragged them to my lair, and-
Buck: (yawns) I thought te were supposed to be torturing us, not boring us to death. I almost prefer the Hungarian Purple -Nurple to this!
Red: Well, fine! I f te do not wish to hear how i found out Fred was my nephew, then it is your loss! It's a very interesting story! Now, if te will excuse me, I need another aspirin!
(He walks off)
Nigel: (Whispers) Luckily for us, old chap, while Red was droning on about his nephew, i thought of an escape plan!
Buck: Well, so did I! And yours had better not be the old "fake cuore attack" bit, because i remember the last time te did that. Your recitazione was terrible. (Imitates Nigel) "Oh! Mother! is that you, beckoning me into the light? i feel cold! The lights are fading! Goodbye, cruel world!"
(Nigel scoffs)
Buck: Well, te sounded ridiculous! An my plan is better. Question: What's the one thing Red hates being called the most?
Nigel: Old? (He realizes Buck's plan. Grins) Ah! Now i see where you're coming from! te plan to lure him here da insulting him, then knock him out and free ourselves! Clever!
Buck: (gruffly, but grins) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save the compliments for later, te tea-drinking old fart!
(He winks)
Nigel: What?...Oh.. I say, Buck, if anyone is old, it's you! You're positively ancient!
Buck: (loudly) Well, the only one older than me is Red over there!
Red: Keep it quiet! I have an awful headache! And hey! Who are te two calling old!!? I am the picture of youth! (He hacks and coughs) (Wheezes)
Nigel: Yes, and the picture of youth was outdated in 1967!
(Red takes a step closer)
Red: (angrily) Shut up! I have had enough!
Buck: (cough) You're old! (cough)
Red: That is it! Now te two numbskulls must pay the price!
Scene VI: The Park
(Fred is leading the Penguins to the tree)
Fred: This way!
(They stop at the tree)
Skipper: Is this the tree?
Fred: is what the tree?
Skipper: The albero that goes to your Uncle's lair!
Fred: My uncle doesn't have a lair.
Skipper: (groans in frustration and smacks his head against the tree, causing the hatch to open)
Fred: Wait. Oh! oh te mean Uncle red! I thought te meany my other Uncle!
Private: Well, i guess this is the way in.
Kowalski: (looks into it) It would appear that way. Well, who wishes to make the first jump?
Skipper: I'll go! The leader goes first!
(The penguins and Fred jump in after Skipper)
Scene VII: Red's Underground Base
Red: My plan is so simple that it is foolproof! And-
Buck: What plan?
Red: My plan to turn all acorns into bombs of a sleeping gas to take over the world once all humans are unconscious. Did I not mention this?
Nigel: Not a syllable. I'm assuming te were too busy blathering on about how much te hate your nephew.
Red: Right! I was!
(Clattering from overhead) ( 5 thumps are heard)
Skipper: Is everyone all right? (Gets onto his feet> Helps the others up)
Private: i think so.
Nigel: Private?? No! What are te doing here!? Go!
Buck: And te too, Cupcake-... I mean, Skipper! We've got this under control!
Red: Yes. i can see how well te have this under control! (Cackles and pushes a button on his console, shacking the penguins and Fred. Fred is shackled diagonally this time)
Skipper:(Sarcastically) Nice to see te again, Buck.
Buck: Same to you. The therapy's worked wonders. da the way.
Red: Perfect! A larger audience for my plan to take over the world!
Buck: te mean your destined-to-fail plan?
Red: See, this is why i hate te and Nigel outside of the work environment. te never stop mocking me. Always, it is something! Is it /my/ fault i have to wear this stupid eye patch?? Is it /my/ fault i have to live in this dusty dump because of the Poster pinguino for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder magazine would not stop looking for me even after 47 years? I just want to be loved!
(They all stare at him)
Red: Anyway... my plan- if te did not hear it the first time- is to fill all acorns with sleeping gas to knock all humans unconscious while i take over he world! ( maniacal laughter, followed da a rasping cough) Ohhh... I have got to stop laughing maniacally! Minions, write that on my.... Again! I have to do this myself!
Kowalski: Your plan will not work. It is a scientific impossibility because oak trees do not grow everywhere, and-
Red: I have had enough of your blatherings! I need another aspirin!
Nigel: How did te ever find us?
Skipper: Bushy-Tail told us te were here... in his own..weird way, but he still did it!
Buck: Cupcake, remind me to thank te profusely when we get out of here! than remind me to blow this eyesore off the map after that! This dump makes Grrfurjicklestan seem like a paradise!
Fred: It's not so bad. All it needs is some paint, and some curtains.
Skipper: Buck- I can call te Buck, right?
(Bock nods)
Skipper: Sorry. I'm a little starstruck, i mean, it's not every giorno you're in the same room as Special agent Buck Rockgut, the Greatest American pinguino Spy!
Buck: te had a question...?
Skipper: Oh, yeah. Did te make an escape plan?
Nigel: Yes. it was insulting him da calling him old so that he'd be lured here, so we can knock him out and escape.
Kowalski: That's a brilliant plan, but there are flaws. I, on the other flipper, have a better idea! It will improve on your plan!
(Red re-enters the room, holding an ice pack to his head)
Red: Now, i will commence my plan!
Scene VIII: Red's Underground Base
(Camera pans to Red's blueprints as he narrates)
(One shows a jumble of tubes leading to oak albero saplings)
Red: I will inject baby oak trees with my solution, since the solution works faster this way!
(The successivo diagram is the trees prematurely growing acorns, with confused humans staring at them)
Red: Then the humans will plant them in the park, among other places, where they will grow acorns!
(The last one shows the acorns spewing gas, unconscious humans, and a crudely drawn picture of Red sitting on a throne)
Red: Then once the humans are unconscious, i become king!
Scene IX: Red's Underground Base
Kowalski: As i detto before, the plan will not work. I fear you're age might be affecting your ability to think logically.
Red: Again with this mockery! Do te /want/ to see my bad side?
Fred: i thought this /was/ your bad side.
Red: No, this is /not/ my bad side!
Buck: Nope. This is his usual side. His ugly side.
Red: (Takes a step forward) Oh, now te are calling me ugly?!
Private: Well, te are rather unpleasant to look at...
Red: (rushes up to Private) You! I remember you! te and your stupid glowing moon-horse toy that blinded me for three days straight! te will be the first to go on my list!
(Looks at Fred, who resumes picking his nose with his tail)
Red: Um...make that the secondo one on my list!
Rico: (Grunts) hey! You! Ugly guy!
Red: (Walks over to Rico) (Furiously) What is it?!
(Rico sneezes, and a nube, nuvola of dust flies in Red's face, causing him to sneeze uncontrollably.)
(He walks backwards, and trips, hitting his head on his console, knocking him out. His paw accidentally presses the button that releases the shackles as he tries to get up)
Skipper: Excellent work, everyone! That was absolutely brilliant!
Buck: te can say your mushy-wushy thank-yous later! Now let's blow this Popsicle stand!
Scene X: The Park
(The penguins have Red leaning against the tree. They climb Red's tree, and work their way from albero branch to albero branch, not stepping on the ground to trigger the traps)
(Red wakes up to find they are on the other side)
Red: (Screams) I will get te for this! te think te have outsmarted me!? I will make te pay!
(He takes a step forward. The camera shows his foot stepping on the ground, triggering the ground vibration sensor missiles)
(The missiles fly towards him)
Red: (Looks up, terrified) Oh poopy....
(They crash, one knocking the albero over, and the other destroying his lab)
(The pinguino watch from the other side, eating popcorn)
(A voice from inside the hollow of the tree)
(Granny scoiattolo pops out)
Skipper: Oh no! Not /this/ old banshee again!
Granny Squirrel: Rudolphus the Squirrel, how many times have I told te not to keep your toys outside?! Now look at what you've done! You've destroyed our home!
Private: (Giggles) His name is Rudolphus!
Red: B-but, Mother, I-i....
Skipper: Mother?! (To Fred) I thought te detto she wasn't your grandmother!
Fred: Who isn't my granny?
Skipper: Never mind. (Signals for the other penguins to leave) Come on guys, let's get out of here.
Fred: Wait! I still need help finding my other uncle!
(Camera cuts to Granny scoiattolo and Red)
Red: But, Mother! i did not know te were napping in there!
Granny Squirrel: I sent Fred to tell you, but i suppose he got side tracked. Now, go to te room, mister! te are officially grounded!
Red: (his eye twitches) My room was destroyed.
Granny squirrel: (Grabs him da the ear and drags him off) Don't te dare use that tone with me, young man!
Red: (Is being dragged off) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(Screen fades to black)
The End
Voice Cast:
Skipper-Tom McGrath
Kowalski-Jeff Bennett
Private-James Patrick Stuart
Rico- John DiMaggio
The Red Squirrel: Jeff Bennett
Fred: Fred Stoller
Granny Squirrel: Debbie Reynolds
"The Penguins of Madagascar"
Season 4, Episode 3
Production code: 403
Air Date: ?
Previous: "I Spy", next: "I Smell a Rat"
Seeing Red/Transcript
Scene I: Red's Underground Base
(Red is muttering to himself, dusting)
Red: Ugh. 50 years worth of dust. I have been in here for /50 years/ and i get to cleaning NOW?! I am an idiot!
(Dusts off his control panel)
(A clattering overhead, followed da a voice echoing "ZOOOOOOOOOO!)
(A thud)
(Camera whips around to Fred)
Fred: Hello. te really need to get a mattress for the entrance. That fall hurt.
(Red drops the feather duster and turns around)
Red: Oh. It is you. How many times have i told te not to come in here without knocking?
Fred: Ok. (walks over to the nearest bacheca and knocks on it) Can i come in?
Red: (his good eye twitches) te already are inside, te twit!
Fred: Oh. I am. But, really. te need to get something to cushion that fall. (rubs his rear)
Red: te DO know that there are other entrances into my evil lair, do te not?
Fred: (looks around slowly) Really? I don't see any.
Red: (annoyed) (points to a large circular door behind him) There is one.
Fred: Oh! I never noticed that before! (he walks over to it. Stops, turns around, and sees his footprints left tracks in the dust)
Fred: Wow. te really need to clean here! hey! I know what i could do! I could use the last of my acorn jackpot to help you!
(Red perks up at this, suddenly interested)
Red: Would it be to help me finally get my minions? (sinister chuckle)
Fred: I don't know how they could help te clean. I was thinking of buying some paint.
Red: Paint?
Fred: yeah. paint. And maybe some throw pillows and a potted plant. This place is a dump.
(Camera pans around the cluttered, dusty room)
Red: It is not a dump! It just needs cleaning!
(Red walks over to open the big door, and empty acorn shells spill out)
Red: Ok. it is a dump! But I meant to clean those up! It has only been 20 years since i have done that!
Fred: Hey, Uncle Red, can i ask te a question?
Red: I still can't believe we're related! how could I be related to suck an idiot?!
Fred: Wait...we're related?
Red: (snaps) Of course we are! te are my idiotic, acorn-munching nephew!
Fred: (Chews come acorns. Talks with his mouth full) Guilty as charged.
Red: (Continuing, trying to control his anger) Why else would te have called me Uncle if we are not related?
Fred: I have an uncle?
(a pause)
Fred: Hey, Uncle Red, did te know i have another uncle?
Red: (face-paws) te detto te had a question. Ask it, and leave me alone, te twit!
Fred: Oh yeah. There are two penguins outside your house. Do te know them?
Red: Who are they?
Fred: (shrugs) I don't know. But one of them called me "Cupcake. Do I look like my name is "Cupcake"?
Red: (realizes who Fred is talking about) (outraged) What?!
(Goes over to his periscope and sees Buck Rockgut and Nigel standing outside the entrance to his lair)
Red: How did they get past my ground vibration sensors? And my rockets?!
Fred: Oh. I helped them. they detto they were looking for you.
Red: Just tell me what happened so I can deal with my two greatest foes already!
Fred: Ok. I guess it's flashback time. (He looks up at the ceiling, concentrating hard.)
Red: What on Earth are te doing, twit-face?
Fred: mostrare te my flashback. You're not looking in the right spot.
(Turns Red's head to where he is looking)
Fred: See it now?
Red: (snaps) Just tell me what happened!
Scene II: The Park
(!5 minuti earlier)
(Nigel and Buck are walking towards Red's lair)
Nigel: I don't know what te think you're doing here, Buck. Headquarters decided te weren't fit for duty. Besides, aren't te supposed to be hunting for The White Widow? Furthermore-
(They jump out of the way of two rockets with roped attached designed to drag them away)
Nigel: (Continuing) Furthermore, te were decalred legally dead 48 years fa after we couldn't find you. I was assigned red's case, so if te would kindly-
Buck: (cuts him off. Pushes him out of the way of a leg-trap catch) I won't be doing anything, kindly o not! He was my case first!
Nigel: But in case te haven't noticed, te were also declared insane once we found te again after 47 years after your little "retirement". (air quotes) Now, i don't mean to be unkind, but-
Buck: (cuts him off) "But", nothing! te can take your apologies and shove them where the sun don't shine!
Nigel: (Gasps) Why, te cheeky, insolent-
(Nigel pushes Buck out of the path of an oncoming doccia of darts)
Buck: Hm. The darts are a nice touch. Anyways, that's right! te can shove that apology right into Hoboken! o maybe a-
Nigel:(cuts him off) Let's just focus on the mission! Seeing as how te tagged along, it's too late to send te back.
(They pause to rest da a tree)
(Fred scurries down the tree.)
Fred: (Whispers) What's with all the noise?
Buck: (Whispers) Hey! you! Can te help us?
Nigel:(Whispers) Why are we whispering?
Fred: (whispers) My granny is asleep up in that tree.
Buck: Do you, da any chance, know a scoiattolo who calls himself The Red Squirrel? His aliases are The Red Squirrel, The Red Squirrel, and The Red Squirrel. Ever hear of him?
Fred:(Thinks) (Whispers) No. What does he look like?
Buck: He's a squirrel. And he's red. Really skinny. Overgrown teeth and claws. Wears an eye patch.
Fred: Never heard of him. Did te guys try the zoo?
Nigel: The Zoo? Whatever for?
Fred: Wait... we have a zoo in the park?
Buck: Are te some kind of idiot? te just detto to check the zoo, cupcake!
Fred: My name isn't "Cupcake", but if you're looking for a red squirrel, there's always my uncle. He lives downstairs.
(Fred pushes a button concealed bu a knot in the albero trunk. A hole in the ground opens)
Fred: But my uncle doesn't live in the-
(He falls in)
Fred: (echoing as he falls in) -ZOOOOOOO!
Scene III: Red's Underground Base
Fred: -and then i fell down, and I said, " Hello. te really need to get a mattress for the entrance. That fall-"
Red: (Cuts him off) Yes, but how did they get past my ground vibration sensors?!
Fred: Oh. They walked from behind the tree.
Red: Minions! Remind me to-... oh.
Fred: Who are te talking to?
Red: (Grabs a pen and paper) Number two on "To Do" list; Install ground vibration sensors and missiles all around the entrance to my lair.
(Buck and Nigel enter, wading their way through the pile of acorns in the entrance to the big door)
Buck: Yeah, Red. Who /are/ te talking to?
Nigel: Caught te at last! (assumes a fighting stance)
Red: Just what i needed.... another cause of a headache. Minions! Get me-...Ugh. I'll just get the aspirin myself.
Fred: Oh, ciao guys. meet my uncle!
Nigel:(To Fred) (aghast) That conniving villain is your uncle?!
Buck: (To Red) That brainless idiot is your nephew?
Red: Yes, and this devilishly handsome scoiattolo is your- (presses a button. Buck and Nigel are restrained against a metal bacheca with shackles. Fred is cuffed to the bacheca da his tail) - CAPTOR! Believe me, I do not like it any più than te do. he is a twit!
(Groans and presses a paw to his forehead) Ohh, my head!
(He walks over to his medicine cabinet. Takes out a bottle of aspirin, and swallows one)
Buck: Let us go, te dirt-bag!
Red: Call me what te are willing to, old-timer, but what makes te think i will listen? Like in those movies. The bad guy says to stop, but the hero does it anyway. I never saw the point. So, no. I will not let te go!
(He starts laughing manically. It turns into a rasping cough.)
Red: I (coughs) think i fractured my (coughs and wheezes) spleen!
Buck: Ha! And te called /me/ old?
Red: (Glares) I /HATE/ being called old! Do not call me old! I am not old! (Presses a button. Fred is let go) Seeing as how you, my idiot nephew, are of no help o harm to me, i will let te go. Now get out of here before i change my mind!
Nigel: Don't just stand there! Help us!
Red: If te take one più step towards them i will...i will never speak to te again! Actually, on secondo thought, go! step towards them!
Fred: Yeah, I'm just gonna go. You're sending me mixed messages.
(Fred walks out the big door)
Fred: Maybe I'll go ask my other uncle. He'll know what to do!
(Buck and Nigel share confused glances)
Red: It is a long story. Never mind. (Calls after Fred) And good riddance! Now, (sinister smile) where were we?
Scene IV: pinguino Habitat (topside)
(Skipper and the team are doing their daily exercises)
Skipper: Ah! I Amore the smell of hard work in the morning! (Takes a deep sniff, and then gags)
Kowalski: That's not hard work you're smelling, sir. Rico has bad gas this morning.
Rico: (Breaks wind) Sorry..hehe.
Skipper: Never mind the training, boys. I Lost my train of thought.
(Fred walks up to the fence of the habitat)
Fred: Hey, um, guys?
Skipper: Bushy-Tail! What seems to be the problem?
Fred: Did te guys know i have a secondo uncle?
Private: I didn't even know te had /one/ uncle. Is he nice? Did he just sposta into the park? Maybe we can send him a welcoming gift, Skipper!
Fred: Oh. I've never met him, but my first uncle lives in a room under a tree. And let me tell te something, it is /dusty/ in there! I'm still sneezing! Ah-achoo! (he sneezes on to Skipper's face)
Skipper: Hmm.....Fred has two uncles we've never heard about before... Kowalski, analysis!
(Kowalski says nothing)
Skipper: Fine. Kowalski, /please/ give us te analysis!
Kowalski: That's much better, sir. And I feel we have nothing to worry about from Fred's- (to Fred) What did te say their names were again?
Fred: What who's name was?
Kowalski: Your uncle.
Fred: Which one?
Kowalski: Both of them.
Fred: Can we be più specific? I don't know my other one's name, but Uncle Red sure is-
Skipper: (cuts him off) Wait a minute...Uncle /Red/? da any chance, do te know if he calls himself "The Red Squirrel"?
Fred: I don't know. Maybe. At least i /think/ that's what that ugly pinguino called my uncle before he trapped him and the British one.
Rico: (Grunts) Ugly penguin..? Whaddyatalkin'bout?
Fred: Oh, yeah. That ugly one called me "Cupcake" not once, but twice! I'm going to have to complain about that later! Anyways, Yeah. I think that's what he called my uncle.
Kowalski: The Red scoiattolo is your uncle?? Whoa! Didn't see /that/ coming!
Private: Have te noticed how a lot of our Friends turn out to be related to villains? It's just weird, isn't it, Skipper?
(To Fred) Wait... didn't te say he had them trapped? (gulps)
Fred: yeah. They're trapped against this metal wall-thing. Uncle red let me go, though. He really /does/ Amore me!
Private: Oh my goodness! The Red scoiattolo kidnapped my Uncle Nigel and Buck Rockgut! We have to help them!
Skipper: We can't just jump to conclusions here, Private!
Private: But he just said-
Skipper: I know what he just said, but he could be wrong. I mean, come on! This is Fred we're talking about! Just look at him!
(Camera pans to Fred, picking his nose using his tail)
Fred: Ow! Stupid tail!
Private: Well, can't we just check? Please, Skipper? What if he's right?
Skipper: (reluctantly) Ok, Private. but if he's wrong and you've wasted a trip, no snow-cone for te tonight! Let's sposta out, team!
(The penguins exit their habitat, leaving Fred, still picking his nose)
Scene V: Red's Underground Base
Red: -so, then after Fred and that idiot lemure ...what did they call that hippity-hoppy rap song...? Oh, yes! After they "dropped some acorns on me", i dragged them to my lair, and-
Buck: (yawns) I thought te were supposed to be torturing us, not boring us to death. I almost prefer the Hungarian Purple -Nurple to this!
Red: Well, fine! I f te do not wish to hear how i found out Fred was my nephew, then it is your loss! It's a very interesting story! Now, if te will excuse me, I need another aspirin!
(He walks off)
Nigel: (Whispers) Luckily for us, old chap, while Red was droning on about his nephew, i thought of an escape plan!
Buck: Well, so did I! And yours had better not be the old "fake cuore attack" bit, because i remember the last time te did that. Your recitazione was terrible. (Imitates Nigel) "Oh! Mother! is that you, beckoning me into the light? i feel cold! The lights are fading! Goodbye, cruel world!"
(Nigel scoffs)
Buck: Well, te sounded ridiculous! An my plan is better. Question: What's the one thing Red hates being called the most?
Nigel: Old? (He realizes Buck's plan. Grins) Ah! Now i see where you're coming from! te plan to lure him here da insulting him, then knock him out and free ourselves! Clever!
Buck: (gruffly, but grins) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save the compliments for later, te tea-drinking old fart!
(He winks)
Nigel: What?...Oh.. I say, Buck, if anyone is old, it's you! You're positively ancient!
Buck: (loudly) Well, the only one older than me is Red over there!
Red: Keep it quiet! I have an awful headache! And hey! Who are te two calling old!!? I am the picture of youth! (He hacks and coughs) (Wheezes)
Nigel: Yes, and the picture of youth was outdated in 1967!
(Red takes a step closer)
Red: (angrily) Shut up! I have had enough!
Buck: (cough) You're old! (cough)
Red: That is it! Now te two numbskulls must pay the price!
Scene VI: The Park
(Fred is leading the Penguins to the tree)
Fred: This way!
(They stop at the tree)
Skipper: Is this the tree?
Fred: is what the tree?
Skipper: The albero that goes to your Uncle's lair!
Fred: My uncle doesn't have a lair.
Skipper: (groans in frustration and smacks his head against the tree, causing the hatch to open)
Fred: Wait. Oh! oh te mean Uncle red! I thought te meany my other Uncle!
Private: Well, i guess this is the way in.
Kowalski: (looks into it) It would appear that way. Well, who wishes to make the first jump?
Skipper: I'll go! The leader goes first!
(The penguins and Fred jump in after Skipper)
Scene VII: Red's Underground Base
Red: My plan is so simple that it is foolproof! And-
Buck: What plan?
Red: My plan to turn all acorns into bombs of a sleeping gas to take over the world once all humans are unconscious. Did I not mention this?
Nigel: Not a syllable. I'm assuming te were too busy blathering on about how much te hate your nephew.
Red: Right! I was!
(Clattering from overhead) ( 5 thumps are heard)
Skipper: Is everyone all right? (Gets onto his feet> Helps the others up)
Private: i think so.
Nigel: Private?? No! What are te doing here!? Go!
Buck: And te too, Cupcake-... I mean, Skipper! We've got this under control!
Red: Yes. i can see how well te have this under control! (Cackles and pushes a button on his console, shacking the penguins and Fred. Fred is shackled diagonally this time)
Skipper:(Sarcastically) Nice to see te again, Buck.
Buck: Same to you. The therapy's worked wonders. da the way.
Red: Perfect! A larger audience for my plan to take over the world!
Buck: te mean your destined-to-fail plan?
Red: See, this is why i hate te and Nigel outside of the work environment. te never stop mocking me. Always, it is something! Is it /my/ fault i have to wear this stupid eye patch?? Is it /my/ fault i have to live in this dusty dump because of the Poster pinguino for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder magazine would not stop looking for me even after 47 years? I just want to be loved!
(They all stare at him)
Red: Anyway... my plan- if te did not hear it the first time- is to fill all acorns with sleeping gas to knock all humans unconscious while i take over he world! ( maniacal laughter, followed da a rasping cough) Ohhh... I have got to stop laughing maniacally! Minions, write that on my.... Again! I have to do this myself!
Kowalski: Your plan will not work. It is a scientific impossibility because oak trees do not grow everywhere, and-
Red: I have had enough of your blatherings! I need another aspirin!
Nigel: How did te ever find us?
Skipper: Bushy-Tail told us te were here... in his own..weird way, but he still did it!
Buck: Cupcake, remind me to thank te profusely when we get out of here! than remind me to blow this eyesore off the map after that! This dump makes Grrfurjicklestan seem like a paradise!
Fred: It's not so bad. All it needs is some paint, and some curtains.
Skipper: Buck- I can call te Buck, right?
(Bock nods)
Skipper: Sorry. I'm a little starstruck, i mean, it's not every giorno you're in the same room as Special agent Buck Rockgut, the Greatest American pinguino Spy!
Buck: te had a question...?
Skipper: Oh, yeah. Did te make an escape plan?
Nigel: Yes. it was insulting him da calling him old so that he'd be lured here, so we can knock him out and escape.
Kowalski: That's a brilliant plan, but there are flaws. I, on the other flipper, have a better idea! It will improve on your plan!
(Red re-enters the room, holding an ice pack to his head)
Red: Now, i will commence my plan!
Scene VIII: Red's Underground Base
(Camera pans to Red's blueprints as he narrates)
(One shows a jumble of tubes leading to oak albero saplings)
Red: I will inject baby oak trees with my solution, since the solution works faster this way!
(The successivo diagram is the trees prematurely growing acorns, with confused humans staring at them)
Red: Then the humans will plant them in the park, among other places, where they will grow acorns!
(The last one shows the acorns spewing gas, unconscious humans, and a crudely drawn picture of Red sitting on a throne)
Red: Then once the humans are unconscious, i become king!
Scene IX: Red's Underground Base
Kowalski: As i detto before, the plan will not work. I fear you're age might be affecting your ability to think logically.
Red: Again with this mockery! Do te /want/ to see my bad side?
Fred: i thought this /was/ your bad side.
Red: No, this is /not/ my bad side!
Buck: Nope. This is his usual side. His ugly side.
Red: (Takes a step forward) Oh, now te are calling me ugly?!
Private: Well, te are rather unpleasant to look at...
Red: (rushes up to Private) You! I remember you! te and your stupid glowing moon-horse toy that blinded me for three days straight! te will be the first to go on my list!
(Looks at Fred, who resumes picking his nose with his tail)
Red: Um...make that the secondo one on my list!
Rico: (Grunts) hey! You! Ugly guy!
Red: (Walks over to Rico) (Furiously) What is it?!
(Rico sneezes, and a nube, nuvola of dust flies in Red's face, causing him to sneeze uncontrollably.)
(He walks backwards, and trips, hitting his head on his console, knocking him out. His paw accidentally presses the button that releases the shackles as he tries to get up)
Skipper: Excellent work, everyone! That was absolutely brilliant!
Buck: te can say your mushy-wushy thank-yous later! Now let's blow this Popsicle stand!
Scene X: The Park
(The penguins have Red leaning against the tree. They climb Red's tree, and work their way from albero branch to albero branch, not stepping on the ground to trigger the traps)
(Red wakes up to find they are on the other side)
Red: (Screams) I will get te for this! te think te have outsmarted me!? I will make te pay!
(He takes a step forward. The camera shows his foot stepping on the ground, triggering the ground vibration sensor missiles)
(The missiles fly towards him)
Red: (Looks up, terrified) Oh poopy....
(They crash, one knocking the albero over, and the other destroying his lab)
(The pinguino watch from the other side, eating popcorn)
(A voice from inside the hollow of the tree)
(Granny scoiattolo pops out)
Skipper: Oh no! Not /this/ old banshee again!
Granny Squirrel: Rudolphus the Squirrel, how many times have I told te not to keep your toys outside?! Now look at what you've done! You've destroyed our home!
Private: (Giggles) His name is Rudolphus!
Red: B-but, Mother, I-i....
Skipper: Mother?! (To Fred) I thought te detto she wasn't your grandmother!
Fred: Who isn't my granny?
Skipper: Never mind. (Signals for the other penguins to leave) Come on guys, let's get out of here.
Fred: Wait! I still need help finding my other uncle!
(Camera cuts to Granny scoiattolo and Red)
Red: But, Mother! i did not know te were napping in there!
Granny Squirrel: I sent Fred to tell you, but i suppose he got side tracked. Now, go to te room, mister! te are officially grounded!
Red: (his eye twitches) My room was destroyed.
Granny squirrel: (Grabs him da the ear and drags him off) Don't te dare use that tone with me, young man!
Red: (Is being dragged off) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(Screen fades to black)
The End
Voice Cast:
Skipper-Tom McGrath
Kowalski-Jeff Bennett
Private-James Patrick Stuart
Rico- John DiMaggio
The Red Squirrel: Jeff Bennett
Fred: Fred Stoller
Granny Squirrel: Debbie Reynolds
